Oh,
Conflictedlover, I really really feel your pain here. Quick backstory: I went through much of what you're describing myself when I decided to end my marriage of 11 years (we were together 15), and we have two kids. Let's break this down just a little and see if we can help get you through to your next appointment with your T... .
It hasn't been good for a long time and I am extremely unhappy. I was in the conflicted or just tolerating it chat last week and decided that I just can't do this anymore. I am shot emotionally and mentally I am breaking down.
I think it's a very good thing that you are recognizing the impact that this relationship is having on you, and you are resisting the damage. As of about a year ago, I had gotten completely emotionally burnt out. I'm not sure if you find yourself carrying most of the mental, emotional, and even physical (caregiving) responsibilities in the relationship, but I did. I ultimately realized that I was not in a partnership... .I was just giving everything of myself for very little return, and even very little awareness of just how much she took all the time. I was so unhappy for a long time, but it took a lot of effort for me to finally recognize it.
It's important that you have acknowledged you are unhappy because it means you recognize that you
deserve to be happy.
The guilt however is killing me. We live together and have 4 pets. The only other place she has to go is back home to her abusive mother. And I know she will think that no one can love her, that she doesn't deserve love or happiness and that no one cares as soon as I break up with her.
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of
FOG. There are tools here that can help you with that, such as the link I included. Those tools can help you identify and deal with these feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt that we nons struggle with almost constantly in our relationships with pwBPD.
The guilt really is hard, and shame is even worse. For me, the two have been so intertwined and both need to be addressed. Brene Brown breaks the difference down as guilt = "I did something bad" while shame = "I am bad." Guilt can have it's purposes to help motivate different actions--assuming it's appropriately placed guilt and not imposed on us by the expectations of others--but shame is where the real damage to our self esteem happens and really has to be addressed, too.
I promised her love and safety and now I am just going to take it all away.
I want her to be okay but I know she's not going to be. And she is suicidal and she self harms often and I am so scared something is going to happen to her.
Something to remember here... .your pwBPD is an adult who is responsible for her own well-being (which includes her own mental health). You are responsible for yours. You are not responsible for how she feels about a decision that is entirely yours to make, nor are you responsible for what actions she takes as a result. While we all understand here that pwBPD have challenges with this, they are ultimately still responsible for managing their own behavior.
Healthy boundaries can be a tricky subject in general, but especially for nons. Our pwBPD will violate those boundaries, whether consciously or not, in service of getting what they need and want. What is important is that you identify what you need to be healthy, happy, and whole, act accordingly, and establish the limits of what behavior you will allow yourself to be around.
I haven't been sleeping or really eating since I made this decision and I don't see my therapist for few more days. And I am just not in a good place right now. I don't know what to do. Or maybe I do know what I have to do and that's why it is so hard.
The anxiety was really bad for me when I made the decision to separate and started moving in that direction. What are you doing for self care these days? Do you exercise? Meditate? Even just go for a walk around the block? One thing that really helped me was to make actual plans/arrangements (and even some back-up plans). I started researching my financial options, calculating impact of the reduced income, planning for the actual date I would tell her and what I would do immediately afterwards. While the decision and implications were painful, it really helped me to focus my energy on reducing some of the uncertainty.
While you may not know quite when you will tell her, how do you think you will do so? With a friend present to help mitigate her potential reaction? Maybe identify one or two friends of hers to potentially call so that they can come provide her support immediately afterwards as well. I don't know if she has any history of destroying your belongings, but you might carefully and subtly make sure any of your most valuable things are safe and secure somewhere else. Maybe put plans in place for the pets to be cared for and you get out of the house for that night, too.
It's a very tough thing to go through. I'll be thinking of you and watching for updates... .
mw
