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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Chinese girl coming to the ancestral family home  (Read 608 times)
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« on: November 02, 2018, 07:08:45 PM »

So far so good my mother and her seem to love each other you make him very special attempt to be good to my mother energy is very good we shall see
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« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2018, 09:50:35 PM »

Man dudes no answers. girl was charming beyond belief, innocently happy to meet my mother, not an ounce of tension between us. She asked to pose for pics with my mom, was super solicitous (helped her up, etc), said about ten dozen times how happy she was tonight. Why? You invite me meet mother she so nice so happy to meet her, she is so beautiful etc etc etc. Basic talk about life whilst I cooked. I was curious at some point when I went to the kitchen if she'd follow and BADAM there she was. Didn't reach for her given everything. But again 'so happy tonight thank you so much to meet mother'. We stare at each other. "I'm so happy to see you Carolyn". "Yes me too. You come to me in Chengdu?" "Yes I come to you in Chengdu". Otherwise nice innoucus conversaton over dinner, we toasted each other a few times and she held eye contact over the entire glass/toast. No idea man. I didn't push or bring up a thing.

Just figured I'd let the energy flow, my mother tell stories they loved, I noticed she was very observant of me helping my mother up, refill glass etc but SHE was too. She'd get up and help my mother down the stairs, and noticed each thing I did too.

Not an ounce of artifice or anger. My mother can't pick up anything except that she seems utterly genuine and not a player at all. I gave her a lot of space physically so she couldn't tell anything there but said she doesn't buy at all she was playing games or messing around in October.

At one point I walked into the kitchen to check on food, was curious to see in fact if she'd follow. Figured not since she was almost in the crook of my mother's arm at this point but gadamn if she didn't follow me in. Glowing. Still gave her the space. "Tonight I am so happy". "I am glad you are happy of course. What makes you happy?" "I got to meet your mother tonight. I like her so much" "I am glad. I am so happy to see you again" "I am so happy to. You come to me in Chengdu" "I come to you in Chengdu" We left it at that.

I walked her down with her very nice friend/translator as she went back to queens where she is staying until she leaves. Another you come Chengdu, no invite for going away, no discussion of where we are at, how we communicate, etc.

She texted me a great thank you. HE texted me that it was probably the nicest night has spent in the STATES. Clearly they are ubering together that is a subject of conversation.

No idea on next move my idea is it is hers. I think we resestablished chemistry, she affirmed mutliple times how very happy she was to meet my mother and how much she liked her and her invitation to Chengdu. I'm sitting on this for a bit.

My mother can totally see why I like her; not an ounce of artifice,genuine, no vanity, helpful, kind.

So far not a word about anything that went awry or letters or s*** like that but maybe doesn't need to be discussed. I really really like her as a person. I think she really really like me as a person. Hard to express how nice that simple relationship feels and I guess we'll see.

At some point I'll likely propose Skip's great idea whilst taking full credit for it; let's get to know each other through handwrittten snail mail letters, translated by a human being. I think this core... .LIKING... of each other at our core can turn into something. But for now damn it is just nice to like another living human being.
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« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2018, 10:36:29 PM »

Dudes part 2. Got follow-up message; I very much invite you tomorrow night to Chengdu food just you and me together. And I truly wish you come stay with me in my home in Chengdu.

All for just letting things unfold as they did. I'll tell you I have dated my own share of women from lust to love and in between but this is only the second woman I've met where I've just been blown away by how much I LIKE her. Such an underappreciated thing. I was looking at her talk to my mother and that was the voice. Not damn I can't wait to get her in bed or man I love her just simple and overwhelming 'Wow I LIKE her'. I think we should all hope to just fall in like more often.
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« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2018, 03:56:46 PM »

Having dinner tonight at our favorite authentic Szechuan place. First time alone on a date in a month, and her idea/offer to boot. Came right after the Mom Dinner which thought was our last time together before she goes.  Just her and I, not her translator friend, no other couples. I can't see where it is a 'goodbye dinner' or even a 'lets be friends dinner" after the joy she expressed at meeting my mother and the 1/2 dozen 'You come to me in Chengdu' and "I look so forward to you coming to my home in Chengdu". Again plan is to just take it easy and light and if she wants to talk, define, refine I'll be open to it. I will however and in any event tell her 'my' idea about starting to exchange real letters between us which I find both romantic, far less prone to computer mistranslation, and far less prone to  quick-draw reactions. I'm thinking that if part of her friend's son purpose at dinner last night was to report back to his mom on 'is this guy any good?' that his text to me afterwards: "that was the most wonderful time I've had since I've been in the States" would portend a good review
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« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2018, 04:13:55 PM »

would portend a good review

I would not assume this was a covert operation.

Again plan is to just take it easy and light and if she wants to talk, define, refine I'll be open to it.

Good plan. Be very careful not to over read the situation or to assume too much.  

I think it is now very clear that something happened at the beginning or the month and she shut down.

1. You don't want to trigger any of that again. I think "breaking up for cause" is a much bigger thing than you realize. Saving face is really important and it is not looked upon as an passing event, it is looked upon more as a scratch in the furniture. The important thing is to not go there again.  I might be wrong, but do you want to take that chance?

2. I would see this more as a cautious opening up. This is great.

"that was the most wonderful time I've had since I've been in the States" would portend a good review"  

It's a positive comment. I wouldn't extrapolate it beyond that. Asian's are very polite and gracious and very much about saving "face".  Southerners do this too. Remember, you are an an elder and he is showing you respect.

I will however and in any event tell her 'my' idea about starting to exchange real letters between us which I find both romantic, far less prone to computer mistranslation, and far less prone to  quick-draw reactions.

Letter's are romantic. Do you have someone that can do this that is confidential? Knowing how much she respects your use of her language, do you want to do this more as a gift - surprise her with a translated letter before she leaves or just after she leaves?  Do you want to leave it up to her as to how she responds?
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« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2018, 04:45:48 PM »

I would not assume this was a covert operation.
I wouldn't go as far as 'covert'. I'd go as far as her friend likely has much interest in who this guy is and, covert or not, he is reporting back.

Excerpt
I think it is now very clear that something happened at the beginning or the month and she shut down.
I think it is clear that her biggest concern, not having met my mothers is the issue. He was clear to me it was a huge one. She was clear all night and in multiple texts how happy meeting her made her.

She also led off with my mother discussing how hard she works, how she studies English until 10pm then starts working on her second business in China which requires her to be working with 12 hour time change and how tired she is. I think it was a clear message to me (and possibily my mother they would assume knows something about this) that she was indeed working her butt off and not blowing off their son.

Clearly I could have mis-read everything; she was thrilled about having a month with me, she got busy, invited me to Shen Yu the next week, had her elder friends all tell me how much she liked me and how much she appreciated me and I over-reacted the next week.

I think way more is/was at play then my 'break-up' and she is not s-ing me that she was insanely busy those two weeks (as her weChat log shows).

I read last night as "I thought you didn't want me to know where you lived or meet your family and I am so happy you wanted me to and did and so happy to find out it fits with everything I thought about you".  I can discern between politeness and joy

Excerpt
1. You don't want to trigger any of that again. I think "breaking up for cause" is a much bigger thing than you realize. Saving face is really important and it is not looked upon as an passing event, it is looked upon more as a scratch in the furniture. The important thing is to not go there again.  I might be wrong, but do you want to take that chance?
Not sure where I am taking the chance or implied I would be. I think the break-up or reprimand even is water under the bridge. She has now invited me in one evening and a follow-up to come to her home and to be with her in Chengdu at least 6 times. When I say "It is so good to see you again" and she says "You too. You come to me in Chengdu?" I think we are well past it. In any event, the only way to 'go there again' would be to jump down her throat. I'm simply going to dinner and enjoying her. She clearly made some decision during and after dinner to extend the invitation to (finally) be alone with her ("just you and me!   ") and follow-up with yet another invite to come live with her.

Excerpt
It's a positive comment. I wouldn't extrapolate it beyond that. Asian's are very polite and gracious and very much about saving "face".  Southerners do this too. Remember, you are an an elder and he is showing you respect.
"Thanks for such a nice night the food was great and your mother is charming" is a positive comment. "the most wonderful night I have since I've been in the states" is far more than that. It allows for some extrapolation at least ;)

Excerpt
Letter's are romantic. Do you have someone that can do this that is confidential?

He is the only Chinese person I know and would not want to put him in the middle, especially since he is not impartial. I'd probably hire someone.

Excerpt
Knowing how much she respects your use of her language, do you want to do this more as a gift - surprise her with a translated letter before she leaves or just after she leaves?  Do you want to leave it up to her as to how she responds?
I don't mind leaving it up to her as I'm 99% sure she would respond quite favorably. That said I think your idea is excellent and a much more eloquent way to make a case for the whole idea anyway. So I'll draft a letter, have someone translate it, put it in a sealed envelop and likely I'll then ask him if he has a way to get it to her (w/o warning her first). She has moved out of her building and is with friends and I don't yet have the address of her home that she has now invited me to come stay with her at at least 25 times since I met her  But good idea Skip!
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