Homelessness

[Jenvkm]

Hi all
I believe my 21 year son has BP. He has had a few psychological evaluations and although they have not directly diagnosed BPD the medication recommendations and therapy methods are the same as most treatment recommendations for others with BPD. His biological father from whom he has been estranged for many years was recently diagnosed with BPD. 
My son has struggled with anxiety and learning concerns since childhood but no one could ever help us with strategies to improve things.  I have felt a lot of personal guilt for not finding a solution to his problems. He has been out of control since he was 17. I just want to find a magic solution. I'm getting better about this. Currently my son is not following any treatment recommendations and is unemployed struggling with dependency to drugs and alcohol and regularly faces homelessness due to his impulsive choices. He and his girlfriend were living in  a homeless shelter 3 hours away all summer. They received some help from a social worker to get back to their hometown as there is a housing crisis throughout Ontario. They are living in a motel some ways out of town right now.  They are expecting a child in April.  I have recently been working hard to help them try to stabilize things. We were making a bit of head way. I was providing rides daily to an employment training program and rides to health appointments I helped them set up an apartment viewing for a place that would accept direct payment from social assistance and was affordable. This has been the first apartment that has come up in 6 months of searching that meets their requirements.  There is a complete housing crisis here. They know this. They cannot be placed in any employment with this program while they live so far out of town.  They cannot afford to stay in this motel without jobs. They also know this.
They refused to show up for the apartment viewing.  Knowing what I know now this is not untypical BPD behaviour.  But I am crushed.  Because I have invested so much energy in trying to get their life on track I was so excited about this opportunity.  I now know that I need to re establish my boundaries and step back.  I have communicated this to them and they are angry.  If I leave them to their own devices I am so afraid of what will happen.  Especially to this unborn baby.  Looking for some advice on how to step back and stay sane. What message to consistently send them and also looking for some words of hope. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Jenvkm 

I would like to welcome you and say how sorry I am to hear of what you are going through. I can imagine how you must be feeling after all the help you gave your son and his girlfriend to set up an apartment for them in a time of housing crisis, only for them to not even bother viewing it. Devastating.

You say that you invested so much of your energy into trying to get their life on track, well, now it’s time for you to invest the same energy into your life. You have done the best that you can for them, but you have no control over what they decide to do, you only have control over what you do. Start putting yourself first is my advice to you, look after yourself. I understand that you are worried about them and their unborn baby and that you want to help them, but you need to help yourself first x 

[Merlot]

Hi Jenvkm

Along with Feeling Better, I welcome you here to the bpdfamily.

You have so much going on for you right now and the added worry of the unborn child.

There's a few things that stuck out for me. Firstly the issue of stepping back and stopping ourselves from rescuing our children. The other is how we reapond to feeling manipulated; when they get angry that we havent in fact rescued them.  These are very difficult issues and often entrenched patterns of behaviour.

But it sounds like you recognise this which is great. It is about baby steps and stepping back gradually while you still provide emotional support will be important.

Think about what you will and wont be prepared to do and provide consistent messaging. Hopefully having a child will focus your son on stepping up.

I hope you have good support around you and keep coming to share as we are all here for you as you move through this journey.

Merlot

[Huat]

Hello Jenvkm.  I join Merlot and Feeling Better in welcoming you here.

You wrote... ."If I leave them to their own devices I am so afraid of what will happen.  Especially to this unborn baby."   Being a grandmother myself, my heart goes out to you.  Life situations with these kids of ours are so much easier to handle if they don't have children themselves.

In reading your post, sounds like you are the motor... .and they are in the boat... .not willing to use oars.

You are so correct when you share... ."I now know that I need to re establish my boundaries and step back."  For sure, not an easy thing to do but sometimes that is all one can do.  You are going to need all the support you can get... .and I sincerely hope you feel that support coming your way as you continue to share.

In the long run, it is you who has to make decisions and you who has to live with whatever aftermath follows.  With that said, I want to say that I found it so therapeutic to put my fingers on the keyboard and pour out what was in my heart.  Thoughts swirl around in our minds but when we see them in writing it can help to sort out what needs to be done. 

It helped so much, too, when I would read the responses to my posts... .so comforting to find others are listening and, because they would be on similar journeys with their children, more qualified to validate my feelings and offer their support.

Take advantage of all the information available here, Jenvkm.  Do your homework because it will help you to become more and more empowered.

We are here for you, Jenvkm. 

Huat

[Only Human]

Hello Jenvkm and welcome to the family 

You've come to the right place for support. I've only been here a short time myself but man oh man do I wish I found this place sooner.

I can relate to much of what you've posted - the energy spent trying to get things stabilized for your son. My daughter's therapist, when she was an adolescent, told her, "I'll work my ass off to help you but I'm not going to work harder than you do." Wise words, and I remember them today because I, like you, did all I could to help my daughter (25) and my grandson (4). I was afraid, like you. I'm still afraid. But I'm learning to take care of myself and to let her experience the consequences of her choices. Tough love, indeed!

I agree with FeelingBetter, "now it’s time for you to invest the same energy into your life." Posting and reading here has really helped me. There's an overwhelming amount of information here, go at your own pace.

~ OH

[stepmom123]

My BPD 21 year old stepdaughter has had 2 babies.  Both were given up for adoption.  If she had kept them the children's lives would have been hell.  My husband almost enabled her to keep the last one but I put my foot down that I would not be raising it and he finally agreed she was not capable.  This children are in a wonderful home and have a great shot at life.  So my advice to you is to think about any help you give them now that might enable them to keep this child.  I am not pushing either way, but your actions may enable them to keep it or might make it to where they have no choice but to give it up.  My SD didn't even have enough money to buy a carseat for the ride home so there was no way she could have left that hospital with the baby.