Help, walked on eggshells our entire 14 year relationship

[anePB]

Hi. My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I believe she has a BPD.  I have walked in eggshells our entire 14 year relationship and it’s onky gotten worse and worse.  My wife’s mother and grandmother act in the same matter.  My wife and I also drink more than we should and everytime she gets drunk I end up getting yelled at, accused of nothing and physically abused and she never can tell me the next day why she acted that way.  I am a professional firefighter and she called the police for no reason one time and it cost me a six figure fire job because of that “probe a point call” to the police that resulted in nothing. She is very insecure and I am no longer allowed to have social media because she criticizes every female I am friends with and thinks I’m having sexy with everyone.  I have never cheated yet I have been caught talking to other women like I shouldn’t years ago.  I haven’t done that in several years and it’s only gotten worse and worse.  I only talked to another girl when my wife had an episode one time.  Everytime she gets drunk now this happens and we have children that see this as well and I always have to leave the house for the night until she sobers up the next day and then she wants to make everything right.  She never has a reason to act in this manner but it happens like clockwork everytime.   I have been mentally preparing myself to leave her but I just can’t and I stay for my children but I think it might actually be better to divorce rather then my children seeing these actions.  I am lost and don’t know what to do or say.  This has forced me to take sick days at work from time to time.  When she’s drunk I sleep with one eye open until I know she’s asleep and the threat level is down.   I won’t go to sleep before her because there’s a good chance if she’s drunk she will wake me up by hitting me for no reason at all.  I don’t know what to do or were to go at this point in our relationship.  My therapist I go to regularly told me about BPD when I finally opened up to her and told her how my wife acts.  My wife used to do this once in a while but now it’s every time she gets drunk... .and that’s often at least 2 times a week. I have never been allowed to go out to lunch with a friend without a huge fight. Everytime I leave for my hunting trip every year it usually ends up with her throwing things at my truck as I leave only to be overly nice by the time I get to the 3 1/2 hour destination for the trip.  It’s a hunting trip not a strip club marathaon.  She does the same stuff when we go to our annual Disney trip as well... .psychotic behavior up until we leave the house and I’ve never known why she acts this way.  I find it rare to have a intellectual rational conversation with my wife anymore and I am always to blame for everything.   Even though I’m the only one that works and I allow her to be a stay at home mom and struggle... .but it’s my fault we struggle because I spend our money I make.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Hi anePB,

   You have come to the right place to start to learn more about BPD and the tools you will need to navigate. It's not an overnight solution, as it sounds as though things have escalated in your household.

My wife and I also drink more than we should and everytime she gets drunk I end up getting yelled at, accused of nothing and physically abused and she never can tell me the next day why she acted that way.

Alcohol use is common among pwBPD, as I believe they seek to feel better, a way of self medicating. The problem is that they lose the ability for self control, and spiral. She is either having a blackout of splitting so much that she doesn't remember what she says or does. They are both scary situations.

Your children are of upmost importance. Do you feel that they are safe?  Has she considered going to therapy before?

You mentioned that she seems to act up prior to leaving on a trip, or you leaving on a trip. Do you notice that she is under some type of stress? Money issues can always be a big stress point.

My husband is also jealous of me, and like you avoid talking or messaging the opposite sex. It is all unfounded, but to him it's all real. And it's doubly hard to be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Learn as much as you can about BPD  and arm yourself so that you can take care of yourself and your kids. 

With Kind regards.

[Panda39]

Hi anePB,

I'd like to join loyalwife and welcome you to the BPD Family 

You have a lot of things going on in your story, maybe the way to go is to break things down into smaller chunks.

The first thing that jumps out to me is your use of alcohol.  This will not help the situation with your wife and your children need at least one functioning adult.  Since we can only truly control ourselves that means you, because your wife is clearly spinning out of control.  I urge you to cut out the alcohol.

The second thing is your lack of sleep, self-care is really important.  To use the airplane analogy... .the oxygen mask comes down you are instructed to put your own on and then help someone else with theirs, why because you can't help anyone else if you are unconscious.  Sleep deprivation is not helping you.  You aren't able to help yourself or your children when you are exhausted.  Have you ever tried setting a boundary around getting sleep?  Have you ever left and spent the night in a hotel to get some sleep?

I'm concerned about the physical abuse that is not okay.  Below are links to more information on taking a timeout and Domestic Violence (DV) on men... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

Therapy... .Yay!  This is excellent.  I'm so glad you're being open and honest with your Therapist, they can only help with what you share.  By opening up you are helping yourself and making those sessions more effective. 

I also want to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information, just click on anything that resonates and read away.

Again welcome    I'm so glad you decided to reach out.  You will find lots of information, tools, support and folks that have gone through situations similar to yours.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

I admire you for being so honest about drinking. That's not easy to do.

Alcohol is tricky because it feels like it soothes anxiety while simultaneously making it worse.

Have you tried to get it under control in the past?

How old are the kids?

[anePB]

I admire you for being so honest about drinking. That's not easy to do.

Alcohol is tricky because it feels like it soothes anxiety while simultaneously making it worse.

Have you tried to get it under control in the past?

How old are the kids?

  
Thank you,  
My girls are ages 10 6 and 4 months. I notice she has severe anxiety everyday after she drinks.  I used to drink everyday I was off and quit when she was pregnant this last time and lost 95 pounds.  I was also eating healthy and working out too.  Her mother is a alcoholic and has the same actions going on.  Left her father when her and her brother were probably 10 and 5 to live with another man.  Very unstable person but thinks there’s nothing wrong.   My wife knows she has a problem and wants to fix it.   But we’re at the honeymoon spot in the sequence since she just did it Saturday night we we will see if she follows through this time.  I have noticed that she is more jealous and insecure since I lost weight so maybe that’s why everytime she gets drunk she blows up for no reason at me.   I also can’t leave the house to grab a pizza without being called 10 times... .not a joke.

[anePB]

Here’s another example of how things go in my house.  My wife and I were both in a wedding in August... .I was the best man and I couldn’t go to the bachelor party because my wife is so insecure.   It was a weekend out of town with a group of good guys!   I’m the best man and I can’t go because my wife is so insecure that we will have a blowout fight everyday for 2 weeks leading up to me leaving.  I decided to not go and avoid the blowouts and avoid my kids seeing her act in such a way.  I literally had to cancel and pay my way and I did it for my babies!