Oh boy here I go

[MasterEnabler]

I just wanted to say thanks for everyone in this community. After 27 years of marriage, so much of it spent trying to figure out the rules that would allow me to avoid angering my wife and eventually coming up with the "just be really careful" rule or "keep your distance" rule or "don't say too much" rule, I did the unthinkable: I fell in love with another person and had a two-month affair. After a year and half of trying to make amends and earn forgiveness, it feels like I just handed my wife more ammunition and justification for calling me selfish, a liar, a failure, a mansplainer, mean, cruel, and on and on. I have tried hard to be more honest with myself and my wife without blaming her for what I did—it was my choice and it was wrong. I just know that I don't trust her emotionally and it's getting worse. I want to do the right thing for her and for me, but I have so far failed to get her to decrease her drinking or admit that she delivers too much anger and hatred to me for us to have a close relationship. I feel guilty about what I did, and I know I should have addressed the things I needed directly, but I also understand why it happened. We had a therapist years ago who encouraged me to tell my wife that I felt some affection for another woman. I was NOT trying to have an affair, I just felt so lonely. When I told my wife, she developed a bitter anger that persisted for two years, and made fun of me. I lied to myself and told myself I had nowhere else to turn. I knew I needed love. My wife began to snore, and when I left the room, she said I thought she was fat and ugly and didn't love her. Then I started depriving myself of sleep, saying I would wake up 5 times before I would leave the room. Talk about enabling! Reading about BPD, it seems clear to me that I have taught my wife that my value to her is as the person she can "be herself"with--that is, I have no boundaries she is bound to respect. That, to her, is trust. But to me it is a formula for my total loss of self. I don't know what I'm asking. I have so many other stories. I am just trying to decide if Mount Everest is now Mount Impossible because of what I have done. The unfortunate truth is that I still need the things I got from my affair. I would love to get them from my wife, but I am almost out of hope that such a transformation is possible.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I can relate to much of what you said.  I often found myself doing whatever it took in a 24 year marriage to keep the peace, and existed without boundaries, and also without making good headway on the problems. 

You've done a great job of recognizing the situation you are in and some of the basic problems.  Let me suggest a paradigm shift.  Instead of looking at effort in front of you as effort to save the marriage, then wonder if it is possible or worth it, look at it as effort to save yourself.  To learn healthy ways of relating to a woman.  Try it first with your wife.  Perhaps you will be able to save the relationship, but no matter what, if you can make healthy changes in your behaviors you'll know you did your best, and if it doesn't work, you'll be in a better position to have future healthy relationships.

To learn more about boundaries as we teach them here, visit this page on setting boundaries.  In what areas of your relationship is the lack of boundaries most problematic for you now? 

RC