I feel completely exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.

[Toohurt]

I’m at a point in life, or have been for many months now, where I feel completely exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I started therapy a month ago, have been scanning this and other BPD/Bipolar related sites, trying to make sense, to find some sort of peace but nothing has helped so far, so I thought it was maybe time to just reach out to others and hope a miracle happens.

My relationship with my ex started 2 years ago, we met each other on a gaming app where I beat him consistently, in spite of him being great, and that’s where our conversation began. Important to point out, and hoping to receive no judgemental comments, I am married for 12 years now and have 2 sons, 11 and 6. I am 33.

The point in my life where I met my now ex was a particularly difficult one, I had just caught my husband having an affair with his university sweetheart, there was lots of friction and distance between us and I was at my most vulnerable. When he came along, a charmer who was so attentive, so sensitive to all I was going through. I was honest with him about my situation and in spite of knowing that things went by so fast and we were both in love.

Two months into this relationship (which was long distance, he was in a different continent altogether) he was planning on where we would be going on our honeymoon. He is a doctor who was at that time in his final year of Post Graduate school. I became completely invested in this relationship, there was a need in him for me at all times, and I made it a point to push away my husband further and just keep all of me for this man. Until all of a sudden I started seeing very violent angry sides to him. I thought it was just jealousy because I was still sharing a house with my husband, and if I gave him more of my time it would go away. But they worsened.

He randomly broke up with me, saying that if I loved him I should just vanish, I was just hurting him, three months into our relationship. I couldn’t make any thing of it. I begged him to re think, I apologised (god knows for what) until he calmed down and things were back to normal. The Next few months were also like a hurricane after a hurricane would sweep me away when I least expected it. He’d get angry and vicious over the smallest things. He wouldn’t trust me, he’d accuse me of the most bizarre things, all in the name of love. He loved me so he could be his worst self in front of me. There were many many break ups but I’d take him in each time. Until he had to sit for his final exams and randomly called me after a push and pull period of two months, crying over the phone that he needed me. Only I could help him focus. During this time I also learned of his alcoholism and prescription medicine abuse. Like always, I took him in. Sat with his through it all, suffering his anger, his mood swings, calming him down. He’d tell me how he loved me, how he needed me and that it wa time that we ought to meet in person.

I planned a trip with my boys and actually went to meet this man. It was a three day trip, I had to sneak around my sons to meet him and I thought he would finally see me for who I was and his doubts would be put to rest. He seemed distant and his eyes were mostly blank. We were intimate physically but there was no sex, in spite of him wanting it. I refused saying that I was still married and in spite of all everything else this was one thing I couldn’t do. (We had been intimate via video calls from the start) he appeared to respect that.

This three days flew by and we were back in our respective countries and then suddenly I got to see a whole different person. The kind, funny, loving man who would make an appearance often vanished somehow and there was a new bitter drunk man I had to deal with constantly. He would say the most abusive things to me verbally, all the while expecting me to leave my husband, but never once did he understand, how could I leave my husband for a man that he had now become.

Also, important to note, during this period, my husband noticed my distance and I don’t know what got into him but he changed somehow, he spoke to me over and over on trying to make it work. He is an amazing father to my children, who adore him, how could I leave him for the man that my ex had become. I put all my energy in trying to change my ex, to make him become who he was initially and then maybe have a life together. But he thwarted all my attempts.

His drug and alcohol abuse sky rocketed and somehow, it was all my fault according to him. I drove him to it. I cheated him, I didn’t deserve a love like his, he was pining for me while I was happy in my life. He would drunk call me in the middle of the night and I would get up and be there for him, help him find his way home. I was constantly on my toes. I should mention that he is a loner. He didn’t live with his parents and rarely visited them. He shared an apartment with a friend. So I felt responsible for his safety. And I also loved him truly. I compromised on my values, on who I was and what I believed just for this man.

I started studying for a degree as well, and I had my first set of exams this MAy and right when I was about to sit for them he broke up with me. In the most cold in humane way possible. I grovelled in front of him, I said just wait until I’m done with my exams but he wouldn’t listen. He said my parents want me to get married and I cant wait. It was like a punch to my heart, the look in his eyes like he didn’t know me.
Two weeks later, he was back after calling me 20 , 30 times a day. Telling me how he cant handle stress, how I of all people should understand that he cant function without me. I took him in again.

Until a month later, and various ditching episodes later he hung up on me saying that he can get someone much better than me, that he doesn’t need me in his life. He was gone again for a week, leaving me clueless and hurting until I called him myself and he shouted at me saying what took me so long to get back to him. But something in him had changed during this episode, there was a different kind of rage and bitterness in him. Try as I might I couldn’t decipher its meaning, until in one of his drunken episodes he blurted out that he had slept with a prostitute. It hit me like a hammer on the head, I asked him over and over but he refused and said he had just said that to hurt me. To make me realise how he feels knowing that I am still married. Every time I reasoned that I was willing to walk out of this marriage with my kids but he had to at least promise me some stability, some consistency, at least sober up, he would just fight more, going round in circles.

After many weeks of half lies that he would retract and my voluntary denial to see the truth as it was and my stupidity of giving him the benefit of the doubt, he once again confessed that he had actually slept with a sex worker, in fact he called her in front of me and made me listen to their conversation. I was beyond shocked and to make matters worse he was the one who stormed out saying he had wasted enough time with a fake person. This was a month ago, and I have been hurting like my whole being is covered in an open wound that hurts at the smallest touch or memory.

A week ago he contacted me again, saying that he was in pain and needed me, he wouldn’t have contacted me otherwise. He said why has your tone changed, you’re not the same person any more. I told him how badly I was hurting, I confronted him with everything he had done and he said he was sorry. An apology, finally. I got my chance to vent, i got my apology but nothing helped. He said he wanted me to be his friend forever because no one understood him like i did, I didn’t know what to say. I asked him how many times he had been with the sex worker, he said once.

The next day he called me drunk again, and whilst i was driving, confessed, he couldn’t remember how many times he had been with her. Something in me broke. I screamed and shouted myself hoarse, like a raging maniac. I hurt my vocal cords. I told him he didn’t deserve a second of my time and here i was giving him two years. Loving him, often even more than i loved my boys. Willing to put so much at stake for what? He couldn’t even tell me the truth, he couldn’t even share some load of this relationship. I’d never spoken to him that way. He kept apologising, kept begging me to stay, but i told him i had to get back to the life i had put on hold for him. I hung up and blocked him. That whole day he kept leaving me voice mails, begging me to come.reminding me how i had promised to stay. I couldn’t bring myself to unblock him.

This was four days ago, and today i saw he blocked me as well. Everywhere.
And it hurt. Everything hurts. Where do i start to rebuild myself? My therapist asks me to be kind to myself, i think I don’t know how. No amount of yoga, reading, trying to be busy with my family is helping. I lied, cheated so many people, for this one man. And what do i have now?

Did he ever love me? Was any of it real? Does it matter if he did? Will he come back? Should i want him to come back? Will he remember any of the things i said the last day? Will he ever regret what he did? Will he know how he hurt me or he messed up? After two years i updated my facebook profile picture today, with my husband, to give my ex a fair indication of what i meant. But it still hurts. How do i make it stop?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello Toohurt,

Welcome to the BPD community.  I think you will find a lot of support here.  Sorry you find yourself in such a confusing and hurtful situation.  The breakup is fresh and of course it hurts.  Time should give some relief.

Below is a link to an article about surviving a breakup with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Let us hear more about how you are doing.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[OrionLeonardo]

Hello Toohurt,

I just wanted to say that you are in an awesome place to find support. I came here under very different circumstances yet had many questions like you. I'm not sure anyone has the answers but you. I had to look at the whole thing and realize what I had done to get the results I did. It hasn't been all that fun but very eye opening. I do know that some advice given to me about no contact has helped. Although the urges are still there they are fading, slowly, but still fading. I have started to see more of an outsiders view instead of being so wrapped up in my own feelings of lost and sadness. I think expressing yourself in a safe place like this is an amazing step, plus your husband, ex, children, and so on don't have to be involved in it if you don't want. I have come to a point where when someone who I know and who also knows my ex, my mom or sister or someone from town, even tries to talk to me about her I can respectfully disengage. I still love her, and sometimes still want to be with her. I have had to reassess my boundaries and maintain them even with so many people connecting us.

I hope getting things off your chest helped you. I know after my first post I actually got a solid nights sleep. I think asking your questions and seeking the answers is good. Just know that you will probably know better than anyone else the answers you seek. It's accepting the hard truths that I have found to be most difficult.

Stay strong and never give up on yourself   

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Toohurt,

I'm sorry to hear the pain you're going through.  It can feel very disillusioning to suddenly find yourself in the position you are in.  Many of us arrived here in the same shape and with the same type of questions.  You're in good company.  We may not have all of the answers as some things are impossible to predict, and I would add that what is most important to keep sight of is how you feel and what you think.  This you can work with.   

Will he come back? Should i want him to come back?

How do you feel about this right now?  Would you want to continue this relationship based on what you know at present about his issues?  Perhaps it would be helpful to read back over your initial post and see how you feel.  What is the situation with your husband at the moment?  Could your marriage be repaired in your opinion?

Keep posting and join other discussions.  It really helps as there is a wealth of experience here to draw upon.  Also the articles to the right of your screen are extremely informative.  I found educating myself helped me enormously in coming to terms with what I'd experienced.  We're here for you.   

Love and light x

[Long_term_dad]

Hi Toohurt

I don't have any answers for you but wanted to reach out and say that by sharing here you are taking an affirmative step towards healing.    I'm also a "newbie" here btw.  Sometimes answers come, or the path becomes apparent, simply by taking action.  By making yourself vulnerable and putting your experience into words , these actions are going to help you and others (like me).  Keep it up. You're not alone!  And fwiw I agree your situation sounds maddening and difficult and I know you will prevail.  Thank you for sharing.

[Toohurt]

Thank you for your kind words, didn’t realise a stranger reaching out with empathy would mean so much to me at this point in time. I hope whatever it is that you’re going through eases itself out. Love and light.

[Long_term_dad]

Thank you for your kind words, didn’t realise a stranger reaching out with empathy would mean so much to me at this point in time. I hope whatever it is that you’re going through eases itself out. Love and light.

You are most welcome!  I think we help each other simply by participating.  We're so fortunate to have access to this community. I'm gonna make a donation right now. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=treasury

[Harley Quinn]

Important to point out, and hoping to receive no judgemental comments, I am married for 12 years now and have 2 sons, 11 and 6.

Hi Toohurt,

I feel it important to let you know that you will not be judged here.  This is a safe place to share.  A high number of us were going through difficult times as you were when we met our BPD partners.  It is fairly common for that to be the case and can make the idealisation, sometimes known as 'love bombing', all the more effective in drawing us in, as we are having needs met that were not otherwise.  You are far from alone.  Be assured that we are here for you and can understand how your relationship developed.   

Love and light x 

[Toohurt]

Hi Toohurt,

I'm sorry to hear the pain you're going through.  It can feel very disillusioning to suddenly find yourself in the position you are in.  Many of us arrived here in the same shape and with the same type of questions.  You're in good company.  We may not have all of the answers as some things are impossible to predict, and I would add that what is most important to keep sight of is how you feel and what you think.  This you can work with.   

How do you feel about this right now?  Would you want to continue this relationship based on what you know at present about his issues?  Perhaps it would be helpful to read back over your initial post and see how you feel.  What is the situation with your husband at the moment?  Could your marriage be repaired in your opinion?

Keep posting and join other discussions.  It really helps as there is a wealth of experience here to draw upon.  Also the articles to the right of your screen are extremely informative.  I found educating myself helped me enormously in coming to terms with what I'd experienced.  We're here for you.   

Love and light x

Hi Harley,
Thank you for getting back to me. You asked if my marriage could be repaired and honestly, I think it could be, if only I knew how to really let go of my ex - or to be more precise, to let go of what I imagined him to be.
He has this insane ability to somehow always turn the tables on me, every time I make the mistake of responding to him. As I wrote in my initial post how I confronted him regarding his time with the sex worker, and how he seemed apologetic. But then suddenly I received a call from him putting all the blame for that act of his one me, on how I’d driven him to it and how he couldn’t believe he’d stooped so low.
All of a sudden there I was putting all my energy in making him see that his version of events was not true. But like always, he’d made his mind up and there was nothing I could do or say to change that.
I’ve beat myself up constantly for falling in the same rabbit hole yet again.
The current situation is that he’s acting like he’s doing me a Favour by not blocking me and that he’s around if I need to contact him INSPITE of all the torture I brought in his life.
When does this stop? Will he truly hold onto his absurd beliefs? Is it really how their mind works? Have I been devalued for good?

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi Harley,
Thank you for getting back to me. You asked if my marriage could be repaired and honestly, I think it could be, if only I knew how to really let go of my ex - or to be more precise, to let go of what I imagined him to be.
He has this insane ability to somehow always turn the tables on me, every time I make the mistake of responding to him. As I wrote in my initial post how I confronted him regarding his time with the sex worker, and how he seemed apologetic. But then suddenly I received a call from him putting all the blame for that act of his one me, on how I’d driven him to it and how he couldn’t believe he’d stooped so low.
All of a sudden there I was putting all my energy in making him see that his version of events was not true. But like always, he’d made his mind up and there was nothing I could do or say to change that.
I’ve beat myself up constantly for falling in the same rabbit hole yet again.
The current situation is that he’s acting like he’s doing me a Favour by not blocking me and that he’s around if I need to contact him INSPITE of all the torture I brought in his life.
When does this stop? Will he truly hold onto his absurd beliefs? Is it really how their mind works? Have I been devalued for good?

Hey,

I know your responded to Harley but you hit a chord with me and I felt I should say something.

Don't DEVALUE yourself based on HIS beliefs.

My ex tried to convince me I was terrible. Honestly I was losing it and starting to think she was right. In talking with my T we came to the conclusion some of that had to do with my childhood and some was just ripples from the relationship. My T talked me through times when I am a good person and that my actions indicate that I don't believe it to my core.

It is hard and exhausting fighting the internal dialog. The reels of every messed up conversation or a replay of one particularly hurtful one over and over.

Don't believe it. Look at the evidence in your life where you are a good person.

Do you work hard? Are you loving and supportive of your kids? Maybe you are always polite in traffic.

Please don't take what he says to heart. I mean honestly, did you hold a gun to his head and make him cheat? Probably not. He doesn't want to take responsibility, thats on him. I don't doubt it hurts you. It's still his choice. As far as when it stops, I think that is our choice. You don't have to engage when conversations turn ugly. Ask for a break to calm down. Regroup. Your power is in how you respond.

 

[Toohurt]

Hi OrionLeonardo,

“Don't DEVALUE yourself based on HIS beliefs.”

Thank you. I really needed to hear this today, and must keep reminding myself of this often. I am usually able to think clearly and see things for what they were, but when the hurt and doubts raise their heads, facts start blurring and I begin questioning myself.
Was I really the cause of his pain? But how, so, I gave him the permission to house all of his pain and anger in me. Who else ever did that for him?
Was I the reason for his substance abuse? But I met him two years ago, he’s had these recurring problems since much much earlier.
I forced him to use a sex worker?
I was right here, distancing myself completely from my husband, willing to walk out if only my ex sobered up, promised some stability, calling my ex frantically, asking him to come back, reasoning that one way or the other we will make it work.
Some days I need to really break it all down bit by bit to make any sense of all the chaos he’s left me to deal with.
 Thank you so much for getting back to me. Having someone understand feels like a huge blessing atm.
Love and light.