Gummy bunnies and movie tickets

[Step3]

Hi,

I'm new and need some advice. My (I guess ex girlfriend now) got in a disagreement. Theres been a ton issues but the one leading me here right now is from last Friday. I wanted to make the day special so I planned for us to have a candle light dinner at my house. I made vegatable pot pie from scratch.  She showed up unexpectedly that morning to see me. It was a nice surprise. I had been doing a lot of yard work so she helped me then left so she could get ready for work. I told her my plans for the day. I had to finish my yard, go to my work to drop off paperwork then cook dinner. She called me close to noon. I was at the store picking up her favorite dessert. I told her I needed a new broom because I broke mine. She suggested I go to Costco then asked if I'd get her gummy bunnies from there. She also asked if I could get her a few other items that aren't available at Costco. I wasn't planning on going to costco or any other stores but the price of the broom she suggested sounded reasonable. She also wanted to see a movie over the weekend so I said I'd look up the times. I get to costco, theres no brooms and it's packed. I still had desserts in the car so I decided to leave and not get the gummy bunnies. I get to my car and the desserts are melting so I rushed home to drop them off then went to whole foods for her other items. I get home around 1 PM. My yard still needs to be finished, theres grass and dirt all over my living room floor from going in and out. So I start cleaning my yard, then super glue my broom, sweep and mop my floors,  take a quick shower then start dinner. I never took a moment to eat, drink water or look at my phone. 5 PM comes, dinner is ready, I'm cleaning my kitchen and dishes, lighting candles,  making myself look and smell nice for our dinner date. She arrives a little after 5. We sit to eat, I tell her I had to super glue my broom because costco was out of brooms. She asks about the gummy bunnies and the movie. I tell her I'm sorry, I didn't have time but we can look at the movie times for Sunday right now. She gets mad and says she asked me for two things and I couldn't even do that then leaves.  I call her, I tell her I'm on my way to Costco. She accuses me of lying about the movie and gummies saying I have no integrity to admit that I forgot. I defend myself saying I didn't have time.  She keeps accusing me of lying to her and if I can't tell the truth about little things, I'll lie about the big things. Breaks up with me, tells me she'll call the cops if I show up at her house. She said it would be better if I just admitted I forgot but that's not what happened.  I refuse to agree to that.

It's been hell. She kicked me out of her house for not noticing her haircut recently.

Went off on me because I don't open my mail everyday.

Told me I'm closed minded because I vented about a young kid at work saying I'm less educated than the kid. I'm a nurse with with experience.  The young nurse is 22, just out of school.

Told me I take the easy way out and that she never sees me studying for an upcoming test I have for work (I study when I'm home alone at work), she says I'd be much more attractive if she saw me studying.

I tried calling her yesterday and she said shes putting a no contact order on me. I'm beaten to the ground. She's never been diagnosed. She told me I was gaslighting her by denying I forgot the bunnies and movie.  I want so bad to just get over her and stop taking this from her. It's been 4 years on and off. I hate that I get so desperate to talk to her when she leaves me. I call and call, it's insane. I do this to myself.

I guess what I'm needing is support, similar stories, how others handle this stuff. Validation. Anything. I can't stop crying.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[desperate.wife]

 
Oh Step3, so sorry you feel this way. I can understand you are upset. Breaks up are not easy. And over little things like that? It is possible that she just needed validation from you that you care. It seems exaggerated for us. It is also possible that she is so scared of abandonment that she prefers to sabotage relationship. I am not an expert, but maybe she got scared of candle dinner (very nice romantic thing). Maybe little things she asked was like a test, something she asked, not you offered,to see if you could fulfil it? And you didn't on time (according to her) so she had a reason to break up. I am just trying to imagine what she might think and feel.


Is it so important to be right for you? You didn't forget those things, but does it matter? She felt betrayed. Could you just say something like: I am so sorry darling, I didn't realise it was so important to you. I got you your favourite desert, shall we eat it while choosing a movie we would both enjoy?

There are people here, who can give you great advices on how to handle conversations, I am sure someone will help you out.

Have you read about BPD relationships? Ways of communication? It is helpful to see how other one thinks. Have you noticed a pattern when she acts out of proportion? What makes you think she has BPD?

Meanwhile, to ease your pain do something to distract your mind. So you can calm down and think clearly.

Keep writing here, it helps

 
D.W

[Step3]

Hi DW,

Thank you for responding. Your reply was very helpful in changing my perspective. I'm upset because I was feeling so hurt and defensive that I tried to explain myself rather than try to imagine and understand how she felt. I messaged her yesterday apologizing for trying so hard to tell her my story and acknowledged that her feelings are important and I'm here for her. Of course I got no response and I'm scared this time it's really over

The reason I feel she may have BPD is because of the sudden outbursts of anger over very small issues.  The constantly breaking up with me. Going from one moment of telling me she loves me to the next telling me how horrible I am. She'll break up with me, block me and be gone for weeks to months at a time then show up or call and act like everything is perfect.

I want this to work so bad. I want to get better at hearing her and meeting her needs. I'm not sure she's coming back this time. She's blocked my emails which she has never done before. This is so painful.

[desperate.wife]

I understand the pain, it is hard when break ups are repeated and we don't know if it is real this time. Meanwhile, you can read about how not to JADE and other communication skills like SET. It takes time to master them and you could start practising them on other people. For me it is hard to use these tools, I am reacting emotionally at the moment of the heat. Still learning.

How long have you been together?

 

D.W