Asking to move in with us

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Well, that was short lived. I had a voicemail and a text from her this morning. She essentially said everything went bad, she has nowhere to go, she doesn't want to move in with us but can she? She said she's here to grovel. Sorry about everything that happened. After she was cruel to us and we tried to buy her a condo to live in. She also didn't call my husband, which means she knows he would say no and she thought she could manipulate me.

It's so clear that she's just using us at this point. She claims she's clean, and been doing therapy online (yeah, right). And she got fired from another strip club because she got in a fist fight.

Thankfully my best friend is here and she helped me craft a response. Here is what I ended up responding:

"I love you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. At the same time, we aren't able to help you anymore. We've reached our limit with bailing you out. I suggest looking into treatment centers that are free or a homeless shelter if you're not willing to get treatment. After that, if you get further treatment for your psychological issues, including borderline personality disorder, we may be able to resume a relationship based on mutual love and respect. Lately you've been cruel and we aren't willing to expose ourselves to that any longer.we will always love you and hope you can take responsibility for the direction of your life. If you want to contact us please stick to text or email."

I feel like throwing up, my nerves can't handle this anymore. I really debated whether to say that she's borderline, but I am pretty sure she knows on some level, and it's not like I have anything to lose at this point.

This is horrible.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh Hyacinth!

It is up to each of us to know our own limits and set boundaries.  I would say that you have gone over and above in all you have tolerated from your daughter.  There is no doubt in my mind that this response of yours to her has been well-thought-out and very clear in its message.

I'm glad your best friend is with you right now, giving you support.

Keep us posted Hyacinth Bucket.  Stand firm... .and harbour no guilt.  There are times when tough-love is the best love.

{{{HUGS}}}}

Huat

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you Huat   that means so much to me. I took a screenshot of your note so I can keep rereading it.

[Gorges]

I agree, harbor no guilt.  You really can't change someone. I think we take them in fearing what will happen.  My fear was happening right under my roof and that fear is what lead me to take my daughter back in.  Again, do what makes sense for you to maintain your own health and sanity because I think they are going to do what they are going to do.   

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Gorges,

Thank you, I agree. She's clearly desperate, and all of my worst nightmares for the most part have ready happened. We've told her repeatedly she can't live with us. I'm a little surprised she'd ask.

How are you doing?

[Only Human]

Hi HB,

Hugs to you. And great job sticking to your boundary of not helping unless and until she's in treatment. Your response is really great - you love her, you won't tolerate her mistreatment anymore, you're open to resuming a relationship in the future under certain conditions. Bravo!

You're right, it's horrible and I'd feel like throwing up too. You are doing great, keep it up!

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Only Human,

Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear that from people on this board, who are there in the trenches. So appreciate the encouragement and support. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I waited until I was at therapy today to check my messages again. I had like 8 texts and 6 emails. It was all over the place. She denied being homeless (despite her request yesterday to stay with us), she said she was drugged and thrown out of a moving car (that definitely did not happen), she said I might be borderline... .she actually said "I know I've  been toxic and terrible to you, but this isn't you." (Meaning the fact yhat I'm cutting her off.) And she said she thinks the only way to get me "back to normal" is for her to cease all contact with me. She still wants to bring stuff back to us that we gave her

I crafted a short pleasant email saying I was sorry to hear about her terrible experience and I hope she was seen by a doctor and filed a report. And to please not worry about bringing anything to us.

Anyway. I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would. I think I'm feeling like I've regained some control over my life. And also that we might actually get some peace. As long as I stick to my boundaries, which I absolutely will.

And my friend left with her dog today so I'm no longer watching a third dog.

[Huat]

Good for you, Hyacinth!

Her words to you... ."this isn't you"... .seems you got her attention. 

Nothing to say this is ever going to be a smooth ride, Hyacinth, but sure is nice to get the feeling of being empowered... .in control of oneself.

I sincerely hope this change in you will start bringing about a positive change in her.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you!

Huat

[Daisy123]

Hello HB,

Just wanted to give a shout out of support. It seems you’ve come to the edge of your limit it’s time you take care of you!

I was wondering if your d had ever been in treatment or therapy? It’s interesting she said you could be the one with BPD. It’s also interesting that she was no longer homeless.

What I’m really cheering you on is you taking control and having the opportunity for some much needed calm.

We should think of a list of our rights, as parents.

All the best!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Daisy,

Thank you!

My daughter had many therapists while she was in foster care. She had one when we first adopted her but after a while she stopped going and hasn't seen anyone in the last three years. She's had a lot of different diagnoses and though BPD hasn't been one officially, two different therapists told me she had "BPD tendencies." She reads a lot about mental health and is very smart so she's generally familiar with all the different disorders.

My therapist said she's had a lot of borderline clients tell her she is the one who is borderline, that it's part of projecting.

I think she's either lying about not being homeless, or she convinced someone to take her in, which never lasts long. But her response certainly wasn't as bad as it could have been, and she kept saying she's worried about MY mental health, which yes, it has greatly suffered. She is trying to take her version of the high road, which I recognize and appreciate. It shows we did teach her a lot because she was incapable of that when we adopted her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi HB 

And another shout out  of support here.

Oh my, I'm so proud of you HB!   You've directed her to where she can get the help she needs~professional help, the help we can't give as parents. It's the kindest thing to do for you, for her, right now. The very kindest, loving thing.

Daisy, you made me recall this, it's in the 'what can a parent do' lessons pinned at the top of the board. What do you think?

POLL: Parents' Bill of Rights

So pleased to hear the barking dog's gone home and you can continue to restore the much needed peace to your home as you recover by taking care of you.

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Wendy,

Thank you so much!

She emailed me again today, and said " I know you're mad and you think I have a personality disorder, but here is a cute video you need to see... ."

I archived it. She is trying to make things instantly go back to the way they were. The words from her text message "I know I've been toxic and terrible to you... ." keep repeating in my head. Acknowledging it just isn't enough anymore. I'm scared she's going to email me every day. I'm going to filter her emails into a folder so that I can check them less regularly. But the guilt is already starting. Ugh.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I really like the Parents Bill of Rights! I printed it out. Thank you for sharing.

[wendydarling]

Pin it up HB, my kitchen is full of wonderful resources and messages from parents.

Oh, I was so wanting to say that, two weeks ago, your DD wants everything to be as was. It is no longer, she's on a different learning curve now. A healthier one, as you lovingly, gently stand firm.

Continue to stay in wisemind HB, archive, archive.

Breathe  

I've learnt when we let go of our fear for others, we are released.

Have faith, be strong  

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

She emailed again and said she lied about not needing help and not facing homelessness.

She pretty much said (paraphrasing) "I don't want your help, but I don't know how to help myself." And that because she's desperate she would agree to see a psychiatrist.

I wrote a draft reply and asked my best friend for feedback. I sent her a link to the Job Corps, which she qualifies for and would give her free room, board, and job training.

I also suggested she find a treatment center. I told her she still has insurance and we won't pay the copays but she should be able to work out payment plans if she wants treatment. We can't take her off our insurance until the end of December.

She said she doesn't want to forgive me and wants to help herself.

[Only Human]

Hello HB - here's another hug   You are keeping your boundary, you are pointing her in the direction of ways to help herself. I'm glad you have a best friend beside you. How are you feeling with all this? When I'm in the thick of things, my emotions are all over the place.

"She said she doesn't want to forgive me and wants to help herself." Well, one out of two ain't bad =)

You've really been on a roller coaster ride recently - I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi OH,

I just replied to your post. Yeah, my emotions are also all over the place. Anxious, worried, trying not to feel guilty, also relieved that I am not caving. The idea of her being homeless is horrifying but she has had every opportunity to not let it get here. Including, you know, not treating us horribly and telling us she'd rather be homeless than accept help from us when we were in the midst of buying a condo for her to live in.

It's such a stupid situation. I just hate seeing her sabotage herself over and over again. But nothing we've done has prevented that from happening. I mean, she ran away from her paid for apt last year and ended up homeless in another state.

I'm sick of always being anxious and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm also dreading how she will respond to my latest email but I also don't have to read it if it's abusive.

[Only Human]

Yes, thank you for the reply and for directing me to The Parents Bill of Rights.

As sorry as I am that you are going through this tough time, I'm grateful to have your post to read, our current situations carry many similarities and I'm strengthened by your resolve. You are doing the hard work, not caving is so hard, but you're doing it.

BPD and self-sabotage go hand in hand. I hate BPD.

[Only Human]

I forgot to say, it was a brilliant decision to have your phone number go to google voice. I know the feeling of seeing a text or call come through and that sinking feeling, not wanting to answer or read. By taking this action, you're taking control of that, protecting yourself. I'm learning from you.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Well done for not caving in HB, I'm glad to hear this brings you some relief   You've shone the light on your situation, everything you've offered in good faith is sabotaged, sending you in a spin.

You've kindly suggested two priorities, jobs corp, treatment to help herself.

I think you're wise to give yourself a break from email/text, you need rest bite, you can't change anything.

Are you taking next week off work?

Hang in there.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi WD,

Thank you so much for the continuous encouragement. No I decided to go back to work, I actually love my job and have a lot of friends there, and I have no access to personal email there so I'm not tempted to check. It's nice to be busy and not think about it so much. I did drop one of my classes though to reduce my stress and it has definitely helped.

OH, your words mean so much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It can feel so lonely dealing with this, knowing that my posts help you somehow fills me with gratitude. You are doing the hard work, too. It's terrible and I know it will get better as we reclaim our lives and ourselves.

All of the hugs to you

[Only Human]

"I know it will get better as we reclaim our lives." Thanks for this and for supporting me in your thread. I'm really glad I'm here.

I'm glad you love your job; it makes things so much easier. Years ago, around the beginning of my daughter's troubles, I was in a job I hated, my dad was dying, and things were just miserable all around. It's great that you have a lot of friends at work. Keeping busy, as well as not having the temptation to check for incoming correspondence from your daughter, sounds like it will be good for your mental health.

Are you sleeping well? I hope so.

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi OH,

I have been sleeping better than I was, for sure. I think exercising more has helped a lot.

That sounds terrible with having a bad job and your dad passing away. When we first adopted my daughter I had the boss from hell and it really added to the stress exponentially. I think it was easier to handle when we first adopted her, though, because it was all behavior (pushing boundaries, etc) we expected, and there was a lot of hope.

My husband had a BPD (!) boss for a year and a half, he finally quit over the summer. That plus our daughter was unbelievably awful. He said he would get waves of panic anytime he thought about work or his boss. I asked him how it got better and he said time. I am experiencing the same thing; racing heart and waves of panic that feel like they wash over me. But it's happening less at night which is good. I am trying really hard to make myself only check for messages from her when I'm in my therapist's office, which is Tuesday. Both checking and not checking make me panic! But I suspect as my husband said, time will make it improve.

Hugs! 

[Only Human]

I'm really glad to hear you're sleeping better and that the physical manifestations of your stress are decreasing at night. How (un)fortunate that your husband had some experience that you can benefit from.

I'm hearing a lot of self care in your post... .exercising, ensuring you have support when you check for messages is awesome.

Keep on keepin on,  HB, you're doing amazing.

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I'm so surprised and relieved! I checked my messages from DD in therapy and I only had two short emails. The first was from yesterday, she was telling me that without her ID she can't go to a homeless shelter (I really don't think that's true), and basically saying if I didn't help her get an ID she'd be on the streets. The second was from this morning saying she sold some furniture and had the money to pay for her ID, and asked if I could send her the link to the website to get it. I responded with the link and suggested she go in person instead, and she immediately responded saying she'd already done it and that she should be out of her apartment tonight and that our stuff should be  returned tomorrow.

I really think a part of her is relieved. I know she was deeply conflicted and ashamed that we helped her so much and she felt like she didn't deserve it.

I am so relieved.

[wendydarling]

HB

Relief indeedie. 

She's thinking ahead by the sounds of it, what her real options are, now the responsibility is hers.

Small steps. From my understanding of jones' experience shelters support one get out of the hole you're in if you accept help.

How is she returning your stuff? Leaving it on the doorstep?

WDx

[Only Human]

 

[wendydarling]

 

 

[once removed]

hi Hyacinth Bucket 

some good developments here. what do you do in terms of positive reinforcement?