Court next week

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have the penultimate court hearing next week.

I've had 7 allegations from ex in 10 months including the police, CPS, school and my employer. And 17 in the last 4 years. And these are just the ones I know about. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Our son will change schools soon. Today my ex asked me to visit schools with her the day before the court hearing. I am lost for words.

My legal bills are destroying me. I am in the process of changing jobs, as we have the same employer. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist for PTSD and depression.

I appreciate this is a familiar story.

[SES]

I have the penultimate court hearing next week.

I've had 7 allegations from ex in 10 months including the police, CPS, school and my employer. And 17 in the last 4 years. And these are just the ones I know about. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Our son will change schools soon. Today my ex asked me to visit schools with her the day before the court hearing. I am lost for words.

My legal bills are destroying me. I am in the process of changing jobs, as we have the same employer. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist for PTSD and depression.

I appreciate this is a familiar story.

[ForeverDad]

She sounds like a vexatious litigant.  Whether your court cares, I don't know.  I think that is the terminology from California.  Unfortunately only a few people there have been Gifted with that court decision.  At the very least she ought to have lost some default credibility mothers usually get.

The court will not be too perturbed by all she's done, not if you don't make it an issue.  For the professionals, it's another day at work, for you it's your life and parenting.

Can you ask the court for her to pay your legal fees for all the repeated "unfounded", "unsubstantiated" and eventually closed cases?  You may not get anything for past allegations, but at least try for future allegations.  Remember, if you don't ask, you won't get.  If you do ask, you might get, if not now, then the next time or one of the times after that.  Don't ask for "court costs", they're usually not that much, the huge bills are legal fees.

I notice you're not in the USA.  I don't know how things are handled across the pond, but be prepared... .print out your list of each and every allegation she's made, to whom, when and what the eventual resolution was.  (Bring a couple spare copies in case judge and other parent are required to have copies made available.)  At the least try to get "on the record" about all those failed allegations, most family courts seem to try to avoid getting negative stuff on the record, apparently so one parent doesn't look better or worse than the other.  The court wants conflict to fade, not be fanned into bigger flames.  But after all this time the court needs to accept documentation of her many attempts to sabotage your parenting and finances too.

Hasn't the school year already started? What is triggering the change?  And why are there multiple schools to choose from?  Isn't the residence in just one school's area?  Or is it between your area and hers?

Oh... .is it timed just before the hearing so she can claim to be cooperating with you?

Does one parent (which?) select a school or do both have to agree?

And while you're in court, is there anything you can present to the court as a solution to one or more other current problems?  Present yourself as the problem solver, not the problem.

[Panda39]

Our son will change schools soon. Today my ex asked me to visit schools with her the day before the court hearing. I am lost for words.

Wow... .just wow... .Do you have this in writing?  You're so horrible and abusive but she wants you to go check out schools?  She's either completely oblivious of her behavior or she's laying some kind of trap... .I'm a suspicious Panda, I hope you said no.

I'm glad you decided to check in it's been awhile, I can hear the weight of all of this on you. 
I swear this stuff is like the TV Show Survivor's motto... .Outwit, outplay, outlast  

The reason you are leaving your job sucks, but I think separating yourself from her is a good idea, less contact/interaction with her the better.

I know that the last time you checked in here her false allegations were not being believed by anyone is that still the case?   

My legal bills are destroying me. I'm in the process of changing jobs, as we have the same employer. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist for PTSD and depression.

 

             
I'm sorry to hear about the PTSD and depression, not surprising given your situation.  I'm glad you are seeing someone. 

How are things going with your kids?  Are you seeing them consistently? 

Panda39

[BuckeyHusband]

Best of luck, and know you're not the only one. My soon to be ex wife has made over 7 serious verbal accusations of child sex abuse, as well as two false reports to the police. I'm currently waiting for the latest case to close - hopefully prior to our final court hearing.

I get it. It's easy for her to throw up a roadblock with the attorneys which quickly rack up thousands in fees to you. One "no" or unreasonable request on her end is nothing. You have my sympathy.

My wife does the same thing. She is completely unreasonable 99% of the time, until right before a 3rd party gets involved. At that point she'll do something random to show she's cooperating. "Well I asked him his thoughts on the new x" - but fail to mention she had been falsely accusing you of who knows what for weeks prior, and refusing visitation.


Godspeed! You aren't alone.


Buckeye
BTW, have you read "Splitting" yet? It was really helpful in prepping me for her high conflict style.

[Panda39]

  SES,

Just wanted to check in on you, you didn't mention what day the hearing was but since it's mid-week I thought I'd touch base.

Thinking of you,
Panda39

[Mutt]

Hi SES,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t have advice for you legal wise as Panda39 mentioned are you keeping track k of this by email, text, voice recorder? It’s a good idea that you switched jobs it’s probably a hard pill to swallow that you have to be the one that concedes. I think that your emotional well-being trumps all and changing work places is worth the sacrifice. How did court go? Hang in there.

[Navysndfirey]

Court always hurts I’ve got mine coming up November 21st

[SES]

She wasn't willing to settle out of court, so there is a a three day hearing in four weeks.

She list her job.  She was a DV specialist despite having a DV (against me) police caution. She blames me for losing her job, but refuses to provide her dismissal letter. She wanted the judge to order our employer to share information- judge declined, she then shouted that she had lost her job due to me.

She announced that she wants to move to a different part of the country as property is expensive where we live.  Hence, she wants kids to live with her.

I am looking forward to moving jobs. It is also a promotion, which is great. Unfortunately I am not looking forward to her finding out. The last promotion I got she referred me to CPS.

Thanks for checking in on me.

[Panda39]

She wasn't willing to settle out of court, so there is a a three day hearing in four weeks.

Of course not  that would involve cooperation... .not really surprising either. 

She lost her job.  She was a DV specialist despite having a DV (against me) police caution. She blames me for losing her job, but refuses to provide her dismissal letter. She wanted the judge to order our employer to share information- judge declined, she then shouted that she had lost her job due to me.

My SO's ex was a Social Worker back when she could hold a job... .interesting the fields they choose for careers... .but I guess the same could be said for us... .lots of caretakers and sensitive creative types among us.

How did the judge react to her outburst?  Will you be before the same judge? 

I am looking forward to moving jobs. It is also a promotion, which is great. Unfortunately I am not looking forward to her finding out. The last promotion I got she referred me to CPS.

 that's her standard reaction... .triggered?... .call CPS 

I'm excited for you about the promotion and new job, don't let her rain on your parade. 

My SO has said of his ex that she could ruin a wet dream 

Panda39

[SES]

The final hearing is next week. If the judge is suitably persuaded there is a chance I might lose 50-50 and see my kids every other weekend. CPS have advised they are unable to provide a report in advance. They provided a court ordered report in January which said 50-50. But she doesn't agree and asked for an addendum.  Fair to say the stress is building.

[ForeverDad]

Sorry to hear about your stress.  Just do your reasonable best.  No one should demand more than that.

The court has an agency's recommendation.  That means a lot, probably more than your ex's insistence otherwise.  If you currently have 50-50 then a court will usually not change "what is" unless there is real basis for a change.  Of course, you still need to be prepared to object and disprove whatever allegations she has made or will make.

In general, CPS has a relatively high bar to recommend a change... .substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  Generally court ignores allegations from years in the past and often limits itself to six months prior to when the current action began.

Do you have any indication CPS will appear in court with an update to their recommendation or testify?

Whatever happens, you have a right (and obligation to your children) to stand up for yourself as father.  Let the court see you are the parent with practical solutions.  Likely she will be endlessly complaining yet with no other 'solution' than for you to be relegated to the sidelines.

[Panda39]

Hi SES,

What he (ForeverDad) said!

Hang in there, I know the stress is miserable having decisions in the hands of someone else is incredibly hard.

These things are hard lessons in patience.  Have you done all that you know to do? Then you just bite the bullet and head to court.

Thinking of you 
Panda39

[livednlearned]

SES, you have really been hit with the CPS gloves, round after round.

My case had a similar never-ending feeling to it -- enough that the judge issued a gatekeeping order to prevent my ex from dragging me to court (which didn't work).

It is legal abuse.

I hope that the courts don't participate in making it worse and that you get some kind of reprieve from this.

And I hope one day it ends.

How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself?

[Waddams]

I know it's hard.  Hang in there, though. 

I will ask this though - has your lawyer made any kind of counter claim against your ex?  All this really is abuse using the legal system, CPS, the administrative arm of your employer, etc.  I would think a lawyer could make a counterclaim detailing the false allegations, document no evidence found in response to any of them, etc. Then reveal your diagnosis from your therapist, show the costs and mental impacts this is having on you.

Then roll it into a counter claim for her to compensate you legal expenses incurred as a result of all her fabrications, as well as even a claim for full custody, a gate keeping order like LnL described, etc.  She's using the kids as a weapon against you, it's not good for the kids, and while the kid's best interest come first, you also are worth some consideration in this whole thing. 

Make the argument that to get her to stop abusing you, she needs to experience negative consequences of her conduct. Even if the judge doesn't order anything, you get it all on record.  You can start to build a pattern of documentation with the court.  That pattern can be useful in future cases.

And if nothing else, you'll be standing up for yourself and fighting back.  That could mean a lot just for your own peace of mind.

[SES]

Thanks everyone, it is much appreciated. Fair to say I'm in survival mode in terms of stress levels.

Yes, my barrister presented that ex was waging a campaign against me, and he presented the 16+allegations in four years that I am aware of. It is likely just the tip of the iceberg.

[SES]

Another thing to come up at the last hearing was that she announced she wants to move as we live in an expensive city, and she can't afford a bigger property. She had a baby with her affair partner, and currently lives in a two bed flat, with the dinning room converted to an additional bedroom. In the flat is her, her boyfriend, our s10 and d8, and their S1. Plus two cats and a lizard.

Lawyer advised that even if she gets majority time, she will still have to go back to court to change where the kids live.