Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:06:36 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I took on a role I wasnt anywhere near capable of doing and hadnt evaluate  (Read 481 times)
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« on: September 19, 2018, 06:23:39 PM »

I was thinking about this thread today and how much it helped me to detach.

The dangerous water I found myself in emotionally was to have bonded myself into a position where - I felt that regardless of not being responsible for causing or controlling, I cemented myself into feeling obliged via "the power of love" to be there, unfalteringly loyal, regardless.

That is an enmeshment which strikes more to my own personal values becoming conflicted than it does to the rational side of not being to blame for my ex's predicament. Turning my back on her was reigning on a self made promise.

I did it eventually but only when I felt I could forgive myself for making a promise based on not understanding properly what I was obliging myself to. I took on a role that I wasnt anywhere near capable of doing and hadnt evaluated properly. The experience made me also question just how emotionally vulnerable I was to have been able to have done so in the first place.
Logged
Lostinthedesert

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37


« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2018, 04:59:38 PM »

Your words sum it up precisely... .and was my exact experience as well.  I was shocked to realize just how enmeshed I had become, how obligated to continue being her support and sometimes the "reason" for her unhappiness.  Of course we could not possibly be responsible for all the abuse that came before in their lives, but somehow believed we were then responsible to stay.  I was just wondering as I read your post, did I simply enable her behavior by staying and taking the brunt of her frustrations and bad behavior?  I started to wonder if by ignoring my own needs and getting more and more codependent that I made it worse for both of us?  I know she simply went on to the next woman to start the cycle over, but at least I was being more honest with both her and myself by not continuing the cycle. 
Logged
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 05:37:46 PM »

I was thinking about this thread today and how much it helped me to detach.

The dangerous water I found myself in emotionally was to have bonded myself into a position where - I felt that regardless of not being responsible for causing or controlling, I cemented myself into feeling obliged via "the power of love" to be there, unfalteringly loyal, regardless.



I would agree.

A. Growing up often times we believe in "fairy tale love". "Love at first sight" "love conquers all"

B. Then while with my BPD it was all about how much she loved me. And she would admit things haven't been perfect , but we love each other so much, and she promised "the best is yet to come"

So combining those 2, for me it was quite a hook.  Then you look around and see so many others you know that don't have great relationships either.  Either with cheating involved, lack of sex. Boredom. Divorce. .  Etc.  so it is easy to justify the crazy relationship you are in.

And it all comes back to how people define "love". I also wondered "should I be there for her and stick around because of love?"  Is love selfless, as in should I put myself second?  Should I love her but walk at the first sign of instability? Is that true love?


Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 05:45:21 PM »

I was just wondering as I read your post, did I simply enable her behavior by staying and taking the brunt of her frustrations and bad behavior?  I started to wonder if by ignoring my own needs and getting more and more codependent that I made it worse for both of us?  I know she simply went on to the next woman to start the cycle over, but at least I was being more honest with both her and myself by not continuing the cycle. 

Hi Lostinthedesert

I came to that conclusion far later on, post break up.

It has to be enabling, what else could it be. My ex never changed at all, in fact from how I perceived it, she got progressively worse in how she would behave towards me the longer it went on, the more often a new recycle would confirm that I was open to return each time. Therefore, not only do I see it as enabling the disordered behaviour in my case, my presence seemed to make her become worse not better, she told me once herself that she felt more mentally ill since she met me. No specifics given, but is it fair to say that giving all those positive mental energies to a person - regardless if it spans from; loving them, caring, kindness - for it to be reciprocated with a nasty response, theres bound to be some inner conflict thats going to take place.

Does it matter that she may or may not have (most highly like - has - and will continue to do so) simply find a new caretaker/enabler? Yes - it does in my opinion, it takes me out the equation, the relationship is over and I once I realised that it wasnt doing any good, thats when my moral obligation kicked in to finish it in a utilitarian response.

The fact that I invested myself emotionally to such an extent, found it hard to cast her from my life; well that was my problem to deal with, not hers. Equally on the other side of the coin; I have no responsibility for whatever she chooses to do or what becomes of her. For what its worth, in the aftermath of it all, I couldnt even have the luxury of even giving that much of any thought. The enabler/rescuer/caretaker toil eventually becomes exhaustative - I found my limitations and was forced to turn inward to become selfish.

Not only is it honest to come to that conclusion Lostinthedesert, for myself at least it is a revelation that makes detachment easier. its hard to argue to stay with someone you love if you come to the belief that it is doing more harm than good, for both sides. Where ive built up emotional strength in this recovery phase, is to appreciate that I should have left when it became intolerable purely on my side. I wont ever allow myself to be treated by anyone like that again - mental disorder or not - I forget or over-estimated "number 1" in the midst of it all to be able to cope with it and paid a hefty price. Self forgiveness is key; I didnt have a clue what I was getting myself into, id hazard a guess not many of anyone of us did either.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2018, 06:10:18 PM »

I would agree.

A. Growing up often times we believe in "fairy tale love". "Love at first sight" "love conquers all"

B. Then while with my BPD it was all about how much she loved me. And she would admit things haven't been perfect , but we love each other so much, and she promised "the best is yet to come"


Hi Husband hope your doing well.

I always recall the words you put forward here from your therapist, along the lines of; you could have given her anything she would ever dreamed of, it still wouldnt have been enough.

Its interesting choice of words though "[not] perfect" and "best" - ie, all or nothing, black/white, binary thinking.

The only thing that is in sync with fairy tale love is the fairy tale tragedy that goes with it. Even if my ex wouldnt have done the cheating, lies and other catalogue of antics to sabotage the relationship - the second I would not longer be idolised as "the best" or that fairy book white knight that can cure all ills, wipe out all the pain from the past and craft a "perfect" future - I became, well, scum basically... .
Logged
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2018, 06:48:26 PM »

Hi Husband hope your doing well.

I always recall the words you put forward here from your therapist, along the lines of; you could have given her anything she would ever dreamed of, it still wouldnt have been enough.



Exactly... .And the last part to that sentence that really made sense to me was "Because she will wake up the next day wanting something totally opposite of what she wanted the day before"

I am doing well... I came to check out the board as I heard some news about her. (Moved to different states 2 more times, 2 different engagements, she ghosted both but is now pregnant)

Makes me enjoy everyday that much more knowing that I have my freedom and am not tied to that cycle of insanity.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2018, 08:19:38 PM »

Hi Cromwell. Good topic.

That is an enmeshment which strikes more to my own personal values becoming conflicted than it does to the rational side of not being to blame for my ex's predicament.

Did this manifest for you over time while leading to the break up, or is this a realization after the fact? For me, it was a realization after the fact. I wasn’t able to see and process what was going on in real time. A side affect of narcissistic abuse.

The experience made me also question just how emotionally vulnerable I was to have been able to have done so in the first place.

I’m beginning to conclude that I was desperate for love when I committed to S3’s mother. She poured it on thick. I accepted it. Without going into inappropriate detail, I believe that she also got pregnant on purpose. Having my Son, I’m glad that she might have, but the manipulation lingers.

Regardless of what was what, we loved these individuals with everything we had. Doing so caused a lot of pain. For all involved.

In my estimation, it’s a good thing to be emotionally vulnerable. We just have to take great care in who gets to see that part of us. Patience is a virtue.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2018, 12:02:19 PM »

Hi Husband hope your doing well.

I always recall the words you put forward here from your therapist, along the lines of; you could have given her anything she would ever dreamed of, it still wouldnt have been enough.

Its interesting choice of words though "[not] perfect" and "best" - ie, all or nothing, black/white, binary thinking.

The only thing that is in sync with fairy tale love is the fairy tale tragedy that goes with it. Even if my ex wouldnt have done the cheating, lies and other catalogue of antics to sabotage the relationship - the second I would not longer be idolised as "the best" or that fairy book white knight that can cure all ills, wipe out all the pain from the past and craft a "perfect" future - I became, well, scum basically... .

To put it into more perspective, many of these female BPD or bipolar types do it to their own children. I'm sure the men so also, but that's a different topic.

They will just take off, meet another man, raise his kids, and totally forget their own. (For a period of time, sometimes they totally neglect them)

So if they can't form a bond with their own child in many cases, we are foolish to think that they will form a bond with us.

Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2018, 09:13:28 PM »

In my estimation, it’s a good thing to be emotionally vulnerable. We just have to take great care in who gets to see that part of us. Patience is a virtue.

its going to be a tricky one for me JNChell, looking back, ive always been emotioanlly vulnerable - its just that I got away with it. I had partners who never used it to their advantage.

Many people talk about becoming jaded - im pleased that I havent, but "changed" - absolutely, and in some ways it is a forced sort of maturity that maybe I had delayed, and this had to catalyse its development.

I can see myself being vulnerable again, but with the difference of having a clear eye on the exit door and not throwing caution recklessly to the side. I see it as a good thing, I had the storytale romance turn tragedy - I survived - im happy to look forward to something less melodramatic. Patience is indeed a virtue and just like how I enjoy to saviour a quality dinner slowly - this was a relationship that was wolfed down too ravenously - there was nothing attractive about it, in hindsight despite if feeling pleasurable at the time.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2018, 09:16:59 PM »

Did this manifest for you over time while leading to the break up, or is this a realization after the fact? For me, it was a realization after the fact. I wasn’t able to see and process what was going on in real time. A side affect of narcissistic abuse.
[/quote]

After the fact, and I think one of the most painful revelations that took me a very long time to make - very painful - was to from a clearer mindset ever consider that what she did relates to narcissism. It is not easy to feel I had fallen for - that - type of person, at the same time, it invokes a great sense of pity too - I equally knew "the other" side that was varnished by all that unhealthy defence mechanisms.

Ive always been a "soft touch" for my enemies JNChell, 
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2018, 09:27:19 PM »

To put it into more perspective, many of these female BPD or bipolar types do it to their own children. I'm sure the men so also, but that's a different topic.

They will just take off, meet another man, raise his kids, and totally forget their own. (For a period of time, sometimes they totally neglect them)

So if they can't form a bond with their own child in many cases, we are foolish to think that they will form a bond with us.

Yes and that should help a lot of people who feel a form of possessive jealousy/ego hitting for when the perceived "preferred" replacement comes along.
Logged
Husband321
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 370


« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2018, 08:22:00 AM »

After a while, after it has all passed,I liken the feeling towards those who overcame a potentially fatal disease.  Or debilitating accident. Each day is a bit brighter and more valuable.  Looking back, being with her, I was playing with fire and escaped.

So many horrible things could have happened, that do happen to many men.

A. Some fake charge again.  I end up in jail and lose my car, home, business.

B. Get her pregnant and either raise a kid alone, or pay her to raise my kid with her replacements for 18 years. .

C. Some sort of std

D. Her flipping out and killing me.

E. A long term illness from dealing with her daily stress, potential cheating




Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!