I need help with a sibling that has BPD / NPD

[Watson Ram]

I joined this site today as I need help with a sibling who has BPD, and who also presents NPD behaviors. I am just learning that my sibling's mental illness is BPD, though my family and I have been suffering with this issue since my sibling was a teenager. To be specific, my sibling just had another major breakdown this week after a romantic partner left him. He became suicidal, and over the last several days has had frequent outbursts of rage, sobbing, blaming the family, shutting down, "feeling completely alone and empty," and extremely depressed, yet completely unable to have insight into his situation, or take responsibility for his actions. This breakdown was preceded by a month+ long manic cycle (while in  this new relationship with the girl who left him, and starting a new business) where he displayed behaviors consistent with NPD - ie - consistently describing himself as "chosen by god to lead this business", and being the only one capable of succeeding in the way he has, with "millions of dollars" certain to come his way. The girl he was dating was 20 years old, while he is 34. He convinced himself this girl was "the one" and was planning to have kids with her and get married after dating for aonly a few weeks. She is an unstable person not capable of being in a relationship, and his desire to marry was a delusion fueled by deep loneliness and desire to have a stable relationship. Their age gap (in addition to other aspects) created a dynamic where he was controlling and abusive to his her, which is why she left. This is the third partner in 5 years that has left my brother due to controlling, abusive, rage-filled behavior. He has also destroyed every creative/business partnership he's had, and has very few close friends left willing to put up with his behavior.

My brother has tentatively agreed to participate in a week long treatment program, however, he has all ready threatened to pull out once, and I would not be surprised if he does so again. I have been made aware of the Karpman Triangle, which absolutely describes our family dynamic with my sibling. He most often takes the roll of Victim (doing this since childhood), but if enraged, will also shift to the Persecutor roll (blaming the family, becoming authoritative and seeking to punish), before inevitably going back to Victim. After breakdowns, he spends most of his energy blaming the family for his problems while also demanding we play the roll of Rescuer. Of all our family members, I most consistently play the roll of Rescuer to both our detriment. Going back to childhood, my brother was always extremely emotional and sensitive. He would often react with emotions much stronger than me or my other brother. He had trouble in school and with authority, and ultimately developed an unhealthy dynamic with my father, who was often authoritative and lacking in patience with my brother's temper tantrums and emotional manipulation (fulfilling Persecutor roll). Over the last 2 decades, my father disciplined my brother in harsh ways, sometimes with physical punishment (spanking, forcefully grabbing my brother's arm, pushing). My brother holds on to these past situations, and consistently paints my father as the cause of his dysfunction. While my father admits to not handling my brother correctly, and has apologized many times for inappropriate reactions to my brother's behavior, it is only one aspect of the equation. My brother often over-reacts to and distorts my father's past behavior without acknowledging how his rage and violent behavior played a major roll as well. My brother is a master manipulator, and is very good at goading my father and me into conflict, and often intentionally escalates situations with physical violence and emotional abuse if he's not getting his way. During various conflicts, my brother has choked both me and my brother, attacked my mother with a lacrosse stick, destroyed furniture and other property, spit-on us, and hit/kicked me, my brother and father. Almost too many times to count. He has also attacked many close friends and partners. Everyone who has ever gotten close to my brother would describe him as extremely emotional with anger problems, with a tendency to become violent. Our family now has a long history of unresolved trauma due to my brother's mental illness leaving all of us feeling deep pain, resentment and anger, and none of us have a good idea on how to actually move forward.

Of immediate concern is that he remains suicidal, and will continue to have major problems as he has no real sense of self/identity other than being a "victim" who has been unfairly treated by the world.  I do not know how to deal with this. In agreement with his therapist, we have told my brother that if he contacts me again threatening suicide, I will call the police instead of trying to engage him as a rescuer. However, he has always been able to manipulate both me and my mom to engage with him during breakdowns, and I do not yet have the tools to de-escalate these situations. I'm also feeling lost and demoralized. I am comfortable taking responsibility for my actions, but do not see how my sibling can get better when he never takes responsibility for himself. I know I cannot force my brother to heal himself, or to take responsibility. I no longer have the energy or desire to continue participating in this destructive cycle of behavior, but do not want to kill himself, or harm others.

[Turkish]

It does sound like your brother's behaviors telegraph taking no responsibility for his actions, including likely blaming anyone else for his violent behavior.  Has that ever resulted in calling the police?

What exactly is the treatment program?

Dealing with suicide threats are scary and frustrating.  Are you thinking that you might try to soothe him rather than calling someone? You could do both. 

[isilme]

I will out that while this does share some hallmarks with BPD/NPD, bipolar should not be disregarded.  He could have multiple issues, some of which can be treated medically, others will need a form of behavioral therapy.

Does he live on his own?  Is he still dependent on the family for support?  How are your interactions, usually? 

[yamada]

Your brother may be bipolar. The truth is no one hurts anyone physically.And love means making tough decions. therefore if he is threatening suicide call the police. You and your families safety is paramount.  If you are threatened get out or call police. Its tough love but he needs to be restrained from his behaviour before he ends up in gaol. He can chose gaol or a thereat centre

[Woolspinner2000]

Hello WatsonRam 

I'm glad you joined our site and have shared some of your story. I know you must be frustrated, and I hear that you are also feeling at a loss to know what to do. You are not alone in this. Each one of us here have someone in our lives who shows traits of BPD and/or NPD. Often NPD and bipolar can be a part of BPD. My mom was uBPD and also very much an NPD. It's such an awful combination, strong, demanding, and so often our default in dealing with them becomes to become the rescuer as you mentioned. I think we have all been there!

There is an article on Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) which may offer some good tips for you. There is an enlightening that comes as we read and begin to look behind our own emotions and begin to see with eyes and hear with ears that are able to step away from the constant reaction to the pw BPD in our life. I hope you have some time to read the article. When you do, please let me know what you think. 

Wools

[BabyButterfly]

Of immediate concern is that he remains suicidal, and will continue to have major problems as he has no real sense of self/identity other than being a "victim" who has been unfairly treated by the world.  I do not know how to deal with this. In agreement with his therapist, we have told my brother that if he contacts me again threatening suicide, I will call the police instead of trying to engage him as a rescuer. However, he has always been able to manipulate both me and my mom to engage with him during breakdowns, and I do not yet have the tools to de-escalate these situations. I'm also feeling lost and demoralized. I am comfortable taking responsibility for my actions, but do not see how my sibling can get better when he never takes responsibility for himself. I know I cannot force my brother to heal himself, or to take responsibility. I no longer have the energy or desire to continue participating in this destructive cycle of behavior, but do not want to kill himself, or harm others.

It is critically important that you abide by the agreement you made with your brother's therapist to call the police if he threatens suicide again and not engage with him as a rescuer. When you say that he's been able to manipulate you, it sounds like you're not quite taking full responsibility for your actions or agency in the situation. Your behavior in that situation is 100% in your control. You have promised that you will call the police and that's all you need to do. You don't need "tools." Just disengage with him and call 911. This is the best thing you can do for him if you care about him. You are not responsible for him. It is not your job to stop him from killing himself. That is up to the police and the hospital.

This sounds like a horribly difficult situation. The best thing you can do is whenever you find yourself thinking about what your brother needs to do to heal and turn his life around is redirect those thoughts back to yourself. Again and again, just focus on yourself. You have one job. Call the police if your brother contacts you threatening suicide. The rest is about you and living your best life. Hang in there.

[zachira]

Just wanted to say that we hear your pain and frustration in dealing with a brother with BPD/NPD. It seems like it will never end, yet you have chosen to keep supporting your brother because you indeed care about him. We are here to listen and support you whenever you need us.