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Author Topic: How To Accept Devastating loss?  (Read 1050 times)
freespirit
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Cosmic The Cat


« on: October 18, 2018, 07:40:29 PM »

Hi, I am an adult child of an BPD/NPD mother. My soon to be X husband is on the spectrum as is my eldest daughter. The relationships were toxic and they refused to self reflect or take responsibility. We have had to go no contact. Its just my youngest daughter who is 19, and myself now. It has been the fight of our life's these past few years as we have educated ourselves and gained clarity on what has been going on. (Thank you Pete Walker) We are now at the point of the X moving out, my eldest daughter has already gone. This is hitting myself and my daughter really hard. We have no family left. My question is how do I support myself and my daughter in accepting such devastating loss?

Thank you ~ Freespirit  
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2018, 08:59:42 PM »

Hi freespirit,

I'm glad you popped by and also that you took the time to share your heartache and pain with us. I'm very sorry that you are going through this.   

One way to get through this time in your life is to allow yourself to grieve and be open and honest about it together. The truth is that this is hard and stinky and it just sucks. It's going to take time. It's also going to take some kindness and care and patience for yourselves as individuals and as mom and daughter. Feelings are going to be strong and painful. Wade through this one day at a time, together. Validate and listen and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

Who are your support people through this? You need people for you and your daughter will need her support people too.

 
Wools
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freespirit
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2018, 06:37:27 AM »

Hi Wools, thank you for your understanding, kindness and support 

Please could you define what "support people" are and how my daughter and I would go about getting some in this situation?

Thank you ~ Freespirit.

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« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2018, 07:03:52 AM »

Hi freespirit,

Support people are any people in your life that support you... .friends, extended family, a Therapist, a divorce support group, grief counseling, in terms of your daughter, I'd add a trusted teacher, or school psychologist or even the parent of one of her friends etc.

Don't forget that the two of you have each other and of course you have us too... .Team BPD Family! 

I also want to comment on the definition of family, yes we have our biological & nuclear families but there is also another family and they are the family of our own choosing... .our friends.  My son & I are a nuclear family, but I have a strained relationship with my mom and distant relationship with my brother and I live across the country from both of them.  So I have created my own family and it's not a huge family but it is made up of a few really good trusted friends who I love and who love me just the way I am.  So that might be a goal for you and your daughter. Identifying the family of your own choosing, nurturing those relationships, and enjoying you place in that family.

Take Care,
Panda39
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« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2018, 07:07:44 AM »

Having what feels like no family left is tough. I felt like that several years ago when my father passed away. To me, he was my only parent as my mother has BPD and has not been traditionally motherly to me. At the time of his death, she was angry at me and painted me black to her FOO and they stopped speaking to me, so it seemed that the family I had- or thought I had- was gone.

How to accept loss? First I had to grieve. I think this is part of it- and I think we need to feel our feelings. To me grief was cyclic- hardest at the beginning, then seemed to clear, then a song on the radio, or a holiday occasion would bring the grief back and then the times when I was not grieving would get longer and longer in between. Of course, I feel sad when I miss my father and can get teary eyed when thinking about the cousins, uncles and aunts I am estranged from on my mother's side but I don't dwell on it.

I have a family- the people in my life who know me and care about me. You have your daughters. Some friends of mine were supportive during the time my father died, and family members on his side were too. I started counseling and then also 12 step co-dependency groups. They are supportive people in my life. Over time, I built new connections with people and fostered some old ones. Family can be related or they can be among our friends. There's the family we are born in and the family we choose.

How to find supportive people? You may need to first have professional supportive people- such as counselors and possibly a support group to deal with the grief and transition. Once you feel better- you can begin to expand your friend base- join a club, group- civic or religious, volunteer, step out and meet people. You will probably not connect with everyone but even one friend is a step. Also, when you feel better- be a supportive person through something like volunteering and you will likely meet other caring people.
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freespirit
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2018, 02:03:09 PM »

I am just popping this thread here, for my daughter and I    

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
Acceptance, when our parent has BPD:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111415.0   

Thank you 
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2018, 03:53:38 PM »

Thank you for everyone's replies     

I realize now that my daughter and I were in crisis when I wrote that post. Thank you for picking on my call in crisis. It means a lot to me that you guys are here, that I could come and do this, that I had a place to come share it, a place were you would understand. Thank you for that.

I really need to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) be here!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2018, 04:24:24 PM »

Hi freespirit.  I am glad you reached out to us when you needed help. 

We all really need to be here, for us and for others.   

What can we do to help you now?  Even when you are feeling better, we can offer each other a lot.
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2018, 05:40:22 PM »

Woolspinner2000 you said -
Excerpt
One way to get through this time in your life is to allow yourself to grieve

This was helpful advise, I went for a walk by the river and got in contact with what was going on and I cried. I felt better for it. Thank you 

Excerpt
The truth is that this is hard and stinky and it just sucks.

I needed to hear this, thank you 

Excerpt
Feelings are going to be strong and painful.

I needed to be reminded of this, thankyou   
Excerpt
Who are your support people through this? You need people for you and your daughter will need her support people too.

This is an excellent question, my daughter and I are going to sit down and have a conversation around the topic of support people this weekend.

Thank you for all your help Wools 
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« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2018, 07:50:36 PM »

Freespirit,

You are most welcome. I could hear it, the cry of your heart desperately needing some validation and comfort and a ray of hope. We've all been in dark places. It only takes a candle to dispell that dark because light brings hope and guides us.

All the responses have been excellent about support groups. My T told me when I began T to deal with the nitty gritty about my uBPDm that he wanted the names of 7 to 10 people who would be my "go to" for support. I thought I would struggle to find that many, but somehow I came up with 7 names. I asked if he expected me to tell them my whole story (which the thought caused me to freeze up), and he said no. Each one can serve a different purpose. One is a friend I go to movies with. One is a friend whom I enjoy 'woolsie' things with (seriously, wool spinning is a hobby of mine!). Others I text when I need someone to listen. Another I talk with every few weeks to update her and she has been a very close mentor for me. Some I don't get in touch with but once or twice a year but I can send an email or text and say, "I need prayer."  Another one is my hiking and archery friend, and we meet at the park when we need to get outside.

I hope all thses ideas help you as you prepare for chatting about it this weekend. Healthy relationships will enrich you and encourage you and help you to feel strong and confident again. These connections have become my healthy way of getting my needs met that are not being met.

 I'm glad you went for a walk and shed some tears. Don't let those be your last! Keep seeing what you feel and how the hurt and anger is impacting you. It's good to let it out.

 
Wools
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #10 on: October 20, 2018, 08:33:23 AM »

Woolspinner2000 you said -
Excerpt
I could hear it, the cry of your heart desperately needing some validation and comfort and a ray of hope. We've all been in dark places. It only takes a candle to dispell that dark because light brings hope and guides us.

This is so beautiful, and exactly what I needed to receive, validation, comfort, and most of all HOPE, thank you   

I realize now that neither my daughter nor myself have wanted to accept any of this, that we have both been in great resistance to facing the facts.

I also now realize I have had un-examined unrealistic expectations around outcomes of doing this recovery work.  Deep down I thought that if I owned my  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and worked really hard, somehow things would work out, and we could all be a family. Sadly this is not the case.

The last 3 years have literally been a living nightmare of epic proportions. Within this time frame I have attempted to educate myself and my family as to what was really going on, and all hell broke loose.

I got everyone to read one chapter of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker - Chapter 6, whats your trauma type. That's where it all came out, and we could all see what we were really looking at for the first time.

In the last family meeting we had, I got both the X husband and my daughter to read the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, for NPD in front of us all, and they self diagnosed as full blown, but would not admit to having the disorder.

They would admit to having the characteristics of NPD that were full blown and life long, but not to having NPD or to being a narcissist. I once read here that NPD/BPD was the disorder that existed to deny itself. This has been quite the terrifying education for both myself and my daughter.

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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2018, 01:30:32 PM »

Notwendy You said -
Excerpt
You have your daughters.

For clarity, my X husband and my eldest daughter (25) are both the spectrum, its just me and my youngest daughter (19)

But, as Panda39 said -

Excerpt
Don't forget that the two of you have each other and of course you have us too... .Team BPD Family! 

I am so happy and grateful that she does the work to empower herself.  She is a brave and beautiful young lady, and I am very proud of her and our relationship today.
 
Team BPD Family! ROCK!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)    Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2018, 02:11:35 PM »

I didn't realize that it is just the two of you, but two makes a family.

I don't mean to diminish your grief by saying you have your family. It is real. I recall crying so much after my father died I was in pajamas all day and wondered how a whole day went by without getting dressed. I felt alone, even in the midst of people. My BPD mother was of no support - she was oblivious to what I was feeling. Her family just plain disappeared. Not a phone call from them to see how I was doing. Not a card. I reached out to one of them and he sheepishly admitted that she had told him not to speak to me and not to contact him again. These were people who had known me since I was a baby. I was astonished that they would just listen to her but they did.

I share my story to let you know I do understand how you feel and also how -- in time, the sun will shine on you again. You will grieve and them you will recover and find your family- of choice if not by being related. It may take some time but if you reach out to people when you are ready, I think you will see they are out there.

It is hard to realize you have a BPD mother. I think I do grieve it but I don't think I am grieving something I lost. I don't know what it is like to have the kind of mother I see my friends have.
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2018, 01:28:11 PM »

Notwendy You said -

Excerpt
I didn't realize that it is just the two of you, but two makes a family.

You are absolutely right! We have now adjusted our thinking accordingly, and are feeling much better about things. Thank you   Also, thank you for sharing your story with me, I am so sorry this happened to you  

Woolspinner2000 you said -

Excerpt
All the responses have been excellent about support groups. My T told me when I began T to deal with the nitty gritty about my uBPDm that he wanted the names of 7 to 10 people who would be my "go to" for support. I thought I would struggle to find that many, but somehow I came up with 7 names. I asked if he expected me to tell them my whole story (which the thought caused me to freeze up), and he said no. Each one can serve a different purpose. One is a friend I go to movies with. One is a friend whom I enjoy 'woolsie' things with (seriously, wool spinning is a hobby of mine!). Others I text when I need someone to listen. Another I talk with every few weeks to update her and she has been a very close mentor for me. Some I don't get in touch with but once or twice a year but I can send an email or text and say, "I need prayer."  Another one is my hiking and archery friend, and we meet at the park when we need to get outside.

I hope all thses ideas help you as you prepare for chatting about it this weekend. Healthy relationships will enrich you and encourage you and help you to feel strong and confident again. These connections have become my healthy way of getting my needs met that are not being met.


My daughter and I held our first family meeting today, as our new family. It was very productive. We were able to see that we have access to some wonderful support structures, but that we weren't utilizing them. So we have made a plan for the coming week to make use of at least one additional support structure. She is going to make her first introductory post here on BPD Family, and I am going to go to an online ACA or Co-dependency meeting.

Thank you  
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« Reply #14 on: October 21, 2018, 05:29:22 PM »

I go to ACA meetings ( and co-dependency meetings)- they really help.

Thanks for the kind words. It was hurtful, at times it still is, but it also seems that now, I see these people as they are - not as I imagined or wished they were. It's kind of a shock really- but they are also humans who have their own issues. I see that their behavior really isn't about me. When I looked at my mother's FOO- they are not bad people- they do mean well but they are invalidating. I somehow feel invisible around them. I actually felt sorry for my mother growing up in an invalidating environment.

One of the great parts about ACA is seeing the family patterns and understanding that our parents also were probably raised in dysfunction. With ACA I feel I can change this cycle- create something new with my own children, not perpetuate it. It's a wonderful feeling to know we can do this- you and your daughter will have something different.
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2018, 08:19:45 AM »

Harri, you said 

Excerpt
We all really need to be here, for us and for others.   


This is such a beautiful quote, thank you

You said -

Excerpt
What can we do to help you now?  Even when you are feeling better, we can offer each other a lot.

Definitely, thank you. 

The next step for my daughter and I, is to read all 3 pinned posts in this section at the top of the page:
1. Building a Healthy Life Around a BPD Mother or Father.
2. LESSONS.
3. SUGGESTED READING.

Then we will start reading Survivor to Thriver Manual : The transformative journey from victim, to survivor, to thriver (Free Download) found here >>  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189825.0 <<  

Thank you for all your help and support ~ Freespirit 
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« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2018, 08:41:21 PM »

Glad you are feeling better and have a plan freespirit

Do you and your daughter feel more empowered right now? I hope so. This feeling will come and go, so be sure to stay connected with people that are your support and most important of all is to reach out whenever you need support.

What did you do to be kind to yourself today?

I felt the sunshine on my skin, and it was warm and made me feel settled inside. 

 
Wools
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Cosmic The Cat


« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2018, 09:40:02 AM »

Glad you are feeling better and have a plan freespirit.  

Do you and your daughter feel more empowered right now? I hope so. This feeling will come and go, so be sure to stay connected with people that are your support and most important of all is to reach out whenever you need support.

What did you do to be kind to yourself today?

I felt the sunshine on my skin, and it was warm and made me feel settled inside.  

 
Wools

Actually Wools, I need to come clean and get honest, I am not doing so well at the moment. The day you wrote the above post I slipped into active suicidal ideation. I didn't know the warning signs and I didn't see it coming. I took action immediately and was at the Dr's within half an hour. She has booked me in for a mental health assessment regarding a diagnosis of C-ptsd, ( I went private for my diagnosis in my 30s, I am now 51 and it is not on my notes)

As I said earlier in this thread, I didn't want to fully accept my "story", I understand now that I have spent the past few months in particular frantically trying to create a happy ending for myself and my daughter, to no avail. All I have managed to do is lose my mind, and my mental health in the process.

I looked up suicidal ideation on the boards search facility to see if it was okay to share my experience here and found the term Abnegation
Excerpt
Abnegation" is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud. When a person is faced with facts that are too uncomfortable to accept, they are rejected - despite what may be overwhelming evidence.
I can see now that this is what has been going on for me.

You asked "What did you do to be kind to yourself today?" I think the kindest thing I can do for myself today is to face the facts of my life story, to allow myself to feel very sad about it and support myself through that process. Sharing my story here is part of me doing that.

Thank you for being here, for your kindness, love and support ~ Freespirit.

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« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2018, 12:19:50 PM »

Hi freespirit

I am very sorry you were dealing with such difficult thoughts and emotions. I am very glad though you took quick action and went to your doctor. You are going to get a mental health assessment regarding c-PTSD.

When you say active in regards to your suicidal ideation, what do you mean exactly? To what extent were you experiencing active suicidal ideation?

This is a very difficult thing to deal with and getting the right help is indeed very important. Also not an easy topic to talk about, yet it is something other members have also struggled with and your openness and courage working through this, will also benefit other members and non-members reading these posts.

How are you currently feeling?

Was this the first time you found yourself experiencing suicidal ideation?

Though I hadn't posted in this thread before, I still have been following your posts and I am very glad to see you continuing to work so hard on your healing  

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« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2018, 07:47:56 AM »

Hi Kwamina, you said:

Excerpt
When you say active in regards to your suicidal ideation, what do you mean exactly?

The term is from Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. (I have the book but am taking it slow, and have not read most of it yet) This excerpt is from page 7, and I have put the 13 steps with it.

SUICIDAL IDEATION AND 13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS.

Suicidal ideation is a common phenomenon in Cptsd, particularly during intense or prolonged flashbacks. Suicidal idealization is depressed thinking or fantasizing about wanting to die. It can range from active suicidality to passive suicidality.

Passive suicidality is far more common with Cptsd survivors who I have known, and it ranges from wishing you were dead to fantasizing about ways to end your life. When lost in suicidal idealization, the survivor may even pray to be delivered from his life, or fantasize about being taken by some calamitous act of fate. He may even think or obsess - without being serious - of stepping in front of a car or jumping off a building.

Fantasy typically ends, however, without a serious intent to kill yourself. This is as apposed to active suicidality where the person is actively proceeding in the direction of taking her life.

I am discussing passive suicidality because it does not merit the same kind of alarm as active suicidality. Passive suicidality is typically a flashback to early childhood when our abandonment was so profound, that it was natural for us to wish that God or someone or something would just put an end to it all.

When the survivor catches himself in a suicidal reverie, he will benefit from seeing it both as an emblem of how much pain he is in, and as a sign of a particularity intense flashback. This then can direct him to use the flashback management steps in chapter 8.

If however flashback management does not help, and suicidality becomes increasingly active, please call the national suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org because this is a flashback that you may need help managing, and you will get good help there.

Skilled therapists and caregivers learn to discriminate between active and passive suicidal idealization, and do not panic and catastrophise when encountering the latter. Instead, the councilor invites the survivor to explore his suicidal thoughts and feelings knowing that in most cases, verbal ventilation of the flashback pain underneath it will deconstruct the suicidality.

In the much less common scenario of active suicidality, encountering verbal ventilation will also help the therapist or helper discern if there is indeed a real risk and if action needs to be taken to protect the survivor.

13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS.

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

5. Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)

7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

A. Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. *Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain) Breathe deeply and slowly.)

B. Breath deeply and slowly. * Holding the breath also signals danger.

C. Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.

D. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.

E. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8. Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing: Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9. Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10. Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11. Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12. Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13. Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

From Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. Find Pete Walker Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) www.pete-walker.com/

You said:
Excerpt
To what extent were you experiencing active suicidal ideation

I have been experiencing passive suicidal ideation for so long that I didn't recognize when I had slipped into active ideation, until it was almost too late. I can now see that the emotional pain had reached a certain threshold, and created an altered state of consciousness within me. Within this state of consciousness there was a call to action, and an urge to complete the action.

There is a bridge that I have to walk across when I am coming off my walk, for the past few weeks I have been experiencing a weird phenomena walking across it. Its like I am physically pulled or magnetically drawn to the side railings and to jumping off. Even though I have been extremely triggered recently, I didn't equate it with me actually wanting to kill myself. The best idea I could come up with was that the triggering was causing some kind of past life memory of an accident I might have had on a bridge (I think I'm in the slow class) The weird thing is I have been afraid of bridges since I was a little girl, and I have never known why. Maybe it was less of a past life memory, and more of a vision. Maybe I shouldn't walk over the bridge when I am severely triggered anymore.

Thank you for your encouragement in writing this post Kwamina and for your kindness, love and support.



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« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2018, 01:32:27 PM »

Hi freespirit Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Considering the thoughts and emotions you are dealing with, I agree that it probably would be better to avoid walking over that bridge. Did you discuss this specific aspect of your suicidal ideation with your Dr. when you were there?

I am familiar with Pete Walker's work and the concept of active suicidal ideation. I just wanted to be sure that there was no misunderstanding here and was actually hoping though that maybe you weren't actively suicidal. The Board Parrot cares about you, you know

I am very glad that you were able to identify what was going on with you and took such swift action. You are getting that mental health assessment, did your Dr. also offer you some other immediate help for dealing with your suicidal ideation?

The Board Parrot

PS. It's always good to see more people quoting Pete Walker around here
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« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2018, 10:52:27 AM »

Kwamina You said:

Excerpt
Considering the thoughts and emotions you are dealing with, I agree that it probably would be better to avoid walking over that bridge

I agree. Thank you for helping me get clarity around this.

You said -

Excerpt
Did you discuss this specific aspect of your suicidal ideation with your Dr. when you were there?... .did your Dr. also offer you some other immediate help for dealing with your suicidal ideation?

We didn't discuss any specific aspect of my suicidal ideation, and she didn't offer me any immediate help. She told me to come back if it happened again, and to make an appointment for a weeks time.

To be honest, this has given me concerns over getting an NHS mental health assessment done at all. I have tried over the years to stay out of the NHS mental health system for this exact reason, but I do not have the money to go private at this time. Do you have any advise or protocol to follow that might be helpful in going down this road?

PS. Pete Walker is a king, and the blue book his legacy to the world.

Thank you ~ Freespirit.

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« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2018, 01:43:04 PM »

Hi Freespirit.  I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with SI.  I know how difficult that can be to deal with.

I am in the US so I know very little about the NHS.  What I do know is that things have to be a pretty big crisis to get help and I believe SI is considered to be a big crisis.  I am going to ask a couple of people here who have dealt with the NHS to see if they can give you more/better info.

Hang in there.
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« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2018, 02:32:46 PM »

Hi freespirit,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're experiencing.  Finding that your passive ideation had become active must have been scary for you.  Your doctor's response is disappointing.  I live in the UK and have had some experience of the services available.  Crisis teams in hospitals are able to support not only immediately in a crisis but with future planning and referrals.  If you feel unsafe I can recommend attending A&E at your local hospital.  The CPN's I've dealt with have been outstanding.
 
Most areas now also operate on the 'single point of contact' system for mental health concerns and you can self refer for assessment.  Single point of contact involves being triaged and then offered a range of suitable support including referrals to the most appropriate services.  I sent the details of one of these 'specialist triage and referral services' to my brother just yesterday, funnily enough.  He also has been disappointed by the lack of action from his doctor. 

Yes, the NHS can be hard going at times, but someone in your situation will be classed as a priority and I would expect that you'd be seen very quickly.  At the same time, sometimes we must push for the help that we need.  These services are under a lot of demand and if we remain quiet and accepting of returning in a week then even well meaning doctors will assume we are managing OK.  One phrase that I've shared many times when it comes to seeking medical support is 'only squeaky wheels get oiled', so stand your ground if necessary and insist it is urgent you speak to someone.    

Love and light x 
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« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2018, 03:34:38 PM »

I am definitely shifting. I am not where I was.

There is something very powerful about sharing our experiences out loud with those who really get it.

Thank you Harri for your thoughtfulness, kindness and support, and for asking a couple of people here who have dealt with the NHS to see if they can give me more/better info.

Harley Quinn thank you for your kindness, understanding and information. Please can you tell me how I would find more information on  'specialist triage and referral services'.

Thank you ~ Freespirit 







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« Reply #25 on: October 26, 2018, 03:41:20 PM »

Hello freespirit  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm also in the UK. I echo HQ I am sorry to hear what you are experiencing, I'm glad you are here with us. I also have experience of gaining services from the NHS for my now 30yr daughter who was self harming, SI in 2015.

The entry point is difficult, and it's not through GPs in my experience, as HQ say's if you feel unsafe go to A&E, that is what we did and the Crisis Team were immediately put in touch with us, they were wonderful, 24/7 access, on phone, they came to the home and helped put in place a safety plan. Very reassuring.

Once the Crisis Team was in place and the assessment carried out (month), treatment recommended I applied the right amount of pressure (not to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) them off), to ensure we were heard, while we were on the waiting list. 

Do you have a friend to help advocate with/on your behalf.

It feels daunting on the outside of the NHS, I've been there and I'm here to help you forwards with family here.

WDx

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« Reply #26 on: October 26, 2018, 04:06:58 PM »

Quote from: freespirit
Please can you tell me how I would find more information on  'specialist triage and referral services'.

Generally speaking, most hospitals' or local mental health services' websites will have a list of services and often have a further section on how to access.  They may have different names for the single point of access in different areas.  I've seen some called IAPT.  It's worth having a look at what you can find where you are.  What I do know is that all areas have been working on improving the ease of access into the services so there may be changes for the better since you first considered seeking help.   

Love and light x
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« Reply #27 on: October 26, 2018, 04:13:45 PM »

Excerpt
I am definitely shifting. I am not where I was.
This is wonderful to hear but I hope you will still seek help.

Excerpt
and for asking a couple of people here who have dealt with the NHS to see if they can give me more/better info
Wendydarling and Harley Quinn are superstars here! 
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« Reply #28 on: October 26, 2018, 09:21:40 PM »

Freespirit,

Wanted to send you a   today. Some sunshine too, but I don't have a sunshine emoji. How about a happy smile? 

 
Wools
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« Reply #29 on: October 27, 2018, 09:25:39 AM »

Harri, you said -

Excerpt
Wendydarling and Harley Quinn are superstars here!  

I can see that you are right, and I can also see that you are a superstar too, as is Wools, and The Board Parot. Thank you to everyone who took part in this thread, and to all bpdfamily staff for all you do.    

I feel like I have been swept upon by angels. It is impossible to lose hope and be around your guys, you are all so inspirational.  

I have uncovered a hidden, and deeply buried belief around accepting my story. Deep down I believed that if I accepted my story fully that it would own me, and that I would never be free. That is why I needed this to happen, because there was no way I was going near that on my own, I needed to be pushed. That is what this crisis has been for me, a push from the Universe and a kind of deep shamanic death. A death has definitely took place within me, I can feel it. I am not the same person that I was. As the crisis state fades inside me, an acceptance is taking its place, and an inner peace is blossoming.

You guys are living prof that accepting our stories sets us free, not imprisons us. Thank you for your example. I am so happy that this thread will be available for others to access for learning, healing and growth purposes long after the last post has been made. The forum format is wonderful, and bpdfamily is amazing!  

Thank you    

PS. Wools , you said -
Excerpt
Wanted to send you a  Virtual hug today. Some sunshine too, but I don't have a sunshine emoji. How about a happy smile?

I love this, and I love the emojis. I think we need more emojis      
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