Detaching from failed relationship

[Harlygirl]

How do I say goodbye ?  ... .Trying to detach ... .So that I can heal and move on ... .But BPD exbf is still trying to reach out through third parties to re-engage communication with me ... .I wish to end this ... .but want to do it the right way ... .Hopefully to diffuse the situation ... .And not trigger ... .or escalate ... .or cause more pain ?  What is the best way ?

[hope2727]

Hello and welcome. I am sorry you are struggling with your situation. There are many wonderful people and lessons here. I think the lesson on extinction bursts might be a good place to start. That and the one on detaching with love. In the meanwhile what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have a strong support network? Do you have a therapist for yourself? Can you tell us more about your situation?

[Harlygirl]

Hi Hope ... .and thank you ... .I do have friends and family who are supportive ... .Not in therapy though ... .Currently am trying to separate and detach from exBPD bf ... .And focus on my own healing... .But have received calls and texts from some who are letting me know that BPD ex bf is asking them, to ask me, to reach out to him ... .Since I have an Order of Protection in place to restrict his being in communication with me ... .So confusing for them ... .I know ... .And I'm trying to stay focused on myself ... .but find myself having to explain why ... .For all involved ... .That it isn't the right thing to do to encourage engagement with BPD ex. ... .  Should I stay firm in NC ... .Or reach out to him to secure closure in communicating that ... .the relationship is over? Does that even work to secure closure ? Really confused at this point ... .

[spero]

Hi there Harlygirl,

How are you doing? I understand somewhat from your previous posts that you've been in this for 3 years, and things have escalated until you and your daughter's personal safety has been compromised. I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that.

Let me break down your questions.

How do I say goodbye ?  ... .Trying to detach ... .So that I can heal and move on

There are well, two branches you could consider, first would be to do closure without your BPD exbf, and the second is to well is to respond to him which may set off its own chain of events... .to which you then need to ask yourself, ( if i did reach out just to say good bye, would you then have the capacity, will power, strength knowing that it can be rather unpredictable... .especially should your BPD exBF choose certain drastic actions.

I am unsure of the laws in your country, and since you've apply for a PPO with your local law enforcement, would it be to your discredit should you reengage him on terms which are not professional, (ie, returning important documents or lets say filing a divorce, which in that case would usually be done with the help of a lawyer. )

But BPD exbf is still trying to reach out through third parties to re-engage communication with me

I am rather concerned about this, what you've mentioned above is potentially a source for triangulation, or rather, your BPDexbf has resorted to getting others involved in this past relationship. Issue is that your friends would hear very conflicting stories about what is happening and perhaps, be forced to even take sides, which would be perhaps to your disbenefit unless your friends have known you for a long period of time and know you well enough to discern conflicting accounts about you.

Should your BPD exBF be resorting to mutual friends, this to me indicates a certain degree of desperation, and perhaps fear of abandonment. For you to step in and address your friends individually might be emotionally draining and especially when you have to do it repeatedly trying to explain your side of the story will use drain your capacity to address more pertinent issues. 

I wish to end this ... .but want to do it the right way ... .

Harlygirl, i see that you're kind and even considering his feelings and well being at this moment. Unfortunately i don't have a good answer for that. There isn't a right way because each person's symptoms and triggers are unique. One is either walking on eggshells or just stepping into a sort of mental minefield. I am curious if you still feel a sense of fear, obligation or even guilt when it comes to moving on. Our heart will not always agree with our mind, we aren't always compelled to do what is good for us, I have been in NC for almost a full year and i still miss my own uBPDexGF.

For you to move on, grief is a process. Take as much time as you need, and during that time, feel all you need to feel, grief all you need to, and do what is necessary to care for yourself. There will be the regrets, there will be the what ifs. I suppose for you to move on, its good to first ask ourselves the question, where am I right now? That would be a good starting point. I know not all of us have access to good psychotherapists, but if you do have access to healthcare benefits, i recommend a few sessions.

While your friends may give you support and care, it is still difficult for them to understand your situation with depth and clarity as they are either unaware or have not personally experienced that kind of emotional harm it does to a person. It's been almost a year for me, going through grief even with support, and recovery is still and ongoing process for me. So, Harlygirl, do be kind to yourself and to your little one. Do take good care.

Yours,
Spero

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Harlygirl:  I am not going to speak to your questions by giving you my opinion.  I'd prefer to tell you my story and let you draw your own conclusions:

I was physically abused by my undiagnosed BPDX.  I was too young and inexperienced with personality disorders to even know what the issue was, but it was extreme highs and lows when we were together.  I got several orders of protection, and each time, I violated them, which in my state invalidated them, for the benefit of the person whom the order was against.  I agree with the laws... .if I needed to be protected, what was I doing violating the protection I was given, for any reason?  I say that in retrospect, but unfortunately, I kept going back to "talk" with my ex, and every time, due to my lingering feelings for him and wishful thinking that things could have been different, I ended up back in the relationship only to do another "round" with him.  By the time it was all said and done, I had many broken body parts and was accidentally pregnant and... .had put 8 years of my life into it... .and probably worst of all... .I was SO traumatized by what all had gone on in those 8 years that it took me not dating anyone for 3 years before I wasn't fearful (something out of my control, because I did try to date). 

So, there is my story, and based on my experience with someone I needed protecting from... .right now, my opinion of my own story is, I wish I had not put it on myself to do any more talking after the first event of violence... .but certainly, at some point, I should have allowed the police to protect me and let him work out his feelings with whomever.  As for the people in my life who questioned why I was leaving him... .there were none, BUT... .my now self would not hesitate to simply state that regardless of whatever they're thinking, the first time he put his hands on me, it became a toxic relationship, and I should take care of myself and let it go... .end of discussion.  My BPDX was an amazing communicator and I have no idea how he would have painted our story to others, but broken bones don't lie... .and I did myself no favors when I didn't put myself first.  It was me not doing that that caused the 3 years of non trust of men, which really turned out to be I didn't trust myself to take care of myself enough to love me more than the man who put his hands on me and pushed me into a corner screaming at me for hours on end... .had I done that, I would have felt a lot more confidence knowing I could trust me with my emotions... .for myself OVER anyone like that.

Again, I am speaking about my story then and how I see my story now.  I am not offering you any advice, or an opinion... .and likewise won't judge you if you dont see your story the way I now look back on my own. 

[hope2727]

Hi again. I think you are getting some great responses here so I am going to keep it short. I DO NOT think you should reach out. There is no closure but what you make for yourself.  Formulate a short response when people ask you to contact him that is neutral and firm. Something like "thank you for your concern but I was forced to seek a protection order due to domestic violence and I want no further contact with him. Please don't bring it up again."

Get a therapist ASAP.

Google extinction burst (there is a great video on it)

Google Karpman Triangle or triangulation.

You got the order for a reason. His end running it is  a HUGE boundary violation. SO disrespectful.

No contact is for us to heal in safety and peace. Don't let him take that from you.

If you break the order and contact him it looks really bad to the courts. People who want safety don't break their own orders. Protect yourself and your family. He is a grown up and can get his own help and closure. Its not your circus and not your monkeys any more.

Ok sending hugs and courage

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi have a "hi again, " too.
It's been many years since my situation, and some of it I am just now figuring out, since my daughter was dx this year with BPD... .and I now can see that this was what my ex had... .and so I do ruminate and am figuring out some of what happened with a much better understanding, and honestly, getting the closure I need... .because for years, I was just really angry that it all happened... .and couldn't understand most of it.
I am coming back to say this one thing I left out of my story:  When I kept breaking the protection orders, it is a FACT that the police stopped protecting me, which put me in much greater danger.  Then, the courts wouldn't sincerely prosecute, because I had gotten strong enough to allow charges, then would go to court and not testify or not go to court.  This put me in so much danger than my psychiatrist screamed at me one day that I was going to end up dead in a trunk... .I didn't listen soon enough, and it almost happened... .literally.

It took a very long time for me to process the violence and abuse as it was, and I was in NO STATE, when it was all going on, to make good decisions.  THAT is why I took some responsibility when he and I talked, and felt like if I just did this or that different, we might get different results.  We never did, but when the conversations were happening, in the moment, at the time, and with all my hope for the relationship (or past hope and then talking myself back into it again), I would go into the meetings or conversations with him feeling like no matter what, I wanted to end on a good note, but by the end of the process (be it one conversation or "flirting with it" for days or more), I would end up back in the relationship again, and you know what... .NOMATTER WHAT I CHANGED, IT did not change and in the end, I was in a lot of danger and this took me far down... .alot farther than I thought it would or could... .after all, I loved him and just wanted for both of us to be ok... .right?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi harly,

I posted on your other thread. Don't want to repeat myself here and I don't know for sure what all I wrote already, but I am currently in NC with my uBPDh and I have a protective order.
He is trying to use his mother to communicate with me. She knows he is abusive and is not trying to get me to go back to him by any means. She in fact is the one who said that I should get a restraining order and change my number so he can't find me. But she did ask me to unblock him long enough to tell him that we are done so he will stop calling her three times a day and asking her to talk to me on his behalf.

I asked my dv counselor and her supervisor what they both thought of that. They said it was not a good idea, that it would only act as intermittent reinforcement and would probably make him try harder to contact me.

Just something for you to consider.

Also I would recommend talking to a dv services office in your area. I was really scared to reach out to mine because I had bad experiences before with dv services, but I am glad that I did.

Loveontherock,

Your story sounds so frighteningly close to mine. I did all the things you did in my abusive relationship with uBPDh, including breaking the protection order, not testifying or going to court, going back over and over, suffering broken bones, being screamed at, strangled, hit, physically, mentally and emotionally terrorized... .I am only beginning to process the trauma.

I wish I had gotten out sooner. The only thing I don't regret is having my beautiful children... .other than that, no good came from my repeated attempts to rescue him and save him from himself... .thereby saving the relationship... .you are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story.

Redeemed

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harlygirl, I would discourage you from re-engaging because I doubt he has the capacity to process anything you might say.  The strongest message, in my view, is to remain NC.  As Spero notes, he's triangulating in an attempt to circumvent your protective order, which demonstrates an inability to observe boundaries.  Your best approach, I suggest, is to stand firm in your boundaries and hold your ground.  In other words, it's better for all if you don't give him any grounds for false hope.

LJ

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all for your insight and support ... .I think you are all sending the same message ... .in that it is up to me to make sure I keep my boundaries intact. I have to keep reminding myself that in his pushing those boundaries ... .He really only has his own agenda in mind ... .and is likely pressuring certain family/friends he feels he can use as a means to that end ... .In doing so ... .I am reminded of his capacity to hurt me in his drive to have his own needs met ... .Also ... .now I question his capacity to truly love me ... .Is he someone that is just very good at telling people what they want to hear ... .and only seeing the person they want to see ? Is this love only a facade ? ... .Scary and sad ... .

[spero]

Hey there Harlygirl,

How are you doing?

He really only has his own agenda in mind ... .and is likely pressuring certain family/friends he feels he can use as a means to that end ... .In doing so ... .I am reminded of his capacity to hurt me in his drive to have his own needs met

Hmm, i think when dealing with such mental illness, such individuals do no have the same frame of mind or thinking capacity as you and I might have. You are perhaps right to say that he has his own agenda - which well is to perhaps stop the pain, shame and emptiness he feels inside. Somehow for him, it be really be a very primitive and deep need, which drives him to do whatever he does, unfortunately without the consideration of others. Which means, while he does this to you, he may not have the capacity to consider your feelings, or be aware of how much it might actually be hurting you.

My own uBPDexGF has done many hurtful things in her desperation... .some which amounted to deep betrayal. The pain is so great for your ex that he is fully consumed by that and probably isn't able to process what he does to you. But when that desperation is reduced and they sometimes realised what they've done to others, the deep shame takes over and some may loathe themselves. I'm not sure what it is for you ex though.


... .

Also ... .now I question his capacity to truly love me

In that moment, perhaps he did. But people with BPD do have a different perception and understanding of what "love" means. For my uBPDexGF, she constantly said after the devaluation phase and the "feelings" had faded. She didn't feel like she loved me anymore. Her love was probably soley based on emotions, and how she felt in the present moment. Its really different from what "love" is as a commitment. That Harleygirl, is something i've come to terms with.

Driven so much by their impulses and that need to fill that deep pervasive emptiness inside, coupled with the fear of abandonment, it was hard or if not impossible to meet the needs of my uBPDexGF. Its like trying to pour water into a hole made of sand. All the water just seeps away. Its really unfortunately for them that they should feel this way. But equally tragic is the part of being on the receiving end.

So, Harleygirl. What would you like to do from here on?

Yours,
Spero

[Harlygirl]

Hi Spero ... .You ask me to address something very profound and complicated when you say " What do you want to do?" ... .I guess what I want is to be able to engage with him in a way that is healthy ... .stable ... .where I can come from a place of trust ... .in knowing that he can do the same ... .and this is what I've been trying to do ... .trying to show him ... .and lead by example so to speak ... .But in doing so I have put myself in a position to be objectified ... .over and over again ... .I become a target for all of his projected rage ... .So it seems that nothing I say or do ... .effectively changes how he engages me ... .The more empathy and understanding I felt for him and expressed to him ... .the more I was abused for allowing myself to be close enough to become that target ... .So it seems that I ... .in trying to do what feels right to do  ... .will not have what I want ... .and neither will he ... .Some days I feel so sad and find myself still longing for something that never really was ... .

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Harlygirl:  I wish I could give you a girlfriend to girlfriend comforting hug, because BOY! do I remember feeling just like you described... .just sad that even though he and I both attended the relationship, it was not to be, and never could be what I wanted it to be.  I know he wanted us to be together back then, too, but of course, he was doing some really heinous things that ensured we wouldn't... .and he could not see that about himself, which meant I had nothing, really, to work with... .and after I let go, I was just as you described... .sad... .but only for a time.  I got my umph! back and was good to go !
It's not easy, walking away, but when it's the right thing to do for your safety and wellbeing, keep yourself going and focus on reality... .not dwelling in "hopefully" land, because, every time I did that, I ended up contacting him again and ultimately, after a "great high" from just seeing him came the great lows of what that meant... .and I usually had another broken bone or stolen stuff to remind me of why I wasn't seeing him anymore... .
Wish I could have learned what I know now a lot faster back then!... .there really is something worse than being a bit sad and lonely... .but my being such a hard head took me eons! to get to know that!

[once removed]

Some days I feel so sad and find myself still longing for something that never really was

how are you feeling today?