Multiple family members with possible BPD

[FrogFeet]

Hello
I have two siblings and a niece who seem to thrive on drama.  Although one sibling lives far away, the other two and their children live nearby.  The problem is that they all see me and my husband as stable, successful people and have settled near us to get family support.  At this point in my life, I am considering cutting them out of my life in order to stay healthy.  I have an autoimmune disease and it is much worse when any one of these people turns into Mr. Hyde and attacks me out of nowhere.  Our family has already lost one young member to suicide so I am afraid to completely step back and possibly lose another.  My niece and her baby had been living with us for almost a year when about a month ago she blew up over being reminded to keep wet diapers, trash and dog food off the carpet.  She is instructing everyone to keep her new address a secret as if we are a threat to her.  It is really hurtful after we opened our home to her to help her out of an abusive situation.  We now wonder if the last relationship was really abusive or if the friends she was living with before moving in with us were just as innocent as we were.  We miss the almost two year old terribly and don't want her to be collateral damage.  She has been on her mama's hip while she screamed at us several times.  They all regularly cut me out of their lives after these blow-ups and finally, except for the baby and a young adult nephew, I really don't want to patch things up.  My husband and I have really enjoyed having our home peaceful again but can't truly embrace the feeling because there seems to be the threat of more drama with almost everyone in the same neighborhood.

[Turkish]

Hard to say if her relationship was abusive or not.  Could be a lie or it might have been mutual given her personality. Whatever it was you did a kindness taking her in.   

Given the verbal and emotional abuse, I don't blame you for not wanting to engage.  Have thins gotten any better since she moved out?

We do have tools here designed to help communicate with pwBPD (people with BPD).

[Kwamina]

Hi FrogFeet

Considering you have your own health issues to be concerned about, I think it makes sense to take certain steps to protect yourself from your family-members negative and harmful influences. No matter how you move forward with them and whether contact is resumed or not, you setting and enforcing/defending boundaries will be crucial to preserve your own well-being. You cannot control what your disordered family-members do, but you can control your responses and your own behavior. By changing your '50%', you will change the dynamics of the entire relationship, even if their '50%' remains the same.

I can imagine how hard it must be not having the little baby at your place anymore now. I agree with Turkish that you did a wonderful thing by opening up your home to your niece and her baby. Unfortunately her personality traits make it difficult to have a stable relationship with her. As Turkish also mentioned, we do have resources on this site that can help when communicating with people with BPD (traits).

Have your siblings and niece always behaved this way? Was their behavior always problematic?

I am glad you reached out for support and advice as many of our members know how very difficult it can be dealing with BPD family-members. Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[JNChell]

Hello, FrogFeet, and welcome to bpdfamily.  I’m sorry that you’ve had to move things into great consideration. The flip side of this coin is that you’ve been feeling imbalance for quite some time, and you’re reaching out. This is good.

At this point in my life, I am considering cutting them out of my life in order to stay healthy.

It sounds like you have reached a crossroads. We understand this. Who wouldn’t want this madness to end? It also sounds like you’re conflicted on making a decision between cutting them off and keeping them in your life.

There are tools available that can help you to communicate with these folks. It will take a lot of your time to learn and practice them.

It’s also important to realize that these behaviors and family dynamics are in fact multi-generational. It only takes one of us to end the cycle. You’re that person. I applaud you for it. You’re here for a reason.

[FrogFeet]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and kindness.   My niece and siblings have always had these personality issues, even as children.  My husband and I have wondered if our niece really was abused or if she just ended up in fights that got physical, either way she needed to get out of the situation.  Our home is so peaceful now and I feel as if I can start living my life again.  I would like to learn to manage the BPD behavior because, based on our family history, these members will reach out to me again and act as if they never did anything to hurt us.  We are really worried about the baby.

[FrogFeet]

Hello again,
I just found out that my niece is telling family members that my husband was abusive to the baby and that I agreed that he was.  I am not sure what to do with these lies.
Frog Feet

[Turkish]

I would deny this.  Have you? How has it come up?

[JNChell]

I agree with Turkish. If confronted, disagree with it and live your daily lives. Your niece is most likely seeking a reaction. Let her live in her own reality.

[Panda39]

Hi FrogFeet,

Your name gives me a giggle 

I agree with Turkish you will want to deny those kinds of accusations and frankly your husband should probably not be alone with her baby going forward.  These kinds of false allegations could escalate to something more serious (and have with some of our members ). 

I think it's really good that you recognize that these interactions are detrimental to your health and that you recognize the importance of taking care of you. 

We often use this analogy here... .When you are on an airplane and the airbags come down, the flight attendants tell you to put your own on first and then help someone else.  Why because you can't help anyone else if you are unconscious. You must put your health first.  You do not have to be everyone's rescuer and caretaker and I think you are seeing that. You deserve peace, you deserve to be treated well, not the silent treatment and rage. 

There are many different ways to approach how you do this.  You could cut them out and go no contact, you could take a more low contact approach by having less contact/involvement, you could develop stronger boundaries and learn some new skills that can help make seeing them more tolerable.  Also know that if you decide to go no contact that doesn't need to be set in stone.  You could re-initiate contact later if your health issues are more under control for example.

I'm glad you've decided to jump in (no pun intended   ) and join our group.  We all have someone with BPD/BPD Traits in our lives we "get it".

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

I've had EMS training for over two decades in my career working with dangerous chemicals.   The analogy Panda39 states is based mostly on real cases of confined space injuries and deaths.  " Look! That guy's down! I'm rushing in to help." And there's another victim that needs to be rescued due to lack of oxygen in the room.  I think that most of us have been guilty of rushing in like this without stepping back to evaluate. You and your husband are your own primary family.

[FrogFeet]

Thank you all for your support.  I hadn't considered that my husband shouldn't be alone with our great- niece for his protection.   He hasn't seen her since they both moved out, but with the holidays coming up, it is a possibility.  I am trying to imagine what it would look like to have a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner with any of them there.  Developing boundaries for those occasions sounds like a good plan but at this point I don't think I want to face my sisters or niece.   My husband, two children and their SO's will be together for the holidays, and none of us wants any drama.   I really appreciate your input especially the image of taking care of myself before being able to help others.  I know that my sisters and niece are hurting too but I have accepted that nothing I do will change that.  It is so painful to see little children, I love the baby like a grandchild, maybe more since she spent a year of her life with us.  Even going into stores and seeing children's merchandise triggers sorrow and grief.  It is so difficult to know that she is so close and doesn't understand why we disappeared.

[FrogFeet]

I found out that my niece accused my husband of abuse through my dad.  My sister, the niece's mother, called our dad and started ranting about what a *itch I was and that my husband abused the baby (verbally).  My dad knows better and hung up on her but he was really upset.  My stepmom told me what happened, and I told her that my niece was lying in order to get attention and justify her moving out of our house.  She needed a good reason in order to get financial help from her mom, and demonizing us worked.  Her mom ran to help and spent thousands of dollars she didn't have to spare, to help her daughter move into a different place.  I have made it clear to everyone that my husband wasn't abusive.  I think my niece is taking that stance because she screams at her baby all the time and we know about it.

[JNChell]

Hello, FrogFeet. I’m learning that the holidays can be difficult for different family dynamics. The anxiety can arise from the food and sweets that one is bringing to the gathering, to “how do all of these personalities fit in one room?”

I am trying to imagine what it would look like to have a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner with any of them there.

The holidays should be stress free. A time to eat too much, loosen the belt and eat more. To laugh, find joy in being off work with our families and to sleep in and rest. We dictate our schedules during the holidays. Rest and relaxation. We have no bosses during the holidays.

What you’ve described sounds pretty intense with so many high-conflict people in the mix.

I see a choice here. I’d like to ask you a couple of questions. Would you like to spend your holidays around discomfort, or would you like to spend them in the comfort of your own walls? No drama.

You love that baby. Your great niece. I’m assuming that this child is the youngest in the immediate family?

Read the articles here and work on the tools. They will help you help that child.

[Turkish]

I think my niece is taking that stance because she screams at her baby all the time and we know about it.

How do people take what you tell them.  Are others aware of her screaming at her baby? Poor kid... .

[Panda39]

I think my niece is taking that stance because she screams at her baby all the time and we know about it.

I just found out that my niece is telling family members that my husband was abusive to the baby

that my husband abused the baby (verbally). 

Could be projection here... .projecting her uncomfortable feelings about herself on to your husband.

More on Projection... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Panda39