It was hard for me to reach out and I'm so glad I did

[Harley Quinn]

Hi readers,

When I arrived here I read the boards for a few weeks before I posted for the first time.  There are a number of reasons.

Firstly, I was desperate for answers.  I read EVERYTHING on the site, from posts to articles, workshops, tools and lessons.  I didn't feel ready for a two way conversation at first, though I was enormously grateful to everyone who was sharing here as I finally felt less alone. I didn't feel like I had anything to give.

In addition, my low self worth had me believing that nobody would respond or be interested in anything I had to say.  I was deeply depressed.  

I was overwhelmed by everything that had happened and was still happening to me at the time and felt like I would be betraying my partner by speaking of it - I was still in the FOG

My partner was controlling and violent, I was isolated, anxious and felt like I had no voice any more.

I felt like a failure in the relationship and felt a degree of shame around having accepted such extreme and abusive behaviour.  I was worried about being judged.

The difference between reading and reaching out

When I finally decided to post here, I wished I had sooner.  Some of my doubts and worries were instantly removed when I received a warm and understanding welcome.  I wasn't judged.  Instead I felt immediately less isolated when others who had also experienced violence shared with me.

I found my voice and began to feel more like myself again after being reduced to someone who no longer recognised themselves.  It was such a relief to pour the words out of myself and very freeing.  I was able to contribute to others' healing journeys and feel like what I said made a difference to someone.  I found that putting forward a suggestion or sharing an experience that was helpful to someone made me feel more positive.  

A sense of connection.  Not only did I receive direct answers to my questions from others with lived experience, but I felt a sense of safety and security.  A feeling of connection and belonging taps directly into our soothing emotional system which has huge benefits for our wellbeing.

Validation that I didn't get elsewhere.  I was under heavy criticism from family who didn't understand the situation and I'd cut myself off from most people in my life.  The other members here didn't need a lengthy explanation about mental illness, BPD or the drama and chaos in my life.  They knew what I was going through.

The realisation that every post is helping someone, somewhere, sometime, because whilst there may be some similarities, each of our experiences is unique and seeing others' posts that sound close to my own experience has helped me enormously.  Therefore sharing our stories matters to others.

Aside from anything else, there are some seriously kind, compassionate, loving, generous and amazingly strong people here.  It's a pleasure to be a part of such a special community.  

What caused you to post here?  Did you read first or jump right in?  If you didn't post right away, what held you back?  What benefit do you feel you get personally from sharing here?  

I'd love to hear your thoughts.  

Love and light x

[once removed]

i was in a really bad way. it had been a few months for me, and i was still in a great amount of pain and anxiety, full of questions and ruminations, and with no clear path forward, in some ways getting worse.

i learned about the disorder in a similar way most of us do (googling stuff), but also by accident. my ex was diagnosed bipolar, and in my search i abbreviated bipolar disorder as "BPD", and nearly fell out of my chair when i saw what i did.

and then i quickly realized there were support groups for this kinda thing, and how i sure could use one.

i agree with you big time about the difference between reading and reaching out. you dont become a part of a community by just observing them through your window. so many of us report being or feeling isolated, both physically and emotionally. with that reach out, you become connected to something bigger than yourself, and that in and of itself can have a powerful healing effect.

[Mutt]

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thanks for sharing that, very nicely said I want to touch on a couple of things that you said about your support network and invalidation. I had always felt invalidated by my family my divorce and our family breaking up was huge and I don't think that they could relate with the scope of that even if my ex were a non I wasn't in the mood to be invalidated by them this time because I knew that this was a serious rupture and it was pain that I had never felt on this scale before I knew that I needed help.

I was just wanted to point out that sometimes family and friends mean well, they just don't know what to say but they mean well. I do believe that my FOO meant well but it was the way that we grew up with an invalidating parent that was passed on.

Did you read first or jump right in?  If you didn't post right away, what held you back?

I lurked for about a week or so I learned about BPD after we broke up so I was searching online I found online forums one I had to register to be able to see the board I thought it was strange how it was like a gated community and the others I felt like were bashing pwBPD I was really angry and hurt, I was married to her and never felt like she wasn't a person. I was lurking to see what this community was like and what caught my eye was two way compassion compassion to members and compassion for pwBPD that felt more realistic to me it felt like it suited me so I decided to join.

What benefit do you feel you get personally from sharing here?

It was a game changer for me I was in the worst predicament in my life with no support and no one believed me I knew that there was a way out of that mess I didn't pray to god often, I prayed this time. I feel lucky because I can't fathom what life would be like if I was still attached to her and had to co-parent with her without the help that I received here. I'm really grateful for the current and past members help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HQ, Thanks for your thoughtful post.  I agree w/Once Removed and Mutt: I was extremely isolated until I found this community.  No one I knew had ever heard of BPD.  In fact, I was doubtful at first that my BPDxW suffered from the disorder.

My T suggested that I review her copy of SWOE.  At first I thought, No Way.  Then I thought, Could Be.  Finally, I had to admit to myself that it fit my Ex to a "T."

I started here on Bettering, then moved to Conflicted, only to end up on Detaching and Learning.  It was a long journey.

I lurked for awhile and was scared to post, because I was still reluctant to admit that I was actually dealing w/BPD.  Meanwhile, the pressure continued to build until finally the dam broke and I shared my story here.  It was, as Mutt notes, a game changer.  The members of this forum were so kind and supportive during an incredibly difficult chapter of my life.

Posting here was the start of a long healing process.

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

I have good friends, but absolutely no one who understood how devastating this was. Of course the therapist and the counsellor I saw later did, but I craved people who had been where I am. It extended what they were saying and gave me more personal hope.

Well worth it.

[OrionLeonardo]

What caused you to post here?  

I was definately in a place where I needed someone other than my therapist to hear me. My T is great and all but I go for very different reasons than why I post here. I needed average people not one trying to evaluate and help me.

Did you read first or jump right in?  If you didn't post right away, what held you back?  

I did a lot of reading first. I had done reading on many other sites for months prior to being directed towards this site. I actually got told about it from someone close to me who had similar experiences with their ex and had found this space.

What benefit do you feel you get personally from sharing here?  

Validation that I didn't get elsewhere.

Harley, you seem to say it best. The validation. The compassion for the whirlwind feelings. The people who reached out in those times when I was on the edge. The sharing of experiences that we are often made to seem crazy and that it is not normally 100% truth. That their truth, our truth and the actual truth are all different.

I honestly don't know where I would be without the amazing and non-judgemental support I received here.

 

[mama-wolf]

What caused you to post here?  Did you read first or jump right in?  If you didn't post right away, what held you back?  What benefit do you feel you get personally from sharing here?  

HQ, thank you for posting this.  It prompted me to go back to my first post, think about what a dark place I was in, and reflect on how this site has helped me.

It was my uBPDxw who brought up the possibility of co-morbidity of BPD with her other disorders (anxiety, depression, adult ADHD) back in early February of this year.  From there, both the PA managing her meds and my own T independently recommended SWOE to me, which is how I found this community.

I had never related more to a description of experience than I did to what I read in SWOE.  And when I came here, I was reading words and scenarios and feelings written by others that I could easily have written myself.  I didn't wait long at all to post... .I think only a day or two after joining the board, mainly because I had so much bottled up.  I was only seeing my T for an hour every other week--except when it was really bad and I went once a week--and I had no other safe space to get it out and try to figure out what was going on.

The anonymity here lets me overcome my own reluctance to share things about myself or my history that even still get in my way in my therapy sessions.  Sometimes it's a matter of knowing we only have so much time in a given session, trying to identify what's most relevant/important, and prioritizing what I bring up.  But I also know some things I just haven't been ready to dig into in person.  I'm working on that part, and being part of this community is helping me do that.

I started out in the Bettering board, transitioned through Conflicted, and am now working on Detaching.  I keep coming back because of the acceptance, understanding, and absolutely the validation found here, in addition to the helpful perspectives, ideas, and advice. 

It also helps me to reach out and offer what help I can to others going through the same or similar experiences.  I have found doing so reminds me of the great advice and support that others have offered me, which helps me internalize it further.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for everyone's replies.  You've all made some really good comments and I'll get back on all of them yet.  

It is good to know that others have found this place to be so valuable and the difference that has been felt from becoming a part of this wonderful community.  It is the people here and the compassion they show one another that makes this place tick.  Every post to let another member know that we hear them is so important to more than just the member themselves.  There are many out there who, possibly for some of the reasons I listed and potentially many more valid reasons, are not yet ready to post.  I hope we can help overcome some by sharing here in this thread.

so many of us report being or feeling isolated, both physically and emotionally. with that reach out, you become connected to something bigger than yourself, and that in and of itself can have a powerful healing effect.

I agree and you've also caused me to realise that in reaching out I gave myself a reason to feel proud of myself for breaking the wall of silence that surrounded what I was experiencing.  That was the first major step towards healing for me because putting it in writing meant accepting my reality.

I was just wanted to point out that sometimes family and friends mean well, they just don't know what to say but they mean well.

That's so true.  I think unless you have experienced first hand what it is like to be in a disordered relationship, it is impossible to imagine not only the experiences themselves but also the deep emotional impact that we can suffer.  Speaking to others here helped me to feel more 'normal' somewhere.  There really is no comparison to a regular breakup in my experience, so the standard support from those who know us at home just doesn't often hit the mark.

So, if you're reading this and haven't yet introduced yourself, or are unsure what to say in your first post, how about dropping by and just saying "Hi, I'm here"?  We will welcome you with open arms.

Love and light x

[once removed]

my friends and family were pretty understanding and helpful... .for a while.

they ran out of things to say, and i ran them pretty ragged. its good to have a community of folks that have been there, and folks that are going through it.

[Mutt]

my friends and family were pretty understanding and helpful... .for a while.

they ran out of things to say, and i ran them pretty ragged

Every post to let another member know that we hear them is so important to more than just the member themselves.

I like how once removed use ragged to describe it that's a good word I felt like I was trying to explain things twice when I talked to people in real life first I would tell them a scenario which made no sense then I would explain it again from a BPD perspective which ran me ragged it was emotionally draining. I had to tell m story because of how sudden and shocking it was it definitely felt like a traumatic event and I was turning to people that were close to be searching for answers.

What I also really like about the members here is that people believe my story right off the bat whereas in real life what would take the credibility out of my story was when they would ask if she was diagnosed and she wasn't then family stopped listening to me. I never thought about it as BPD traits which makes sense but they still wouldn't believe that today if I changed it from undiagnosed to traits.

It killed me that everything was being blamed on me, my uBPDexw would blame me for everything and family and friends would say well you must of done something to deserve that and I think that the feeling like I'm going crazy part was partly because of how my uBPDexw would change her story every time I asked it was also the lack of support at every turn, family, friends, social workers, doctors, etc... .

To add to what mama-wolf and Harley Quinn say about support and community it's like everyone talked the same language and automatically got me without having to justify myself constantly like I had to in real life, I dropped all of the support that I was seeking in real life with BPD with family and friends and focused on that here and relied on their support for different things. Even today when there are BPD things happening in real life I come here help someone it helps me forget about it.

[Harley Quinn]

I was extremely isolated until I found this community.  No one I knew had ever heard of BPD. 

Thanks LJ.  I also found that others in my life hadn't heard of BPD and based on my experience of a partner on the extreme end of the spectrum (that was isolating in itself) it was further isolating and alarming to me to not have anyone with any knowledge to consult.  The site felt like a safe haven where answers lay and others understood the disorder.

I lurked for awhile and was scared to post, because I was still reluctant to admit that I was actually dealing w/BPD.

That had to be very difficult for you.  Especially if you had no signs at the start of the marriage.  I know how much I doubted my own judgement in a previous relationship which was unhealthy and it took me many years to take my concerns seriously enough to warrant extracting myself.  With my dBPDex I was lucky that the research I'd done previously had caused me to come across information on BPD and when he admitted he had 'personality disorder' I quickly began to understand what I was experiencing in his behaviour.  I'm glad that you reached out and benefited from doing so.  It can feel like a big step and that one step can be the start of a path that leads us to improvements in our lives, whichever board we start on here.

Love and light x    

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Harley Quinn,

Like you, when I found this forum, I was desperate for answers.  I also read everything I could trying to understand what was happening in my relationship and why.

I knew that my friends didn’t get why I didn’t just leave or be quiet about it.  But, the members here did get it.  Reading the posts of others was helpful and so many of the stories were so similar to my own. 

I read for a few days and then posted.  I really liked that the members weren’t judgemental, but were understanding.
This forum has helped me through many tough times. The replies to my posts in the most difficult of times have helped me remember that I am important,  valued and deserving of good treatment.

   Sharing has helped me to be more open and allowing myself to  be vulnerable in an effort to be understood.  Learning how to write my thoughts and feelings in an honest way has resulted in more openness and authenticity in my face to face communication, too.

Replying to others has been a blessing, too.  To be there for others, just like so many members have been there for me when I really needed it, has been rewarding.

Finally, I love being a part of this supportive community.  It is truly a community.

[Cromwell]

Hi Harley Quinn

What caused you to post here?

JNChell and reading what he was going through as well as other posts that I came across and started to get an uncomfortable itch feeling of my life is somehow being replayed back to me vicariously through others. It was uncanny and equally surreal to the point where eventually joining became almost a natural move to make.
 
Did you read first or jump right in?

I read here and there for a few weeks whilst mostly reading other BPD articles on other sites.

  If you didn't post right away, what held you back? 

I was in disbelief and denial. Deep down I knew I got myself out of my depth, consciously I was still hoping that id wake up the next day, the planets would align favourably, and this so called BPD problem would have evaporated itself away. I wouldnt need a support community, the relationship would be fine, if only I worked on a few minor flaws.

cheated on repeatedly? she always returned, I just need to adapt and break down some of those silly old fashioned values I once held on to.

Stalked? She just loves me so much she cant bear to not know what im up to every second of the day, who im talking to, what im doing; I should tolerate this, it isnt an Orwellian style nigthmare that my old values have rebelled against - i just need to adapt to the idea that this form of love is all enveloping, that she is rightfully omnipresent, the centre of my world - those people on the support group just dont know that they should be abandoning their prior sense of self in order to immerse fully into another.

What would these people know how to help me, they wouldnt understand or comprehend if I relayed a fraction of my life to them? Just like that therapist I had, with her contrived demeanour, tv presenter style haircut and an endless mind numbing list of stock textbook rehearsed phrases to punctuate anything I tried to relay, "how do you feel about that?" stuck in some loop with the equivalent of being in a room with a parrot.

arrogance held me back big time. My first post here meant - i believed - hand me a victim label, one of the last labels id ever want to embrace. I didnt want to give her that tribute of achievement. That first post though was the hardest of them all, the first precarious step towards turning this convoluted mess around from being about her to being about me.

I still struggle at times that anything I do for myself, including therapy, is linked towards a feeling of self indulgence that im not important enough to receive.

Theres nothing that I know, that hasnt already been discovered - nothing about my life experience that hasnt been played out elsewhere, from joy to suffering - ive got nothing supposedly to contribute. So why bother to bore anyone with my inherent lack of being able to deal with a "deranged" little twerp, who I should have never spent more than a few nights with let alone 3 years - I had only myself to blame for the situation I found myself in.

Every smart, sound of mind, emotionally secure friend I had, told me to leave her, my parents were aghast by her, I expected to hear the same from this group, some did. Shari Shreiber told me to "run" not "walk" away. Id expect plenty of therapists would have said the same.

I wanted to prove each and every single one of them wrong. An unhealthy form of self destructive defiance locked me in.

[Long_term_dad]

What caused you to post here?  Did you read first or jump right in?  If you didn't post right away, what held you back?  What benefit do you feel you get personally from sharing here?

I came to the site years after buying the "Eggshells" book, the reading of which was revolutionary for me. Still, I didn't come to the site (I think reading "Eggshells" was a bit like touching the 3rd rail, and I needed time (years) to digest it).  When I finally came to the site it was after re-reading (listening on Audible) "Eggshells".  At this point I was ready.  I guess I grow in stages and need time after each to prepare for the next stage.  When I came to the site I read around a bit to get my bearings, and then after a day or maybe two I posted an introduction.  Within a day I had several replies and that alone broke down the wall.  I knew I wasn't alone.  Just that realization  helped and everyone's small and large comments, and invitations to continue sharing, helped me.  There have been some specific actionable suggestions about how to deal with one thing or another, but mostly it's been the sense of community here that has been helpful.  I also make an effort to give back by welcoming new people and responding to people, new and old I suppose, when they post.  I know that sense of not being alone is powerful.

I am very grateful for the group.  Thank you for being here.

[I Am Redeemed]

I posted here because I literally had nobody else in my life (other than my MIL) who had a frame of reference for the absolute chaos and abuse that I had experienced. There was no one else who had a person in their lives who did the things my uBPDh did. I could not even begin to describe the scope of what I experienced with him in a way that people could fully comprehend what I was dealing with.

I was desperately searching for answers. Going in to the relationship, I knew he had issues, but so did I, and I believed that since we were both in a twelve step program on the road to recovery, that we could help and support each other and grow together, getting better all the time.

Gradually I saw that my ideally vision was not coming to pass. As the years went by and the crazy got crazier, I realized that I was not just dealing with a substance abuse disorder, or domestic violence, or emotional and verbal abuse, or immaturity, or depression... .it was all those things and yet it was something else... .

If I even tried to explain how uBPDh acted, the things he did or said... .I couldn't even articulate it... .and then I found this site... .and it was a lightbulb moment.

Here were people who had been through stuff so similar to my experience that it was both frightening and a relief simultaneously.

I read through a lot of the articles and posts, and then I sent out my first tentative message in a bottle. And I remember being surprised that I got a response, because I felt so isolated and down trodden that I thought I would stay that way.

But I didn't, and it's because of the people in this community.

Gradually I felt that I could respond to other people on their posts. Something I learned in AA was the paradox of "I can only keep what I have by giving it away", meaning that helping others helps me too... .which is how this support community works... .and I thank God for it.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Redeemed for your reply.  I'm glad you had your MIL who understood what it was like to be a part of the world you found yourself in.  As you know, there are similarities in our stories.  I still struggle to express exactly what it was like for me to be in that place.  I feel I was dissociated a lot of the time and felt like I was living an alternate reality to everyone else whose life was 'real'.

I felt so isolated and down trodden that I thought I would stay that way.

These are powerful words to read because I focused on the word 'felt'.  It is a reminder to me of feeling the same way and the degree to which that feeling has changed.  Gathering that strength at such a time is so very hard, to put ourselves out there and speak to the void that is cyberspace, hoping someone might hear us.  Boy am I glad that we did.  I'd love to hear how you are feeling today in contrast to that time.

Love and light x