Re: I gave my BPD husband an ultimatum

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey Lonely in co,

One question struck me about this ultimatum, did you provide him with an alternative option to meet his 'needs' if he went without porn? In some respects you'r fighting against his animal instincts here.

Looking through a male lens I wonder if he even thought accepting your ultimatum was setting himself up to fail. It might be a different option if you'd said to him "when ever you feel the urge I will lend a hand"... .and delivered.

I wonder if this particular issue needs greater thought by you as to what motivates him to watch porn rather than saying 'no you can't'... .and then  address the motivation rather than snatching the proverbial toys.

Apologies for playing devils advocate, I am just trying to balance the argument. Maybe your daughter can also sympathise with your husband watching porn and see's things differently... .I don't know.

[Enabler]

Hey Lonely in co,

One question struck me about this ultimatum, did you provide him with an alternative option to meet his 'needs' if he went without porn? In some respects you'r fighting against his animal instincts here.

Looking through a male lens I wonder if he even thought accepting your ultimatum was setting himself up to fail. It might be a different option if you'd said to him "when ever you feel the urge I will lend a hand"... .and delivered.

I wonder if this particular issue needs greater thought by you as to what motivates him to watch porn rather than saying 'no you can't'... .and then  address the motivation rather than snatching the proverbial toys.

Apologies for playing devils advocate, I am just trying to balance the argument. Maybe your daughter can also sympathise with your husband watching porn and see's things differently... .I don't know.

[lonely38]

The issue is that my husband has watched porn over the years.  In order to protect himself and me, he got a filter about 8 years ago.  The issue is not that is currently watching porn.  But because of his immorality over literally decades, this no longer a safe place for me to be with him if he does not have it on his computer.  He has watches porn because he chooses to do what is detrimental to himself and to me. This has nothing to do with me.  He choose immorality because of his lack of being in his wise mind.  All of these are his poor choices and nothing to do me.

Frankly, this whole post and replies has me very frustrated.  My children have been mortified over the years by their father's behavior including porn and immorality.  Please do not put any of this on me or on my children  Shame on you.

[Enabler]

Sorry to hear you're frustrated about the thread/responses, my aim was not to frustrate you but provoke 2 way thought processes.

I have little doubt that I have a different view on the topic than you however I can empathise with you if you feel hurt by your husbands porn watching. I would however like to understand how you feel it is 'unsafe' for you to be with him without the filter on his computer.

I wonder whether or not you fully understand what motivates him to watch porn. Do you see it as a substitute for intimacy with you? Do you feel that he is emotionally committing something towards the things he watches? What do you believe motivates him? What does it make you feel?

My wife has an extensive range of sex toys, some of which I have bought her. I have NEVER resented her using them. If I walked in on her using them I would offer to 'help out'. I know this would not be the case if the roles were reversed.
 

[Skip]

So, our sex life has been off and on for pretty much our entire marriage.  He has always blamed it on me and said that I was not interested.  I know I was interested just not as 'often' as he was.  He has been unfaithful for most of our marriage, so much that he went through sex addiction counseling.  That was about 7 years ago.  He pretty much confessed all of his pass immorality then.  We tried to rebuild our marriage at the time and it was way better for several years.

I remember you saying earlier this year that he had more or less abandoned sex with you for a while.  

It sounds like you have been on a roller coaster ride over the years. Sex addiction is one of the hardest things to live with. I don't think I could handle it, personally. Insisting he stay the course (install a filter) is understandable. It makes sense to hold to that.

Him asking you to look at yourself and you doing it (reading the book) puts you both on the side of working to make a better marriage. A counselor would probably say "why not" make the effort.

What is it about the agreeing to reading a book that is upsetting? What is the book?

[Enabler]

Thank you Skip, I needed that information to contextualise this thread. Appologise Lonely in Co if I sounded insensitive in my attempts to be challenging.

Enabler

[lonely38]

 you all seem way off.  Everything I had read says if you start with boundaries on a borderline, then they want to 'one up' you.  This is exactly what my husband did.  He sent me a note saying my problems with him stem from my mom and my growing up.  Basically because I gave him an ultimatum with porn, he came back to me and said, "ok, I will do this.  But he added a requirement of his own that I read a book about being raised by a narcissistic mom.  While I had a childhood with a mom that was not nurturing, that was not my husband's point.  His point was that I need to lay off of him with boundaries and that I am reacting to him because of my mom, which is incredibly hurtful to me.  My stuff I am dealing with right is because of his behavior.

And the fact that you threw in a thread saying our sex life has been on again off again feels extremely unfair.  That was never me.  That was my husband with an inability to be intimate.  He took his needs to the internet, to prostitutes, to anonymous sex with people he met in airplanes and so forth and so on.  Meanwhile, I was left feeling lost and alone and wondering what the heck was going on.  I am not saying I was perfect or am perfect in the marriage.  But equating our lack of sex with my husband's porn is incredibly indicting toward me.  No other female would have lasted with my husband as I have for 38 years.  To be honest, the males in this post sound male chauvenis, bringing past this old post to prove a point? to tell me about a man's animal instincts?  Shouldn't the folks in this practice appropriate empathy toward the ones of us who are hurting, even if we are the opposite sex?

I have felt encourage by this site, but today all I felt was lamblasted and, honestly, I felt the males discussing stuff like is my daughter ok with porn, his wife using sex toys? and crazy, inappropriate, deeply hurtful stuff.  

You are wrong here and, while I appreciate, someone 'sort of' apologizing, the fact that the other person brought in something from a past note I put on this site felt like I have the finger pointing toward me. I am extremely disappointed and disheartened by those who have posted.  I feel a sincere apology is owed here.  This is wrong to make someone who is already hurting, to make them feel accused, responsible, etc.

The point was never about porn.  The point was that I asked my husband for something that, for me, was a non negotiable.  I had no other way to ask for it, after repeatedly asking, to give him an ultimatum based on his past history of porn showing up on a routine basis.

AGAIN, I AM DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED

 

[Cat Familiar]

Dear lonely in co,
I’m so sorry that you felt the responses you received were hurtful and dismissive of the pain you’ve felt in your marriage.

I want you to know that I understand how trying your marriage must have been through years of your husband’s sex addiction.

I, too, had a husband who solicited prostitutes, had one nighters with random women and even seduced my friends. I stayed through his  awful behavior, but finally it was too much.

And he blamed me for his actions because I wasn’t sexually responsive enough to him. It was nauseating quite frankly, so I think I can relate to what you’ve been through.

It’s hard to understand how incredibly miserable it can be to be the recipient of behavior such as you’ve experienced, but those who’ve responded to you have been abused in different ways by the ones they loved.

And though you felt hurt by their words, and I do understand why, please know that wasn’t their intent. We all come here with different wounds and we do appreciate your honesty and openness in your response. That helps everyone to be more sensitive to others’ pain.

Cat

[Skip]

And though you felt hurt by their words, and I do understand why, please know that wasn’t their intent. We all come here with different wounds and we do appreciate your honesty and openness in your response. That helps everyone to be more sensitive to others’ pain.

Well said. We are all here to help.

We may be missing the point. If the point isn't about porn, can you explain what it is about? I might nor be understanding the scope of this.

PS: Just a quick aside... .what is the surgery?

[Enabler]

Because he has major issues with pornography one of my non negotiables is to have software on his computer to filter out porn.  He has a new computer and has delayed putting the software on,

The only thing I could think of was to tell him calmly I needed him to do it by Tuesday of this next week.  He is having major surgery on Tuesday and I told him I would be unable to take him or bring him home unless he gets the software on his computer.

Also, he has said he will be recovering in the basement.  If things remain the same, I will ask him to stay in the basement until we can get our relationship in a better place.

I have read through your previous posts to gain a better understanding of your position. I meant my apology yesterday but to reiterate, I was unintentionally off the mark and insensitive given the bigger picture.

Please can you clarify this was the ultimatum?
- Install internet filter or I will not ferry you too and from surgery
- Recover and stay in the basement until our relationship is back on track

Enabler