Don't know whether to fight for this or let the relationship go

[cherry_tomatoes]

I met my (ex?)partner several years ago in college. She was still working on her bachelor's and I returned for leveling classes for a master's program. We became friends and supported one another through bad relationships and breakups with other people. We got together after the breakups and joked that this was typically par for the course for lesbians like us.

My partner's family of origin was abusive. She was living with her godmother, who was rather strange and likely uBPD herself. We had a pretty typical 'late-millennials-with-no-money-and-thus-failure-to-launch' relationship and things were, on the whole, pretty good. I graduated from my Master's program and got a decently paying full time job; my partner kept taking undergrad classes despite some failed terms due to issues with her ADHD medication. My parents bought me an apartment (my inheritance, according to them). My partner was having issues with her godmother and I offered her to come live with me. I told her not to worry about rent or utilities while she was in school as we live in a VERY high cost-of-living area.

After we moved in, things started going south. My partner was often very negative and would complain about nearly everything. Every day, she found something new to hate about the apartment. She would make a mess, leave it around, and get upset if I asked her to clean it up. She would counter by listing all the ways I was messy. It got so bad that just the sight of the place overwhelmed me. When we fought, I always found myself apologizing for some wrong i committed and 'making amends' (read: buying things for her) at her insistence. I began withdrawing socially from others and feeling generally 'off' at home. I couldn't really predict what would upset her or how much she would blow up at me. She stopped contacting her own friends and her godmother cut both of us off for petty reasons.

This summer, things really came to a head. I work in a school, so we had a LOT of time to spend with one another. She told me that my mental health had gotten so bad and I was doing nothing to improve myself. I would need to make 'some change' by the end of the summer or she would leave me. Fearing the loss of my best friend, I begged her to reconsider and stay. From that point, it got worse and worse. On a good day, things were looking up. On a bad day, I was only getting worse. When she would fight with me, I found myself mentally slowing down and having trouble saying anything. She took offense at this- that I was 'forgetting how to speak English' if I began a sentence and then revised it and 'giving her the silent treatment' if paused before talking. I began to feel more and more insane, and her demands of me more and more unhinged. She threatened to break up every other day, it seemed, and the problems were 100 percent my fault.

During this time, we began couples therapy in addition to our own individual therapists. It did not seem to help.

When work started up again, things got even worse. I needed to go to sleep much earlier now that I had to be at work early in the morning. She would explode if I wanted to go to sleep early, claiming that my job was more important to me than she was. She claimed that if I were to go to bed, she would break up with me by randomly taking the cats and disappearing one day while I was at work. I was in shock, and started to talking to my close co-workers about this behavior. Each and every one told me that it was abusive. I began formulating a plan to end the relationship.

During this time, I had been calling our couples' therapist asking for advice/reality checks. The therapist suggested that my partner had all the signs of BPD and that she would talk to her when possible. However, crises just lumped on top of crises and the therapist was basically running damage control. I began formulating my exit strategy.

Last week, I broke up with her. She came home with the cats safely boarded in a facility and my mother by my side. Amazingly, she was open to having a full and productive conversation with me. When I told her that the therapist said that she likely has BPD, she was open to hearing it. I told her she could stay in my apartment to finish the semester if she began DBT therapy. I knew she had few people in her life and nowhere really to go, and I really didn't want to toss her out on the streets. She began research that night and using a DBT workbook/contacting therapists the next day.

She says that she is serious about getting therapy. She always knew something was 'broken' inside her preventing her from really making friends. She was horrified to realize how abusive her behavior toward me had become. She says she can't expect anything from me but that she wants to get better and maybe one day be deserving of me.

I want her to get better and recover as much as she says she wants to. But I also have my own damage from this. I feel like my apartment isn't my own. I can't relax or enjoy myself while she's here for now. I need to do my own work in healing and I fear I can't do that while she's living here. But she has very little money, no degree, no full time job and nowhere to go. She claims she can ask around and she's certain someone would help her out if I really wanted her out.

Everyone says I should break all ties with her and that the abuse will repeat until I kick her out. Part of me wants to believe that DBT will be very effective and I could possibly get my partner back because she seems to want to get better. She's been nothing but kind since my mother left two days ago, even though I know this whole situation is hard for her. I am so afraid that she will go back to the way she was and abuse me again. I've told her that, if she does, I am kicking her out immediately.

And I am afraid for my own healing... .that *I* will not be able to go back to the person I was. I think she needs to move out in order for me to heal. But how can I ask this of someone who has nowhere else to go?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi cherry_tomatoes and

you do sound exhausted. as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, i am glad you found us. a good strong support system is so critical in dealing with these relationships, and finding emotional balance.

so it sounds like there is, on one hand, some good news. shes getting help for BPD, and for now, is committed to it. therapy can be a long and difficult road, and its important to have realistic expectations in terms of results, the ups and downs, etc. we teach and practice DBT skills ourselves here on this board, and they arent learned or implemented over night. but self awareness and personal accountability are a catalyst for change.

on the other, youre at your wits end, there is a lot of resentment and damage, and you feel that living together inhibits your recovery. it is certainly true that for a real shot at salvaging the relationship, recovering from the wounds is paramount, and wont happen over night either. the tools and lessons here can help with that, and can give you a lot of space, though.

there are no easy answers in terms of what to do. there are so many potential risks and rewards and considerations. its important to weigh all of your options carefully, consider them, get feedback here.

if i were you, id explore those considerations before i make a decision. we have a thread here that explores therapeutic separations (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686.0) and i would take a look at the lessons and tools to the right of the board... .get a sense for things and possible next steps.

right now, what does the day to day of living together look like? is there any particular conflict between the two of you?

[cherry_tomatoes]

right now, what does the day to day of living together look like? is there any particular conflict between the two of you?

Right now, she's sleeping in the second bedroom. I have the bed. We've had a long weekend, so we spent the last two days talking about our thoughts and feelings and treatment issues and playing a video game we both enjoy together. She's currently hanging out with an old friend of hers. We haven't had a fight since the breakup conversation, but my mother was there for two days of that.


I go back to work tomorrow. Who knows what the 'new normal' is gonna look like starting then. We've agreed that I get the bed and she will sleep elsewhere for the near future.


She is worried that she is going to come home again to find the cats gone. She understands why I boarded them and does not fault me for it. But now she's afraid to leave the house out of fear for them. (Funny... .her threats to abduct them made me feel exactly that way:P )

[cherry_tomatoes]

One thing she’s done well is to elicit your protective instincts. How long do you think it would be appropriate to let her stay, knowing what you do about her proclivities?

Honestly, I think December is a bit too distant in the future because it gives her MONTHS to backslide on me. It also gives her ample opportunity to treat leaving as this distant thing that isn't going to happen if she works hard enough. It also delays my own healing by several months.


However, that is when this semester ends for her, and gives her enough time to pack/plan/strategize/decide what to do next.


I think we're going to have these discussions in the therapist's office... .

[once removed]

so, what are your deal breakers in terms of removing her?

as in, if she does x, y, or z, shes out. what are the x y and zs?

[cherry_tomatoes]

so, what are your deal breakers in terms of removing her?

as in, if she does x, y, or z, shes out. what are the x y and zs?

I spent several days thinking about this, because it deserves to be considered in full.
I cannot tolerate the following:

1. Any sort of name-calling, especially ones that touch on my insecurities (e.g. 'You're fat', 'You're incompetent'). If I ask her to stop and she does not, this is verbal abuse.

2. Preventing me from sleeping by creating excessive noise or delivering ultimatums after I have told her that I am turning in for the night.

3. Intentionally making a mess to 'get back' at me (e.g. throwing her clothes around the apartment because she knows it bothers me)

4. Threats to break things, ruin prized possessions, or steal the cats.

[once removed]

that seems reasonable, and it sounds like you gave it a lot of thought.

are these things that frequently have occurred in your relationship? old habits die hard sometimes... .while it sounds like shes made strides, its realistic to expect a slip up. people with BPD traits sometimes, out of insecurity, can resort to these things, especially if they have "worked" in the past. its important to know that by changing how we respond, we can nip a lot of this stuff in the bud.

its been a few days, how are things going? any update?

[pearlsw]

This summer, things really came to a head. I work in a school, so we had a LOT of time to spend with one another. She told me that my mental health had gotten so bad and I was doing nothing to improve myself. I would need to make 'some change' by the end of the summer or she would leave me. Fearing the loss of my best friend, I begged her to reconsider and stay. From that point, it got worse and worse. On a good day, things were looking up. On a bad day, I was only getting worse. When she would fight with me, I found myself mentally slowing down and having trouble saying anything. She took offense at this- that I was 'forgetting how to speak English' if I began a sentence and then revised it and 'giving her the silent treatment' if paused before talking. I began to feel more and more insane, and her demands of me more and more unhinged. She threatened to break up every other day, it seemed, and the problems were 100 percent my fault.

Hi cherry_tomatoes,

Glad you found the site and are working through these tough issues! It's important to be able to stay grounded in reality when our lives get into an ongoing crisis mode!

I wanted to pick on this point you mention above. Did/do you also have mental health issues or was your partner projecting this onto you? Did you find the therapy helpful?

What would you say the state of your feelings towards her are at this point?

If you do eventually ask her to go, or are even thinking of this, try not to let excessive guilt cloud your mind. It might not seem so, but she likely can find another place and rearrange her life if your healing has to take front and center. You can't be the one to provide her extra support in life if it comes at the price of your own mental health.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[cherry_tomatoes]

I wanted to pick on this point you mention above. Did/do you also have mental health issues or was your partner projecting this onto you? Did you find the therapy helpful?

What would you say the state of your feelings towards her are at this point?

i actually do have mental health issues. I have ADHD, major depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I think the GAD is secondary to my ADHD. My depression stems from chronic bullying and peer rejection I experienced as a child. Before this relationship, I was managing my depression with frequent exercise and treating my ADHD. As this relationship progressed, I stopped exercising. It wasn't directly related to the relationship- my Zumba gym shut down and my dance teacher retired. But instead of finding new places and sticking with them, I found myself spending more and more time with my partner. I also felt guilty for partaking in these things as my partner did not have the same kind of money to spend on her own hobbies and that I should help her try to reach out more... .

... .but typing THAT out makes me see how insane that line of thinking really is. When I was living at home with my parents and had very little money, what I did have I spent on dance. She does have some money but it is her choice how to spend it especially since I have been paying for pretty much all our living expenses.


I think her projection made my disorders worse. I never had full anxiety spirals during conversations before, but when she goes into full BPD meltdown mode I realize I have begun dissociating which just triggers her more. Pretty much all our fights this summer were about how my mental health is getting worse and that I am not taking care of myself.


It's so easy to say I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do. She says she can find enough work to support herself if she wanted to and that she could make it happen, but when I try to have these conversations it will build up in her now and trigger her later. She says she wants to remain living with me, and I know she knows that she contributes very little to making my life easier in that regard. She's telling me to ask her to help with certain chores or things but I find it so hard to do this because this sometimes triggers a meltdown. The key trigger is her clothes- she leaves them in piles everywhere and when I ask her to put them away she can't handle it.


I am so torn. This person is (was?) my best friend. We did so many things together, enjoyed so much together. We had dreams about what our life would look like and our house would look like. I still see that person underneath the bull. Sometimes she's lucid. Sometimes I can almost relax. I don't want her gone from my life forever. I'd like to have what we had- of her having her own basic living situation and I my own. I'd like to be able to feel like she is an adult and absolved of any feelings of responsibility, of needing to take care of her. I used to view her as an adult and when we moved in together that began to change. But as she lives with me now I feel like I resent her for taking what I have to give and returning the favor with a feeling of constant dread and uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring.


To answer Once Removed, she is no longer lashing out at me. She had a breakdown a few days ago and mostly got depressed and lashed out at herself.  We are still doing many things together and I feel on guard when she is around. She apologized for hurting me, for abusing me. She's a victim of abuse herself. But when I try to suggest what I need to heal is for her to move out after her classes are done, she replies that the only thing she thinks will help me is to stay living with her and seeing each day that she will not lash out at me. Honestly, I think this is another red flag. She doesn't want to leave and lose her living situation and the cats. But i don't want to continue with my home and my life not feeling like my own anymore.

[cherry_tomatoes]

Another update:

She's been working the DBT workbook and trying to find a therapist. She went to one last night, and came out ambivalent toward him. She's not going to see him again for some pretty logical reasons:

1. The office is very far away and hard to get to without a car, and she doesn't want me to feel obligated to drive her.

2. The therapist was nice. Too nice. She says she's looking for a therapist to challenge what she says and 'call her on her bull. Her current therapist is very nice and validating but, in her own words, 'she doesn't challenge me to see and correct my crazyperson thinking patterns.' She wants to keep seeing this therapist but find someone who is willing to be more firm with her.

She said that if this guy were a good fit, she'd make the trip. But she doesn't feel like she'd improve if the therapist isn't the type to call her out.

[once removed]

But when I try to suggest what I need to heal is for her to move out after her classes are done, she replies that the only thing she thinks will help me is to stay living with her and seeing each day that she will not lash out at me. Honestly, I think this is another red flag.

she has a point, in that to restore the relationship trust needs to be completely rebuilt. accountability needs to be in place. demonstrations need to be made. there should be consistency.

of course, she doesnt dictate the terms of how that might happen.

its hard to rebuild that trust without working through the resentment, at your own pace. id really encourage you to see a therapist of your own if you arent already, to work on choosing a path; either an exit strategy or working to recover while living together. i dont think either will be simple.

what do you think?

[cherry_tomatoes]

she has a point, in that to restore the relationship trust needs to be completely rebuilt. accountability needs to be in place. demonstrations need to be made. there should be consistency.

of course, she doesnt dictate the terms of how that might happen.

its hard to rebuild that trust without working through the resentment, at your own pace. id really encourage you to see a therapist of your own if you arent already, to work on choosing a path; either an exit strategy or working to recover while living together. i dont think either will be simple.

what do you think?

The most complicating factor is that I own the apartment and pay all living costs. If anyone is exiting this place, it's her. She has everything to gain by continuing to live here.
I do have a therapist and am going to see her right now, actually. I'll bring this up with her.

[once removed]

howd it go?

[cherry_tomatoes]

howd it go?

I think it went very positively. We discussed my going to Codependents Anonymous, reading some of the books recommended here, and creating the boundary that she will leave at the end of the semester. Now my ex/partner is talking about spending a few weeks apart at LEAST following the end of the semester so we each have a chance to breathe.

I'm going to keep this work up with my therapist and revisit the conversation with my ex/partner in November, telling her she has to move out and get a room somewhere. I'm willing to help her pack her stuff, move it, and even store some of it here until she can get situated. Therapy is helping me realize that I don't want to keep doing the work to eke out a tolerable existence living with her.