Clearly its over so why do I think it's not over?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do I find the willpower and concentration to rebuild my life from scratch but whenever I hear my wife's voice on the phone or see her in person (we co-parent 2 kids), I want to forgive the affairs she had and get back into a relationship with her. She's openly lied to me, manipulated me for years and yet I can feel myself looking past all that. I realise now that it's my desire to feel needed and loved again and I've spent so many years caring for her (she has a diabetic neuropathy and bulimia) that walking away feels so difficult (despite her leaving me). She ended the relationship with me after engaging in an affair with someone and didn't see a way I was able to forgive her and then within a short period of time, entered into another affair with a man she is currently with. She told me at the time she wanted to see me live by my own means and find a new partner but since then, she made it clear that we could try reconnecting. I can see her manipulation more clearly but I don't seem to care. My worries are:

- watching her deteriorate due to her physical and mental health problems whilst trying to raise our 2 children and not ask for any support
- resisting the urge to help her with practical things (lifts to appointments, help in the house)
- resisting any opportunities of affection (both given and received)
- watching her current partner become more involved in her life (she expressed concerns over his mental health but has since suggested she was overcautious)


I realise I may come across as weak and I really am at the moment but I am concerned with the long term health of my wife but I also realise that its clearly more than that and I've been using the excuse for caring for her in a controlling way. I've got a good support network and finances to start building my life but I would be grateful for some direction from someone here.

[JoeDependent]

How do I find the willpower and concentration to rebuild my life from scratch but whenever I hear my wife's voice on the phone or see her in person (we co-parent 2 kids), I want to forgive the affairs she had and get back into a relationship with her. She's openly lied to me, manipulated me for years and yet I can feel myself looking past all that. I realise now that it's my desire to feel needed and loved again and I've spent so many years caring for her (she has a diabetic neuropathy and bulimia) that walking away feels so difficult (despite her leaving me). She ended the relationship with me after engaging in an affair with someone and didn't see a way I was able to forgive her and then within a short period of time, entered into another affair with a man she is currently with. She told me at the time she wanted to see me live by my own means and find a new partner but since then, she made it clear that we could try reconnecting. I can see her manipulation more clearly but I don't seem to care. My worries are:

- watching her deteriorate due to her physical and mental health problems whilst trying to raise our 2 children and not ask for any support
- resisting the urge to help her with practical things (lifts to appointments, help in the house)
- resisting any opportunities of affection (both given and received)
- watching her current partner become more involved in her life (she expressed concerns over his mental health but has since suggested she was overcautious)


I realise I may come across as weak and I really am at the moment but I am concerned with the long term health of my wife but I also realise that its clearly more than that and I've been using the excuse for caring for her in a controlling way. I've got a good support network and finances to start building my life but I would be grateful for some direction from someone here.

[once removed]

hi JD, and

I realise I may come across as weak

you come across as someone who is struggling with the infidelity of his wife and the loss of his marriage. it takes strength to reach out, and im glad that you did.

what is the status of the marriage right now? i know you mentioned she suggested reconnecting; is divorce in progress or has it been? do you want to reconcile the relationship?

[JoeDependent]

Thank you for responding. This has all happened within a 2 month period. I think she disconnected from me when she started the first affair and made up her mind to split when she started the second. Because I didn't freak out when she told me, she then saw me as her saviour (I'm her full time carer as she is is severely disabled and will only slowly get worse) as these other 2 men were only interested in sex (educated guess with the second guy). So I've not even had a chance to breathe let alone plan a divorce.

Would I want to reconcile? It's an absurd notion that it would just go back to the way it was as so much trust was lost but then the children mean that I will always have contact with her. One one hand I can go back to an (albeit temporarily) easy life which I'm used to, in the house with my family but on the other, I have to look for work, find a flat, start dating  again. Exciting option but I feel I have no mental energy to devote to it and the pull back to her feels incredibly strong but also very, very wrong.

[Marie1971]

JD -

I feel your pain and am experiencing something similar.

It is so difficult to understand.  I am beginning to and the book The Betrayal Bond is excellent with help sorting it all out.  You can get in as an audiobook, Kindle book, or regular book. 

I, too, would take my husband back.  But why?  He has been awful to me!  It is perplexing indeed, and now is the time we need to explore this and get a handle on it once and for all. 

I'm here for you.  We can get through this!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JD, Welcome.  What leads you to believe that your W suffers from BPD?  I'm unclear from your post.  Let me ask you a few questions: What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?  What is the best path for you?  I know these are tough questions, but the answers might help clarify where you are headed.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

Would I want to reconcile? It's an absurd notion
... .

okay. if theres even a 5% chance of reconciliation, id encourage you to post/work on the Bettering board. the skills and tools there can help you in navigating the relationship as it is, if nothing else.

additionally, we have a Co-Parenting board that can help you navigate that relationship.

the two of you are still living together, and youre caring for her disability, do i have that right? how often does she see the other man, do you know?

tell us more about your support system. are you seeing a therapist? would moving in with family or friends temporarily, if it comes to that, be an option?

[Mutt]

Exciting option but I feel I have no mental energy to devote to it and the pull back to her feels incredibly strong but also very, very wrong.

You feel this way now you’re going to start to feel better once that you’re in your own flat and the pull will eventually dissipate you’re not going to feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

[JoeDependent]

Marie: Thank you for your kind words. I will take a look at that book as it does seem it will be very useful for me to understand things better, rather than just thinking 'she is ill and needs help'. I definitely have contributed to the situation and I'm only just realising it.

LuckyJim: Thank you for your questions, they were very clear and have helped me focus on my future more. She was diagnosed with it around 12 years ago but has never been happy with that diagnosis. It still appears on letters from the hospital that summarise her health history and she makes a point of saying why she is still given that label.

My gut feeling is that whilst she is saying she likes the idea that I  would live and work independently from her, her ideal scenario is for me to be back with her as her primary carer (and husband). It would be so easy to just go back in as it would solve so many problems and I even think that the knowledge that we can work to avoid an unhealthy level of co-dependency, it probably not be enough to stop a similar incident in the future. I've just realised I typed 'probably' just then so my brain is still seeing that as an option. When I am around her, she is very affectionate towards me and she will ask to sit next to me and physically comfort me (which I do find incredibly comforting but I know is because she sees me positively now).

onceremoved: I will definitely have a look at that board. I have moved out as the house was adapted for her (stair lift, walk in shower) but she did offer to move out as she was the one leaving. My main concern is her refusal or avoidance of asking for support from anyone but me. I've told her family they will need to constantly offer support which she would accept and whilst they have increased contact and offers of help, I can already see that support slowing down. My parents are understanding and very generous with their support. My friends are rallying round and are checking on me and in a very strange way, I feel incredibly lucky as I've had the worst thing happen to me in my life and I'm still thinking of positive ways in which everyone can come out of this safely and happily.

Mutt: You are right, time and distance is key but the children will always draw me back to her (as well as my concern for her health as she has some very serious disabilities). Thank you for your response.

[Mutt]

JoeDependent,

Do you have an update for us?

I'm still thinking of positive ways in which everyone can come out of this safely and happily.

Joe i notice that you’re talking about everyone else and you’re excluding yourself. What do you want for JoeDependent?

Mutt: You are right, time and distance is key but the children will always draw me back to her (as well as my concern for her health as she has some very serious disabilities). Thank you for your response.

We have members that have kids with their expwBPD myself included, I’m not going to lie the break up is really tough but there is s light at the end of the tunnel. What do you think about rebuilding things the way you like it? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a redo?

[JoeDependent]

Hi, thought I'd check in with an update.

thanks for asking Mutt: I've come to realise that I've had a desire to feel needed by my wife but that was creating a very unhealthy relationship for both of us. The shocking thing is I think she realised it first and warned me of it. I reacted by becoming harder to live with (mainly just over emotional) and she went off and made some very bad decisions but it stemmed from this toxic co-dependent relationship. She is being reasonably mature so far (early days) and we are on speaking terms. I've had to take a step back to really think what I want as it's been a while since I've really thought about it. Occasionally, I'll get waves of pure optimism where I think 'hang on... .I can do anything now' then they pass but they are becoming more frequent (this is probably also due to the sertroline!) I've got my own car now, I'm welcome in my parents home for an extended time and I'm starting to work out what job I want to do which just feels amazing to type!

I realise now that she made me feel like I was flawless when in reality I'd say I'm above average (and I'm biased!) but I've really started to take a good look at myself and my actions and how they were also damaging. I've started mindfulness and I'm sharing my criticisms of myself to others to give everyone an objective view of my situation. I think I'm going to be OK, I just hope my wife can maintain her health to allow her to keep supporting the children during the time they are with her. Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice, I will be back for another update later and if I don't balls it all up, I'll share my experience with what worked for me in the forums in the future!

[once removed]

Occasionally, I'll get waves of pure optimism where I think 'hang on... .I can do anything now' then they pass but they are becoming more frequent

i think it helps to anticipate this. sometimes id have that pure optimism and then take a complete nose dive only minutes later. it didnt necessarily make me feel better in the moment, but knowing that id be all over the place helped me know the hard times would pass, and that i didnt feel like i was backtracking or anything. lean into both.

but I've really started to take a good look at myself and my actions

i think this is pretty challenging, especially in the thick of it all, but the sooner you are able, the more understanding it can bring to a complex situation. when you feel ready, id encourage you to explore this in greater depth on the Learning board, where we look at the lessons we want to take into the future and start to apply them. theres support here for every stage.

I will be back for another update later

anything new today?