Is sexual addiction a symptom of BPD?

[123abc]

He absolutely cannot cuddle with me or give me a hug without grabbing at my boobs, sticking his hand down my pants or slapping my butt.

In public, he won’t hold hands with me, but he will embarrass me by aggressively gripping/squeezing/lifting/shaking my butt in front of everybody. It’s not even a quick squeeze-it’s like a full, hard cheek grip, lift and jiggle-often accompanied by a “God DAMN!” or an “MMM!”

I feel uncomfortable at home in anything less than a shirt, bra, and pants, because he will immediately gravitate towards me and start playing with/flapping my boobs or running his hands on my butt cheeks or down the front of my pants. We can’t lay down next to each other or wake up with each other without him slowly dry humping me like a chihuahua for an hour.

I feel like I’m being constantly pawed at and messed with like he’s bored and I’m a fidget spinner. I don’t even think it’s about sex at all! My body is NOT awesome. It just feels like an irritating compulsion of his that I happen to be in the crossfire of.

He also has a maddening habit of pulling his junk out constantly. CONSTANTLY. He’ll pull his dick through his jeans, or tug one testicle out from under his shorts and let it sit there for hours. Every single time, he stands there and stares at me FOREVER expecting me to laugh uproariously for entire time it’s out-which I did for the first few times. But he does it ten or twelve times a day every single day for over a year and it’s not funny anymore. It’s just ___in gross. How many times can you laugh at the same joke? How long is something appropriately funny before the joke gets to end?

I have brought these things up to him before, but he immediately gets offended, saying he’s SORRY he UPSET ME and he’s SORRY for TOUCHING me and he just turns himself into the victim.

I’m not asking him to stop touching me. I’m asking him to stop pawing at me and fondling me. I’m asking him to consider cuddling and being sweet to me for the sake of being sweet, instead of for the sake of annoyingly slapping and flopping and squeezing my boobs.

I realized recently that it makes me avoid him sometimes or change my clothes where he’s not around to see me. Maybe if he fondled me occasionally as a preface to sex I would see it as sexual, but now I’m just immediately annoyed because it doesn’t mean anything-he’s just doing it because I am there.

I already have no sex drive due to my depression meds and this just makes it worse. It’s like a fly buzzing around my face.

Is this a sexual compulsion or just some tick of his? How can I stop this? He will get his feelings hurt no matter what I say. I’m Im very attracted to him and I love him dearly but his grabby behavior is exhausting.

Any help?

I’m sure I’m making this situation worse by pulling away. I’m also aware that my 100% lack of sexual impulse is frustrating for him and maybe making me feel even worse about it. I have sex with him when he initiates it but the whole time I am just waiting for it to be over because I literally don’t care about sex in the slightest right now. I’ve told him this too but he still chooses to take it as a personal affront rather than a side effect of my depression.

I don’t know what to do.

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[Lady Itone]

Your man's behavior is beyond disrespectful. I think you're right that it isn't about trying to turn you on, it definitely isn't sexy, maybe more about dominance and your compliance? He gets to do whatever he wants even when it annoys you? Or is he doing it TO annoy you, I mean, he knows it gets a rise out of you, even if not the kind of rise that'll lead to sex.

I almost want to say get a squirt bottle and drench him, or carry a rolled-up newspaper to slap him on the nose every time he pulls this. If he's going to act like a dog before neutering, that's how you'll treat him. Probably, that's not actually good advice, though. Hopefully someone else has a more practical suggestion.

A very firm "No," followed by you completely disengaging? Walk away from him. Make it clear it won't be tolerated?

No woman wants to be treated like a squeeze toy, I would be frustrated and upset too.

[itsmeSnap]

As far as I know its not part of the diagnosis, the high sexuality in BPD is usually a result of seeking validation (as in, to make sure they're still desirable and not worthless like their overactive emotions lead them to believe) after a failed relationship.

This does not sound to me like that is the case here.

It just feels like an irritating compulsion of his that I happen to be in the crossfire of.

I agree with Lady Itone it could be a dominance thing; he could actually be that excited about you, though his libido does sound a bit overactive.

Every single time, he stands there and stares at me FOREVER expecting me to laugh uproariously for entire time it’s out-which I did for the first few times. But he does it ten or twelve times a day every single day for over a year and it’s not funny anymore

I already have no sex drive due to my depression meds and this just makes it worse. It’s like a fly buzzing around my face.

You mentioned depression and meds, if the joked worked in the past maybe he could be trying to cheer you up (in his own "annoying" way) but its still inappropriate behavior.

Consider talking to your therapist/psychiatrist about this and maybe changing your meds, this is clearly affecting your quality of life.

I'm no expert so don't take me seriously, I would do that if I were in that situation.

Hope things get better.

[Notwendy]

This sounds more like emotional immaturity than addiction to me. pwBPD can be emotionally immature and have difficulty regulating their emotions.

As a mom, this sounds more like what a 4 year old boy with a mature body and a set of boobies to play with than an addict. Little boys do play with their penises. It's a parent's job to teach them what is appropriate to do in public and in private, without shaming them. This behavior is normal for a 4 year old boy and thankfully they are not mature or sexually active.

I think this also has to do with poor boundaries- to your partner he doesn't distinguish between his body parts and yours. I think the showing you his junk is an attempt to get your attention. It just isn't appealing as it isn't what a grown mature man would do. I also think he's clueless about how his public behavior might make others uncomfortable.

So, your job is to train this 4 year old man. Boundaries- hands off your private parts in public. Tell him ahead of time and if he grabs you, walk away, or don't go out with him until he learns to behave. If he takes his junk out to show you when at home, walk away.

But you can not just take away sexual behaviors. There is a time and place for them. In private, when you are both in the mood. If you have no sex drive, then he has no way to deal with his sexual feelings. If this is an exclusive relationship- then he needs to know when he can, or should not, behave in a sexual manner with you.

[desperate.wife]

Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. To some degree, I experienced the same. I just want to hug and kiss and he pulls his stuff out of pants... .Or he tries to seduce by showing it... .Grabbing my boobs out of nowhere. It is killing the mood. So upsetting. I don't know if it is BPD. Doctors of my husband also told he was lacking common sense of what is appropriate is social world.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You have to feel good and safe. If you don't tell him that. And stick to it. Just need to find right way to communicate them to him.   


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