It escalated and she was arrested :(

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I’ve been recently discussing my difficult relationship here with a pwBPD.

Even though I broke up with her, we’ve been living together and she’s moving out on Dec 1. Two nights ago, during an argument, my exGF hit me in the face and scratched my neck. I was stunned that she did that, and was really afraid of her so I called the police. For the next few minutes she teased me about calling them, and how they weren’t going to do anything for me.

I went to the lobby of my building bc I felt unsafe, and the police asked what happened. Then one of the officers noticed the scratches on my neck and then immediately went up to the apartment. They say she claimed I grabbed her n left bruises, so a chief was called. After talking to me, and then to her for a much longer time the chief told me they were arresting her.

I had no choice. I didn’t want them to arrest her, I just wanted them to get her away from me. But she’s on the lease so they couldnt just tell her to leave.

I feel a bit humiliated being a man calling police on his exGF, but she’s just been getting more and more hostile lately and I was shocked and didn’t know what to do when she hit me.

I ignored what everyone said about how she could be escalating bc of how unstable she is... .But I ignored it. There’s now an order of protection and so I don’t have to hear from her anymore. She’s been charged with attempted assault and harassment. I hope she doesn’t go to jail or anything. The marks faded after a few hours

While under extreme duress I was pressured by an attorney to pay an extremely excessive fee to talk to the DA for me. I’m in the process of working on getting the majority of my money back.

I feel like an idiot. taken advantage of. Attacked verbally and physically. And numb. I’ve been walking around in a daze... .

[SherlockTheDog]

Hi all,

I’ve been recently discussing my difficult relationship here with a pwBPD.

Even though I broke up with her, we’ve been living together and she’s moving out on Dec 1. Two nights ago, during an argument, my exGF hit me in the face and scratched my neck. I was stunned that she did that, and was really afraid of her so I called the police. For the next few minutes she teased me about calling them, and how they weren’t going to do anything for me.

I went to the lobby of my building bc I felt unsafe, and the police asked what happened. Then one of the officers noticed the scratches on my neck and then immediately went up to the apartment. They say she claimed I grabbed her n left bruises, so a chief was called. After talking to me, and then to her for a much longer time the chief told me they were arresting her.

I had no choice. I didn’t want them to arrest her, I just wanted them to get her away from me. But she’s on the lease so they couldnt just tell her to leave.

I feel a bit humiliated being a man calling police on his exGF, but she’s just been getting more and more hostile lately and I was shocked and didn’t know what to do when she hit me.

I ignored what everyone said about how she could be escalating bc of how unstable she is... .But I ignored it. There’s now an order of protection and so I don’t have to hear from her anymore. She’s been charged with attempted assault and harassment. I hope she doesn’t go to jail or anything. The marks faded after a few hours

While under extreme duress I was pressured by an attorney to pay an extremely excessive fee to talk to the DA for me. I’m in the process of working on getting the majority of my money back.

I feel like an idiot. taken advantage of. Attacked verbally and physically. And numb. I’ve been walking around in a daze... .

[JNChell]

Hey, SherlockTheDog. First of all, there is nothing to be humiliated about. You did the right thing. No person, man or woman, deserves to be physically attacked. There’s a legal term for that. Assault and battery. You did the right thing. I’m sorry that this happened to you. I imagine that it has made everything within the situation even that much more real for you. I hope that you’re feeling confident in your decision to take action. I’m sure it was a scary thing to do.

While under extreme duress I was pressured by an attorney to pay an extremely excessive fee to talk to the DA for me. I’m in the process of working on getting the majority of my money back.

This part is confusing. How can she be arrested and charged along with a protective order put in place? Take this to the family law board. You’ll get guidance there on that aspect. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I feel like an idiot. taken advantage of. Attacked verbally and physically. And numb. I’ve been walking around in a daze... .

My takeaway from this statement is that you now have time and space to collect yourself and figure out what your next steps are. Do you have family or friends that are aware of what happened? If so, are they willing to help out? This has escalated to a level that you’re lucky to have come out of on the good end of the stick. Let’s keep you safe here. With the space that you have with the protective order, what do you plan to do?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey Sherlock,

So sorry this has happened to you. Like JNChell said, you absolutely did the right thing. Good job staying calm enough to make a clear decision. Many people who have been assaulted by a partner or former partner (myself included) don't report the incident, which only reinforces the behavior because there is no consequence.

In my uBPDh's case, he received probation and fines for most of the domestic violence charges he incurred (and there were many).

Don't be embarrassed by what happened. If you had tried to physically restrain her yourself or something like that, the situation could have become more dangerous or you could possibly have been falsely arrested yourself.

I know you must be reeling emotionally and mentally from the incident. Hopefully with the protection order you can have some peace and have time to process some of what you have been going through.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[SherlockTheDog]

Hey, SherlockTheDog.

I feel like an idiot. taken advantage of. Attacked verbally and physically. And numb. I’ve been walking around in a daze... .

My takeaway from this statement is that you now have time and space to collect yourself and figure out what your next steps are. Do you have family or friends that are aware of what happened? If so, are they willing to help out? This has escalated to a level that you’re lucky to have come out of on the good end of the stick. Let’s keep you safe here. With the space that you have with the protective order, what do you plan to do?

Everyone close to me that I spoke to said "who knows what could have happened." It has been escalating every day. It could have been worse like you said.

With the space I feel like I can actually start to heal from our destructive relationship. Prior to this incident, I felt like every day being home I would get more and more put down and my self esteem started to take a hit. I'm going to spend a lot more time working on projects I haven't been able to fully dedicate myself to. Also going to spend more time with friends.

Hey Sherlock,

So sorry this has happened to you. Like JNChell said, you absolutely did the right thing. Good job staying calm enough to make a clear decision. Many people who have been assaulted by a partner or former partner (myself included) don't report the incident, which only reinforces the behavior because there is no consequence.

This really speaks to me. You're right. She saw very clearly the consequences to what she did. I can't imagine jail was anything less that miserable and terrifying. And while I hope this helps to break down the no consequences mentality, being that she has BPD, I imagine she'll be twisting it in her mind to become the victim again.

In my uBPDh's case, he received probation and fines for most of the domestic violence charges he incurred (and there were many).

I think that's appropriate for what she did. Thanks for letting me know about that possibility. And he's a man, so I imagine she'll get it even lighter.

Don't be embarrassed by what happened. If you had tried to physically restrain her yourself or something like that, the situation could have become more dangerous or you could possibly have been falsely arrested yourself.

I know you must be reeling emotionally and mentally from the incident. Hopefully with the protection order you can have some peace and have time to process some of what you have been going through.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

Thank you Redeemed. I am ready to start healing... .

[JNChell]

Were the two of you living together, or was this during a visit to your/her place?

[once removed]

theres something incredibly jarring about being assaulted by someone you have loved.

how are you holding up?

[Turkish]

With the space I feel like I can actually start to heal from our destructive relationship.

This certainly is helpful  to you.  Even if you question if you might have handled it differently,  she committed a crime against you. 

My ex once punched her husband (the guy after me). She showed me two days later that the entire top of her hand was bruised.  She had to have left a mark on him.  She told me he said,  "you punched me! I should call the cops!" Yet he didn't.  I think she got off easy. 

Months later,  they called the cops on each other on Christmas eve.  Surprisingly, the cops didn't arrest either of them but warned them if they had to come back, one or both would be arrested.  Like your gf, he was on the lease so they couldn't force him to leave, but he had a place to go and they strongly encouraged him. They ceased co-habitating days later.

[SherlockTheDog]

Were the two of you living together, or was this during a visit to your/her place?

Yeah we've been living together for a year, and continued to after the breakup as she was/is moving out on Dec 1.

I think she wanted to just start a fight, bc there's no other reason to unplug the tv so I couldn't watch it. Very childish behavior that seems to be common with pwBPD.

theres something incredibly jarring about being assaulted by someone you have loved.

how are you holding up?

Yeah, it was so jarring I couldn't believe it. And it happened so quick, I wasn't expecting it. For her to hit me in the face and then immediately hit/scratch me in the neck was almost like I couldn't process it mentally. And I do still love her (not in-love) but love her, and it makes me sad that this is how her life has been before me, and going to be after me.

Ive been noticing a lot of things I want to text her, as if we were still together, things about work or co-workers. But I can't do that anymore, and I feel alittle sad about it.

This certainly is helpful  to you.  Even if you question if you might have handled it differently,  she committed a crime against you. 

My ex once punched her husband (the guy after me). She showed me two days later that the entire top of her hand was bruised.  She had to have left a mark on him.  She told me he said,  "you punched me! I should call the cops!" Yet he didn't.  I think she got off easy. 

Months later,  they called the cops on each other on Christmas eve.  Surprisingly, the cops didn't arrest either of them but warned them if they had to come back, one or both would be arrested.  Like your gf, he was on the lease so they couldn't force him to leave, but he had a place to go and they strongly encouraged him. They ceased co-habitating days later.

Yikes! That sounds even more serious than what happened to me. I try not to question it. Nothing can be done now about what happened in the past. I miss her, but I don't miss every single day of her pulling me down.

[JNChell]

We all understand the sadness that you’re feeling. Unfortunately, in these situations, with the reality comes sadness. It’s important that you go easy on yourself. Anyone here will tell you that.

You experienced a traumatic event that you said came out of nowhere. You weren’t expecting it. I am sorry for the loss of your relationship, but please understand that her moving out on the 1st is a good thing for you. I know that it hurts, but no one deserves to live that way. Take care of yourself, keep posting and get comfy with us. We’re happy to spend time with you.

[once removed]

have you spoken to her since?

[SherlockTheDog]

We’re happy to spend time with you.

Thank you soo much!

have you spoken to her since?

I haven't. There's a court order of protection now and she can't talk to me, be where I live, work, or hang out.

Tomorrow is suppose to be the move out date for her, so I guess i'll have to see who she sends to move her stuff. It's gonna be awkward bc I think her mom and brother are in town and were going to help move her. Bc she can't talk to me, idk what the plans are or if they've changed.

[Turkish]

It doesn't sound like it needs to be said to you,  but for the benefit of any lurkers in a similar situation, don't violate the order on your side as the plaintiff.  We've also seen members whose pwBPD instituted an order and the PwBPD contacted,  and it can turn into a mess. 

[JNChell]

Turkish is 100% right. Follow the order. That protective order gives you space and time. Do you feel like talking about that space and time again? I’m happy to talk if you are.

[SherlockTheDog]

Turkish is 100% right. Follow the order. That protective order gives you space and time. Do you feel like talking about that space and time again? I’m happy to talk if you are.

Well she's officially moved out. All of her furniture is gone... Walking into the apartment felt incredibly sad. I moved all my furniture to my bedroom, and so now it feels a little like a different apartment. I also got new sheets in a color I've never had before. And a new towel.

I just have this sadness sitting in me. Don't have to cry, but i feel like I want to. I feel like I broke it off because of her behavior and because it was the right thing for me, yet I'm the one sitting here alone. 

[JNChell]

I know that it hurts, but it sounds like you’re handling it well. It sounds like you’re able to sit with it, and although sad, you’re able to let those hard feelings pass as they come.

Relationships, BPD or not, are hard when they end. There’s a lot to let go of. You were emotionally invested and that’s not a small thing.  

Maybe the new space that you have in your apartment can be used as a fresh canvas for you to express yourself. It sounds like you’re already making subtle changes. I say run with it.

I empathize with your feelings of being the one sitting there alone. I know that hurt and confusion. What the hell happened, right? The thing is, is that you’re safe now. This is going to hurt for a while. It hurts when relationships end and this one was very unique. That’s why this support group exists. We’ve all been through very unique, confusing and hurtful experiences. You’re not alone here. You’re amongst fellow peers. I hope that you’re doing as well as you can be right now.

[SherlockTheDog]

. This is going to hurt for a while. It hurts when relationships end and this one was very unique. That’s why this support group exists. We’ve all been through very unique, confusing and hurtful experiences. You’re not alone here. You’re amongst fellow peers. I hope that you’re doing as well as you can be right now.

I think this hits the nail on the head. I was telling my friend she has BPD and he’s like “Lots of girls have that, pretty common” and then I was like “yeah and she was diagnosed” and he said  “Wait, she was diagnosed? Oh snap never mind that’s a whole nother thing idk man”

I find myself trying to justify my decision to myself, almost as if I’m talking to her and trying to apologize for perceived bad behavior. It’s that gas lighting that’s still  with me. I hope I don’t come out of this with toxic behavior with my next relationship... .Which I don’t plan on having for a long time

[Cromwell]

Hi SherlockTheDog

based on how well you know her, how do you think she would have felt if the cops had believed her version that you had actually been the instigator - grabbed and bruised her, and resulted in you being the one arrested instead?

[SherlockTheDog]

Hi SherlockTheDog

based on how well you know her, how do you think she would have felt if the cops had believed her version that you had actually been the instigator - grabbed and bruised her, and resulted in you being the one arrested instead?

I think she would have laughed and said how much of an idiot I was.

[I Am Redeemed]

I understand trying to justify your decision to yourself. I have done the same thing. It is definitely because of the gaslighting, projection and emotional abuse.

I heard "you're selfish, you're vindictive, you're petty, you're a liar,  you don't care about me" and stuff like that so much that I had a hard time separating the truth from the lies.

The truth was that he was the one who hurt me, severely injured me on several occasions. But I felt guilty that he suffered consequences, as if it was my fault. I got blamed for so much for so long that I felt guilty for things when the truth is that I held no responsibility for the outcome. His choices and his behavior were responsible.

It takes time to recover from gaslighting and other forms of manipulation. Kris Godinez has a YouTube channel with lots of good info about it. Also I have watched David Demars on YouTube, these two have helped me understand some of the abuse I experienced and how to move forward with the healing process.

Hang in there Sherlock, and just remember that you are not responsible for her choices, nor the consequences of her choices.

Redeemed

[Wakemeup]

Hey Sherlock,

Your situation reminds me so much of my own. Back in May my relationship ended when my partner was charged with domestic assault and my entire way of life literally changed overnight. At the time, I didn't know how I was ever going to put my life back together or if I even had the strength to do so.

The day my BPDex assaulted me was actually the first time it had happened and was truly the greatest shock of my life. As much as she was spiralling out of control, I never expected she would be capable of trying to hurt me physically. I still find it hard to believe I ever ended up in a relationship where I had to call the police on my partner. At the time, I also struggled with thoughts of guilt for having her arrested and so much confusion as to how my life ended up the way it did.

These days, I feel absolutely no guilt for having involved the authorities. I know for a fact she has done this to partners in the past and has always used her illness to justify her actions. Yes, she has BPD which I can sympathize with, but she also continues to make choices which hurt people emotionally and physically.

My hope is that being held accountable for her actions this time will make her at least consider the consequences before doing this to someone in the future. Also, the no contact order imposed upon her, enabled me to move on with my life without the fear of having to deal with her in any way.

You did the right thing that day. Your ex was out of control and nobody should be expected to put up with a partner who feels it's appropriate to physically assault someone they are in a relationship with. I guarantee she wouldn't have thought twice about having you arrested and charged, if you had been the one to put your hands on her. I'm sending positive vibes your way. I know how much it sucks but you will get through this and come out stronger on the other end.

[once removed]

I hope I don’t come out of this with toxic behavior with my next relationship... .Which I don’t plan on having for a long time

we will be tested again. how we respond to future adversity depends a lot on the lessons we learn, that we want to take into future relationships. i didnt fare so hot for a while myself 

there are wounds to be tended right now. in time, i encourage you to do some work with us on the Learning board. with some work, we can thrive in our future relationships.