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[conflicted55]

 I dropped off a present to a young relative of xSOwuBPD. I did not expect the family to be in but they saw me drop the present on the doorstep and invited me in.The family were pleased to see me and happy for me to be in contact. Asked me to drop in for a glass of wine anytime. Even suggested that they could keep my visit quiet if I preferred. I felt there was no reason for it to be kept quiet only if they preferred.

I sent a response to xSOuBPD msg last week, regarding picking up belongings.
I have received correspondence from xSOuBPD re my belongings with an additional paragraph:

I request that you refrain from contacting my family or those connected with me and my family as these people have nothing to do with anything between you and I and by speaking to them it is causing some trouble, not for me I may add, but it is for those concerned.

She then goes on to say that speaking to them about our relationship amounts to harrassment although its not directly affecting her but it is indirectly. She then says she respects me and our relationship and says she has not behaved in this way or manner and ask for the same.


She also makes it clear that we should not meet and only correspond in writing until belongings are exchanged, and then no contact so we can heal and move on. I wish she had been this assertive with her ex. (I suspect her ex is driving this).

The relatives were pleased to see me and let me know they knew about the breakup but were shocked. They asked what I thought was the cause and I confided in them as to suspecting the ex was back on the scene. They told me that they had been told it was because 'I did not share'. I kept secrets apparently. (Nice to know that she can provide an explanation to others but not directly to me!)

She clearly does not respect me as she has lied and cheated on me and given me no closure. Sometimes I think she has two personalities that operate completely unconcious of the other.

Do I reply asking her for clarification of who I should not be contacting? ie some of her work colleagues are mutual friends. I have some of her relatives on social media. Her nephew contacted me yesterday should I have not replied? Or should I let my lawyer deal with this... .is it all about to get ugly?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Conflicted55,

I'm sorry you were lied to and cheated on - that sucks.

With regard to her messages, I would reply with something like this:

"It is awkward when people ask about the relationship and I'm sorry if my answering questions felt like an infringement of your privacy. In future, I shall simply tell people that this is a personal matter between you and I and that I would prefer to keep it private. However, I will not end contact with people I have come to know and like. Those relationships are important to me and I would like to continue them, but I shall do so with respect for your space and privacy."

I think it strikes the right line between aknowledging her concerns and refusing to let her dictate who you can and can't talk to. But... .Whether you can continue these relationships or not partly depends on those other people and whether or not they are willing to stay out of the situation between you and her - if they push with intrusive questions or getting in the middle with he-said-she-said stuff, then you might have review it.

[conflicted55]

Thank you for your suggestions Bnonymous.

Reading through her correspondence again I note she says it does not affect her but others. And she says this twice so I wonder if someone else is throwing their toys out of the pram. And if so, is this now affecting the family I visited? I was not intending to visit them in the near future now I have dropped the pressie off. I wonder if I should ask her for clarification on who is directly affected?

[Bnonymous]

It's a difficult and delicate situation, for sure.

Personally, I wouldn't ask her for further details. It might provide the potential for gossip and stirring and he-said-she-said etc. Assuming she is telling the truth about other people being affected, I would leave it as the responsibility of these people to a/ decide whether or not they still want to see you regardless of any "trouble" it causes for them, and b/ communicate this to you if they decide that it isn't.

My personal impression, reading her messages as an outsider, is that they seem like bait of some kind - hence, if it were me, I wouldn't ask as I would be wary of playing into any kind of drama or triangulation she might be (consciously or unconsciously) trying to set up. But that's as an outsider - it might read differently to someone who knows her.

Is it particularly important to you to keep any of these relationships going? If so, which ones? For example, you might decide that keeping in contact with her family isn't worth the complications and potential headaches, but that the friendships with her work colleagues are too important to you to give up. Or vice versa. How do you feel about it?

[conflicted55]

I had previously reread the correspondence and wondered if I was getting baited.

Like those circular arguements one gets into with the BPD, defending oneself from personal attacks but you end up disappearing down a black hole.

I have no plans to see them again. It was nice to know I am welcome but we get busy with life and dont always keep in touch with folks. I may have sent them a xmas card. As for work colleagues, there is a work colleague and partner which we are mutual friends of. I communicate via social media occasionally and attend social functions with them occassionally. I like them and they like me. So I guess it will be up to them if they take sides.

[Radcliff]

I have no plans to see them again. It was nice to know I am welcome but we get busy with life and dont always keep in touch with folks. I may have sent them a xmas card. As for work colleagues, there is a work colleague and partner which we are mutual friends of. I communicate via social media occasionally and attend social functions with them occassionally. I like them and they like me. So I guess it will be up to them if they take sides.

It sounds like you're on target here.  You are talking about your values -- that you want to return messages and be friendly to people -- as well as the pragmatic point that as you move on from the relationship you're less likely to overlap with people in her sphere, except for a few common friends and colleagues.  A lot of missives sent out by pwBPD are invitations to conflict.  Usually saying less in response is better, and things have a way of naturally working themselves out if we don't accept the invitation to conflict.

RC