Getting Ready to go No Contact with MIL

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
This is my first post. I wish I had found out about this forum sooner. I wish I had found out about Borderline sooner. I've been in therapy since I was 16 because my mother died of cancer. My second and current counselor FINALLY said she suspected my MIL has BPD when I was describing her behavior. Got home, looked it up and felt such a sense of relief and validation. I always knew deep down it wasn't me and that I wasn't crazy but to see other people (sadly) strugggling with the same thing was such a help. I started dating my husband at 17 so I've known my MIL for eight years. It's been amazing with my husband but absolute hell as far as she's concerned. Just a nightmare. I have NEVER done anything to her except fall in love with her son. She would do horrible things and since my husband was unable to afford to move out at the time because cost of living is super high here, a lot of it he just had to take. Once she went on this random rage where she was texting me telling me we never fed our dog who lived there. Of course we were feeding our dog! I responded and said yes, we have been feeding him. We would not do that to an animal. She flew off the handle. My husband called me and I could hear her yelling in the background saying she was going to punch me in the face and I better not ever come over there again. The next week she was wondering where I'd been. I stayed away for two months but ultimately started coming around again for the sake of my husband. If he left his house to come spend time at mine she'd threaten to throw him out. We were young (under 20) and didn't know how to navigate the situation. I figured we might as well just grin and bear it. Over the years she's never directly confronted me because she knows she can't manipulate me, especially because my husband and I finally got the money to move in together. We've been living together for three years and it's gotten better since my husband can set boundaries without fear of becoming homeless. He's been through a lot. He's working things out through therapy and doing an amazing job. We've had lots of fights regarding her. Probably 90% of them are caused by how he handled a situation with her. I am not guiltless in this. At all. I grew up with an extremely functional family. My mom was AMAZING. Just the best mom I could've asked for. I sometimes struggle wondering why he'd want to even see her again. I think much of it boils down to a fear of losing the rest of his family. He's working through it. I'm working on being patient with him and our situation. He's had over 25 years of abuse. Recovery is not going to be quick.
Anyways, I'm trying to get to the reason for my post.
Okay so over the years I've been threatened with being punched, watched her lie about having a brain tumor, been accused of trying to make it so my husband doesn't a mom since I don't, had her tell people I was cheating on him (I wasn't), watched her yell and scream, say she has seizures (conveniently when no one is around), and worst of all watch her put my husband through SO much emotional abuse while hearing accounts of her physically abusing him which he is now remembering due to therapy. I can't stand her. I can't stand to look at her. To me, there is nothing likeable about her. Even when she's not raging or complaining about everything under the sun I'm always scared she'll flip out. I don't go to restaurants with her because she flips out on servers. She's thrown a taco through the drive through window. She's just a nasty human being.
Because of all of this and honestly far more than I care to type, I've come to the decision to go no contact with her. It's for my own well being. I just can't do it anymore, she makes me incredibly stressed. I plan on telling her via text (for my safety) this week. I don't want to put what I'm sending here in case it's somehow traced back to me but it's going to be as kind as possible. I understand there is an illness here and that she is not a happy person. I can have a small level of sympathy for that. What I cannot stand for is the way she treats people and refuses help or wrongdoing. I feel by continuing to associate with her I'm comprising my sense of self and integrity. I'm completely sure of my decision. I know I am doing what is right for me. What is causing me stress is the thought of the blowback my husband will receive. He's been SO supportive of this choice I'm making. Absolutely amazing. Couldn't ask for better and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know that how she reacts is not my fault but I can't help but follow that thought with 'you're the one setting her reaction in motion' which then in turn causes pain to my husband. His family could threaten to disown him and I know some people would say it's for the best but he's not at that point yet and I'd hate to force his hand so to speak. I thought about waiting but honestly can't hold out.  It's a miracle I've made it this long. I'm also worried about the reaction of my brother in laws. His enabler dad wouldn't be a huge loss and I'm sure he will cut me off. I'm just not sure how his brothers are going to react and it's stressful. At the end of the day the loss of them would be worth it but one has children that I ADORE. I've been in their lives from the start and I love them like blood. Sadly, I have to just do what is best for me. I'm simultaneously dreading and excited for the moment. I'll be glad when it's over and the BPD hurricane has passed through.
Any advice is appreciated.
I'm sorry this was long and probably a bit jumbled but there's so much to cover. Thanks for reading!

[Millolo]

Hello,
This is my first post. I wish I had found out about this forum sooner. I wish I had found out about Borderline sooner. I've been in therapy since I was 16 because my mother died of cancer. My second and current counselor FINALLY said she suspected my MIL has BPD when I was describing her behavior. Got home, looked it up and felt such a sense of relief and validation. I always knew deep down it wasn't me and that I wasn't crazy but to see other people (sadly) strugggling with the same thing was such a help. I started dating my husband at 17 so I've known my MIL for eight years. It's been amazing with my husband but absolute hell as far as she's concerned. Just a nightmare. I have NEVER done anything to her except fall in love with her son. She would do horrible things and since my husband was unable to afford to move out at the time because cost of living is super high here, a lot of it he just had to take. Once she went on this random rage where she was texting me telling me we never fed our dog who lived there. Of course we were feeding our dog! I responded and said yes, we have been feeding him. We would not do that to an animal. She flew off the handle. My husband called me and I could hear her yelling in the background saying she was going to punch me in the face and I better not ever come over there again. The next week she was wondering where I'd been. I stayed away for two months but ultimately started coming around again for the sake of my husband. If he left his house to come spend time at mine she'd threaten to throw him out. We were young (under 20) and didn't know how to navigate the situation. I figured we might as well just grin and bear it. Over the years she's never directly confronted me because she knows she can't manipulate me, especially because my husband and I finally got the money to move in together. We've been living together for three years and it's gotten better since my husband can set boundaries without fear of becoming homeless. He's been through a lot. He's working things out through therapy and doing an amazing job. We've had lots of fights regarding her. Probably 90% of them are caused by how he handled a situation with her. I am not guiltless in this. At all. I grew up with an extremely functional family. My mom was AMAZING. Just the best mom I could've asked for. I sometimes struggle wondering why he'd want to even see her again. I think much of it boils down to a fear of losing the rest of his family. He's working through it. I'm working on being patient with him and our situation. He's had over 25 years of abuse. Recovery is not going to be quick.
Anyways, I'm trying to get to the reason for my post.
Okay so over the years I've been threatened with being punched, watched her lie about having a brain tumor, been accused of trying to make it so my husband doesn't a mom since I don't, had her tell people I was cheating on him (I wasn't), watched her yell and scream, say she has seizures (conveniently when no one is around), and worst of all watch her put my husband through SO much emotional abuse while hearing accounts of her physically abusing him which he is now remembering due to therapy. I can't stand her. I can't stand to look at her. To me, there is nothing likeable about her. Even when she's not raging or complaining about everything under the sun I'm always scared she'll flip out. I don't go to restaurants with her because she flips out on servers. She's thrown a taco through the drive through window. She's just a nasty human being.
Because of all of this and honestly far more than I care to type, I've come to the decision to go no contact with her. It's for my own well being. I just can't do it anymore, she makes me incredibly stressed. I plan on telling her via text (for my safety) this week. I don't want to put what I'm sending here in case it's somehow traced back to me but it's going to be as kind as possible. I understand there is an illness here and that she is not a happy person. I can have a small level of sympathy for that. What I cannot stand for is the way she treats people and refuses help or wrongdoing. I feel by continuing to associate with her I'm comprising my sense of self and integrity. I'm completely sure of my decision. I know I am doing what is right for me. What is causing me stress is the thought of the blowback my husband will receive. He's been SO supportive of this choice I'm making. Absolutely amazing. Couldn't ask for better and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know that how she reacts is not my fault but I can't help but follow that thought with 'you're the one setting her reaction in motion' which then in turn causes pain to my husband. His family could threaten to disown him and I know some people would say it's for the best but he's not at that point yet and I'd hate to force his hand so to speak. I thought about waiting but honestly can't hold out.  It's a miracle I've made it this long. I'm also worried about the reaction of my brother in laws. His enabler dad wouldn't be a huge loss and I'm sure he will cut me off. I'm just not sure how his brothers are going to react and it's stressful. At the end of the day the loss of them would be worth it but one has children that I ADORE. I've been in their lives from the start and I love them like blood. Sadly, I have to just do what is best for me. I'm simultaneously dreading and excited for the moment. I'll be glad when it's over and the BPD hurricane has passed through.
Any advice is appreciated.
I'm sorry this was long and probably a bit jumbled but there's so much to cover. Thanks for reading!

[Harri]

Hi an welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and reached out for support.  We have several people here who are dealing with in-laws with BPD and all of us are dealing with a family member so you are in good company and you are definitely not alone.

We can help you as you navigate your way to no-contact with your MIL and as you see what the consequences will be with your brothers in law and your FIL.  I understand hoping to keep a relationship with the BILs but, as you know, they will respond however they respond.  Do you think they are aware of their mother's behaviors and how not normal they are?  Sometimes family members are still caught up in the dysfunction.

Regardless, you have our support.  Please ask any questions, read, post etc.  We can help.

[Millolo]

Hi an welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and reached out for support.  We have several people here who are dealing with in-laws with BPD and all of us are dealing with a family member so you are in good company and you are definitely not alone.

We can help you as you navigate your way to no-contact with your MIL and as you see what the consequences will be with your brothers in law and your FIL.  I understand hoping to keep a relationship with the BILs but, as you know, they will respond however they respond.  Do you think they are aware of their mother's behaviors and how not normal they are?  Sometimes family members are still caught up in the dysfunction.

Regardless, you have our support.  Please ask any questions, read, post etc.  We can help.

Oops! I accidentally sent my response as a message.
Here's what I said:
Thank you for the support, it's amazing
The one is honestly pretty dysfunctional. Doesn't hold down a job and has multiple kids with different mothers. He sometimes sees her as abusive and was the most vocal about childhood abuse. He's defended my husband in the past. Other times he will deny that his mom is volatile. Interesting case. The other one who we are closer to has been expressing more and more that he's fed up with how she acts and that she's crazy. He's sort of a wild card though because he'll be at our place talking about how sick of her he is but then go visit her the next day. She supports both of them to varying degrees financially so I can see the withdrawal of that being a threat if they decide to continue being in contact with me.

[Harri]

  No worries!

Yeah, that is complicated but doable.  Each brother gets to choose what their relationship will be like.  it will be hard though since they are still intertwined with their mom.  The best thing you can do is stay our of any drama triangles they may try.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?  Read through this article, I think you will find it helpful in the coming months.
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

We also have communication tools that can be quite helpful.  You can even share them with your husband if you think he would be interested. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome to our online family, Milo.

It sounds like your MIL tries to keep her sons locked into FOG whenever she feels threatened. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. We have an article on emotional blackmail and FOG:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Do you think your MIL uses this tactic?

I think your decision for NC is very understandable. Physical and emotional separation often is necessary to gain a sense of safety and begin healing of self. It’s wonderful that your husband is supportive of your decision. Harri is right though, the brothers are going to do whatever they will do. We’re here to support you through this.

Please read as much as your able and ask lots of questions. We have many members who have experienced similar situations.

Be kind to yourself today 

  L2T

[Millolo]

Welcome to our online family, Milo.

It sounds like your MIL tries to keep her sons locked into FOG whenever she feels threatened. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. We have an article on emotional blackmail and FOG:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Do you think your MIL uses this tactic?

I think your decision for NC is very understandable. Physical and emotional separation often is necessary to gain a sense of safety and begin healing of self. It’s wonderful that your husband is supportive of your decision. Harri is right though, the brothers are going to do whatever they will do. We’re here to support you through this.

Please read as much as your able and ask lots of questions. We have many members who have experienced similar situations.

Be kind to yourself today 

  L2T

Thank you for the kind words. Sadly, my MIL is the master at emotional blackmail. Will not hesitate to use it. She's very good at zeroing in on what affects people most. You are exactly right. It is their choice to decide how to handle this situation, just as it's my choice to decide to go no contact with her. This morning my husband said, "if they cut me off, they cut me off. I can't control how they will act" and he's absolutely right. I will keep you guys posted. Ready for it to be done but we are waiting until all of our school classes this week are done so we don't have that to worry about.

[Millolo]

 No worries!

Yeah, that is complicated but doable.  Each brother gets to choose what their relationship will be like.  it will be hard though since they are still intertwined with their mom.  The best thing you can do is stay our of any drama triangles they may try.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?  Read through this article, I think you will find it helpful in the coming months.
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
We also have communication tools that can be quite helpful.  You can even share them with your husband if you think he would be interested.

Oh thank you! I will read through that. Haven't heard of it. I've been doing tons of research on BPD lately but that is new to me! Thank you!

[Woolspinner2000]

Popping by to welcome you as well, Milo, 

It definitely sounds as if you have a lot to handle and balance. I am glad that T (therapy) is helping you and your DH (dear husband). From what you described, your MIL is having a very difficult time with emotional regulation. There is a common behavior that we see in our pwBPD, and it is called Splitting. Do you think you have seen this as well?

We get it here. My mom was uBPD. Please keep sharing; we will be listening.

 
Wools