Very Experienced Therapist needed

[HandsomeMess]

Hi,
I’m new to this and would very much like help in 1) finding a therapist for myself; 2) either finding a marital therapist or 3) advice on ‘sharing’ our therapists (attend sessions with each other’s) to reconcile our differences and marriage. Due to the nuanced behaviors of existential avoidance, idealization/ devaluing, splitting, lying, deceiving, manipulating, controlling with ‘intelligence’ and ease, I am looking for a VERY seasoned therapist who is VERY familiar in dealing with the full spectrum of BPD behaviors along with NPD and/or trauma care since I am experiencing most of the symptoms of gaslighting while she is exhibiting all but on of the criteria. She is not self-harming nor violent, tho has been in the past. We live in Southern NH and could make it to the north and west of Boston for a solid therapist.

Background:
My 56 year old BPD wife of two years had been diagnosed 1.5 yrs ago and going to a therapist since  without noticeable improvement other than stopping the violence. All the other aspects have gotten worse but so has my over-reacting (getting stressed and yelling, not demeaning just loud) as I tried to end the marriage. A little over a month ago she retaliated as I reached my limit and tried to get her to separate/leave. She put a restraining order on me and won my family, some friends, our church and the police to ‘her side’. In hindsight I have made all the wrong choices in dealing with her illness and understand why she did what she did out of fear and control, shifting her hatred onto me. According to her, I am the only person in her life to have been honest, caring and commitred enough to pursue her, call her out and swallow her pride.

I am having a hard time finding experienced therapists and would REALLY appreciate any references for caring, committed and experienced therapists.

Thank you for reading and caring.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for the troubles that bring you here but glad you found us.

Have you tried any of the large hospitals in Boston?
McLean Hospital in Belmont, Ma might be a good place to call.  I have read some good things about the staff there as well as the treatment programs.  You can also try Mass General.  I find the larger hospitals have the most experienced people.  Even if your wife does not cnsent to go to either place, you might be able to get some help for you.

We can help you begin to change your behaviors as well.  Often the way we respond/react and the way we express ourselves can make things worse.  Learning more about the disorder and the associated behaviors can help to depersonalize them which makes it easier to communicate in more effective ways.  pwBPD (people with BPD) often hear and process things differently than we do or we intend for things to be taken and learning how not to make things worse is really the first step.  Check out this article/video for more:  A 3 minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Can you tell us more about what you did that you think led up to the break up and the restraining order?  Where do things stand now? 

[HandsomeMess]

Hi Harri,

Thank you, I’m glad too. I’ve placed calls to McLean. Their Outpatient is booked and am waiting to hear on Partial Program. I have reached out to other therapists and groups but they do not have that much experience with BPD. I have reached out to the BPD Resource Center listed on NEABPD.

I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, both of which are very helpful in affirming what I’ve been dealing with and how I can change my approach. I am also reading BPD related articles online written by doctors.

Across our relationship we would get into arguments that seemed to be resolved with her admitting things like lacking empathy, being black & white, controlling and telling white lies. I kept on feeling like I was being manipulated and would say so. She would seem to apologize and own it but ended up not really following through. We got married two years ago with the understanding that we would work together on being honest, calm and reasonable practicing the vows we put together since she would get mad, hit and blame me saying that I ‘yelled’ when I was raising and/or straining my voice when upset. Within the first few months she was still hitting me and she had little to no regard for our vows, only caring about me not getting upset. I felt that she had not entered the marriage intending to fulfill her vows that it was null and void. She pleaded with me to give her more chances, finally going to counseling and starting Celebrate Recovery, a twelve step program. Some progress would seem to be made but the  underlying lying, manipulating and controlling increased, along with it my being upset as my reasoning and logic would get flipped back on me, callingI me the liar, manipulator, the ‘abuser’ who had so many demands when in reality all I was asking for was something to trust and believe in and make progress. This past spring she admitted that she had mot made progress and was putting the stake in the ground that either her or her illness needed to go. I had been asking her to leave and she made it seem like she was looking yet always had an excuse. We live in a house that I am renovating and managing as a business. After paying rent for two years she started claiming she was supporting the business and not a tenant paying rent even tho it is owned by an LLC and even I am a tenant. She said she didn’t care about the money yet acted otherwise regarding the property as well as other money she owed me. Due to renovations and the furnace unexpectedly going we did not have hot water. As things got more tense I was yelling at her bc of the crazy conflicting circular, repeated accusations and devaluing of any of my thoughts and feelings. I was always logical and reasonable, not putting her down but referring to the things she admitted. So I started backing away, reducing interaction to the point where we were not talking and gave her 30 days notice to leave the property since she kept blaming me for her not leaving bc I was not clear whether I wanted he to go. Meanwhile she was admitting being terrified of leaving. But instead of leavjng she campaigned my family, friends, church and police that I was abusing her by not providing hot water and yelling at her. So I have been banished from my home, my livelihood, my family, church and community even tho for the years she yelled, screamed, hit, kicked, pulled knives and even broke a windshield, I turned the other cheek, tried to love and accept her despite how she felt about herself and treated me.

I have filed for divorce aince that is the only way for me to get my property, my livelihood and life back. I have never felt so hated, despised and abandoned. Yet I know this is how she feels about herself and I hate the idea of abandoning her in such a state. I realize that I should have gone with her to counseling, been reading the books and articles I am now, getting counseling for myself and being committed to the marriage or at least utilized her counselor to confirm her vow and commitment. She has convinced everyone that I am mentally ill and of course never really mentions her illness. I am wanting to be reconciled and do whatever I need for myself and for her. I just don’t know if she is willing and really serious about addressing her illness.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Thanks for giving more information.

Lahey Clinic might be another place you can look into for counseling for yourself.  I know they have a minfulness program there.  I am not sure if they would be able to help your wife or if they are well versed in BPD but I do know they are a wonderful medical facility.

I am wanting to be reconciled and do whatever I need for myself and for her. I just don’t know if she is willing and really serious about addressing her illness.

How do you see your petition for divorce working with your wish to be reconciled?  In terms of making any reconciliation contingent upon her getting help, that is something that many here have tried with little luck.  If she does not believe she has a problem getting her into therapy is going to be hard to impossible.

You mentioned

"So I have been banished from my home, my livelihood, my family, church and community even tho for the years she yelled, screamed, hit, kicked, pulled knives and even broke a windshield, I turned the other cheek, tried to love and accept her despite how she felt about herself and treated me."

That is a lot to lose in one shot. We can support you here and when you do get into counseling, it will be even better.  Can you tell us more about the violence?  When was the last time she hit you?  Have you ever called the police when she did this?  What sort of boundaries have you tried using with her?  Have you contacted local domestic violence services for help?  They might be a good place to contact to find a therapist who can help you.  Violence is never okay (obviously) and sometimes it needs to be addressed first.

Sorry to hit you with a lot of questions.  I am concerned though.

[HandsomeMess]

Thanks again Harri,
I will check out Lahey. The divorce petition is the only way for me to get my home and livelihood back if she is not willing to reconcile to standard property practice and her verbal pre-nuptual. She is going to counseling and has repeatedly admitted in writing of her habits of lying, manipulating, controlling and acting hatefully. I believe she is retaliating and devaluing me bc I was nit only rejecting her but had done so little to work with her in going to counseling with her which she asked/pleaded, not reading, helping and learning skills to help and not getting help for myslef to address any issues and struggles I’ve been having.

She stopped hitting me a year ago, tho she did lunge at me, wrestling to get some signed papers out of my hand after which I stopped talking to her. When she finally stopped she laughed. I did not call the police each time when it happened. After getting upset and yelling in the summer, I kept backing away contact throughout August as I noticed my triggers until the point of no talking and only emails on essential topics end of first week in Sep. That was 5 weeks before she called the police to the house. I am not as concerned about the violence as much as the lying, manipulation, control and hateful devaluing treatment.

In the process of backing away, I set boundaries on whether she invalidated everything I said, asking her what she was trying to acxomplish, was she aware she just denied, dismissed, excused or blamed. I also set boundaries on her being present and focused on our conversation.

No worries on the questions, I appreciate the care and help.

[HandsomeMess]

Hello?

[Harri]

Hi there.  Apologies for not getting back to you sooner.   

In the process of backing away, I set boundaries on whether she invalidated everything I said, asking her what she was trying to acxomplish, was she aware she just denied, dismissed, excused or blamed. I also set boundaries on her being present and focused on our conversation.

Can you tell me more about this? Boundaries typically work best when we construct them in such a way that we are responsible for not only setting them but acting on them and enforcing them.  That may mean stating what we need or it may mean taking a break in a conversation or even ending it.

[once removed]

hi HM,

do you know how she feels about reconciling?

can you have a read of this, and let us know what stage your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[HandsomeMess]

We sadly, regrettably are in Stage 4. I was overreacting, couldn’t find nor see any way to trust her. She continued invalidating and accusing me  while also reaching out. I completely ahut down and backed away from all interaction. I now realize the mistakes and difficulties I was bringing to her and our marriage as well as my having caretaking and  anxiety issues from growing up with what I now believe a BPD father who was abadnoned at 5 years old. She then basically ran a devaluation distortion campaign aganst me, getting my family, some friends, church and police on ‘her side’.

I have reached out to her, owning my part in the marriage and what I am bringing. I have promised to seek whatever help I need, would like to work through marital counselor to address both our needs and boundaries, asking her if she wants the same, wants to work together to restore not only what we had but reach and work for what we hoped.

[once removed]

I have reached out to her, owning my part in the marriage and what I am bringing.

has she basically put the kabosh on that? is she still pulling others into the conflict?

[HandsomeMess]

No, we just came to an agreement in which we will be seeing a marital counselor to address issues so we can be together for Christmas and keep going to counseling until all issues are addressed to each other’s, our pastor and our counselor’s satisfaction! We both agree to get whatever treatment or medication needed per counselors.

[Harri]

Hi.

This is a good development and sounds promising.  Do you have appointments set up or is that sill in the works?

[once removed]

well, thats a big change!

what spurred it?

i hope youll stick around and not only keep us posted as this plays out, but continue to learn about areas/ways you can build on in your relationship.