I'm 5 months removed from a 2 year marriage

[Nextstep1]

I have been coming here reading everyone's post and finding great comfort in knowing I'm not alone in my situation and others are going through similar if not identical conditions... .Below is a synopsis to set the context.

I'm 5 months removed from a 2 year marriage with a total of 8 years together with my dBPD ex.  As with many on this sight, it has devastated me and the world I thought was true.  That being said, I have gone through quite the ride since the relationship ended and have made steps in not strides in an attempt to detach.

My ex didn't tell me her diagnosis during her late teens until after we were married.  In hindsight I saw signs but they were mild and seemed as she was managing things.  She spent various attempts throughout the relationship bouncing from interest to interest. I assume she was searching for a purpose, which we all do in life. I just assumed she searched harder than most.  Things like starting a new business, volunteering, etc.  Nothing that was raise any major flags.  

It was only in the final year of the relationship that she began behaving in a manner that I found to be odd and worth taking notice.  On a couple of occasions I found her weeping on here own claiming she wasn't worthy to have me and that she was worthless.  I told her this wasn't the case and  she was my 'everything' and that I didn't understand.  She would somewhat settle down and it would pass or so I thought.

Fast-forward to the weekend of the 'exit' by her.  After kissing her goodbye in the morning as she drove off, a normal day(I work from my home office), little did I know it would be the last time I'd ever do that.  

We texted later in the morning and she seemed hard and cold and looking for a fight.  Claimed I wasn't financially supporting her and she wanted me to lend her money to clear her credit cards(large enough sum of money).  I balked, not wanting to enable the pattern of behaviour but offered to help come up with some sort of solution.  She was having none of it.  She was hostile and aggressive regarding the topic.  This was out of character for her.  So I advised she approach her parents to lend the money... .

So she came home at lunch, grabbed some things, said she was going to talk to her parents and spend the night there... .That folks, was the last I saw of her.

I was painted black.  

The next 4-6 weeks, I was obviously staggered.  I tried desperately to bring her back, so to speak.  Different tactics in hindsight out of desperation.   This was my soul-mate as we all know.  What she relayed back to me was cold indifference.  Quotes like "Its over, I'm never coming back".  "We had our moments".  

Then once we both had a few weeks to digest what had happened, her stance softened by her resolve didn't. She recognized that she had to 'find herself' and she needed to do it on her own.  

Keep in mind, during this whole time I suspected(only maybe) it was BPD but it wasn't the first thing I thought of when reasoning the breakup.  The financial argument seemed to be the center(in the end, this was a 'red herring').

The light bulb only came on for me after digging into BPD and the behaviours, specifically "Quiet BPD".  Until discovering this variation for the disorder I had always thought of lashing out and rage as the key symptoms which she showed no signs of.  Therefore, I concluded that she was not BPD... .

As you all have likely noted, the behaviour is predictable from the BPD and almost like clockwork.  

So, she glommed onto another guy in the last 3 months... .intimacy included.  That killed me by the way.  Dropped me to my knees, literally.  

In the last 6 weeks she has cycled back to me 2 times claiming she 'misses me', 'misses home' etc. etc.  Fained suicidal thoughts that had me rush over to be with her, bringing our pets... .During that visit she settled and explored coming 'home' for the coming weekend.

So, to my dismay, that feeling and thought process lasted for 3 days.  By mid week she 'couldn't do it', 'm not that person anymore'. 'I will always love you but can't go back'.  Into the FOG I went.  

This past week, as I was beginning to successfully detach, she reached back again... .only stronger... ."I think about you every day", "I miss when you kissed my forehead before by when you thought I was asleep".  Folks she was laying it on.  Without this site and the in-sites from everyone here, I would be in deep. I have remained distant and somewhat firm.   I won't lie, I am still in the FOG but feel that I can make it through without reengaging.  

Her final words to me this past weekend ended similar to the past. "Im not that woman anymore, I miss you and love you but I can't come back".

This charming is clear and obvious to me.  She ended it with the 'next' guy and I'm there to validate her and fill the need until the emotions pass.

So there it is... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nextstep1, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown of your marriage.  It sounds like the last five months have been really challenging.  Many of us have been down this road before you, so you are not alone.  At this point, what would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  What is the best path for you?  I know these are tough questions, but might help to clarify your next steps.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

hi Nextstep1 and

it has to be heart wrenching to go through the make ups/and breakups with high hopes, and to see her get into a new relationship. it was shell shocking for me to see my ex in a new relationship too.

how are you holding up? is she still reaching out?

[CryWolf]

I’ve heard very similar words... “I’m not the girl you met, and I can never be”

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. How have things been as of since?

[hope2727]

So familiar and so sad. I am sorry for our loss. Mine was you are so loved my dear have a great day then later I'm never coming home don't contact me again. It is how they fell in any given moment. For them it is real and painful. They can't understand our perception any more than we can understand theirs. You are not alone. This is a good group of people who truly understand what you are experiencing. Please take good gentle care of yourself. We are here for you when you need us.

[Red5]

So, she glommed onto another guy in the last 3 months... .intimacy included.  That killed me by the way.  Dropped me to my knees, literally.

... .my first marriage 

At year 10 of 21... .three kids, S8, S4, D2... .she left us, and then came back three months later, post suicide attempt, .the summer of '94'.

By mid week she 'couldn't do it', 'm not that person anymore'. 'I will always love you but can't go back'.

... .same same ; (

Hang in there Nextstep1 !

Red5

[Red5]

... .don't contact (EVER call) me again.

If I had a five dollar bill for everytime my uBPDw said that to me... .while we were dating (4.5 years?)... .after she pushed me away, and told me to gtf out of her life, and DON'T call me anymore... .

I'd probably have enough green backs to buy that wood splitter I been eyeballing at Tractor Supply  

... .if only I'd paid attention to the ! (multiple)

But I did know anything about anything back in 2007.

Period of time from first date, to first "love bombing run", four weeks, "I love you, would you like to make love to me" she said... .

Period of time from first date to operation "shoe drop"... .six months.

Red5

[Al Kaseltzer]

I’ve heard very similar words... “I’m not the girl you met, and I can never be”

I was told something very similar when we broke up this last time.  were they saying that as undiagnosed or were you/they aware of some form of BPD at this point?

is there any reasoning for partners saying that as they leave/after they left?

its one of the things that i sort of brushed past while we were breaking up but when i came across some of this stuff shortly thereafter, it popped into my head again.