Just beginning to understand; dealing with MIL

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  I have so much emotion as I try to focus in on a general area. This woman, my MIL, has done some much to me that it is hard to decide where to start.


  My mother-in-law has uBPD and it has been mentally exhausting,trying to put a name to it. Hours and hours of studying and reading have lead me and my husband to the understanding that it isn’t just emotional incest but BPD that has been the cause of every problem I’ve had with my husband and his intire enmeshed family.

     My husband and I are truly meant for each other and this is a blessing to us, but my mother-in-law has literally tried to split us up on the day of our engagement party and the day before we wed. The day of our engagement she was so upset she ended up sleeping with someone at the party because her scheme to split us up didn’t work. She took the very same person she slept with then to the bathroom at our wedding reception, but was thankfully seen and retrieved by her daughter. The only reason I divulge the private information, is because I see it as a pattern of her behavior. Her enmeshed son was being taken away from her and she had to replace him for the moment with a friend of his. Many people saw her inappropriate behavior except, perhaps her husband.  

     My husband has always been close to his family but as soon as he could, he joined the Navy and off he went on HER BIRTHDAY. Every time I see her, she cusses out the president for taking him away, even though it was his choice.  Every time they visit he has to get away, go somewhere with his dad and leave me alone with her. This last time, he promised me he wouldn’t leave me alone with her due to the fact, she says and does the strangest thing while no one is there to witness it except me-I don’t count. He didn’t keep that promise. My husband always said,” she didn’t mean it”, “you misunderstood”.  It was as if he went inside himself during their visits.  My MIL gave me PTSD. I get severe anxiety any time they tell us they are visiting. It got worse once I had children because she was always manipulating schemes to get me away from them during the visit. The worst time was two days after my son was born and my in-laws thought my husband and I needed to go on a date. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hardly got to hold my baby those first two days and my husband was no help. All he cared about was his mom and pleasing her, which hurt so bad, I think I will never recover. My mother knew she would see the baby when the in-laws left, so hard as it was, she stayed away. My MIL had the nerve to thank her for staying away. I have absolutely no love for my MIL and that is ok at this point, what isn’t ok is that I have to deal with her evil, sneaky, snide comments, manipulations, lies and sick ways for the rest of my life, just because I love her son.

As a child my husband got a speech impediment, where he speaks so fast he is hard to understand. I have come to understand that it is due to the pressure she put on him to be her perfect child and take care of his mother, sisters and himself while his dad was away working. I would work and live in another town too if I was married to her.  In the situation there are all of the textbook emotional incest, narcissistic and BP characteristics. I, of course, had to leave a lot out but I cant tell you how relieved I am to have found this site to help. I am filled with joy to know my husband and I can get some guidance in written form so my husband feels freer to speak, due to the speech impediment. Thank you to anyone who will help me feel not so alone in the never ending roller coaster.

[Truelove]

  I have so much emotion as I try to focus in on a general area. This woman, my MIL, has done some much to me that it is hard to decide where to start.


  My mother-in-law has uBPD and it has been mentally exhausting,trying to put a name to it. Hours and hours of studying and reading have lead me and my husband to the understanding that it isn’t just emotional incest but BPD that has been the cause of every problem I’ve had with my husband and his intire enmeshed family.

     My husband and I are truly meant for each other and this is a blessing to us, but my mother-in-law has literally tried to split us up on the day of our engagement party and the day before we wed. The day of our engagement she was so upset she ended up sleeping with someone at the party because her scheme to split us up didn’t work. She took the very same person she slept with then to the bathroom at our wedding reception, but was thankfully seen and retrieved by her daughter. The only reason I divulge the private information, is because I see it as a pattern of her behavior. Her enmeshed son was being taken away from her and she had to replace him for the moment with a friend of his. Many people saw her inappropriate behavior except, perhaps her husband.  

     My husband has always been close to his family but as soon as he could, he joined the Navy and off he went on HER BIRTHDAY. Every time I see her, she cusses out the president for taking him away, even though it was his choice.  Every time they visit he has to get away, go somewhere with his dad and leave me alone with her. This last time, he promised me he wouldn’t leave me alone with her due to the fact, she says and does the strangest thing while no one is there to witness it except me-I don’t count. He didn’t keep that promise. My husband always said,” she didn’t mean it”, “you misunderstood”.  It was as if he went inside himself during their visits.  My MIL gave me PTSD. I get severe anxiety any time they tell us they are visiting. It got worse once I had children because she was always manipulating schemes to get me away from them during the visit. The worst time was two days after my son was born and my in-laws thought my husband and I needed to go on a date. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hardly got to hold my baby those first two days and my husband was no help. All he cared about was his mom and pleasing her, which hurt so bad, I think I will never recover. My mother knew she would see the baby when the in-laws left, so hard as it was, she stayed away. My MIL had the nerve to thank her for staying away. I have absolutely no love for my MIL and that is ok at this point, what isn’t ok is that I have to deal with her evil, sneaky, snide comments, manipulations, lies and sick ways for the rest of my life, just because I love her son.

As a child my husband got a speech impediment, where he speaks so fast he is hard to understand. I have come to understand that it is due to the pressure she put on him to be her perfect child and take care of his mother, sisters and himself while his dad was away working. I would work and live in another town too if I was married to her.  In the situation there are all of the textbook emotional incest, narcissistic and BP characteristics. I, of course, had to leave a lot out but I cant tell you how relieved I am to have found this site to help. I am filled with joy to know my husband and I can get some guidance in written form so my husband feels freer to speak, due to the speech impediment. Thank you to anyone who will help me feel not so alone in the never ending roller coaster.

[yamada]

Where do you start.

First of all it is his mother not yours.

She is his problem not yours.  Now the tricky bit is how not to be the problem so she is the problem. I have a sister in,law who is difficult. I gave up expecting my hb to stick up for me with his sister, so I manage it myself so long as he doesnt butt in. If he choses to butt in I will walk out.

And maybe you have to act on your own here .

[Harri]

Hi and welome to the site.  You have found a place where we get it.  some of us are here because of an in-law but we can all relate to having a family member who has BPD or BPD traits.  I am glad you found us and posted.

It is especially hard for people who marry into such a dysfunctional relationship.  You might find this thread particularly helpful:  Thought we made progress, but now I'm overwhelmed  The original poster is a person whose husband mother and both sisters have BPD and they face  similar challenges.  If you click on the OPs name, you an pull up additional posts that she has made here.  

We also have another thread here: BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies  

I hope you find these two threads helpful.  At the very least it will confirm you are not alone.  At this point, is your goal to try to improve your relationship with your MIL?  Are there any other in-laws that are in the mix?  

I hope you feel comfortable and settle in.  Your husband may benefit by setting up his own account here as well.  It is very hard to separate from a parent after a lifetime of abuse and enmeshment but it can be done.  It can be a challenge for the spouse though but we can help with that as well.

Please continue to post, jump into other thread and ask questions.  We have lots of articles, tools and stuff we can share.  We really get it here.  Again, I am glad you found us.

[Truelove]

I hope you find these two threads helpful.  At the very least it will confirm you are not alone.  At this point, is your goal to try to improve your relationship with your MIL?  Are there any other in-laws that are in the mix?  

The threads you suggested have been very helpful and incredibly familiar. Thank you!

I don’t think I can improve on the relationship with my MIL due to the fact that she wont change, I have just got to toughen my heart to the mean, manipulative behavior she constantly tries to inflict. That isn’t easy, growing up in a loving, supportive family, who has been there for me. I don’t expect my husband to completely separate from his family, but I need her to understand that he and I are one.  Unfortunately, my in-laws like to stay a week each time they come.  We can coexist for a few days then her crazy comes out.  My FIL is in the mix as the enabler and he thinks everyone needs to give her what she wants, its easier for him that way.  Hopefully once my husband grows stronger and more independent from her things will continue to get better.

[JNChell]

Hi, Truelove. I imagine that having this outside influence is taxing. I hope that you’re feeling alright tonight.

My mother-in-law has uBPD and it has been mentally exhausting,trying to put a name to it.

This all sounds quite exhausting. I empathize with you.

From reading your post, it appears that your husband has been severely parentified by his mom. Are you familiar with parentification? It’s a role reversal. The child becomes the parent.

Her sleeping with someone after your engagement party is a sign of poor coping mechanisms. The mom is losing her caretaker and needed to feel better in the moment. Impulsivity. 

How are things with you and your husband? Is MIL being intrusive?

I get severe anxiety any time they tell us they are visiting

I’m sorry about this. I know what severe anxiety feels like. Are you and your husband able to discuss this?

You’ve also mentioned your children and how your MIL tries to manipulate that. Where’s that at the moment?

husband was no help. All he cared about was his mom

You’re here looking for reasons why. What do you think happened to your husband that makes him appease his mother without a thought?

Our FOO (Family of Origin) blueprints the youngsters. Some of us follow that blueprint to a T, and some of us don’t.

I have to deal with her evil, sneaky, snide comments, manipulations, lies and sick ways for the rest of my life, just because I love her son

Unfortunately, yes. Your MIL will never change. You’ve expressed deep love for your husband.  He has an attachment to his mother that isn’t healthy. You know this, and you love him. Do you feel like you need tools to help your situation?

[Truelove]

JNChell,

Are you familiar with parentification?

Yes, I’m familiar. I had come to the same conclusion through my studying their behavior together. My husband is very uncomfortable with the label but he does agree that it is accurate. The way my MIL touches him even now has made me uncomfortable and even jealous.

How are things with you and your husband? Is MIL being intrusive?


My husband and I have a great relationship as long as she isn’t around and since he has agreed that his mother isn’t well and we need to start putting boundaries up. He is very sad right now, reading articles and posts on here and realizing what he thought was normal, is not. My heart breaks for him.

She was being invasive recently.  She and my FIL wanted to come visit on our anniversary, he isn’t ready for them to come due to us just realizing that uBPD is why she acts the way she has in the past. Her visits are never health ones for our family and we wanted our anniversary to be about us. She started constantly e-mailing my husband at work, trying to break him down to consent to the visit.  We have both agree that her communication at work has to stop, so he would either text when he got home or not get back to her at all.  We felt the trap she was setting and weren’t going to fall for it.  He has felt empowered not jumping to answer every communication, and I know it has been hard but I am so proud of him.

husband was no help. All he cared about was his mom

You’re here looking for reasons why. What do you think happened to your husband that makes him appease his mother without a thought?


My MIL was young and alone when she had my husband.  She would always tell him that it was just you and me, we have to stick together. He felt responsible for her, their enmeshment was extreme. He, in a way, was brain washed and if he fell out of line, even a little, terrible guilt followed.  He still experiences the guilt, I told him anytime he feels the guilt, know she is manipulating you.  


 Do you feel like you need tools to help your situation?

I felt like he wouldn’t get help until I started the process.  He is now on the site too and we have agreed to not look at each others posts unless we choose. This way we can be free with our thinking, he definitely needs his privacy from me, to express himself. I also hoped to find ways to deal with my mil so I didn’t feel so damaged.  Her behavior is somewhat foreign to me.  I always choose to let her say and do what she will to me without saying anything. I am not a confrontational person, so I often sit in shock of the things she says and does.  Tools to keep the peace but not be a punching bag would be ideal.

[Star0009]

hi
i have a BPD mom and future mil with BPD. I've got my mom down for the most part but the mother in law I do not and am dealing with the same thing. I hope to add more later but wanted to let you know yr not alone. At least your husband is taking steps. My bf finally admits his Mom is nuts but says he can't handle to emotionally deal with it yet and to ignore her. Anytime she does something to me and I tell him he yells at me to deal with it or even though he now says she is nuts he makes excuses for each crazy thing she does. I feel insane because at least I admit to and am shocked by each one of my own Mom's crazy actions and actively seek help to get healthier. I totally believe you she does the strangest stuff when nobody is there. That is the worst. She also wants to break us up and literally expects us (and really me out of the picture) her grown son to live with her and completely all share a life forever and she will not take no for an answer. She loves the fact he is unhealthy and she wants it that way. You don't have to share but I'm curious what she does when nobody is around? I hope to write more details soon as your post helps me too I'm just tired but glad you found this place. It has been helping me lots.

[Truelove]

Star0009,

I completely get what you are going through with your bf. it’s hard not feeling supported by the one you are closest with. My husband does the same thing, he acknowledges but is constantly catching himself in the routine he has with his mother. He is fighting the urges to fall victim to her guilt trips and other tactics. I hope, for you and I, time will heal their wounds and ours.

I once thought it would be therapeutic to write down everything my mil had done to me and present it to my husband, one manipulative thing after another. It was the wrong thing to do in my case, stopping my account of things, on the day after our wedding. I shook so much typing these things that she and my husband (unaware that they were wrong or afraid to go against her) had done, I decided to stop. I did have my husband read all I had wrote, and to him it as a shot in the gut. He kept saying he was so sorry and I cried with a broken heart at the times in my life I can’t get back, that she selfishly destroyed.  We have been married five years now and those times are raw to this day. My husband has changed in those years, but he still has so many issues that I hope he will soon address. 

While no one is around she likes to talk about others in her family that I have said I liked.  She tries to give me every reason not to like them, one of them being her own daughter, who isn’t dependent on her.  I see jealousy in every negative thing she would say. I felt she wanted me to dislike those people and trash them as well, she would tell these people I had said bad things about them.  Instead, I just sat and listened, saying “really” every now and then. These are the small things she does, the others would take a lot of time in the telling. 

Best of wishes to you!