Annoyed but trying to stay calm...

[once removed]

this is the Bettering or Reversing a Breakup board 

lots of members on this board are trying to reconcile a relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hopefulbutlost17]

monday morning quarterbacking wont help you too much right now, i know, but if the two of you arent together (or even if you were), checking her phone, policing who she is or isnt with, comments about her seat... .its pushy, insecure stuff. ive been there, acted on it, and pushed a lot of romantic prospects away with it myself.

youre in kind of an anxious position because you want to be together, but right now, the two of you are friends that fight a lot, and cuddle some.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, its going to require first breaking the cycle of conflict (ive said it before, but the two of you fight a lot and i think each of you drive it about as much as the other), and approaching this from a place of strength and security, understanding that right now, even that may not bring the two of you together. shes a single gal exploring her options. one response to that is to be the most attractive option, but its not a guarantee.

the question before you is, are you really and truly up for that? theres some risk here.

have you heard from her since?

I get what you’re saying... I think the insecurity questioning does come from an anxious position. I want a clear answer on what she wants with me. She wants the best of both worlds and I’m not willing to give her that. God forbid I do the same thing she is doing (living my single life). I’ve noticed that when I do, she gets jealous and throws it in my face or makes comments. I know the best solution is to not react to the comments. Like you’re timned before (if she gets mad let her and don’t react to it) but it’s difficult sometimes. Especially when we are cuddling and I’m trying to give her my attention and she’s on her phone. It’s annoying. So yes, I get how I can come off looking insecure to her.

I am for doing what I can to get her back and look like the most attractive option for her, but with my dignity.

We go to the same church. I hadn’t been there in a couple of weeks but a friend of mine was dedicating  his new son and invited me to celebrate (so happens to be at the same church she goes to). I went, sat with my friend and his family and saw her. We did see each other but played that whole “I’m looking at you but as soon as you try to make eye contact with me I’m turning away” game. Silly, I know. After that, she did message me about an hour later asking to speak to me for a few minutes and that she wouldn’t bother me after that. I didn’t answer cause I was having lunch with a friend. But then She FaceTimed me and I answered in the car. She asked if I could recommend someone to help her with a hw assignment that I had been helloing her with (it’s familiar with my line of work) and she dropped a comment. Her: since you use the excuse that I just use you, is there someone else you can recommend that can help me with this assignment? Me: yes, there is. And I gave her the number of one of my mentors (who she happens to know as well). After that she blocked me (mind you, I hadn’t been blocked since we fought last week until yesterday) no idea what that means. Why block me if you haven’t all week long? That’s about it.

I know holidays are the most difficult and if she were reach out again, I’d be there. Especially since her family dynamic is a bit messed up. I miss her and want her back but not at the cost of my self worth and dignity. I understand her disorder is not necessity her but like you said, I need to break some cycle. And I want to.

[once removed]

she blocked you because shes immature and she fights like an immature person.

and frankly, you did a good job of not taking the bait or trying to argue with her about it. more than likely, she will get over it pretty soon.

the question is, assuming she does, will the relationship get over this hump, and become something more, will it shift to a friendship with "friends only" boundaries, will the two of you go your separate ways, or will it stay in this holding pattern and/or get worse until something gives.

if its the former, what i said still applies. dignity, to me, means confidence. it means youre not threatened by whether or not shes talking to or seeing other people. it means you have a vision of where you would like to see the relationship go, and the initiative to lead it in that direction. it also means accepting that may or may not happen, and that there is a certain risk youre prepared to live with.

if its a friendship, things are probably going to look a lot differently, it will probably mean distancing yourself in certain ways and on certain levels, shifting to "friends only" boundaries. she may react to that with clinging a bit, and youll have to be steadfast and firm in the face of that pull... .even when/if she begins to distance herself as well.

whatever path you choose, and none of them are easy, its going to take commitment, and steadfastness.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Thank you Once Removed!

You’ve reassured me that I’m making the right decision In not giving in to her little bait. It’s difficult, I won’t deny it, but at the same time I believe it shows confidence like you said. I have noticed a pattern or tests from her and I feel like it breaks her cycle (which she doesnt like) but this time I see it in hopefully a positive way. However, i do know there will be setbacks as well. I’m happy to have found this family because it reassures me and helps me with my situation and shows me that I am not alone. You’re advice and my counseling have helped me become self aware, confident, and mindful.

I’m continuing with my counseling and loving every minute of it. My friend is a counselor as well and she has also been my voice of reason when my main counselor is unavailable to me in the exact moment. Breaking the cycle is tough when you’ve done it for so long but I feel stronger, more confident, and gaining the ability to stop myself from taking her bait, engaging in JADEing, etc. I hope that one day all this will end up in my favor, even though it’s risky. We shall see how the rest of the week goes with Thanksgiving coming up.

[once removed]

keep us posted.

a whole lot has gone down in just a few days. keep your support group in the loop 

[spero]

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Warmly,
Spero