Seeking advice: Ready to start a discussion on custody. Ready to start an action

[JNChell]

Ex and I have been communicating by written correspondence. LC. In the last letter I sent her I pondered the idea of play therapy for our S3, almost 4. I pay close attention to him. I’ve seen things that, IMHO, should be looked at and considered. I believe that he’s ok right now, but I’m also aware that behaviors can subtly excalate over time.

I’d like to leave a passage from her response. There were other things discussed between us, but those things were trivial. Here’s the response.

”What you need to understand is that our is only 3 years old. He will test and he will be emotional. People have nightmares. If it were a recurring thing, then I would be worried. You are putting your issues onto our Son and it needs to stop. He is a regular 3 year old boy. The only person that seems concerned about the way he acts is you. So, maybe that’s the problem. Send back his birth certificate and social security card. Those should be with me, not you. I’m done with this madness, JNChell. You are trying your best to find issues with our Son. Don’t bother me with that nonsense anymore. If I feel like something is off with him, then I will get him help.

There is, and never will be any proper communication when it comes to S3. I’ve been told by professionals that there is no harm in having S3 evaluated. His mom is a control freak when it comes to her children. I’m not even a parent in her eyes. I get that, but the letter triggered me. Again, she shamed me.

I need advice on how to get this rolling. I’m fine with the custody time, but I’m tired of her having control. I feel like I’m at her mercy when it comes to our child. I feel like this will only get worse over time as he grows and attempts to build his own independence.

I think that I need a strategy that puts time behind us first. I’m not willing to share this reason on the boards at this time. I’ve read about the 6 month rule when it comes to court. What are the trumps to the 6 month rule? What can I do to prepare? This message is a vague reach out. My son will be 4 in December. His mom has started taking showers with him. I’ve been trying to teach him boundaries. I’m concerned over my mental breakdowns while with her affecting Any case I might have.

[JNChell]

I don’t even know if I can financially afford to do this.

[ForeverDad]

When we separated my son was a few months shy of 4 years old.  She promptly tried to make me look bad and so sought negative advocates.  One way was to register him at the county's child therapy site.  I didn't find out until the insurance mailed a 3 month recertification letter.  As you can imagine, they didn't want to speak to me.  I wrote them a nice letter offering to share history and be involved going forward.  The two, I think it was the therapist and the manager, listened but offered no information at all.  All they said was I could fill out their form asking for information.  I did so and the reply was No since I was likely to be dangerous to the child or others.  It became a yearlong challenge with 3 attempts in court, but eventually I did get his therapy records.  They were filled with his mother's claims about how bad I was, even my home-bound aged mother too.

When talking with my lawyer, he exclaimed, "Courts love counseling!"  So even if she claims play therapy isn't needed and she will decide, the professionals may very well side with you.

As I became more involved with bringing son to his sessions (play therapy in his younger years) I recall one time his therapist remarked his unusual response to personal boundaries.  She had explained to him that personal areas are typically covered by a swim suit.  More is in my post from a few years ago... .

... .My court, as with many other courts, usually just stuck with the behaviors, the parenting behaviors more than the adult behaviors, so that's usually the best way for us to proceed, focus on the poor behaviors that would get the court's attention and response.

That said, showering and sleeping with your child is likely to be 'concerning'.  How concerned the court will be is hard to say, but I wouldn't keep silent about it.  Does your local children's services or CPS have a position on that?  It may happen in other cultures or where water and bedding was scarce, but with son getting older, that should have stopped before now.  That's part of learning his own personal boundaries.  I recall one session where his therapist related to me her concern that son had responded to a review question "Who's private parts can you touch?" with "My mother's."  He should have answered "Mine."

And as our mediator said to my soon to be ex-spouse when she said she was the Entitled Mother in her culture, "We're not in (your island culture where you spent half your childhood), we're here in this country."  (Funny story... .  as possessive a mother as ex was, her own brothers were raised by her father, it was only she and her sister who grew up with her mother and sexually abusive stepfather. If we would have followed her cultural claims and history, then I as Father should have raised our son.)

[david]

My ex put our kids in therapy without my consent. We had a parent coordinator at the time. I contacted the therapist and they refused to involve me in any way. I suspected ex found a negative advocate. I went to the PC saying I was not being involved in our children's therapy. The PC required me to reach out through email (documentation) to try again. One of my stepsons had a girlfriend that was a guidance counselor and she gave me a list of questions to ask. I basically told them, in the email, I wanted to be included in our boys therapy. I also included the questions. They asked me to identify myself. I did in a reply and they stopped communication. I sent all the emails to the PC. The PC ruled that ex was not allowed to take our boys to anyone that would not include me. Ex never took them to any therapy after that. I got them into their school counseling for a few years. Eventually they seemed to be over the major things. The school kept me and ex informed. Ex never, as far as I know, got involved in any of the school counseling.
You can probably get legal aid to guide you through the legal process to get your son in therapy. Courts do like therapy for kids. Legal aid will keep your costs down. Just make sure you have all your questions and concerns written down and have answers for all of them. Even find a therapist beforehand. It might even be good to have a list of at least three the ex can pick one from. The judge would like that.

[david]

If you get in front of a judge make sure you have all correspondence between your ex and you about this. It will give you more credibility in the eyes of the court. Always focus on your son in court and don't make it an argument between you and ex. You don't need to point out the attacks against you in her emails.

[Turkish]

Remind us again of the custody time.

Unless she has primary decision making, it doesn't matter who has the BC. I lost one of ours when my ex moved out. It took me less than an hour downtown to get a new one.  You will need those documents to enroll your son in school. 

[JNChell]

I’ve read all of your replies. Thank you. I will respond when S3 falls asleep or when I wake up before he does.

[JNChell]

ForeverDad, thanks for replying. I have wanted to avoid the courts because I know how lopsided it can be and because it seems that a lot of time and money can get tied up in the process.

As you can imagine, they didn't want to speak to me.  I wrote them a nice letter offering to share history and be involved going forward.  The two, I think it was the therapist and the manager, listened but offered no information at all.

Again, lopsided. I see a system that takes things at face value. That the “he said, she said” that is supposedly overlooked in court, leans more towards the “she said” end of things. I have wanted to avoid court, but I’m not dealing with a person that will reasonably work towards ways to make parenting as easy as it can be and simply about our child.

The past post that you referenced got my attention. Showering with a boy his age seems strange. Is this her way of trying to keep him close? Is she sensing that I’m working on his boundaries? Is she trying to impede that?

I’ve read many times here that the courts love therapy. If I understand correctly, with no court order in place, I don’t need his mother’s permission to have him evaluated and possibly enrolled in therapy. I have no way of knowing what’s going on at his mom’s house. I know that I witnessed her strike him and yell at both kids while I lived there. I was able to step in then. I also know that my Son has reported being shoved, hit and screamed at. I don’t draw this stuff out of him. He simply shares it at times.

I’m still wondering about the six month rule. I understand that it won’t matter to the courts that I had never been in a psych ward before being with her. I’m almost 42 and have never been close to that scenario before her. Sorry, but that’s why I’m asking about the six month rule. What I’m speaking of was two years ago.

[JNChell]

david, I’ll respond. Got my boy tonight. I need to read your response a few times.

[JNChell]

Turkish, I have the first 3 weekends of each month, and every Tuesday. Is it accurate to call this the “status quo” when it comes to the court enforcing a schedule? I pick him up from daycare and deliver him to his grandmother that is newly wedded for the third time. 

There isn’t a court order between us yet. From what I’ve learned, she and I are equal under the law as parents.

[ForeverDad]

I’ve read many times here that the courts love therapy.  If I understand correctly, with no court order in place, I don’t need his mother’s permission to have him evaluated and possibly enrolled in therapy.

Many counselors or therapists won't accept minors if both parents don't sign permissions, or the court order lists the requesting parent as custodial parent or has that Decision Making authority.  You would have to ask your local agencies or counselors what their policies are.

I’m still wondering about the six month rule. I understand that it won’t matter to the courts that I had never been in a psych ward before being with her. I’m almost 42 and have never been close to that scenario before her. Sorry, but that’s why I’m asking about the six month rule. What I’m speaking of was two years ago.

Back in 2005 when we were both ordered to take Psych Evals (I never did learn whether she took hers) a grad student from the local university performed the tests.  It was only a couple hours or so.  Clearly it was not thorough or in depth.  As I recall it listed Axis I (anxiety) and Axis II (undetermined).  Partly it depends on what you were diagnosed with.  However, though it is part of your history some two years ago, you can maintain you've sought help since then and any results from that period is outdated and 'stale'.  If your mental health were to be challenged, then you'd have to be reevaluated.  (If they do require that of you at some future time, try to make the order state that BOTH of you get evaluated.)  As I like to add, my difficulties back then were situational, due to outside influences, not my inner issues.  Probably you can state so too.

• Axis I: All psychological diagnostic categories except mental retardation and personality disorder.
• Axis II: Personality disorders and mental retardation.
• Axis III: General medical condition; acute medical conditions and physical disorders.
• Axis IV: Psychosocial and environmental factors contributing to the disorder.

[JNChell]

Thanks, ForeverDad. I don’t want to go to war with her. We all know that it will be that. This is in violation of the site, but there is a lot more that needs to be discussed behind closed doors.

[JNChell]

You were evaluated like this? Was your ex subjected to the same scrutiny?

[AnuDay]

”What you need to understand is that our is only 3 years old. He will test and he will be emotional. People have nightmares. If it were a recurring thing, then I would be worried. You are putting your issues onto our Son and it needs to stop. He is a regular 3 year old boy. The only person that seems concerned about the way he acts is you. So, maybe that’s the problem. Send back his birth certificate and social security card. Those should be with me, not you. I’m done with this madness, JNChell. You are trying your best to find issues with our Son. Don’t bother me with that nonsense anymore. If I feel like something is off with him, then I will get him help.

There is, and never will be any proper communication when it comes to S3. I’ve been told by professionals that there is no harm in having S3 evaluated. His mom is a control freak when it comes to her children. I’m not even a parent in her eyes. I get that, but the letter triggered me. Again, she shamed me.

I need advice on how to get this rolling. I’m fine with the custody time, but I’m tired of her having control. I feel like I’m at her mercy when it comes to our child. I feel like this will only get worse over time as he grows and attempts to build his own independence.

I think that I need a strategy that puts time behind us first. I’m not willing to share this reason on the boards at this time. I’ve read about the 6 month rule when it comes to court. What are the trumps to the 6 month rule? What can I do to prepare? This message is a vague reach out. My son will be 4 in December. His mom has started taking showers with him. I’ve been trying to teach him boundaries. I’m concerned over my mental breakdowns while with her affecting Any case I might have.

Courts may give you more authority.  You said that you're equal under the law in your state so I don't know.  Like you I was scared to go to court for a long time until I got backed into a corner.  My ex slowly picked away at my rights until I was forced to file.  I expect the same to happen to you.  Personally I don't argue with the ex.  I rarely expect her to see my viewpoint.  You have to argue in ways that makes it look like she's the winner or she gets a reward in my experience.  Can never argue for something that will/may make her look bad. This is a No No.
Personally, I don't think you get enough time with your kid, perhaps as the child gets older you should try to get more time. 

[ForeverDad]

You were evaluated like this? Was your ex subjected to the same scrutiny?

She was but my first lawyer was new, a former ADA, and dropped the ball.  And I was so new at legal conflict too.  There was more to this post so if you want to read it all on that other thread then follow the link.

Separation without Temp Orders  This wasn't what I did wrong, but what I almost did wrong... .

Getting psych evals for both of us  A common complaint here is that the BPD spouse makes serious allegations and our member is the only one facing a Psych Eval.  If only both would be required to undergo Psych Evals, then at least it would be less unfair.  But courts usually only scrutinize the accused, not the claimed victim.  Well, in my case I was facing allegations in my just-separated spouse's protection filing.  After the first couple continuances I counter filed.  I think it was at that point the court ordered Psych Evals for both of us, with results to be shared with the court and both sides.  I promptly complied, a grad student from the local university did it at my county's mental health agency.  Whoopee, the quickie eval said I had anxiety.  Back at court I shared my report.  Crickets from her side, and soon the cases were dismissed.  I wish I had said, "We'll share dad's report when you share mom's report."  To this day, over 12 years later, I have no idea whether she even complied and had her Psych Eval.  Lesson learned:  If both are required to do, say or reveal something then don't hand over your stuff until you see the other doing the same too.

Temp order hearing  My lawyer whispered, "Shh, stay quiet, we'll fix it later." ... .  When did it get "fixed"?  Not until the Final Decree nearly two years later... .

Vague boilerplate clauses such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreed"  Our custody and parenting orders need to be as specific as possible.  Standard clauses and phrases that presume cooperation and are written to foster cooperation between reasonably normal parents, are invitations for the obstructive parents to reinterpret the order, in their favor of course... .

Expecting the court to be fair  Expecting common sense and fairness is not rewarded in courts... .

[worriedStepmom]

She's not going to agree to therapy for your son.  She thinks you are questioning her parenting skills.

It's inappropriate for her to have started showering with him.

In your shoes, I'd probably call around and see if there is a good therapist who specializes in small kids who is willing to see him with just your signature.

[kells76]

Like worriedStepmom mentioned, you may be able to find a professional who will meet with you & Son without Mom's signature. I don't think it would hurt to ask around if you're honest about why ("I'm concerned about some of my son's mom's behaviors, and I need some professional advice about what I can do that would be best for him. I'd love to get him in to see someone, but I'm concerned that his mom doesn't see things the same way" -- maybe start out as neutral as you can).

Remember that you are 100% free to meet with anyone you like for as long as you like without Son, too. DH and I met up with a child therapist without bringing the kids (this was before Mom agreed to counseling). It was very helpful to get a professional opinion on the situation, even though she didn't see the kids. Remind me if you have a personal counselor -- if so, s/he could recommend some names.

Some community colleges offer weekend parenting classes with childcare for free. They might know of counseling resources for dads in your situation.

Good job caring about your son.

[JNChell]

Thanks for offering your advice, AnuDay. It’s appreciated.

I expect the same to happen to you.

My gut is beginning to tell me the same thing. I feel that it’s time to start preparing and to stop pondering.

You have to argue in ways that makes it look like she's the winner or she gets a reward in my experience.

I see this expressed a lot on the boards. It’s like negotiating with a child. It’s starting to come together in my mind. The real kicker for me is that I witnessed this “child” give birth to our child. It was a life changing experience. I’ve been thinking more and more about the advice that I’ve seen ForeverDad offer on this board about digging our heals in and allowing ourselves to basically become ruthless when it comes to FC.

Personally, I don't think you get enough time with your kid, perhaps as the child gets older you should try to get more time.

I feel a certain amount of pain each day that I’m not able to see our Son. It isn’t natural. I’m getting used to it, slowly. Thank you for validating this feeling without me even expressing it. My guess is that you know how it feels.

[JNChell]

ForeverDad. I zeroed in on the portion of your quote about psych evaluations. From a strategic standpoint, I would want these performed. My concern is that if I’m able to have S3 evaluated, and possibly enrolled in therapy, that this would prompt his mother to be the first to file for a court order. You mentioned that the accuser typically isn’t required to take a psych evaluation. I think a psych eval on my ex is paramount. I feel that she doesn’t really want to go to court. When she was threatening it in the past, and when things were very hostile between us, I simply told her that her dirt will come to light as well in a public setting. She has claimed to have counsel, but I don’t quite believe her. I didn’t know that there was public assistance for counsel before posting here, and she is adept at working the system. Barely works, food stamps, HIP, etc. so she may not be bluffing.

As it sits now, I feel like my best strategy is playing the long game. Get S3 enrolled in therapy if a series of evaluations determine this and demonstrate how his mother was against it. How she showed hostility towards the idea instead of showing concern and discussing the idea. Am I on the right thought path here?

[JNChell]

High there, worriedStepmom. Thank you for your input. I have a couple of questions if that’s ok.

She's not going to agree to therapy for your son.  She thinks you are questioning her parenting skills.

I feel this vibe as well. Do you have experience with this? If so, are you comfortable with sharing that with me? I didn’t even think to look at this from an angle of her perceiving this as me questioning her parenting skills. My first thought and concern is our Son. Now that you point it out, I imagine that she feels threatened and has inherently made the situation about her and not our Son. My communication skills with her need a lot of work and improvement.

I agree with your other 2 points. Thank you.

[JNChell]

Hello, kells76. Thanks for lending your advice.

I don't think it would hurt to ask around if you're honest about why ("I'm concerned about some of my son's mom's behaviors, and I need some professional advice about what I can do that would be best for him. I'd love to get him in to see someone, but I'm concerned that his mom doesn't see things the same way" -- maybe start out as neutral as you can).

Your advice is well received and I feel like it would be a good practice to possibly help prepare me for the courtroom should it come to that which I think is inevitable if I’m to find any peace in this situation in knowing that our Son has an avenue for semblance at this innocent point in his life. This is about S3, not the perceived war that his mom is envisioning.

I do have a personal therapist. She’s a trauma specialist. A psychologist and she has already given me a recommendation of a child psychologist. One that she described as a therapist that she has been trying to get to join her practice. I trust my T, so I trust her recommendation. To be honest, pulling the trigger on all of this scares me. I need to fact find and weigh my options before I make a move. This doesn’t seem like a place where impulsivity will do any good. I need guidance on this.

[worriedStepmom]

High there, worriedStepmom. Thank you for your input. I have a couple of questions if that’s ok.

She's not going to agree to therapy for your son.  She thinks you are questioning her parenting skills.

I feel this vibe as well. Do you have experience with this? If so, are you comfortable with sharing that with me? I didn’t even think to look at this from an angle of her perceiving this as me questioning her parenting skills. My first thought and concern is our Son. Now that you point it out, I imagine that she feels threatened and has inherently made the situation about her and not our Son. My communication skills with her need a lot of work and improvement.

This is where we are.  My stepdaughter is 11.  We sought therapy for her 5 months ago after her uBPDmom had a complete and utter meltdown (and involved SD) when H suggested that SD might need allergy testing.  She told H point-blank that she did not want SD to get the testing because a) if there were allergies, that proved uBPDmom was a bad mother for not noticing and therefore CPS would take her daughter away forever, b) if there were allergies, it might be to something at her house and therefore CPS would take SD away forever, and c) I suggested it and I'm the stepmom trying to take away her parental rights.  <giant eye roll>

The meltdowns were even worse when H insisted that SD go see a therapist... .uBPDmom tried to cancel the appointment, tried to change the appointment to family therapy (because, as she told H, if the T and SD would only listen to her, they'd realize that she's doing all the right good parent things), tried to get the T fired, left T utterly nasty messages, and tells SD how evil the T is.  The repeated theme is that SD is just fine, so the only reason to have a T is to brainwash SD to take her away from her mother.

H got away with taking SD to the therapist unilaterally because, at the core, uBPDmom has always been afraid that he'd take SD away, and that if anyone else knows about her issues, that she'll lose SD forever.

H went back to court this summer to get primary physical custody and sole mental health decision making (which I'm glad he has, because uBPDmom is now trying to take SD to a different T).  uBPDmom signed the papers that he dictated because she didn't want to go to court (because the judge would take one look at her and take her daughter away forever - sigh).  The meltdowns were intense for two months, but H held firm and she signed.

How do you think your ex would react if you just took your S to the therapist?  Or if you filed for custody?

[worriedStepmom]

Also, don't underestimate the power that you have to influence your S even at his age.

SD was 4 when I met her.  H had her about 40% of the time.  uBPDmom has always been very triggered by my existence, and she would say awful things about me to SD.  I explained to SD my definition of being a stepmother.  She nodded once, and the next day I heard her repeating that definition verbatim to EVERYONE who stood still long enough to listen.  I wasn't living with her dad, I was just the nice lady who hung out with her and listened one day a week for the last few months... .and she accepted my interpretation over that of her mother. 

If you aren't comfortable going to the therapist yet, have them recommend some books you can read now, and start trying out some of the tactics now.