More strange (unsolicited) emails from the ex who demanded NC. Oy.

[BasementDweller]

You all may remember this thread from 11 days ago: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329084.0

Prior to that message was a strange out of the blue contact asking me if I wanted some old baking ingredients from the house we had shared.

Last contact (Sept. 11) was accusatory and confrontational, as shown in the linked thread. I gave a neutral "gray rock" response to which he did not answer.

Last night, I received this:
"Say, have you found yourself a new man yet? I really hope you have. Or at least started dating someone."

Ok, this is the guy that after a long, drawn out dysregulation and brutal discard, demanded NC after I moved out. I have not tried to contact him. He has broken his own NC no less than 6-7 times, 2 of those have have been really weird. (The "I'm the victim" email from Sept. 11, and now this.)

I know that he is saying this because he wants to hurt my feelings and take a jab at me. "I miss you so little I HOPE you have a new boyfriend." PFFFFFT. Whatever, dude. It's both none of his business, and I will not give him the satisfaction of hurting me ever again with his barbs. He used to love to say to me when he was mad at me "Just go find yourself a better man then! You could go in any pub and replace me. Just go!"

He either:

1.) Wants to snoop in my business.
2.) Get under my skin by reminding me that he wants me to replace him.
3.) Has replaced me and wants me to ask about his own situation so he can brag about it. (If that's the case, I don't care and I wish that poor lady the best of luck. She's gonna need it.)
4.) He wants to know I am dating so he can justify the discard, and maybe even play the victim harder. "See! She never loved me! She's already with someone else."

FWIW, I was completely faithful to him until the very end. Never even glanced at another man. He was the most attractive man in the world to me when we were together. But a discard is a discard and he tossed me out like yesterday's trash. And now yes, I am seeing someone who is nice to me. Funny how that works.

Several possible responses entered my head.

1.) "Why would you ask me this?"
2.) "Were you drinking when you wrote this?" (Considering most of these mails come on weekends after 2100, I am guessing he may have been.)
3.) "Thank you for your interest in my well being. My focus right now is on my own self-improvement."

Since I do not want NC with him, do not think it is necessary, and also do not wish to give him the silent treatment (because I think it's rude) I did write back, while absolutely refusing to take the bait, or reveal anything about my personal life. I chose humor to diffuse an attempt to get under my skin, change the subject a bit, and avoid taking any kind of bait.

My response:

"Thank you for your concern.

There is this one guy called Torsten who shows up at my door on the regular, wanting to cuddle. I guess you could say it’s getting pretty serious between us. Handsome, isn’t he? ;-)"

(Here I inserted a picture of Torsten - the neighbor's cat.) This story is totally true, BTW. ;-)

No response yet. 

This is a bit special because he is allergic to cats (as well as dogs and many "fur" animals). One of his favorite BPD lash-outs was to accuse me of resenting him for his allergies, thinking he "hates animals" and hating him because he said I wanted pets but blamed him because I couldn't have them. He used to say "I'm a poor substitute for the cat or dog you WISH you had! You'd rather have a pet than me!" (I never said anything of the sort, nor did I ever resent him for having allergies.)

So yeah. Now I snuggle up with the neighbor's cat. My secret's out. ;-)

[Harley Quinn]

Hi BD,

I'm glad you're posting about your process as you receive these communications from your ex.  That's very wise.   

It can be so easy to be thrown by the random messages (which are stemming from the emotion of the moment) out of the blue without any context.  Your choice to not divulge any personal information was a sensible one.  If you wish to maintain some level of contact, then sticking to this is a good plan as it's a healthy boundary which protects you emotionally.

Since I do not want NC with him, do not think it is necessary, and also do not wish to give him the silent treatment (because I think it's rude) I did write back, while absolutely refusing to take the bait, or reveal anything about my personal life. I chose humor to diffuse an attempt to get under my skin, change the subject a bit, and avoid taking any kind of bait.

I love your humorous lighthearted reply.  I'm a cat cuddler too   Do you think he will react strongly to the perceived fact that this 'proves he was right' about your wanting a furry friend more than him?  You may have further dysregulation to deal with.  Should that happen, how do you plan to handle it the best way for yourself?

I want to share something that my counsellor pointed out to me which was really helpful.  I had a tendency to respond to anything my son's father sent to me (and there was often emotion attached to my reason for doing so, as he knew which buttons to push and would really get to me).  She pointed out that sometimes no response is a response in itself.  If you're asked a personal question which makes you feel uncomfortable, presented with an unreasonable demand or something abusive it is OK to choose not to reply.  He will get the message that this is not appropriate and will hopefully learn to not go there.  It's worth bearing in mind. 

I find it easier to keep myself emotionally safe now when I would otherwise become upset or frustrated by being provoked.  As a result, our communication overall is far healthier, more direct, only about our son, and lo and behold, I feel much calmer, more balanced and this year, for the first time in many years am unaffected by him.  It's a very freeing feeling. 

Out of interest BD, what do you envisage your level of contact being going forward?  I'm wondering what reasons you have for remaining in touch.  I know after many breakups there are attempts to remain friends.  Your breakup doesn't sound like that type of amicable mutually agreeable situation that one might imagine would lead to that continued dialogue on those terms.  Are there practical things that need to be discussed with one another?  Just for my understanding.

Love and light x   

[BasementDweller]

Hi, HQ! 

Thank you for your reply. I do suppose it might irk him a bit that I'm cuddling he neighbor's cat, and reinforce his beliefs about how I preferred animals to him... .but at the same time, I can't do much about that. The cat comes to my door, and I like animals. So of course, I'm happy to let him in. If my ex wants to dysregulate over me petting a cat three months after he booted me out... .well, so be it. I can't cater to that type of insanity. I'm gonna pet the damn cat!   

The reason I have no problem keeping in contact with him is because I actually DO very much like him as a person most of the time. (And yes, there are still a lot of practical things to finalize around our shared property and things I still have over there.)

In the end he was NOT a good partner. But he can be a really likable person. He is funny, smart, and has a great sense of humor. I wish I had met him as a friend rather than a lover, sometimes. I think we would still be getting on well. When the romance drama wasn't happening, we had a hell of a lot of fun just hanging out together.

I definitely agree that if he writes to me or contacts me with emotionally charged or accusatory/rude emails, I'll either gray rock or say nothing at all. His previous message before this one was a bit hostile, and I gave a bland response which invited no further dialog on that topic.

This one? About my "new man" - while odd, wasn't that offensive to me. If he had said "Are you out whoring around yet?" or something like that... .I would have just stone cold ignored it. But this was pretty benign. So I chose to use humor to let him know, "I haven't discarded you as a person, you can still talk to me. I have no grudge" and "Any taunts you might intend will not have the desired effect."

My rationale here? With the response about that cat? I responded to him the same way I would any other friend whom I liked who asked me "So... .are you dating?"... .As if we had no bad past at all. Because I don't want to dwell there. One of the things we remind ourselves of a lot here on this site is that we can't control the thoughts, actions, or feelings of our pwBPD - but we can control our own. I chose to take what might have been an attempt on his part to engage in a negative way, and turned it into how I would reply to anybody, BPD or not. With a little humor and patience. Eventually, he will either resort back to "normal" communications (because he IS capable of it when he chooses) or stop talking to me altogether. If he chooses the latter, I have to live with that. It's what I was expecting anyway. So I guess I have no real goal in responding other than to be true to myself. Today I felt like being funny, and hoping to diffuse any further prying on his part.

[Harley Quinn]

Sounds to me like you're approaching this from a rational place BD, thinking before you respond and being true to your values, which is really admirable.  You're choosing the path of peace and showing him how you'd like the r/s to be, which is a great example to set.  I sometimes think of my S4 and his behaviour when he is frustrated.  It could be so easy to go to the same level with him (and I see some parents do this without thinking), however my role is to be the adult, the parent, and to take the lead.  It's very much the same thing when we relate to anyone emotionally sensitive.  You're doing great BD.  Keep us posted on how things go. 

Love and light x

[BasementDweller]

I like your analogy about parenting the 4 year old child. This is often what it felt like when he would throw tantrums and react like a child... .yes he is a grown man, but emotionally, he's in arrested development, and that was something I had trouble with. Now, I get it, I just wish I had understood it sooner and knew how to handle it then. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble.

Being able to use those tools post break-up is going a long way in diffusing any further conflicts, I think. Better late than never, I suppose. 

[Mutt]

Hi BasementDweller,

I like your humorous response to him too   I think that he was trying to probe you to see if there’s someone else in the picture and you handled yourself well.

[Turkish]

He either:

1.) Wants to snoop in my business.
2.) Get under my skin by reminding me that he wants me to replace him.
4.) He wants to know I am dating so he can justify the discard, and maybe even play the victim harder. "See! She never loved me! She's already with someone else."

A pwBPD at their core feels inherently worthless and unworthy of love.  

If you're truly detaching,  validating that,  which is likely start he wants,  interferes with moving on,  though the cat thing is funny, even if it might invite me contact.  

[BasementDweller]

Hi BasementDweller,

I like your humorous response to him too   I think that he was trying to probe you to see if there’s someone else in the picture and you handled yourself well.

Thanks, Mutt! There was a time when I would have responded a bit more personally/emotionally to this kind of thing, and he grew to expect that. Back when I was trying to save the relationship, he would often say, (when he was upset) that I should just go find a better/more compatible/more suitable/nicer/smarter man. I loved him the way he was, and wanted him, but he never believed me. In the end, as so many pwBPD do, he drove me away with constant attempts to sabotage the relationship and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sad really.

A pwBPD at their core feels inherently worthless and unworthy of love. 

If you're truly detaching,  validating that,  which is likely start he wants,  interferes with moving on,  though the cat thing is funny, even if it might invite me contact. 

Yes, this sadly was a constant theme in the relationship, made more complicated by the fact that me actually loving him made him resentful and un-trusting toward me, and he blamed me for the bad feelings about himself that he had always carried around with him. I think he might feel an odd "relief" if I met someone else. (Which I have, but I see no good in divulging that... .) Then he could feel a bit less guilty about the discard and say "See, I knew it all along." I won't have that conversation with him, though. He's unpredictable and still acting out a bit, so what may start out as an odd type of "relief" or "satisfaction" on his part, might quickly turn to anger. I just can't ever be sure with him. The less he knows at this point, the better.

I figure right now, humor and a subtle deflection away from a sensitive topic, is the best course of action. I don't mind if he contacts me, but if he is wanting to stir the pot a bit, I'm going to nip that in the bud, and not take the bait. No good will come of discussing anything sensitive with him at all. 

[Cromwell]

Hi BasementDweller

i start to read posts like this and it gives a visual image of an umbilical cord that never gets severed.

What about your life, moving on, not having to account for what you are doing or deploy almost negotiating skills to appease him?

I know you know the answers to all that yourself, im just typing to you with a sense of shared frustration at it all. When you say you "dont mind" he contacts you though, im just wondering if that extends to "preferring" he wouldnt, or if there is part of you that gets any comfort from hearing from him? I know from past posts you felt a degree of concern about his mental state and how he got depressed etc. Is this a link based on still caring.concern about his predicament and a way to guage his current position?

[BasementDweller]

Hi BasementDweller

What about your life, moving on, not having to account for what you are doing or deploy almost negotiating skills to appease him?

Yo, Cromwell! 

I see your point and no worries, I am absolutely moving on and living my life (and even enjoying it again... .) I don't see his occasional weird emails (usually less than one a week) as anything too strenuous on my part. I definitely don't feel like I have to account for anything, hence my somewhat absurd and not very serious response to the last message. Considering that my job entails answering about 1,000 asinine and annoying emails a day, his occasional offerings just sort of go in the cue like the rest of them.

I know you know the answers to all that yourself, im just typing to you with a sense of shared frustration at it all. When you say you "dont mind" he contacts you though, im just wondering if that extends to "preferring" he wouldnt, or if there is part of you that gets any comfort from hearing from him?

There is a part of me that is comforted knowing that he is alive and well enough to write a few emails, vs. dead in a ditch from drunk or reckless driving. He has a few self destructive traits, and while there's nothing I can really do about that anymore - I guess knowing he's in one piece is a comfort of sorts. Since his mails seem to run the gamut from random/non-offensive to mildly antagonistic, to somewhat confrontational (but in a wounded child kind of way)... .it's manageable. Mainly, because if I don't bite back, he lays off. If he were being threatening or extremely aggressive, that would be a different story. Part of me thinks he is just sending out feelers to see where I am at.

I know from past posts you felt a degree of concern about his mental state and how he got depressed etc. Is this a link based on still caring.concern about his predicament and a way to guage his current position?

Yes, there is an element of that for sure. I do worry about him. Just because we can't be partners and I can't live with him the way he is now, doesn't mean I don't care about him and his well being. Since he is breaking his own NC rule to reach out, and not always in an outwardly rude way, I figure if I just do what I should have done during the course of our relationship - not react, not feed the flames, not be emotional, not JADE or anything at all - just a "gray rock/medium chill" kind of thing... .then eventually he may tire out and do the same. Hard to say. My goal if at all possible is a civil co-existence where we can be something akin to friends. If that's not possible, civil LC will do. I hold no grudge against him.

[Cromwell]

Hey basement

the thing that strikes me though is - i still detect a form of control he exerts over your life, even via distance. It gets to me every time he emails you and you have to take the time to analyse it, make sense of it - wouldnt you rather be getting on happily. I know you have a thick skin and dont let it get to you, resilient, but from my own point of view - I dont know if my ex is even still alive, its not that I dont have some care about her, but its moved away from being personalised towards her being just another human on this planet who i extend a general sense of not wishing any harm towards. but thats about it.

when you say you think he is just putting feelers out, id go with that, but id also wonder how much of it is "forget-me-not BD" rooted in the lack of letting you go on with your day without having to think about him. if theres one thing I found that helped me to get better, was ive shown by my actions that I wont give her a single second of my time, shes in the naughty corner permanently, believe me this is a big contrast to the way I treated her, was at her beck and call 24/7, gave her that fuel that she eventually turned against me.

im a soft hearted person BD, but it is a huge vulnerability that can get mined by the wrong person - disorder or not - it makes no difference. The only solution was to harden myself up and its not been as hard as I thought; im indifferent to her plight because I made it no longer any of my business. I want to enjoy my life and that had to involve removing anything that unsettled it.

each time he emails you, can you really equate and reduce it to getting say, a cold-sell telephone marketer or equivalent? I dont think so, the emotion is there, the history is there, he is not letting you get peace of mind. Your new life and relationships are none of his business, the quicker he gets this I believe the better it is for him. Otherwise, how long will this go on for, you are cooking a nice meal, entertaining friends, having a good time - and one evening he is drunk at your door saying "Basement... .please answer, its reallly important"

I shut her out my life completely for that purpose, she changed in my mind to becoming the equivalent of a pest that wasnt anymore giving me any good company, sex, (love never existed anyway) but with all the wdisadvantage of still never letting go, the more I tried the more she fantasised, its not about us - its about surveying our life in what "replacements" we have instead of them, it hurts their ego to see us move on. It just gives me the creeps, even though it took awhile to feel that way and recognise it, its still a way of pseudo-controlling someone from a distance, I guess I see it from an unemotionally involved perspective - the whole tone you describe of him is trying to control, the phraseology, the little demands in his emails of "reply within an hour, keep it short or I wont read it" blah blah.

I guess it just triggers me I get a sort of "shiver" feeling from it. The type of behaviour is intrusive and gives me the creeps. My ex burned the bridge entirely when that feeling came to me just shortly before what I feel now, almost complete indifference. It helped though.

the counter argument is to be expected "oh well, its because they have a disorder" - undeniable and fair point, but lets try not to enable it anymore and I look up to you for not responding and keeping a clear head, these time span "demands" he put in are subtle, its his grasp for power and influence of another, you respond to it is a validation he still has control that when he says jump, you are conditioned to "how high".

pretty amazing when in the big picture, the relationship was supposed to have been "ended".

[BasementDweller]

Hi there, Crom! 

I see your points, and I totally understand where you are coming from. I think I might see my ex in at least a somewhat different light than you see yours, perhaps. I really don't find him creepy or bothersome (largely, he isn't) and I do still feel some tenderness toward him. I mean, really, I do still love him even if we failed as a couple. I think you said that in the end, you broke up with your ex? My situation is different. I didn't want things to end. I wanted to work on things, but he went way down the dissociative rabbit hole and basically, vanished. His discard was totally insane, and it hit me like a freight train. Once the dust cleared, I was like "What the heck just happened to my life and the man I loved? What happened to my family unit and my home?"

While that might sound horrible to many (and it was) - if he had said to me in a rational way "I am haing some reservations about our arrangement. I am not sure if I still feel like it's working and maybe we should take some time apart to work on things and see where we are at... ." I'd have gone along with that even if I really didn't want to. Well... .he kinda DID do that. Just in the batsh!t-crazy, panicky, over the top, catastrophic way that pwBPD do. If he were a non, I'd stay in touch with him. Keep in mind - I didn't want our relationship to end. He did, or so he said/felt at the time.

At this point, his communications are relatively few and far between, and not terribly intrusive to me - or at least by my standards. I guess it's really no skin off my back to answer when I feel like answering and I do sometimes wait a day. I answer if/when/how I feel like it. I don't see it as a "jump" + "how high" situation, because it doesn't feel that way to me. I choose to answer. I want to talk to him. If he's being dysfunctional/rude, he won't get much out of me. When he contacts me with a normal tone... .I have no problem talking to him.

He is keeping it to email, and I'd literally crap my pants if he showed up drunk at my door. Even at his worst, and contrary to most BPD's he never stalked or really smothered me, especially not toward the end when he began to fear engulfment. He did the opposite and pushed me away. That said, if he DID show up drunk at my door during a dinner party, I'd welcome him in and say "Hey everyone, here's my drunk ex that discarded me!" That would teach him real quick not to do that again - he hates looking bad in front of other people. 

FWIW - I have gotten on with my day, and I am doing pretty fine. But I don't actually want to forget him. He was an important part of my life, and despite his disorder, I do love him as a human being even if he is incapable of being a reliable and consistent partner. I can fully understand the concept of wanting to go NC, refusing to answer him, if I wanted him out of my life for good. But I actually don't. In many ways he was my best friend. I feel like us trying to have a relationship ruined that. If I could have my friend back, I'd gladly have that.

And no, I definitely don't reduce his contacts to the equivalent of a telemarketer's call. Of course the emotion and history are there. That's why I want to answer him. I do actually care about him. The telemarketers can take a hike, however. They really do get no response. ;-)

When he tries to be controlling (because yes, that still happens on occasion) I will still answer when I want to, and if I want to. He can do or say whatever he wants. I can choose how and if to respond. Also, he seems to have dropped the "Respond in one hour, you are only unblocked for that long" etc... .At least for now. 

I guess in a nutshell... .he's not really getting to me. If he were, I'd change something up. TBH, I am relishing the opportunity to do gray rock/medium chill and see how it actually works in a "real world application". I never knew or mastered these tools when I was living with him. May as well try them out now when he sends bizarre correspondences meant to antagonize. ;-)

[Cromwell]

I feel better reading that BD

actually a big correlation from you coming to these boards and really getting better, a lot of how you show you cope with this has been inspiring.

especially ive had a few trigger infested days, for some reason I manage to curtail my own personality of "calling them out", because when I do it is devoid of any concern about "losing face" socially, ive got not ego when it comes to it. but, yea, a bit of self control and I just avoid like the plague, maybe the lesson learned from my ex has been valuable, im a confronter by nature but in terms of dealing with disordered people, its an invitation to a long battle ahead once you peel off their false face. Its interesting when you say how embarassed he would get in front of others.

 thats how I felt 2.5years with my ex, and part of it was a theme of control; they need to control a relationship, to leave is the threat of losing it. It wasnt about love.

I know you say you didnt want the relationship to end. but by virtue of him still having this contact, how would you define this, "a new relationship" or a continuance of the old one (ie, it never did actually end) or am I on the wrong track and its simply just keeping tabs. I guess a lot is down to me not having a policy of ever keeping in contact with my exes and finding it hard to relate to others who I see do. I just never felt I got any value or personal happiness from it.

gah, BD, i feel the urge to bake something - your quips like "stir the pot"  last night I wanted to but I had to go and lie down, its strange to have so much energy, im health, fit, just in my mid30s, but when I get close to these anxiety triggers, I feel like they are energy leeches. its quite some imagery i have to confront these days. look into some of their eyes and its like "predator" has seen prey. hollow, lifeless, scary and maybe they just preparing for Halloween night a bit early and im completely wrong about it all.

[BasementDweller]

I know you say you didnt want the relationship to end. but by virtue of him still having this contact, how would you define this, "a new relationship" or a continuance of the old one (ie, it never did actually end) or am I on the wrong track and its simply just keeping tabs. I guess a lot is down to me not having a policy of ever keeping in contact with my exes and finding it hard to relate to others who I see do. I just never felt I got any value or personal happiness from it.

I would definitely say the relationship is well over, and this is more of an acquaintance now. His emails are about 1-2 weeks apart, and since they tend to come later in the evening, on weekends, and on even numbered weeks (when his kids are NOT there) my intuition, and knowing him as I do, tells me these mails might be triggered by ETOH induced rumination. Just a hunch. 

Maybe not every single one of them... .but at least the last few. I take it with a grain of salt.

Interestingly enough, but not surprising, he has completely cut off all contact from every one of his exes. (With the exception of his kids' mother, but that's unavoidable.) He has discarded all of them (except a few whom I think left him because they got tired of his nonsense - but he would never talk about them) but either way, he has zero contact with any of them. I always found it chilling that he could do that, because I don't have a single ex that I am not friends with to this day - even people I dated in my TEENS. I haven't a drop of bad blood with a single ex, and would feel zero discomfort sitting to have a beer with a single one of them. Even him. In fact, I can't imagine cutting off anyone I once loved, unless they tried to murder me or something. Even my BPD ex's behavior is forgivable in my book. But I guess with the exception of some BPD related drama with him, I had no bad or unhealthy experiences with any of the others... .so there's no reason not to be ok with them.

He has had zero contact with any ex besides the kids' mom... .not a peep. As if they dropped off the face of the earth.

Yet he still contacts me. Should I feel special? 

gah, BD, i feel the urge to bake something - your quips like "stir the pot"  last night I wanted to but I had to go and lie down, its strange to have so much energy, im health, fit, just in my mid30s, but when I get close to these anxiety triggers, I feel like they are energy leeches. its quite some imagery i have to confront these days. look into some of their eyes and its like "predator" has seen prey. hollow, lifeless, scary and maybe they just preparing for Halloween night a bit early and im completely wrong about it all.

Oy, this sounds horrible. But I say DOO IT! Bake. Cook. Get back in touch with your inner chef! Maybe even invite a few folks over. Feeding other people to the point of gastric rupture has always been very therapeutic to me.

[Panda39]

My SO just got a "Happy Birthday" from his uBPDxw of 8 years. (miss the barfy emoji some times  )

This is the woman who was high conflict during the 2 year divorce, who attempted parental alienation, who made false allegations of abuse, who abused her children to the point one is no contact the other low contact etc... .

I know you are coming out of a relationship so it may be a little different since you are closer to that relationship, but I often feel like these types of contacts are just a way for the pwBPD to insert themselves into your life.

Hey, remember me!  Hey, I said something nice so now you have to be polite and respond to me!  Hey, engage with me... .Hey, let me test your boundary... .Hey, do you miss me?... .

Oh, the responses my SO had in his head (love your cat response, perfect on lots of levels)... .but no he just didn't respond.

Everyone's relationships are as individual as the people in them, I think you are doing a good job handling things the BasementDweller way.

Just be aware this kind of stuff, these messages could happen sporadically for quite awhile... .eight years and counting 

Panda39

[BasementDweller]

Oh, panda39... .yeah, that's no good. Especially with all the trouble she had caused. My ex was no angel in the end, but it wasn't *quite* as bad as that. He was bad, though. I can likely handle Happy Birthdays from him... .if It's not outright abusive, I can manage it, and if he wants to keep popping up to remind me that he still exists... .well it's not like I'll EVER forget that anyway. 

I couldn't resist the cat response. The fact that he popped up to ask me THAT after his last message... .just wow. The inconsistency and randomness boggles the mind. I guess he got absolutely none of what he was intending.

Typically, I use humor to deal with most things. When he used to get mad at me and want to berate me, he would tell me I had no sense of humor, and I was the only one that laughed at my jokes.

This is my little way of returning that compliment. ;-) If he wants to insult me, or attempt to rile me, he can have my sense of humor back in return - in spades! (Here's where I wish we had a grinning devil emoji.)

Who do we petition to get more emojis on here? 

[1stTimer]

Last night, I received this:
"Say, have you found yourself a new man yet? I really hope you have. Or at least started dating someone.

Hi Basement Dweller, handled well I think. A little humor to let him know it is none of his business and let him keep wondering.  I wonder however if you considered another option to the 4 you listed which, to me with my limited information on your background except what you included here, seems pretty likely:

5) He is actually concerned/interested in whether you replaced him or not. Possibly because he wants to reconnect possibly not. I don't say this to get your hopes up but you seem like you've moved on so wanted to put it out there as a likely alternative. He doesn't sound very mature and it is an immature man's way of asking if you are available or available to him.

I had an exBPD reach out recently and while the circumstances were different the immaturity of the well-crafted text struck me the same; why not just grow a pair and ask to meet instead of circling around and trying to protect yourself? like an adult? I don't know enough about your whole story but truly that to me seems like the likeliest reason for the text.  If I had to guess he'll find different ways or circling around the same question. Just be aware so you're not caught off guard since it seems like you are handling things so far with strength and aplomb.

Edit: after reading your link this fits right in with the NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO FIX ANYTHING which is an attempt to fix everything if I ever read one :|

[Cromwell]

What they hope for us is actually really what they hope for themselves.

its just him blabbering out his own inner narrative.

if he cant have the empathy to appreciate the hurt and upset he has caused, his words are built on the assumption that your in a well enough state to be looking for someone else.

when you reply to it, it helps validate this narrative build up that he hasnt behaved in a way that has done any damage. no responsibility.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, 1stTimer and Cromwell!

You both make good points, and knowing my ex, and how all over the map and "consistently inconsistent" he is... .he could actually be feeling both of those things at once or vacillating between the two. He frequently exhibited confusion and mixed feelings about a LOT of things.

To imagine him feeling both nostalgic and that he misses me AND relief over the thought of me finding someone else, thus assuaging his guilt/responsibility for his part in the failure of our relationship - is totally plausible. There is no doubt in my mind that the truth will hit him like a ton of bricks someday if it hasn't already: he discarded a damn good woman. He may never admit that this realization has sunk in, but I know it will. I was the first woman to co-habitate with him since he split from his ex-wife 12 years ago. I was the longest lasting one, and I kept the house in order, paid my share (and then some!), cooked for the family, and lovingly provided for his kids and treated them like family. My ex and I had a fantastic sex life and being that I have no children of my own by choice, he and his kids were my focus. He had a damn sweet arrangement, better than he ever had before, and up until the discard, he admitted that. Even in the end when he hated me, he still told me I was beautiful, and an amazing person and he really "wished it had worked". (It worked for me. Not for him, apparently. His choice. I was in it for life.)

So yeah... .I'm sure he'll feel a sense of loss, and when he eventually feels ready to enter the dating pool again, he's going to get a rude awakening when he sees what's left out there for an extremely difficult, stubborn, yet horribly picky middle-aged man to choose from.    His previous exes before me all had kids of their own, major baggage, exes still in the picture due to the kids, and a few of them were emotionally very needy and financially not entirely secure. I have none of those issues, and essentially am very low maintenance. He loved all that about me - until he forgot the value of it. I am considering setting my watch to see how long it takes him to remember. ;-)

That said, Cromwell is right in suggesting that he doesn't have the empathy required to see the hurt he has caused. At least not yet. He can be empathetic and even apologetic when he's regulated. I don't think he is yet, though. His previous email before the one checking to see if I am dating was a litany of complaints where he was the victim and I was the aggressor - with zero acknowledgement of his role in anything. In the past he has been able to admit at times that he messed up, and eat crow and say sorry for it. Not since the break-up. He is self-soothing by being the victim full-time and making it ALL my fault. He has regressed a lot since I moved out, which surprises me. I thought he'd be relieved.

He has a birthday coming up in a few weeks, and I am debating whether or not to mail a polite greeting card. This time last year, I was throwing a party for him that I put all my heart and soul into. He turned 50, and I pulled out all the stops, preparing really nice appetizers from scratch, decorating the house, baking a cake, and preparing a sit down dinner for 25 guests - with three main courses - beef, salmon, and vegetarian. The party went on all night, and in the end (after I fell asleep) - he started a row with his ex-wife's husband over decade old drama. (Hahaha. Glad I slept through that one, but I hear it was... .stunning... .as they were both drunk and belligerent, and needed to be pried apart by my ex's Histrionic PD sister who started yelling and screaming.)

All day and night his family and friends praised me for my wonderful cooking and hospitality and for having the patience of a saint to put up with him. They told me how wonderful I was and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Less than a year later, the whole crew was sold hook line and sinker into his distortion campaign and believed I was the abuser, the tormentor, and the "bad guy".

Uh, guys? Have ya met me? Yes. You have. And you damn well know better than that.

So yeah, part of me SO BADLY wants to send him a birthday card saying "Happy Birthday!" I hope you have a wonderful day!"

Because I know damn well no birthday he has from here on in will ever be as wonderful as the one I threw him last year.

But that would be petty of me, now wouldn't it? ;-)

[Cromwell]

Id put my money on that he has his regrets, for all the reasons you mentioned, also the recognition that its not going to be easy to find a "replacement" for want of a better word, but adjust it more appropiately BD.

So what is missing from his outwardly asking you back - the fear of rejection, the loss of face, your supposed to make this easy for him and pick up on the subtle hints. Im veering towards 1stTimer's perspective, it makes sense.

But so does the emotional volatility aspect of it all that you mentioned, maybe he felt that way when he sent the email, 30minutes later, a day later, who knows, you might just mentally be consigned to the scrap heap, then back again. Do you think his "discarding" you was a result of this? It seems to me like it makes sense. (an impulsive move on his part, with the underlying thought that he wouldnt really lose you for good).

My ex never discarded me, but I dont take any sort of value out of it - the opposite in fact - it means that she had me down as such a "sure thing", and that to her was very valuable - include in there, very resourceful. Going back to her for every recycle cemented it each time, what she never realised and neither did I - conciously - was that I want rid of her for years I just didnt know how to escape that emotional pain she set in, beyond waiting for her to "cure" it.

BD in regards to never talking to my exs - ive never had many relationships that ended bitterly or with huge drama, at the same time - I never "loved" many of them, it was easy going, fun, mutually respectful relationships that just fizzled out and it was time to move on, often it was because looking back, I felt that (to certain extent, but nothing near what it was like with my ex) I found myself selling myself short in some ways and wanted to move on, I didnt like "clingy" girlfriends and the majority were - and it made me unfortable. Cutting that tie felt liberating and it was easier for me than to have to go through all the phases of big explanations, or negotiating to go back because they never had the chance to there and then find someone else.

FWIW; my friends never liked me for this, but BD, results orientated, I never pined for an ex for more than a week, I never had to go to a board like this and deal with emotional upheavel, likewise my exs moved on and found other guys, there was no acrimony, I never really broke any ones heart and if I did, I didnt deserve to much guilt because I never reciprocated it beyond enjoying company and a good sexual chemistry. when did I take the "no we cant be lovers, nor friends" approach - when the bingo buzzwords of "marriage", "kids" or other related themes cropped up - it was the cardinal song that told me to move on. Maybe I learned it at the highly mature age of 19 when it first happened and it just became habitual from there, im glad I played it this way.

theres the theme; I did what I felt was right, and was never hurt. I also did not give the girls/women I was with false illussions or manufacture and lead on "dreams" that I never expected to materialise.

The fact I even entertained the idea of marrying my ex - AFTER - the hurt she caused that I would have discarded a woman for far less - shows to me that I simply was not in my right mind. I look back and realise I made myself vulnerable - via the circumstances i was in at the time, thereafter it became a toxic bond i couldnt escape from - nothing more nothing less. an emotional "Captive" is how I see myself in hindsight unable to find a way out of the mess I got myself into.

he "discarded" you, he controls the communication - when he feels the need to, he reaches out, he also doesnt expose himself to asking to be back in your life and give you the chance to turn him down. This is a guy who makes sure he will hold all the cards. Does he regret now the situation he is in that he has lost all that was good - highly likely - but theres not much creativity to find a way that will get you back under his thumb other than you playing along with the subtle hints. Does he care how you feel? Like my ex, I believe they do, but its transient, id expect a few minutes at most before it gets dumbed down - and a coping mechanism overides it - then its back to playing their favourite song

"woe is me"

and when i truly started to realise that it was all about her, always was, will always be. yep it was dream shattering, but that was the conduit/key to escaping it.

[BasementDweller]

Id put my money on that he has his regrets, for all the reasons you mentioned, also the recognition that its not going to be easy to find a "replacement" for want of a better word, but adjust it more appropiately BD.

So what is missing from his outwardly asking you back - the fear of rejection, the loss of face, your supposed to make this easy for him and pick up on the subtle hints. Im veering towards 1stTimer's perspective, it makes sense.

But so does the emotional volatility aspect of it all that you mentioned, maybe he felt that way when he sent the email, 30minutes later, a day later, who knows, you might just mentally be consigned to the scrap heap, then back again. Do you think his "discarding" you was a result of this? It seems to me like it makes sense. (an impulsive move on his part, with the underlying thought that he wouldnt really lose you for good).

I think this makes a lot of sense, and I'd go one further and say that in the end when he was raging at me daily, and I finally packed up and left, that he wasn't even thinking, and couldn't see past the end of his nose. He had no rational grasp on the gravity of what was happening other than he felt bad, and out of control, and he wanted whatever was making him feel that way (me, because he can't accept or realize that these negative feelings dwell within him and I did not create them) OUT and GONE.

I imagine after three months, the temporary relief of having "the trigger" out of his face has evaporated and he may now be realizing he's alone and still unhappy, and I am NOT beating down the door to return.

This is where pwBPD have to be allowed to fail and wallow in the consequences of their own actions. I have read that sometimes pwBPD no longer meet the criteria when they get older, because they realize those behaviors don't work and are forced to self-adjust in order to survive in society. He is in NO WAY there yet, but I suspect that once he has had ample time to reflect upon what he lost, especially when the bills start to pile up, and his boys get old enough to fly the coop (one is already 17) then it's going to hit him hard.

He's a handsome enough guy to attract some ladies, I'm sure... .but will they stick around? Will they have patience for his horrible behavior? Since I'm the first one to make it past the 2 year mark in 12 years (and none of the others lived with him)... .I suspect not. There were three others besides me with long gaps of him being alone in between. He really doesn't do well in relationships. (I say with great hindsight!) But he so badly wants a partner and to be loved. That is what is so tragic. I happen to be extremely thick-skinned and have had some life experiences that have given me a cast iron coating. I can endure a LOT. Not everyone can. His exes could not. In the end, neither could I.

He won't be an easy sell. And he also will easily become bored with most of the women he meets anyway. Aside from his BPD, he's extraordinarily intelligent, and doesn't relate well to the vast majority of "regular people". He knows he has BPD and he was pretty straightforward about that with me upfront. I had no idea what I was in for, but I tried to learn about it, use the tools, and give him a chance. I gave him a million chances. He told me in peacetime that none of his exes (not even his ex-wife, the kids' mom) took the time to learn about the illness or accept it, or try to figure out what his complex needs were. They just left. Or easily let themselves be driven away without an argument. I also suspect eventually he will recall that I loved him how he was, and did not give up on him without a fight. But you have to pick your battles, and he made it impossible for me to win that one. It was a fight that I was sure to lose.

I don't think he will ever ask me back for the reasons you described (pride and fear) but also shame. He treated me HORRIBLY. He executed a smear campaign that would make American politicians cringe. He horrendously betrayed a person that cared for and accepted his children as family, and doted on as if they were my own sons. Those kids really liked me. He knows this. THEY know this. He would never come back, because he has f*cked up SO, SO badly. He would have to own that and make amends. Undo the damage. He can't. He's not capable, and he won't admit he did wrong. So I know, even if he realizes he misses me... .he won't come back. And that's for the best. I don't want to suffer like that anymore at the hands of someone I love. I deserve better. I'm a good, solid, trustworthy partner. I don't hurt people. I don't deserve to be hurt either.

he "discarded" you, he controls the communication - when he feels the need to, he reaches out, he also doesnt expose himself to asking to be back in your life and give you the chance to turn him down. This is a guy who makes sure he will hold all the cards. Does he regret now the situation he is in that he has lost all that was good - highly likely - but theres not much creativity to find a way that will get you back under his thumb other than you playing along with the subtle hints. Does he care how you feel? Like my ex, I believe they do, but its transient, id expect a few minutes at most before it gets dumbed down - and a coping mechanism overides it - then its back to playing their favourite song

"woe is me"

Totally. He's is 100% the victim, and has zero grasp on the fact that this is a repeat pattern for him and it is ALWAYS someone else's fault. Though I would not say that he controls the communication. I grant you - he tries. But I am making no effort to reach out to him at this point and he still feels compelled to write to me about all manner of odd things. I control when, if, and how I respond. I guess the reason I don't feel controlled is because the emotional fragility I felt is gone. Dried up. I don't hang on his communications anymore, and they are not getting under my skin. The first month after I moved out, I would have jumped at the chance to reconcile. I wanted nothing more than to "go home".

A lot has changed. I don't want to run back to him. I don't want to put up with that treatment anymore. I'm doing fine on my own now - so if he wishes to maintain some kind of control over me, he can wish in one hand, and take a big steaming dump in the other, and see which one fills up faster. ;-)

and when i truly started to realise that it was all about her, always was, will always be. yep it was dream shattering, but that was the conduit/key to escaping it.

Exactly this. That last note about how "HE WASN'T ATTEMPTING TO FIX ANYTHING" - just hurl a page of accusations and blame at me, sealed that for me too. Not one iota of recognition for his own actions or role in the failure of the relationship. He ran me out of the home, life, and relationship that I worked so damn hard on - in a very cruel and vicious way. I left with dignity and I am not bothering him. I don't write him to complain about how bad he hurt me. Yet he still has to write to tell me how bad I am? He can't just let it go? Indeed. It's all about him, and his pain. The pain that discarding me apparently didn't fix.

Not my problem anymore.