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Author Topic: 3 months of hostility, now says he doesn't want a divorce  (Read 1001 times)
Nixie_3

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« on: October 13, 2018, 12:04:06 PM »

So, we've been separated for about three months, my BPDh and I. He has been just awful. He'll tell me he wants me to come get my things then tell me he changed the locks and if I come on the property he'll call the police. I'm starting to think that's his conflicting feelings of being angry I left (due to his anger and manipulative behaviors) and not fear of being abandoned. Well, just the other day he sent me a text saying he doesn't want to get a divorce, he misses me, and what not. I don't understand completely why I suggested we meet and talk. I mean, I feel pretty done with him. Initially I offered to continue counseling, or even talk and he was just awful and hostile. Part of me just wants to have closure I think? If we do meet I want to be as open and honest with him as I can and I don't think he can handle that, I don't think he can handle me completely. I think he wants a very specific image as a wife and he kept trying to shape me into that and I'm not going to try to fit that mold. I was just waiting to save enough money to file for divorce and now suddenly this. I mean, it is a struggle just to have a short conversation. When we talked about meeting I said I can't meet on the weekend as I work (12 hour shifts), can we meet during the week? And he turns that into me supposedly thinking my time is more important than his. Like no dude, literally I don't have time to meet you. And then later in the conversation says he's working the weekend as well and just wanted to "feel like I value his time". What? That little interaction itself was frustrating and draining. I don't know, maybe I just want to meet to find out what he's doing with our dog that he asked me out of the blue to take (I already have two) and then wouldn't communicate with me about how long or when. I felt like I have been doing so well. I started boxing, spend as much time at the stable as I want, and have been considering moving by the beach just because I want to and I can. Why am I even entertaining the idea of meeting him? I don't know.
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« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2018, 02:07:29 PM »

Excerpt
Why am I even entertaining the idea of meeting him? I don't know.

I think you need to figure this out before you decide whether or no to go, and keep in mind that awful guy you write about at the beginning of your post is still there and could be the guy that shows up not just the guy that misses you.

Do you think you're in the FOG a little bit?

Panda39
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2018, 05:56:44 PM »

Hi Nixie_3,

I just want to throw this out there, you're trying to figure out why you're going, we're all here to help it helps to talk about it. Do you feel like you miss him? Do you want to see him because he may of changed?

Excerpt
I think he wants a very specific image as a wife and he kept trying to shape me into that and I'm not going to try to fit that mold.

Remember that mold changes at whim you may try to do your best to hold the r/s together then the yardstick is moved, it's like an emotional blackhole you can keep giving yourself to it but it's never enough.
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« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2018, 05:03:35 PM »

Nixie, how's it going?  Any developments?

Love and light x
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Nixie_3

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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2018, 03:00:36 PM »

Sorry, a lot of drama going on. The while meeting was cancelled because a lot of back and forth nonsense and then I told him point blank that I don't believe we have a chance at a healthy relationship if the bod is not addressed, after which he said a lot of nasty nonsense and he was never going to talk to me again. Then he ended up in the hospital and I visited because it felt like I should and now we've seen each other one other time because the cat is sick. I think I am a bit in FOG, seeing him after so long just makes me want to cry and I don't know if it's just loss or sadness that I can't offer him what I know he still wants. It's frustri and confusing, I really am pretty sure we can never be together again, I wish we had only ever been friends.
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2018, 07:40:48 PM »

I’m sorry to hear that he had to go to the hospital. We have members that have a friend that has BPD in their lives and have a difficult time, it’s not easier in fact it’s almost as bad a being in a romantic r/s BPD affects all r/s. What’s done is done you could be friends after the r/s but I’d strongly suggest to make that a future goal if you choose to.
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Nixie_3

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« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2018, 04:04:48 PM »

Mutt, he was only in the hospital for a couple days for medical reasons, but now since I visited him I feel like he thinks we're not getting divorced. And then right after that our cat got sick, so we've been talking about the cat and worried about him and when he talks to me my husband keeps saying he loves me, after months of telling me to burn in hell and the like. I am so confused, I don't want to hurt him by telling him there's no chance, but I can't be with him untreated and I feel even eorse because he's getting a bunch of tests done to see why he has had to go to the hospital more than once for kidney issues as an otherwise healthy person so to reinforce that we are not getting back together seems cruel to me, FOG I guess?  That plus he understands how upset I am about our cat not making it which makes me wonder if I'm giving up a good thing and then I have to remind d myselft that it was maybe thirty percent a good thing and the rest was an emotional rollercoaster.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2018, 04:27:55 PM »

How much contact are you having at the moment?  He possibly sees an opportunity to railroad you whilst you are emotionally vulnerable with concerns about the cat and may be, intentionally or not, reinforcing this with sharing about his own health issues.  It sounds to me like your mind is made up about what is best for you Nixie.  Keep that at the forefront.  Being honest and open about that is best or you will feel guilt from stringing him along and likely suffer worse backlash further down the line.  It is not your responsibility to manage his emotions, whether you are in the marriage or out of it.   

Did I read correctly that the cat didn't make it, or are you saying you're upset at the prospect?  Either way I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through that.  My cats are so important to me and it's just awful to think of losing them so I sympathise.   

I'd suggest that you be frank and say that now is not a good time for you to talk about the marriage.  Your only concern is the cat and you'd like to keep communication about that.  Give yourself some space and don't allow him opportunity to apply pressure. 

Love and light x
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« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2018, 06:47:34 PM »

I wanted to touch on what Harley Quinn said about not being responsible for his feelings and sharing your own feelings. How do you talk to him do you share personal things? My suggestion is act indifferent, show less emotion, don’t share intimate or personal things.

I thought about what was appropriate and what was out of bounds with my ex I’ll talk about the kids and only focus on the divorce and not talk about our past r/s or share intimate details. Regardless of where she wanted to take the conversationI stuck with keeping the subject about the kids and nothing else.
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« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2018, 10:01:07 AM »

Excerpt
It is not your responsibility to manage his emotions, whether you are in the marriage or out of it.

Hey Nixie, I agree w/HQ and Mutt.  This may sound harsh, but in my view you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  Took me a long time to grasp this concept, but I finally got it.  I suggest you stand in your truth rather than put off tough decisions, which will only get tougher down the line, as HQ notes.

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of push/pull behavior, which is to be expected from a pwBPD.

LJ
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Nixie_3

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« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2018, 12:58:38 PM »

Thank you HarleyQuinn, sadly my cat did not make it. And I am very upset about it, I feel like you're right and he is using that and his health as an opportunity to pull me back in. He went so far as to invite me on a camping trip last night. I responded by saying that sounds nice, but I am surprised by the invitation. He didn't like that reply and called me, I asked him what he was looking for by inviting me on a camping trip and he said "one of us has to make the first move" to improve our relationship I guess. I told him that I don't see that helping as long as I believe that the untreated BPD is our biggest problem and he denies that it exists... .and of course it devolved from there even though I didn't say it by name. He claims he just has "anger problems" and then sends me a bunch of angry texts after saying he's not even going to try anymore. Really? That was you trying? You just stated you have issues controlling your anger then call me names? I don't know why I can't just pull away. I feel like I was on the road to becoming detached till I saw him the other week and then it was just like I missed what was familiar or something, or I was upset about Grumpy and J is the only one who hugged me after he died. I don't know.  You guys are right though, I think I also have a hard time with not feeling responsible for my husband's emotions, I spent so much time moderating how I acted or responded based on how I didn't want to hurt his feelings and it just sucks so bad that he doesn't have any qualms whatsoever about hurting mine, even on purpose. I just need to let him go, I don't see how things would ever change with him.
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« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2018, 06:54:18 PM »

You guys are right though, I think I also have a hard time with not feeling responsible for my husband's emotions, I spent so much time moderating how I acted or responded based on how I didn't want to hurt his feelings and it just sucks so bad that he doesn't have any qualms whatsoever about hurting mine, even on purpose. I just need to let him go, I don't see how things would ever change with him.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat Grumpy. You mention that you're struggling to pull away from him because he has two sides he has a side that's familiar and then he has a side that's like Mr Hyde, he is both parts and although he may not be able to control his behaviours because of BPD he still has a responsibility to take care of himself and get treatment nobody can help him but himself.

Interacting with a stx or ex can reopen your wounds and it can feel like you're right back where you start it sounds like you need to self protect so that you can safely get to a distance where his presence or nostalgic thoughts don't interupt you or it's minimal to very minimal.
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« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2018, 01:28:33 PM »

I'm so sorry to hear about Grumpy.  That's a tragic loss for you   

Mutt is right - self protecting with some boundaries on yourself is important especially when you are grieving and vulnerable.  I hope you'll let us know how you're doing Nixie.

Love and light x
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Nixie_3

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« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2018, 10:09:22 AM »

This is just the most difficult thing. Recently my husband told me everything I have been wanting to hear for years. i.e. He realizes he has been selfish and only concerned with how he feels, he needs individual counseling before couples counseling would do anything, he has an anger problem, he has been unfair about my family... .All of this stuff, and a big part of me wanted to jump on that, especially when he offered to try dating each other again rather than trying to just try to go back to everything as it was. I was so tempted, and yet, I held back and told him I needed to think things over. This was last week, and he kept trying to call me and things like we were back to talking, I was at work so I didn't answer. When I didn't call him right after work the last day he sends me that he thinks we should get a divorce since I didn't care enough to call him right after work. (I work in an ICU and that was my third twelve hour shift in a row). I already had an appointment scheduled to consult a lawyer about divorce, and yet it makes me so sad that he has said that. Maybe because he actually did schedule an appointment with a therapist and see one and is now sounding so reasonable. I don't understand why it's so hard to let go. He has done such awful things and I feel like he still uses our dog Shadow to manipulate me. Even if his BPD were treated I don't think I could forget those things and I hate some of the words he seems to be perfectly ok with using. When I think about my future, he really doesn't fit in because I don't feel like I could ever be free to be my whole self with him and yet this makes me so sad. My T told me that perhaps my only role in his life is to leave him so that he may finally get the help he needs to live his life well. I try to tell myself that, but I just hate this all so much.
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« Reply #14 on: November 19, 2018, 02:30:06 AM »

I'm sorry that things have become harder for you. It sounds like your h was telling you everything you needed to hear, but just too late for you.  I know that causes conflicted feelings from my own experiences with my ex.  Try if you can to only focus on the actions not the words. His behaviour towards you hasn't changed. When you weren't there to meet his needs in the time frame he demanded, he switched back to divorce talk.  Your job is very demanding and you need to rest and restore after those long shifts.  That is your right.  He's not seeing past himself.

It is hard to let go because you have a lot invested in this r/s.  Leaving someone is never easy, but a BPD r/s is in another league because of the loaded bond we have.  You sound sure that you want more for yourself and that's a healthy attitude.  It's still sad though.  I left my ex and still had to grieve. We leave because we realise that our hopes and dreams for the r/s cannot become a reality and that really hurts. It is hard

How does he use the dog to manipulate you?

Love and light x

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« Reply #15 on: November 19, 2018, 08:21:57 PM »

Hi Nixie_3,

I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I agree with Harley Quinn if he’s serious about changing then he’ll go and get the help that he needs - watch what he does instead of taking his word for it.

Quote from: Nixie_3
When I didn't call him right after work the last day he sends me that he thinks we should get a divorce since I didn't care enough to call him right after work. (I work in an ICU and that was my third twelve hour shift in a row

He’s an egoist - you worked three 12 hour shifts and he’s thinking about himself. Empathy - he should have put himself in your shoes- she’s probably busy with work or something else and can’t talk right now I won’t take it personally I’ll wait for her to get back to me.

Irrational thinking from a pwBPD is hard on nons because even if he were soothed the same patterns continue with no resolve unless he works on his core wound of abandonment in therapy.
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« Reply #16 on: November 20, 2018, 11:32:35 AM »

I was so tempted, and yet, I held back and told him I needed to think things over.

Nixie,

dont go underwater/underground from your support group if you want to give things another try or need help navigating. you can work on the Bettering board; there are no guaranteed outcomes, but you can work to get on steadier ground.

its been a couple of days. any update?
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« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2018, 03:52:46 PM »

No, I do not want to better our relationship. Even if he went to therapy I don't think I could ever forget all the things he has said and done. I talked to my friend last night and she suggested that rather than doubting my decision when he finally said all the things I wanted I just had never truly grieved over loosing a relationship with someone I loved. I'm not sure if I still love him after everything, especially after today. He had a procedure done and I texted him to tell him I hoped it went well (and that is all) since initially he had wanted me to go before he went back to the divorce talk and he texted me back to please respect his space and not text him. That ass has never respected a single thing I've asked for and he's going to respond like that. I don't know why but that hurt me more than anything he has done in the past and now I feel like I don't want to hear a single thing from him until we're in court finalizing our divorce. I wish we had never met, I feel like my life would be so much better right now. Oh, and sorry, he uses the dog to manipulate me by telling me if I don't come get him he will take him to a shelter since he's moving even though he told me his family will buy him a house and I have two dogs already and he's 90 pounds. And I love him so much (the dog) that it drives me crazy not being able to do something for him (the dog).
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« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2018, 04:37:33 AM »

I can feel your frustration and understandable anger at the hypocritical text message and can say I've experienced that overwhelming mixture of feelings. It was meant to get under your skin. He was probably feeling hurt that you didn't run to be by his side and lashed out. You showed good boundaries by not overlooking his prior behaviour and it didn't sit well with him. This is no doubt an indication of what could be expected should other healthy lines be drawn. Do you have a divorce lawyer?  The family law board is a great place to post for advice when it comes to planning for what's ahead.

So sorry to hear about the issue around the dog. I'd be worried about him too. With the trials of a divorce ahead, it would be good to reduce any chance of additional stresses your H can cause you as well. Maybe you have a friend or family member who could give him a good home?  A coworker? Otherwise you might advertise locally so you could see he's well cared for? It must be painful to imagine him being placed somewhere with an uncertain outcome and feeling unable to prevent it. 

Love and light x
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« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2018, 09:04:01 PM »

He had a procedure done

what procedure? is it of an invasive or personal nature?
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