I feel stuck. Not sure how to handle my sadness

[Long_term_dad]

I’m feeling sad.  I feel sad cutting my BPDwife off.  I am sad for her sadness. She calls me a lot and expresses her feelings. I am not in love with her any more and have told her that, but I do care about her and love her - just not in "that way".    I don’t want her to drift out there and feel alone in any way but as much as I want to reach out to her in some way, to make things better for her, at the same time I have learned that even the slightest encouragement sends her the wrong message.  Thus I really don't share a lot of info about my feelings at all.   If I were to express my sadness to her, she would think I might want to get back together.  I feel stuck.  I am not sure how to handle my sadness and my sense of wanting to make things better for her.  Any suggestions?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Long_term_dad,

I’m sorry for what you are going through.  Maybe we can share some insights because   I am somewhat in the same spot and it’s been a lonely road for me.  It is sad to end a relationship that was once so important.  In the book How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist in Your Life... .the author gives this advice if  you are sure you do not want to continue the relationship “If you are clear that you do not want to be in the Caretaker role at all, then there is little benefit for you or the BP for the two of you to continue contact. Interactions with the BP are so difficult that neither of you is likely to find it enjoyable.”

I have been trying to make things better and fixing things for so long, that it has been tempting for me to try even though we no longer live together. It is difficult, but I am hopeful that taking myself out of the role of making him feel better may help both of us.  

What are your thoughts?  

Mustbe

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi LTD,

I am in the same situation. I have had to end contact with uBPDh and I am considering divorce. His behavior has become too toxic for me to safely continue contact, however I feel sad because he desperately still wants the relationship... .even though he is abusive to me. I have endured so much from him, yet I am worried about his broken heart, not mine.

There is nothing I can do for him anymore. He refuses to be accountable or accept treatment, and at this point I have to realize that I can not fix this problem or make it be OK for him. That's hard, and sad, but I have to radically accept that he is who he is right now and also accept that I have to take care of me... .no one else is going to... .and I can't take care of him.

It's very difficult, but we are here to support you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Mutt]

Hi Long_term_dad,

I'm sorry that you're going through this, you have a 33 year history with your STBX it's not easy cutting off someone that you cared about you have the right idea by coming here and sharing your thoughts I hope that it has helped you.

“If you are clear that you do not want to be in the Caretaker role at all, then there is little benefit for you or the BP for the two of you to continue contact. Interactions with the BP are so difficult that neither of you is likely to find it enjoyable.”

His behavior has become too toxic for me to safely continue contact, however I feel sad because he desperately still wants the relationship... .even though he is abusive to me.

I have to agree here we encourage not to share anything personal act indifferent, that's coming from your side it's still coming in from the other side personal information, feelings etc. the roles have changed I don't mean that you can't be civil with her some divorces are less dramatic and less chaotic divorcing a pwBPD is hard. I would suggest if you can't cut her off because you have to communicate with her the divorce then I would suggest minimal contact.

As I previously mentioned your role has changed it's going to take time to adjust to that, are you talking to a T I was talking to a T once a week around the beginning of my seperation and it felt like it put wind in my sails and I could continue for another week. I also suggest reading the material because you're still in the fog I read guilt in your words when I felt sadness I'd read the material I read it many times but understanding why she behaves the way that she does helps keep you grounded.

How do you feel today?

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[Lucky Jim]

I am not sure how to handle my sadness and my sense of wanting to make things better for her. 

Hey Ltd, The bottom line is that you can't make things better for her; she has to do it for herself.  You can be supportive and point her in the right direction, but in my view you can't make it better for her.

As to your sadness, I suggest you allow your sad feelings and acknowledge them as they arise, then let them pass through you.  It's sort of like a lightning rod that conducts the electricity and discharges it into the ground, where it gets diffused.  That's your task, I submit, to be like that lightning rod and let your sadness pass through you.

LJ

[once removed]

how are things going since, LTD?

[Mutt]

Hi Long _term_dad,

How are you feeling? Any plans for the weekend?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LTD,

Would you say your sadness is mostly for your wife or are you allowing yourself to also feel the sadness arising from the loss of what you had previously?  Seeing someone we care about struggle with this disorder is so sad and that's really hard.  At the same time you can feel sadness for yourself.  Even when we exit a relationship because we know it's not healthy for us, there is a natural grieving process.  What have you tried so far to help you to work through these feelings?

I hear you wishing you were able to help your wife through this.  Of course you care about her and want things to be as easy as possible for her during this time.  As has been stated by our friends above, the only person who can make her life easier is herself.  In fact, having the full experience without a buffer is an opportunity for her to adjust, stand on her own two feet and learn ways to cope and manage that she may not have had to learn before.  

Who is making things easier for you?  You are.  You're doing what you need to do to help yourself, by reaching out here for support and by doing everything else you are to meet your own needs.  That is also her responsibility to herself.  I can totally understand wanting to try to give her a soft landing (I've been there) however acting on that would not do yourself or her justice.  You both need to heal and focus on your own lives individually.  There is no harm in maintaining friendly communication if that is comfortable to you, and giving yourself some boundaries around what is yours to own and what is hers to own is a plan to think about.  What do you think?

This video is a good overview of how to help a person with BPD.  If you've alredy seen it, perhaps it will serve as a reminder that your duty of care is to yourself.  Perhaps you could set aside some time alone to allow the sadness to be accepted, have a good cry and then go focus on something else that is positive for you?  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320732

It's OK to hurt LTD.  At the end of these relationships there's a great deal to process and loss can hit us despite us making rational choices to leave the dysfunction behind.  What you're feeling is part of the healing process.  Embrace it.  It carries you forward.  

Love and light x