Need advice while I’m away w my husband

[lonely38]

I asked for advice before we left on vacation this past week. My BPD husband is with me in Maui. We had an argument and he says he booked a ticket home. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs but this is a first. I left w the rental car to eat dinner and sent him a text of what I’m doing and that I’m sorry I offended him. He replied this he’s flying back home on tue.  I told him I understood.
Now what? Do I let him flounder and figure this out on his own? Our marriage has been full of his immorality and I got triggered again today as there are plenty of females in swimsuits to look at. Anyway, he turned his head to look and that set me off. All fairly innocent but with the history we have I didn’t take it well.
I need help and advice please.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

Yes, I remember! Sorry that expectation has come to pass!

Do you believe he really booked ticket? If so, how long until he leaves on the flight?

Were you upset because he was obviously looking at women in front of you? What did you say to him about this, if so?

In your shoes I'd just ask myself if this was how I wanted the vacation to end or not. If I wanted him to hopefully stay I'd say so. If I didn't care if he left I'd let him go. He is going to make his own choices, so all you can do is decide if you want to try to get things back on track or if you don't mind the vacation ending this way. No point in begging and pleading over it though. Try to keep from adding to the heightened emotions and drama.

I'd also, if I apologized, make sure it wasn't an "I'm sorry, but... ." kind of an apology. He may or may not be in a mood to accept your apology. That is his choice. Just do the best you can for now. The relationship can't be fixed today, but if you want it to continue, in your shoes, I'd to reach out a bit, but not add to the drama.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[lonely38]

Thank you, sometimes this message board feels like the only place I can go. 

[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

Any update? How are you holding up?

take care, pearl.

p.s. I had many rough vacations myself. Was often threatened with being left in other countries, not included in activities, etc. It can be very disheartening to say the least.

[Learning2Thrive]

I asked for advice before we left on vacation this past week. My BPD husband is with me in Maui. We had an argument and he says he booked a ticket home. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs but this is a first. I left w the rental car to eat dinner and sent him a text of what I’m doing and that I’m sorry I offended him. He replied this he’s flying back home on tue.  I told him I understood.
Now what? Do I let him flounder and figure this out on his own? Our marriage has been full of his immorality and I got triggered again today as there are plenty of females in swimsuits to look at. Anyway, he turned his head to look and that set me off. All fairly innocent but with the history we have I didn’t take it well.
I need help and advice please.

Hi lonely in co,

I’m really sorry this happened to you. I can understand why you would feel upset by his behavior and openly gawking at other women, given the history.

Have you spoken with him yet? Did he really book his flight back or was it just a threat?

If you haven’t spoken with him yet and you still want to work on salvaging the situation before he leaves, you might want to take a few moments to re-center yourself and review these tools:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Most of all, please take good care of yourself. 

L2T

[Insom]

Hi, lonely in co.    It sounds like you hit a bump in your vacation.  I know it's counterintuitive (vacation is supposed to feel fun, right?) but vacation can feel stressful sometimes, too.  I can relate very much to feeling off-my-center when I'm away from my regular routine. 

What is happening today?  Did you husband commit to flying back home or are you still in Maui together?

[lonely38]

Thank you for checking in.  It is much appreciated.  I followed your advice and apologized with more than just saying I am sorry.  He was very angry and said that if I ever did that again, that we are 'over'.  I realize that this is where my marriage has been and will probably continue to be.  While my hope is that my BPD husband can get healthier, I am finally realizing that all I can do is work on me.  Unfortunately, the stress and anxiety of being in a relationship like this has taken a toll on my health and my own sanity.  Before we left on vacation, I asked my dr to prescribe something for anxiety and that is helping me tremendously, especially with sleep. 
Getting better all by myself is tough, especially while still in the relationship.  I am not abdicating myself as I know I have contributed to the marriage stuff.  I am just finally able to separate what is mine and what is truly his.  Before that, it all felt like a big jumbled mess.
I have shared with friends, etc.  but at some point, I feel no one really wants to hear from me.  I am in therapy and will go to therapy when I am back after vacation.  In the meantime, I am grateful for this site.

Thanks again!

[lonely38]

Just watched the ending conflict video once again.  Always good reminders for me. As well as the mindfulness link.  This site has been the greatest source of help for me and I am so very appreciate of it.

[Insom]

This site has been the greatest source of help for me and I am so very appreciate of it.

Thank you for saying this.  (I feel the same way.) 

While my hope is that my BPD husband can get healthier, I am finally realizing that all I can do is work on me. 

Congrats on this realization.   I know you're in overwhelm but there's something about what you've stated here that sounds empowering. 

I have shared with friends, etc.  but at some point, I feel no one really wants to hear from me.  I am in therapy and will go to therapy when I am back after vacation.  In the meantime, I am grateful for this site.

It's great you have friends you feel close enough to share about this stuff with.  I get that it's hard for people who haven't experienced a BPD relationship to truly relate.

When do you return home? 

[lonely38]

We leave next Monday.  Thank you again.  It means so much that folks who have no real idea of who I am are checking in.

[Learning2Thrive]

We leave next Monday.  Thank you again.  It means so much that folks who have no real idea of who I am are checking in.

Take good care of yourself, lonely in co. I hope you are able to enjoy some lovely, relaxing time together before you head back.

We are here for you and we care. 

  L2T

[lonely38]

So... .after my apology with details to my husband earlier this week, including that I was bringing up the past, that I did not consider him and I should have thought of that... .we have now gone from Sunday until Thursday night with him sleeping on the sofa and me in the bed of our vacation villa.  Thank you for sofas!  He has had a bad cold and has not felt well.  From having spent 38 years with this man, I also know that he has withdrawn from me, that I have gone from being good to bad, that he is hyperfocused on a few words I shared with him.

The vacation has pretty much been a disaster.  The blessing is I have enjoyed being in the sun and reading lots of books, etc.  I have tried to be a servant to him.  Bringing him juice, coffee, checking his forehead for fever, getting us lunch, etc.  I was pretty much by myself all day at the pool, and, honestly, that was ok with me.  In a very strange way, it is a huge relief to be away from his stuff.

Anyway, he came down to the pool in the afternoon and I could tell he was in a better mood.  I was glad of this.  Then he wanted to tell me something more about how he felt about earlier this week and how hurt he was.  He asked if this was a good time or if we should wait until we are home.  I responded to please wait until we are home.
Having come to Maui many many times over the years, I can look back at all of the dysfunction in our marriage and the interaction we have had, even while in a beautiful paradise.

My question, is that ok for me to ask him to put off anymore discussion until we are home?  We have barely talked, let alone touched since Sunday, which was 4 days ago.  This is so incredibly typical of our relationship.  I did decide this week to look into mediation and yoga and I reached out to a different therapist. 

My fear is that I am going to come to the realization, or that I should have already come to the realization, that our marriage will never be better.  That the only way to be better is all by myself without him making changes.  This all leads me back to how I feel about our marriage, LONELY.