Help Break up crisis is killing me

[Jane034]

My gf and I are going through a major crisis after almost 2 and 1/2 years.
Last night, a otherwise very pleasant day took a nasty turn as She tried playfully to throw water at me and I asked her to stop. She claimed I was a bore that she is young and needs to be playful and I behave like an old lady and that I should go and die already. While trying to keep it together and (pointlessly) reason with her, she accused me of not loving her and not appreciating her good mood which built up her anger to the point she started throwing things at me, turned physicall and threw me out when I was trying to tell her I was going to buy cigs. I just cried in the car for minutes at end. When I came back the front door was barricaded! This situation went off for the entire night until after cycling through accusations, regrets, resentment I gave an ultimatum either therapy or I was out. That I was not a terrible person and would not stay and endure this kind of things anymore. This is not the first time arguments get waaaay out of hand.
She has fallen to pieces and as much as I am hurt by this relationship I love her and I understand it’s a disorder.
But in trying to save mysef I seem to be destroying her and crushing her soul. I have barely slept last night. I can’t sleep listening to her sobbing in the roon next to mine. It drives a knife through my soul. But I cannot give in. I am willing to stay if she seeks therapy but after yesterday I need space to heal and since space means rejection it’s just too much.
I never asked to be the bearer of her life and happiness. I never asked to be her *only* reason to live this is so overwhelming! It’s so hard to not just give in and make her immense pain stop (for a while). It’s so hard to stick to my own limits when she is crying asking god for help calling upon her father. Omg, I feel like the most despicable human being and it is driving me insane! We live together with no family in this town.
I just wanted to share and get some advice if someone have been through a similar situation.
Peace!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jane034,

Sorry to hear of the pain and turmoil you are dealing with in your relationship.

Have you had a chance to read up on the lessons here to the right of the board yet? Especially the one on ending conflict?

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.

There are a lot of strategies that could possibly help with the kind of situation you describe, but it takes time to relearn our communication techniques in the face of such challenges.

Have you read about not-JADE-ing?

Don't JADE.

Has she been suicidal at times? Is she solely relying on you for a lot of her connection/support in life?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[livednlearned]

It can be hard to hear someone say "go to therapy" at the height of conflict because it feels like an escalation of the fight, instead of what is intended, which is a way to stay together.

If you are in therapy, "go to therapy" makes it easier to digest altho it could also confirm for her "Jane034 is in worse shape than me" which creates a false one-up position for her.

You may have to explain what you mean by go to therapy as an intention, by modeling it (to reduce shame/weakness associated with therapy).

"I will go see a therapist to help me understand what happens to me in these arguments we have, because I feel overwhelmed and confused about what happened" is a much easier limit to set for yourself. "If I cannot figure out how to be together without letting myself be drawn into explosive arguments, I may find another place to live while we sort out how to be together safely" models for her what it's like to take responsibility for feelings while implicating her in the fight dynamic, without being too explicit.