Going on a few dates. Utterly depressing.

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I have been feeling quite good the last few weeks. I have been really good with my self care. Exercising, eating well and lots of positive affirmations (really help) and i can feel the difference and i can feel myself moving on and feeling much more positive about the future. Now when i wake up i won't think about my uBPDex gf and its such a relief and in some ways a little sad too as i know that chapter of my life is over. With my new found positivity I decided to go on a few internet dates as i thought that i had detached to enough of a degree to be able to meet new people. The problem is that i don't see how i can ever meet anyone where the beginning of the relationship will ever compare to what i had with my ex.
The beginning with my ex wasn't typical for BPD. We met online and it was 4 dates before we even kissed. We took it very slow. I didn't stay over for 2 months and we didn't tell each other we loved each other till 4 months but the emotional connection was there very early. She was perfect in almost every way. It was ideal. I used to go to sleep with a smile on my face if we were seeing each other the next day. Things changed at 10 weeks when the rows and aggression started and from that point on it was typically BPD so i know that it won't ever work but i am struggling now with the idea of dating new people.

I feel great and really positive so i go on a date and then it pales into comparison to the highs i have experienced before and then i feel incredibly depressed and struggle to get out of bed. I honestly feel that there is no point in dating and that i just have to accept that i will never find what i had again. How can you date someone knowing that it isn't a patch on the emotion and connection that you had before? Is it possible to meet someone post BPD and not compare the good times?

[toughday]

I have been feeling quite good the last few weeks. I have been really good with my self care. Exercising, eating well and lots of positive affirmations (really help) and i can feel the difference and i can feel myself moving on and feeling much more positive about the future. Now when i wake up i won't think about my uBPDex gf and its such a relief and in some ways a little sad too as i know that chapter of my life is over. With my new found positivity I decided to go on a few internet dates as i thought that i had detached to enough of a degree to be able to meet new people. The problem is that i don't see how i can ever meet anyone where the beginning of the relationship will ever compare to what i had with my ex.
The beginning with my ex wasn't typical for BPD. We met online and it was 4 dates before we even kissed. We took it very slow. I didn't stay over for 2 months and we didn't tell each other we loved each other till 4 months but the emotional connection was there very early. She was perfect in almost every way. It was ideal. I used to go to sleep with a smile on my face if we were seeing each other the next day. Things changed at 10 weeks when the rows and aggression started and from that point on it was typically BPD so i know that it won't ever work but i am struggling now with the idea of dating new people.

I feel great and really positive so i go on a date and then it pales into comparison to the highs i have experienced before and then i feel incredibly depressed and struggle to get out of bed. I honestly feel that there is no point in dating and that i just have to accept that i will never find what i had again. How can you date someone knowing that it isn't a patch on the emotion and connection that you had before? Is it possible to meet someone post BPD and not compare the good times?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi toughday,

I'm sorry that you've found yourself feeling low after these dates.  It's got to be very difficult feeling deflated that the same connection isn't there.  That is something I struggle with myself - the idea of anyone else matching up.  I've chosen not to seek a new r/s since I left my ex as I feel I have a lot more work to do on myself before I'm ready for something healthy.  We have a great article here on the Characteristics of Healthy Relationships, which gave me real food for thought.  Have you taken time to consider what you are looking for in a prospective partner and how an ideal relationship would look to you?  Surprisingly many of us don't do this and can find ourselves with mismatches in our values which we don't necessarily pick up on as early as we might.  It's a good exercise to think about this and perhaps write these things down to assess what your current aims are.

Something worth remembering is that the connection we can feel so early with a BPD partner has a lot of it's roots in the idealisation and mirroring that we experience.  That is a really strong draw for someone who maybe otherwise struggles with their self worth.  (I am a classic case in that respect and in therapy now working on my low self esteem, so that I can change that.)  It's important not to forget how that shifts to the other extreme in a disordered r/s once devaluation begins.  I read your first post here and this is what you said about how things had deteriorated:

i no longer recognised the person in the mirror. I was just a shell. Two years of stress, verbal attacks (and one physical too), put downs and very subtle cold brush offs had left me broken and my behaviour changed. I became mean to her and she asked me to leave.

So whilst it can be natural to want to seek that same high and emotional connection, I guess what I've come to realise is that this isn't usually how a healthy r/s starts.  If you imagine the highs and the lows combined and levelled out, then my perception of a healthy r/s is that it's more like this - there will be good times and bad but not to the same extremes, making it more sustainable and something which can start more gradually, build and grow.  That's not to say that we can't love someone to the same depths (not forgetting we bring something to the party) but in reality it would be built on a stronger foundation and come from a healthier place for both people involved.

After the dates you've had and the way you're feeling after them at present, what do you want to do?  It sounds like you're doing well in other areas of your life and taking great care of yourself.  This is great to hear.  Do you feel like you've done all your grieving?  I'll look forward to reading more in your thread from yourself and others.

Love and light x   

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry that you've found yourself feeling low after these dates.  It's got to be very difficult feeling deflated that the same connection isn't there.  That is something I struggle with myself - the idea of anyone else matching up.  I've chosen not to seek a new r/s since I left my ex as I feel I have a lot more work to do on myself before I'm ready for something healthy.  We have a great article here on the Characteristics of Healthy Relationships, which gave me real food for thought.  Have you taken time to consider what you are looking for in a prospective partner and how an ideal relationship would look to you?  Surprisingly many of us don't do this and can find ourselves with mismatches in our values which we don't necessarily pick up on as early as we might.  It's a good exercise to think about this and perhaps write these things down to assess what your current aims are.

I'm also not dating at all and may never date (still separated and already "old"), but thanks for the link to the handout. I read it awhile ago, but it was interesting reading it again after months of working through this. I saw it with new eyes.

[BeagleGirl]

toughday,
Your statement about the way you feel after these dates stood out to me.  My circumstances are a bit different, but I've been trying to figure out why my emotions are so easily swayed by what is going on the romantic front.  I want a more healthy emotional stability and feel like I need to figure out the reason behind the instability in order to achieve it. 

A technique I've been using lately is "What am I afraid of?  What's the truth?".  I'm finding that it makes it a bit easier to understand what I'm feeling and move forward through those feelings.  Would you like to give it a try?  What truths can you use to address the fear you express below?

"I honestly feel that there is no point in dating and that i just have to accept that i will never find what i had again."

BG

[gotbushels]

toughday  

We're here to help each other.   Sometimes when a date doesn't go well then we may feel lonely afterward.

I feel great and really positive so i go on a date and then it pales into comparison to the highs i have experienced before and then i feel incredibly depressed and struggle to get out of bed.

When you don't get what you want from a date then you feel incredibly depressed and struggle to get out of bed. It seems that the outcome of the date is causing you to doubt the worth of that day.

Something that helps me in these kinds of situations is to figure out what I want from a date. I wouldn't want to start a relationship expecting the world from my partner; reciprocally I wouldn't want my partner to expect that of me. So what do you want?

You got some great tips from the others. Though what BeagleGirl suggested may seem a difficult truth, I think if I never find what I had again with my pwBPDex, I'd be tremendously delighted. I don't want to be told I'm perfect followed by a 4 hour tantrum Sunday night. There's some perspective I hope will help you through this.

[Insom]

Hey, toughday!  Congrats on the great job you've been doing with self care.  It's great to hear how getting out, working out, eating well, and affirmations have all helped you.

We took it very slow. I didn't stay over for 2 months and we didn't tell each other we loved each other till 4 months but the emotional connection was there very early.

Would it be fair to say that taking it slow in that relationship felt meaningful to you?  Do you think you'd like to take it slow in a new relationship, too?  How does that mesh with the online dates you've had? 

How can you date someone knowing that it isn't a patch on the emotion and connection that you had before? Is it possible to meet someone post BPD and not compare the good times?

FWIW, I am a  long-time married person.  I met my husband about eighteen months after extracting self from relationship with BPD ex.  Prior to meeting husband I had to kiss a few metaphorical frogs.  I knew when I met him he was a great fit for me because dating him felt great.

In retrospect I think it would have felt helpful to me to lower my expectations and take the position that most dates are practice.  Most men = not for me and that's OK.  I know how disappointing bad dates can feel but they're not a permanent state.  More like a learning phase you have to go through before you meet your right match. 

[toughday]

Thanks for all your responses it really means a lot to me and helps organise my feelings and put things in perspective.

Would it be fair to say that taking it slow in that relationship felt meaningful to you?  Do you think you'd like to take it slow in a new relationship, too?  How does that mesh with the online dates you've had? 

Taking it slow made it feel very different and building a solid foundation before becoming physical was great. In retrospect i think we took it too slow and it built a lot of pressure when we finally we intimate after 3 months. The online dates have been nothing more than just single dates with people with no urge to meet again so its hard to compare but i don't thihk i am going to be jumping into bed with anyone straight away. its just not me.

A technique I've been using lately is "What am I afraid of?  What's the truth?".  I'm finding that it makes it a bit easier to understand what I'm feeling and move forward through those feelings.  Would you like to give it a try?  What truths can you use to address the fear you express below?

"I honestly feel that there is no point in dating and that i just have to accept that i will never find what i had again.

Cheers beaglegirl, i'm not sure i have the emotional intelligence and self awareness needed to answer this accurately. if i am honest i think i still havent fully grieved for the lost relationship and also i have yet to fully come to terms with what i have been through. My mind still cycles through all the rows and events of the last two years trying to make sense of it all but without ever getting anywhere.

I am also worried that perhaps i am not capable of having a mature adult relationship and if i meet someone i will know that in the past i have loved someone else more than the person i am with. That would be tough to live with for me. If i don't then i have to accept that i will be alone and that is also scary as it seems that meeting someone and falling in love and having that companionship would be great as most of my friends and family have achieved this. Why not me.


I read your first post here and this is what you said about how things had deteriorated:

Quote
i no longer recognised the person in the mirror. I was just a shell. Two years of stress, verbal attacks (and one physical too), put downs and very subtle cold brush offs had left me broken and my behaviour changed. I became mean to her and she asked me to leave.

Thanks Harley Quinn... it helps to remind myself how difficult life was. Its so strange looking back. The fear, the love, the warmth, the anxiety. The lack of balance and empathy and at times the sheer brutality of our relationship was just overwhelming and yet i know i could never have left her. i am approaching the point where i am thankful she left as life would have been... well difficult and maybe not worth it long term.

Thanks to all... I think its just an indication that i still have some healing and learning to do. I will continue to date as i think its important and i will endeavour to undertsand that there has to be an inevitable number of frogs before i meet someone who i connect with. Even on my first date with my BPDex i wasn't sure if we had enough to meet again and then on the second date boom. In hindsight i wish i had never met my ex.

[JNChell]

toughday, I relate to a point. I miss the intimacy and I still have the primal needs that a man possesses. Women do as well, I’m not discriminating in my thoughts.

Being with another woman at this point in time just feels off to me. Dating, or even considering letting a woman close to me doesn’t feel safe. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but I don’t yet know how to love a woman that will love me back in a healthy and supportive manner. I’ve not yet found the best version of myself to offer a lovely woman.

[Drs204]

For me it's almost 4 months since I last saw her.

I have had a couple women come forth on FB so we will see.

Also, there was a woman at work that I had asked out a couple years back before my relationship with my xgfwBPD. I had gotten her number but must have wrote it down wrong as there was no return phone call or text from her. This was before we worked at the same place. I was able to talk to her a week or two or so ago and mentioned that previous time I had tried to get her number but never got a text back. She did say I must have wrote it down wrong as she never got a call or text. She also told me she doesn't date. But then right after we had a very good conversation together. She is normally a very quiet woman and even co-workers have commented on that. Then the other day she stopped and chatted with me a few minutes, asking how my vaction went as she knew I was away for a couple weeks. At least I am not invisible anymore!

Not that anything will come of it but it is nice to talk to the ladies again and she even knows I asked her out and is still talking to me, more than she did before. Maybe she will change her mind later or maybe she will not. But that does not matter.

It does help me move on and detatch. Little by little.