Seeing my EXpwBPD on campus pt 2

[CryWolf]

Hey all, I  mentioned previously i saw my ex on Tuesday on campus. She saw me sitting with another girl talking. She walked by and she saw me and I saw her and she walked off fast on the phone.

I looked terrible because I didn’t sleep and wasn’t dressed my best.

Anyway, today I hung out with a mutual friend of another. The girl that’s in my class whose also friends with her. She told me how my ex texted in their group chat and said “I just saw my ex and I looked like ___”

She was referring to herself looking terrible but I don’t think she was. And me and the friend both were confused because she’s seen me on campus before and never mentioned me but all of a sudden she mentioned me to them. And I’m not sure why she’d care. Unless it’s because she saw me sitting with a cute girl.

Also, my friend told me that my ex felt that she put all the effort in the relationship. She told me this happened when she met up with her and that other guy last week, that  I thought was her boyfriend but they are all just friends.

I’m not sure what to do with this information. A part of me feels hopeful she misses me. But me and my friend both know she won’t ever apologize or admit she’s wrong.

I felt I need to share this.

[CryWolf]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328533.0

Previous thread^^

[1stTimer]

Hey all, I  mentioned previously i saw my ex on Tuesday on campus. She saw me sitting with another girl talking. She walked by and she saw me and I saw her and she walked off fast on the phone.

I looked terrible because I didn’t sleep and wasn’t dressed my best.

Anyway, today I hung out with a mutual friend of another. The girl that’s in my class whose also friends with her. She told me how my ex texted in their group chat and said “I just saw my ex and I looked like ___”

She was referring to herself looking terrible but I don’t think she was. And me and the friend both were confused because she’s seen me on campus before and never mentioned me but all of a sudden she mentioned me to them. And I’m not sure why she’d care. Unless it’s because she saw me sitting with a cute girl.

Also, my friend told me that my ex felt that she put all the effort in the relationship. She told me this happened when she met up with her and that other guy last week, that  I thought was her boyfriend but they are all just friends.

I’m not sure what to do with this information. A part of me feels hopeful she misses me. But me and my friend both know she won’t ever apologize or admit she’s wrong.

I felt I need to share this.

What is most interesting to me is the insight on how we can all make things about ourselves. Your take on the interaction, understandably, was that she dismissed you and turned away to be rid of you and did so out of annoyance and disgust. Clearly from her take on it she was disgusted by the way she looked and didn't want you to see her like that. I'm not recommending any course of action here one way or another, just that it is sort of a wake-up call to you (and all of us) how interactions we are so sure of meant one thing, usually bad about us, or often not about us at all or not in the way we thought. Clearly this girl still cares how you perceive her. I don't know enough about the backstory to make any sort of recommendation, however given the little I read you might at least take this as the closure you were looking for.

[Mutt]

Hi Crywolf,

I read your post and I can't think of a logical reason why she would post that on in a group maybe she didn't want you to see her dishevelled maybe it would look like she's affected by you by looking depressed?

I don't know, what advice that I can give to you is we don't need to pathologize everything I can understand having the need to share it I probably would too but I wouldn't give it too much thought.

[1stTimer]

You might take the rare opportunity at the revelation of what actually happened to give yourself some credit and some closure and some validation.

Your take on the look of disgust on her face and turning away from you:

* she looked at me disgusted and annoyed... .

* I’m still painted black.

* she makes me feel little and small.

* She makes me feel like s***.

* she probably thinks I’m still the same pathetic person as before

* Why is it not hard on her? How cold can she be?

* She couldnt even look me in the eye

* Right when she saw me, she went back on her phone. and replied to me when on her phone, like i had no value in her life

What she was actually thinking:

* Oh no! It's CryWolf and I look horrible, I can't let him see me looking like this! I'll turn away before he can really see how bad I look that is the last thing in the world I want.

* He probably thought I looked horrible. I'll text Marcie and see what she thinks, maybe she knows

Maybe even:

* That girl he is with is gorgeous! Why did I have to run into him now of all times! Of course he likes her and not me. Why is it not hard on him? How cold can he be?

This is a good Gary Larson everyone should keep on their refrigerator:

https://www.google.com/search?q=gary+larson+I+think+I+like+vanilla&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBhsm25dvdAhWMTN8KHfHnBkEQ_AUIDigB&biw=1707&bih=791&dpr=1.13#imgrc=n0i08TS-7EryTM:

[CryWolf]

I think I want to text her

[CryWolf]

Hi Crywolf,

I read your post and I can't think of a logical reason why she would post that on in a group maybe she didn't want you to see her dishevelled maybe it would look like she's affected by you by looking depressed?

I don't know, what advice that I can give to you is we don't need to pathologize everything I can understand having the need to share it I probably would too but I wouldn't give it too much thought.

Thank you, I spent most of the day tbinking about why she did all that. I asked because when I approached her in person a few weeks ago she was wearing sweats and didn’t care or even want to see me. Then all of a sudden she cares about how she looks in front of me this week?

But my speculation is that last week when she met with my classmate, my classmate told her “hey I think one of your exes in my class” and a week later she texts in group chat with my classmate knowing she’ll probebly tell me? Idk. My ex was very manipulative and I wouldn’t doubt if she did all this for an ulterior motive or agenda to mess with me.

Since yesterday. I’ve been missing her like crazy and thinking of the possibility of a new rs with her...

Butttt, I don’t think this will be healthy again

[CryWolf]

Should I reach out to her? I dont think I should but I do miss her. But here I am wondering if she wants me to reach out to her? Although I think it should be her to reach out. but if i do text her it would validate her and she would stop missing me.

I am scared I am slowly going back to before during the break up and she's been on my mind nonstop since yesterday and now im wondering what her actions mean and my anxiety is triggered again trying to find answers.

I know none of you nor myself can find out why she had to text her group chat with her friends in regards to seeing me and feeling like she didnt look good, when she has seen me before in her sweats and has looked worse and has never said anything. So im not sure what her angle is or if there even is an angle. I dont know and it sucks.

I want to text her, but ive reached out so many times. but shes stubborn so idk. idk if this is a sign for me to do nothing or reach out to her. and i dont know what I want if i do talk to her.

Thanks for listening/reading. I am a bit confused on everything right now.

[once removed]

when she has seen me before in her sweats and has looked worse and has never said anything. So im not sure what her angle is or if there even is an angle. I dont know and it sucks.

she felt self conscious. probably, for the same reason that you did. its human nature when one runs into an ex. we wanta look our best, be seen in our best light.

it is certainly possible that that self consciousness was heightened when she saw you with another girl. thats human nature too.

CryWolf, i would not use this knowledge as an invitation to reach out to her. you have reached out to her, even recently. what do you think would be different about this time if you did?

[CryWolf]

CryWolf, i would not use this knowledge as an invitation to reach out to her. you have reached out to her, even recently. what do you think would be different about this time if you did?

True. I guess im hoping she misses me and is being stubborn and will reply back and we can start again...

But from previous encounters, she has no interest in talking to me.

[once removed]

True. I guess im hoping she misses me and is being stubborn and will reply back and we can start again...

slow down.

even if she were to reach out, being in contact is something youd want to take very slowly.

[Mutt]

she's been on my mind nonstop since yesterday and now im wondering what her actions mean and my anxiety is triggered again trying to find answers.

What are you thinking about? Are you missing the good times? What I mean is are thinking only about the good stuff and not the bad stuff when you were together? It's normal to think only the positives when you start to miss someone realistically there were negatives too. 

[1stTimer]

True. I guess im hoping she misses me and is being stubborn and will reply back and we can start again...

But from previous encounters, she has no interest in talking to me.

Crywolf, in your original post about the run in you mentioned you basically were hoping for some validation or closure (she misses you, thinks about you). Can I ask you if you can find a way to use the revelation that she turned away because she was worried about how you saw her as that closure and validation and just leave it at that? If this means she is going to reach out then let that play out, but it seems to me given everything you said and what you professed to want, you've got as good an 'endgame' as you are going to get. You wanted to take some power back and you got it. Hold on to it and if there is something there let her come to you if not take the power, closure and validation you can from what happened.

[CryWolf]

slow down.

even if she were to reach out, being in contact is something youd want to take very slowly.

True. I am getting ahead of myself over nothing.

What are you thinking about? Are you missing the good times? What I mean is are thinking only about the good stuff and not the bad stuff when you were together? It's normal to think only the positives when you start to miss someone realistically there were negatives too.  

Hey Mutt,

Im thinking about all the memories. all the good moments and experiences and thinking about rekindling things... After eating with this mutual friend, she asked me numerous times if id reconsider getting back and i told her i love her but I wouldnt. but then i started to ponder the possibility. and then how she mentioned my ex was talking about me in their groupchat after seeing me and i started to think if she missed me and why all of a sudden. but could mean anything... and that brought some sense of hope which I need to cut off for my own good.

also hearing how she said i didnt put effort in towards the end of the relationship hurts me. i feel so sad and i feel sad she felt that way as well. i would love to restart and retry. i want to text her and take things slow and see where it goes. but i dont think she would be open to the idea of it.

i told this mutual friend about how my ex ignored me when i approached her and went on her phone, and the mutual friend said my ex does that when she gets nervous. so i dont know. it has me questioning things. and whether my ex misses me she will never contact me first. her own words.

Crywolf, in your original post about the run in you mentioned you basically were hoping for some validation or closure (she misses you, thinks about you). Can I ask you if you can find a way to use the revelation that she turned away because she was worried about how you saw her as that closure and validation and just leave it at that? If this means she is going to reach out then let that play out, but it seems to me given everything you said and what you professed to want, you've got as good an 'endgame' as you are going to get. You wanted to take some power back and you got it. Hold on to it and if there is something there let her come to you if not take the power, closure and validation you can from what happened.

Youre right and this is a good way to look at it. I am trying to make something of nothing here and my anxieties are telling me i need to reach out and how she is stubborn and wont and how she probably misses me and to restart a relationship. but i am jumping too fast and her doing whatever she did could either be playing games or  actually missing me. who knows. and I shouldnt fall into either of it. take it for what it is. i reached out too many times and i shouldnt anymore.

I dont know why i want to reach out and i dont know why im so hopeful. but i need to stop.

I should take this as a win and continue my purpose.

[CryWolf]

I can’t shake this obsessive thinking of texting my ex or reaching out... .why do I feel this so suddenly...

[1stTimer]

I can’t shake this obsessive thinking of texting my ex or reaching out... .why do I feel this so suddenly...

It makes total sense Crywolf. You've gotten some validation, some indication of possible renweed or continued interest on her part vs believing she hates you or forgot you. And now the possibility of what you dreamed about is there again.  The thing is you've just learned a great lesson about reality; it is often not what is going on in your head at all. In this case, it was in a good way (she didn't turn away out of disgust or disinterest in you but because she was worried you would think she didn't look good).  But if you let your imagination now turn that into a reality you are hoping for (she missed you terribly and wants to get back together like you do) you are likely to be just as surprised at reality.

This was a pretty major development, again at least for your closure and self-worth and as you say your "power". Let the feelings to text her ride over you the way you do waves at the beach (sorry, this is an image I always use when I get obsessed by doing something, the way you can either fight the incoming wave or just jump and let it pass through you) and enjoy what you've learned and let that give you some solace and strength. If a move is to be made it is by her. And now the next time you bump into her and say hi to her, your entire energy will be different because now you will now; she doesn't hate you, she isn't done with you, she didn't forget you. She cares about what you think, she takes time to text about you. So you can say hi calmly and with confidence and a confident and relaxed smile and keep walking. Things will develope from there if they are 'meant' to. Remember; jump with the waves.

[Mutt]

Hi Crywolf,

Is there something that you can do switch gears? If you’re ruminating about the ex call a friend or family and go out to a movie, do you have s project that you can work on, i like working out I can empty my thoughts in the gym and it boosts my mood.

[CryWolf]

Hi Crywolf,

Is there something that you can do switch gears? If you’re ruminating about the ex call a friend or family and go out to a movie, do you have s project that you can work on, i like working out I can empty my thoughts in the gym and it boosts my mood.

not gonna lie, since i heard of this news. I stayed in bed majority of the past two days, drank either with friends or by myself.

But then I went to the gym today and then spent time with family and watched "rampage" with the rock .

I think im doing a bit better. I have a ton of homwork I need to catch up on which I ignored... A bit scared I dont fall into old pattern of a few months when I stayed in bed and didnt want to go anywhere during the breakup. I im better now and hope its just my fears being triggered since there has been an anomaly in recent events.

If a move is to be made it is by her. And now the next time you bump into her and say hi to her, your entire energy will be different because now you will now; she doesn't hate you, she isn't done with you, she didn't forget you. She cares about what you think, she takes time to text about you. So you can say hi calmly and with confidence and a confident and relaxed smile and keep walking. Things will develope from there if they are 'meant' to. Remember; jump with the waves.

Do you think I should approach first in person If i see her and say hi? I dont think that would be a good idea as Ive tried before. or just smile if anything and continue with my day?

The feelings to text her have died down, and Ive noticed either she sent that to her group chat to seek attention and validation from them because she saw the girl I was with. either way doesnt matter, and it gives some thought to my perspective that she cares in some way. helps me sleep better at night too .

Ive just been tense about how it added a change to the dynamic of everything but i suppose this is normal like mentioned above.

I agree that a move does have to be made by her. ive made too many.

Im also scared if she does make a move. Idk what I want. I dont want to think about it because I can become fixated and if it doesnt happen I can get a bit a sad about it. So I think its best to not expect anything.

[1stTimer]

Do you think I should approach first in person If i see her and say hi? I dont think that would be a good idea as Ive tried before. or just smile if anything and continue with my day?

I don't think you should plan anything, even down to what to say if you or she does say hi. You have new perspective about what is going on inside her head when you see her; she notices you and cares what you think about her. I'd simply remind yourself of that when you see her (vs the prior 'she hates me she doesn't care about me she is disgusted by me' one that ran through your head before) and then simply play it by ear. Whether you pass by with a nod and a smile, say 'hi!' or she comes up and says hi, that perspective will inform and dictate how you respond and what you say. Confidence.

Im also scared if she does make a move. Idk what I want. I dont want to think about it because I can become fixated and if it doesnt happen I can get a bit a sad about it. So I think its best to not expect anything.

As per above I'd agree don't think about what you want, you are largely doing it in a vacuum.  As Skip says, you can now enter into a relaxed and no-expectations conversation with her, armed with the knowledge she thinks about you and cares about what you think of her. What that means to your or her or you together is impossible to say, yet again if you do speak to her you'll be in a much better position to know what you want from what she says and how you interact without that 'she thinks I'm disgusting she hates me' mantra influencing your words and behavior. In other words since, if you speak to her, you won't be seeking validation/closure or your 'power back' (now that you should have all of those) you can have a real conversation with her.

[Cromwell]

its still just attention seeking, using you again for it.

Like has been said, dont read too much into the narcissistic immaturity, its just a comment to attract a bit of attention from the group, get them focused on what she looks like, "oh dont be silly, you look fine - its your ex that looks downtrodden not you!"

[CryWolf]

its still just attention seeking, using you again for it.

Like has been said, dont read too much into the narcissistic immaturity, its just a comment to attract a bit of attention from the group, get them focused on what she looks like, "oh dont be silly, you look fine - its your ex that looks downtrodden not you!"

you're right. My mom and friend said the same and she just looking for attention since she probably felt insecure about herself (which she always did when we were together). she still cares in a way, and Im gonna take it as a win.

I would love to reach out but I've done plenty. I need to stop worrying if she's scared of reaching out and scared of rejection and finding excuses to reach out to her again. Im going to hold my ground as this is another battle at the moment. 

[CryWolf]

All the good memories, events, jokes have been coming back recently... all the insider jokes and laughs.

I miss her so much.

It will be a year late next month. How has she not texted or reached out once? I miss her so much and love her, and I’ve tried everything but it’s all hopeless.

I’m not even sure if I’m ready for a relationship with her but to take it slow and talk and laugh like we used to. My feelings and emotions are all over. Once I found out she’s been single this whole time and the shift of events, my mind has been fixated back on her.

In a perfect world I’m guessing we both put in work apart from another, both missed another so much. And rekindle the flame and live happily ever after.

[CryWolf]

My sleep schedule is messed up. Mind has racing thoughts and questions about her the past week.

Her birthday is a few weeks. I don’t think I will say happy birthday. I want her to feel my absence. And most likely the stalker ex will text her, so I want to be different.
Next month it’s my bday and the anniversary of the break up which is difficult.

Then the holidays where I was miserable last time. And every holiday prior we broke up due to possible seasonal trauma on her behalf.

I’m not sure if it’s her comment last week, plus the severity Of these events that are having me tense and fixated and reminiscing.

October-January were our favorite months

She would make fun of me for liking pumpkin spice things, we were intimate the first time on Halloween. she came over for thanksgiving or my family would bake her her favorite sweets. Just the whole fall vibe was amazing. December we would bundle up and get bubble tea in the freezing weather or eat comfort foods while wearing matching jackets. Or indulge in peppermint Andes and hot cocoa.

Went off a little to vent. 

[Cromwell]

I want her to feel my absence. 

Do you believe and/or wish that she will, to much, if any extent?

[once removed]

not gonna lie, since i heard of this news. I stayed in bed majority of the past two days, drank either with friends or by myself.

i probably dont need to tell you that this is one way that some cope with anxiety.

i know another member asked about therapy and you mentioned (correct me if im wrong) that youre no longer seeing them. have you considered finding a long term therapist? if you woke up tomorrow with no feelings for your ex, theres a lot of pain, and coping mechanisms around that pain that im concerned may follow you.

[CryWolf]

i probably dont need to tell you that this is one way that some cope with anxiety.

i know another member asked about therapy and you mentioned (correct me if im wrong) that youre no longer seeing them. have you considered finding a long term therapist? if you woke up tomorrow with no feelings for your ex, theres a lot of pain, and coping mechanisms around that pain that im concerned may follow you.

Well it wasn’t heavy drinking. I drank 2 cups of wine with some friends Thursday night, and some whiskey Friday night. Not to the point of excessive drinking. Haven’t drank since. I guess my main concern was as staying in bed all day. But that was just weekend and I’ve been out and about and going to the gym again as well.

I am seeing my school therapist. I see him every 3 weeks because he said I was  showing Incredible progress.

Do you believe and/or wish that she will, to much, if any extent?

I’m not sure. Knowing her, she won’t admit it either.

update: so today I got food with the mutual friend again. And my ex was brought up. She told me a lot more about what happened last semester and her meeting with her last week.

So last semester apparently my ex was showing all the classmates pictures of us, and specifically me. Telling them how I’m her ex, etc. I’m surprised my ex kept our pictures or even mine... she was always quick to delete things but she would surprise me at times and keep memories that she would tell me she didn’t in her acts of anger.

 it makes sense as to why people from her class were randomly staring at me last semester and I had no idea. They all knew my face. I thought I was going crazy but I wasn’t.


She also told people about the Email I sent my ex and how she thought I moved on by the email.

2 weeks ago when they all met up: The guy who posted her pic, told my ex and my friend that I was only trying to be close to him to get closer to my ex and my ex told him “no he just doesn’t have friends” and this was true at the time. My ex defended me in those regards.

He also told them how I blocked him on ig and my ex said “probably because he thought we were together” and then the guy said “that wasn’t my intention”

However, my ex told the mutual friend to stay away from me and I asked my friend “why didn’t you?” And she said “cuz I think you’re cool”

One thing that I did find out that hurt was that my ex got a new car. Her parents used to bribe her by telling her if she left me they’d get her a new car. I’m not sure how my emotions are procesing this.

So this friend has been going behind my exes back to hang out with me and be friends with me. I’m still cautious of what to share. And no she doesn’t like me, she talks about to this guy she likes and asks for advice

[Cromwell]

Hi Crywolf

I get baited at times in college to talk and gossip, in this facebook snapchat era, its all that is going on, drama creation as a relief from vapid minds.

Youve got the choice, play detective, waste your mental reserves by trying to put snippets of post event "clues" together to form some conclusion, and at the same time, they lack much credibility; you dont know the validity of them or any agenda being strung with the prime focus of just getting you into the target for something your ex can use to generate more attention. Is she comfortable with seeing you around the college - do you think she is indifferent to you, even if you arent - yet - towards her? Have you been forgotten about? I dont think so, not based on what you discover still going on.

but there is one way you can; rise above it all, be the mature one. new friends - or "mutual friends", what is their of news to talk about an ex, she was/is supposed to be history?

you realise there are snakes out there who are just sent to find and coach/lead you into saying something, the context of which can be wildly exaggerated, spread across all the crappy social media stuff, and no-one cares of how valid or accurate it is, its just going to me more source of drama for your ex to feed from - at your expense.

in the midst of splicing all the bad outcomes, and being stuck in happy-nolstagia mode - are you confident that your ex is the type not to cause you any problems? As you replied in my previous post;

"knowing her she wouldnt admit it either"

I hope it goes well with the counseller and its a safe and appropiate place to offload whatever you feel troubling you. Doing so with "mutual friends" or people we havent established trust over time and tested, is a risky move to make.

[CryWolf]

I get baited at times in college to talk and gossip, in this facebook snapchat era, its all that is going on, drama creation as a relief from vapid minds.

well, it wasn't bait. I brought it up this time. my friend said she wanted us to talk and work things out but I told her im not sure thats a good idea to bring up with my ex. and i just vented a bit. and she shared what she knew.

i dont know the mutual friend much but so far she hasnt shown inconsistencies. so idk. but im not oversharing or always talking about my ex.

a lot of the stories she shared make complete sense with what was going on last semester.

i dont think my ex will cause problems but she wont show her emotions or text/apologize first no matter how wrong/sorry she is.

during previous breakups she would open up after getting back together and how she missed me but shortly after, this would scare her at times

[Cromwell]

mutual friend as an intermediary between two exs.

bit of triangulation there, keeping that connection going, cant say for certain she wont pass on information, but if she does at least your ex can guage that you still think of her/pine for her/or whatever theme was discussed.

If it is a heartfelt genuine apology, based on empathy, that would perceivably take away some emotional pain for this.

what exactly is it that you believe she was "wrong" and would have to be "sorry" for?

if it is about how you feel as a result of her behaviour - how much of this is her responsibility instead of your own?

My ex was nasty, deceitful, cruel and did many acts of betrayal. It upset me, but when it came to being hurt by it, it was my own choice - I could have been the Cromwell who would have just shrugged it off, ditched her, and got on with life without much of a second thought. I have friends who would have done the same.

My ex has nothing to apologise for the fact im a sensitive person who is easily unsettled and easily hurt by people I have felt love for. Thats where there is some substance in it when they say "im sorry you feel that way" as 1stTimer experienced. its caillous, it is cold, it is emotionally distancing, yet at least we are getting somewhere - the truth of the person and a reality check. They didnt give a f about how we felt, but when it came to them we pulled out all the stops to provide emotional warmth.

it makes me angry - at myself -, that I cared so much for a person who didnt give a ___ about me. Do you believe she will miss your absence - for you - or is it going to be at most a fleeting thought of "oh no text or card from CryWolf, hes trying to show me he doesnt care but he still has plenty to talk about me via our "mutual" friend".

it will be a cold day in hell before people like that feel any shame, I see no value in wishing for it, to do so is egocentric in that "I" would feel shame if in that position and assuming there is crossover. "individual differences" in psychology - they are on a different plane, not only did I not know my ex, I still dont, the difference to my recovery was getting to the stage of;

not wanting/caring to know.

your next birthday wont be the same, even if she attends it or not.

I incorrectly perceived that nothing would have matched the ones I had with her, it turned out faulty perception, it was better.

[CryWolf]

I saw my ex at one of the buildings. she was walking with a dude/classmate. And I was sitting with a girl/friend.  she saw me and zoned out. we ended up walking in front of her and that dude, and i think my ex was getting jealous but i didn't look back. i was looking like i was having a good conversation with this girl. The friend and I say goodbye...

I walk inside another building and my ex  walks out the bathroom. My ex and I both looked at each other. And I turned back around and walked back outside that building after I justed walked in... I’m standing outside taking a breathe. She walks out 5 minutes later I guess she was stalling inside waiting for me to leave. She walked past me with this dude, like 3 feet in front of me, and he’s holding her stuff. he probably has a crush on her but thats all it seems like.
So yea we saw each other a few times all within 10 minutes.  and when i saw her she looked sad, and i looked sad.  i just wanted to speak to her.