Broken and giving up

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone.
I first discovered this site 9 years ago and I posted on the odd occasions. I used to read many of the posts here over the years and it really helped me to gain an insight into my relation with my BPD husband.

I've been married 17 years and last 9 have been particularly turbulent. We've been through the break up and make up cycle several times and each time it would leave me devastated and having to pick the pieces. I've got 3 children with him and it started to affect them emotionally and I would feel so torn between loving this man so deeply and wanting to be with him, and trying to do right by me and right by my children.

We've been separated for 2 years now and he has been so mad at me because I've refused to play his games anymore. Over the years, through this website and discussion forum, I gained strength to set boundaries and of course, he resisted each time. We are going through divorce now (initiated by him) and it's left me so torn up... .It's come at a really difficult time in my life: my father has a progressive illness which means he only has a short time to live and my middle child (14) tried to take an overdose after a period of being bullied at school.  I'm a teacher and I work long hours to try and provide for my children. The divorce just tipped the balance of what I can cope with.

I'm really really struggling to come to terms with the fact he never loved me and all my years of sticking by him meant nothing. I tried not to let it eat away at me by understanding this disorder. I just can't not take it personally and the pain I feel due to losing my dad, losing my husband and dealing with a child with serious mental health issues has left me completely utterly broken. I've resisted getting depressed for years, but finally succumbed after experiencing huge grief. There are days when I've felt suicidal and yesterday I opened up about this to a friend. And stupidly, I hold on to the crazy hope that he won't go through with it. I'm terrified of how I'll cope when the divorce does get completed.

For last 6 years I tried to break the co-dependency but it's been an exhausting journey. I don't have any fight left in me. 17 years of my life were spent trying to make  this relationship work. I don't think I can ever recover from the heartbreak and the lack of closure. He has refused to acknowledge I exist and uses NC as a form of punishment against me... .that has been the hardest part. I went NC for some time but he has maintained it far better... .

People on this forum will know only too well what it feels like to be left completely utterly broken by these relationships.

I'm reaching out. I'm saying I'm hurting so much and I just don't know how to recover from this. I can't even begin to put into words the pain I'm feeling right now.

[sidmoumane]

Hello everyone.
I first discovered this site 9 years ago and I posted on the odd occasions. I used to read many of the posts here over the years and it really helped me to gain an insight into my relation with my BPD husband.

I've been married 17 years and last 9 have been particularly turbulent. We've been through the break up and make up cycle several times and each time it would leave me devastated and having to pick the pieces. I've got 3 children with him and it started to affect them emotionally and I would feel so torn between loving this man so deeply and wanting to be with him, and trying to do right by me and right by my children.

We've been separated for 2 years now and he has been so mad at me because I've refused to play his games anymore. Over the years, through this website and discussion forum, I gained strength to set boundaries and of course, he resisted each time. We are going through divorce now (initiated by him) and it's left me so torn up... .It's come at a really difficult time in my life: my father has a progressive illness which means he only has a short time to live and my middle child (14) tried to take an overdose after a period of being bullied at school.  I'm a teacher and I work long hours to try and provide for my children. The divorce just tipped the balance of what I can cope with.

I'm really really struggling to come to terms with the fact he never loved me and all my years of sticking by him meant nothing. I tried not to let it eat away at me by understanding this disorder. I just can't not take it personally and the pain I feel due to losing my dad, losing my husband and dealing with a child with serious mental health issues has left me completely utterly broken. I've resisted getting depressed for years, but finally succumbed after experiencing huge grief. There are days when I've felt suicidal and yesterday I opened up about this to a friend. And stupidly, I hold on to the crazy hope that he won't go through with it. I'm terrified of how I'll cope when the divorce does get completed.

For last 6 years I tried to break the co-dependency but it's been an exhausting journey. I don't have any fight left in me. 17 years of my life were spent trying to make  this relationship work. I don't think I can ever recover from the heartbreak and the lack of closure. He has refused to acknowledge I exist and uses NC as a form of punishment against me... .that has been the hardest part. I went NC for some time but he has maintained it far better... .

People on this forum will know only too well what it feels like to be left completely utterly broken by these relationships.

I'm reaching out. I'm saying I'm hurting so much and I just don't know how to recover from this. I can't even begin to put into words the pain I'm feeling right now.

[OrionLeonardo]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with so much right now. I can only imagine how strong you. I'm not exactly sure what you are giving up on. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate. Do you have a counselor for yourself or your children? Have you thought about taking a personal day off work, maybe with the kids, and just escaping for a while to somewhere quiet where you all can spend time together? Rest and rejuvenation are important aspects that I think in this society we live in is so easily overlooked. Given what you said about your middle child it sounds like you aren't the only one who could use a break.

I hope this helps.    You are not alone

[Chitchat]

And stupidly, I hold on to the crazy hope that he won't go through with it. I'm terrified of how I'll cope when the divorce does get completed.

If it's a crazy hope, then maybe, just maybe, you will wake up one day when it's over and feel immense relief. Maybe you will be grateful for a day without being torn between him and everyone else.

But being a teacher working long hours can't make anything easy. What subject, level?

I wish you all the best with your children and your father.

[Sirnut]

Hello sidmoumane,

I’m sorry to hear all this. Lack of closure is a terrible thing. When someone uses NC/ST as a deliberate punishment or as a way of ending a relationship, it is cruel and deeply disrespectful. No getting round it. You can’t change it but it’s a terrible thing to have to deal with, I know it, and it’s the thing that hurts most - this person you loved doesn’t now seem to care enough, or respect you enough, to even try to say something that might help. Not even a dignified goodbye.

Please try to remember that this is a reflection on your husbands character, not yours. But I know that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

None of this is fair to you, but if things continue as they are you are going to have to find a way forward on your own, and you are going to need some ongoing support. It’s good that you have a friend you can confide in, and of course you can use these boards.

Please don’t be ashamed to ask for the support you need wherever you think you might find it - whether family, friends, professional or faith based. In my experience the availability of support when I was falling apart has been so much more than I imagined before I started to ask for it.

SN

[Mutt]

Hi sidmoumane,

Im sorry that you’re going through a very difficult time. I’m glad that you turned to us for support you’re not alone.

Id like to echo everyone else you have a lot on your plate right now and the divorce can’t come at a worse time for you. I think that lack of empathy and selfishness from a pwBPD hurts like hell at times like these in life.

You’re in the right place someone else mentioned counselor, do you have a T or a P?

[Tosquinha]

Hello sidmoumane,

I’m sorry to hear all this. Lack of closure is a terrible thing. When someone uses NC/ST as a deliberate punishment or as a way of ending a relationship, it is cruel and deeply disrespectful. No getting round it. You can’t change it but it’s a terrible thing to have to deal with, I know it, and it’s the thing that hurts most - this person you loved doesn’t now seem to care enough, or respect you enough, to even try to say something that might help. Not even a dignified goodbye.

Please try to remember that this is a reflection on your husbands character, not yours. But I know that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

None of this is fair to you, but if things continue as they are you are going to have to find a way forward on your own, and you are going to need some ongoing support. It’s good that you have a friend you can confide in, and of course you can use these boards.

Please don’t be ashamed to ask for the support you need wherever you think you might find it - whether family, friends, professional or faith based. In my experience the availability of support when I was falling apart has been so much more than I imagined before I started to ask for it.

SN

So then, I wonder why WE use NC at the end of a relationship with a person with BPD and it's not considered cruel and disrespectful? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sid, I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  It sounds like you are looking for something from your BPDh that you are unlikely to receive.  What would you like to see happen?  It's hard to tell from your post.  What are your gut feelings about your marriage after having been separated for two years?  What's stopping you from moving on?  I suggest you turn the focus to you and your needs, by being kind and compassionate to yourself.

LuckyJim

[Chitchat]

So then, I wonder why WE use NC at the end of a relationship with a person with BPD and it's not considered cruel and disrespectful?

Hi Tosquinha

Yes. NC is cruel by anyone.

In my case the chaos and drama were such that I requested a fixed period of NC. It was a last stand against abuse and an emergency measure to sort work. I inflicted real pain. And I was not blameless.

Chitchat

(Result: discard)

[Tosquinha]

Hi Tosquinha

Yes. NC is cruel by anyone.

In my case the chaos and drama were such that I requested a fixed period of NC. It was a last stand against abuse and an emergency measure to sort work. I inflicted real pain. And I was not blameless.

Chitchat

(Result: discard)

For me personally, if I had not gone NC, she would still be pestering me today about her very skewed idea of how this ended.  Everything was my fault according to her, and frankly, I wouldn't be able to handle conversation with her.  I did tell her last conversation that I was simply not able to hear her right now, that I was upset, feeling betrayed, but she continued to make it about something it wasn't about.  I told her to come at me again in a couple of months when I've calmed down some, but to not contact me until then.

Sorry to hijack this post, though.