mother with BPD but not diagnosis

[Dewoudloper]

Hello everyone. this is my story: I grew up in a family where there was always a fight. as a child I went against it, I was called a naughty child with a rotten character, and often there was a threat of sending me to boarding school. Also to the outside world my parents let me understand that I was a difficult and naughty child. my mother always spoke badly about my father, he was not home and fled into work and hobbies. when i went to college,my mother was so proud to tell everyone that her daughter was going to study, but in reality she was not interested. I had to beg to pay for my room, begging again every week to get a living money. Until I started living with my boyfriend. Then she "forgot" to pay for my studyroom. Every week i had to beg to get my living money. when I got home I had to do my laundry myself. she was never interested and everything was always too much. No one knew this, she only showed this to me. my mother always has a disease, pain somewhere, something bothered. There is always something wrong with her. Everything always revolves around her and if one of her children had something , she could turn it around so that it would revolve around herself. she is always negative and can exhaust you emotionally. She wears a mask to the outside world, and is very social to everyone, but at home she is always negative. she told me as a child that she was in love with another man, I was not allowed to say anything to my father. when whe had a fight as a child, she would drive in the carf with me and tell me she would crash the both of us, suicide. she seeks male attention on the internet and in the daily life. friendships never last long, but are always very intense. I am now almost 30 years old, and I am about to break emotionally with her. I have to think about myself. Unfortunately, my whole family is stuck in the sand and there is no talking about her. no one thinks she is sick, no one is talking about it. My father is stil with her, but he is never home, always running from her. are there people who recognise this? thank you and sorry for the bad english

[Learning2Thrive]

Dewoudloper

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this kind of behavior from your mother. Yes, I recognize and have been on the receiving end of many of the behaviors you described.

You mentioned you are almost 30. What is your current living situation? How often do you see your mother these days?

What areas would you most like help dealing with?

L2T

[Dewoudloper]

Learning2Thrive, i am married since last year and happy with my husband  he knows the situation and he knows what i have been through as a child.
He is supporting. I see my mother now every other week. The problem is that my father does not talk bad about my mother, he always ignores the problems, to keep peace. i have two brothers, the older one was gone every night and never home, he was running from the situation, my younger brother always was good and she was always nice to him, and overpretective towards him. I would want to break contact with her, but than, my family would not understand, they don't see the problem, or they don't want to see it

[Learning2Thrive]

Learning2Thrive, i am married since last year and happy with my husband  he knows the situation and he knows what i have been through as a child. He is supporting.

Congratulations on your marriage last year. It’s wonderful that you are happy with your husband and he is supportive.

I see my mother now every other week. The problem is that my father does not talk bad about my mother, he always ignores the problems, to keep peace. i have two brothers, the older one was gone every night and never home, he was running from the situation, my younger brother always was good and she was always nice to him, and overpretective towards him. I would want to break contact with her, but than, my family would not understand, they don't see the problem, or they don't want to see it

Yes, this is a common problem in many families. Often it’s a go along to get along situation. When one person in the family decides to step outside the “expected role” the others often rally to get that person back in line. Unfortunately, we can not change anyone else (no matter if they are right, wrong or somewhere in between).

Do you think setting some healthy boundaries around your interactions with your mother might help you?

L2T

[Dewoudloper]

learning2thrive, yes i really need to do that, but she still can get under my skin, last week for example. it was the day i was married for 1 year, i was really happy and we went to have a coffee, she told me ' i will go to therapy because i am unhappy for 30 years and your father is bad, and my live is so heavy and no one is worried about me, ... .but you can not tell anyone, i will just tell you" so i told her that that was wrong and she was selfish, she is doing this her entire life to me. always telling me secrets that i have to keep to myself. when i said she was selfish, she was getting really angry and exploded, so i decided to leave, when i left, she was sending messages i am sorry that i hurt you... .i ignored her... .but my day was ruined and it had gotten under my skin like always

[Learning2Thrive]

learning2thrive, yes i really need to do that, but she still can get under my skin, last week for example. it was the day i was married for 1 year, i was really happy and we went to have a coffee, she told me ' i will go to therapy because i am unhappy for 30 years and your father is bad, and my live is so heavy and no one is worried about me, ... .but you can not tell anyone, i will just tell you" so i told her that that was wrong and she was selfish, she is doing this her entire life to me. always telling me secrets that i have to keep to myself. when i said she was selfish, she was getting really angry and exploded, so i decided to leave, when i left, she was sending messages i am sorry that i hurt you... .i ignored her... .but my day was ruined and it had gotten under my skin like always

Yes, the part I highlighted is an attempt at manipulation, emotional blackmail and FOG.
F - fear
O - obligation
G - guilt

Have you read our article on emotional blackmail and FOG yet?

You can find it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I hope you’ll give it a read and let us know if it sounds familiar to you.
 

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Dewoudloper, after you have a chance to read through the article, I hope you will come back here and ask more questions.

We are here to listen and support you.    I’m heading off to work soon, but I will check back in on you this evening.

Have a great day. 

[Dewoudloper]

I read it, and it's confronting. I think my mother is a combination between punisher and sufferer. Is that possible?
it's very familiar to me. I also read this: "Change Your Response, Change Your Life" , and i understand what they are saying. But at this time, i am really sick of her behavior and i really don't want to talk to her any more, in all these years, it has make me hate her for a part, i know that is hard to say, but when i think of her, everything is negative, so it's hard to do this, do you understand what i mean?

[Harri]

Hi.  It is good to have you here with us.

Yes, I understand.  It is hard when there is so much anger and hurt.  How often do you see your mother?  I ask because sometimes the best thing you can do when you feel this way is to limit your contact some.  I don't mean to stop seeing her at all, but to maybe only talk with her on days when you are feeling stronger.  Dealing with a BPD parent is very difficult and can be quite draining. 

There are things you can to to make it better though.  The first is to establish boundaries and begin to separate emotionally.  Are you familiar with boundaries?  Have you tried them before with your mother?  If so, can you give some details about them?  We can help you determine you boundary and then decide on an act that will enforce your boundary if you want help. 

[Dewoudloper]

Hello Harri, thank you for the response. I went to a therpist 5 years ago, she told me that when i visit my parents, i just have to go for half an hour, so in that time, the contact is limited and not personal. So she does not have the space to hurt me. But last weekend we went on friday, our dog went for the weekend because we were married one year. One friday she was very sweet and she asked to stay for dinner, everything was absolutely fine and even nice, that never happens... .so i enjoyed it. But on sunday everything was like the old again ( you can read it in my post). I am mad because i had to know things would turn around 100 degrees again. We go every other week to my parents, but now, i think i have to go less. But that's sad for my dad, because he is also a victim then... .it's hard having a mother like this.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .But at this time, i am really sick of her behavior and i really don't want to talk to her any more, in all these years, it has make me hate her for a part, i know that is hard to say, but when i think of her, everything is negative, so it's hard to do this, do you understand what i mean?

Yes, I understand. I have elected to go no contact with my uNPD mother. It’s simply not safe for me to have a relationship with her. I’m certainly not suggesting you choose to do that. You have lots of options and we have tools to help.

Knowing how your mother is, how often do you feel you want to see or interact with her?

Do you think having some healthy boundaries might help you? One really important thing about boundaries that people often get confused over is that boundaries are not about making rules and setting punishment for the other person. Boundaries are a powerful tool that we use to keep ourselves safe. It often takes some practice to get it right, but it’s really worth it.  If you’re interested, you can read more here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I also encourage you to read some of the other threads on this board. I think you will see you’re not alone. Feel free to join in some of those conversations too. We’re all here to help and support each other.

L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

 :hi:Dewoudloper,

I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing. My work/life schedule has been pretty chaotic lately, but I wanted you to know that I am sending you positive thoughts and encouragement.

Let us know how you’re doing when you have a chance.

L2 T