I am back...after 9 years.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am back.  I was on this site back in 2011, I believe.  Of course I thought I was "healing" and fine and because at the time my undiagnosed ex BPD had initiated NC, I wrote on this site, felt supported, was working towards my own life betterment.  One year after our breakup and NC on his part (though I admit I tried to text once or twice about 3-6 months into the void), we ran into each other in public randomly but did not speak.  One month after that, I got a text from him.  

Unfortunately, since that day, and since the day I met him (I am approaching 9 years), this relationship has continued to set me back.  Time and time, year and year again.  My advice to anyone who is early on in a BPD relationship and has been treated poorly and inherently knows something is wrong, is to take the NC if it happens and run with it.  Initiate it! If the ex has initiated it, let them.  Block their numbers, their emails, their ways of contacting you.  I wish I had done so.  

I felt in 2012, a year after we broke up (horribly, by the way, involving a DUI, a smashed up car etc)., that I was strong enough to not let it happen again; to not let him back into my life or to hurt me the way he had before.  I was nowhere near ready.  I even thought recently after a 2 year break of not seeing him since 2016 (with very infrequent contact) that I would be able to handle it now, six years later. My father passed away tragically during that two year break, and suddenly all of my energy went to that - the focus shifted off of the ex.  He did not have an "in" to me during those two years because I was grieving, and naturally, he knew he was not capable of being a supportive or caring person.  A year and a half after my dad died, he contacted me to tell me he loved me, and that this was it.  He wanted the relationship, marriage, etc. I was very skeptical.  It took me 8 months of talking to him on phone and text to agree to trusting him and agreeing to the relationship (we live in different states).  It was a huge mistake. Within two months of agreeing to commit to him, the relationship collapsed completely with lots of chaos and drama within the two months we were most recently actually "back together." I am not any stronger or less susceptible now to the horrible pains and repetitive nature of this situation.  
I also feel I have just wasted yet another year of my life on this.  

It is easier said than done to leave.  I understand all of the reasons why.  However, if my own self-esteem had been higher and I had not been so soft and forgiving (these are good traits, but not with BPDs) then I do believe I would've never answered that first text a year after the breakup in 2012.  I would've had his number blocked.  I would've said no to his text.  So, I am now nine years later coming out of another majorly traumatic situation with this individual, and am finally facing and accepting that there is something wrong with me to have continued to stay, let the patterns repeat, get into horrible fights, become a person that I am not saying mean things, making threats, trying to force ultimatums, digging up old pains and instances to justify, prove, try to rationalize or be logical with an individual who simply is not capable of such and has patterned behavior and revisionist history.  

Quite honestly, I have been suffering major anxiety for the past two weeks since this ended, and I am certain that he is fine, probably drinking and playing video games and not sweating any of this. Ignoring texts and calls of mine begging to have closure or resolution as adults (we are in our 40s).  He is giving me "intermittent reinforcement" (either knowingly or unknowingly) by responding to every of my 50 texts with something somewhat positive (e.g. "I have no problem seeing you next time you're in town if that's what you want, I have no hard feelings about what happened" or "I'm still open to a physical relationship."  These intermittent spurts of reinforcement only keep me on the tender hooks wondering if he is really saying he regrets what happened, he feels guilty, he misses me, he does want to see me... .in other words... .is there still hope for this?  Red flag, right?  Right.

I have no doubt he would try to have the relationship again with me in 3 months, 6 months, a year (or some version of a quasi-dating, physical relationship).  That has been the pattern for 9 years.  I feel I am at Square 1, and need to take a long hard look at why I cannot let this relationship go despite the anxiety, abandonment, anger, worry, etc that has absolutely been destroying my life... .year after year after year. And also preventing me from finding a healthy person to be with.  Long story short, if you spend enough time with a BPD, you will start to feel that you are BPD.  It is time for me to let go and enforce NC forever.  I of course feel weak, as though I need to keep the line of communication open because I am curious if he will miss me, apologize, etc.  Regardless, I need to not care.  I need to not need him to apologize, express regret, discuss with me his impulsive choice to end the relationship (he dumped me three times within the two months we were "back together.")  It doesn't matter what he says.  It doesn't matter why he felt he needed to impulsively end the relationship.  What matters is that I understand that this will only continue to happen... .over and over and over again.  I once read a great article on Psychology Today's website, I believe, that said, "sure, stay in the relationship with a BPD if you are happy knowing that you will never get anything out of it."  And that's about as real as it gets.  The benefits (being on the pedestal and center of his attention, feeling like the woman he has always loved the most when he tells me these things) no longer outweigh the pain, suffering, and sadness I have been subjected to by being disposed of by this person over and over and over again... .and also called names, accused of things, cut off in communication, etc.    

Thanks for reading and I am glad to be back in a supportive group.  My therapist has suggested I treat getting out of this relationship like an addiction: so I am finding support from others, replacement behaviors instead of texting him, a different routine at night when I would most likely be talking on the phone with him, etc.  The intermittent reinforcement from him keeps triggering me, just like a mouse trying to get more food, to get more from him.  It must stop.  It already feels better to write about it since many people I know in my daily life have no idea what it is like to go through this, and this group is a supportive and understanding safe place to air my experiences and hurts.  Future forward!        

[futureforward]

I am back.  I was on this site back in 2011, I believe.  Of course I thought I was "healing" and fine and because at the time my undiagnosed ex BPD had initiated NC, I wrote on this site, felt supported, was working towards my own life betterment.  One year after our breakup and NC on his part (though I admit I tried to text once or twice about 3-6 months into the void), we ran into each other in public randomly but did not speak.  One month after that, I got a text from him.  

Unfortunately, since that day, and since the day I met him (I am approaching 9 years), this relationship has continued to set me back.  Time and time, year and year again.  My advice to anyone who is early on in a BPD relationship and has been treated poorly and inherently knows something is wrong, is to take the NC if it happens and run with it.  Initiate it! If the ex has initiated it, let them.  Block their numbers, their emails, their ways of contacting you.  I wish I had done so.  

I felt in 2012, a year after we broke up (horribly, by the way, involving a DUI, a smashed up car etc)., that I was strong enough to not let it happen again; to not let him back into my life or to hurt me the way he had before.  I was nowhere near ready.  I even thought recently after a 2 year break of not seeing him since 2016 (with very infrequent contact) that I would be able to handle it now, six years later. My father passed away tragically during that two year break, and suddenly all of my energy went to that - the focus shifted off of the ex.  He did not have an "in" to me during those two years because I was grieving, and naturally, he knew he was not capable of being a supportive or caring person.  A year and a half after my dad died, he contacted me to tell me he loved me, and that this was it.  He wanted the relationship, marriage, etc. I was very skeptical.  It took me 8 months of talking to him on phone and text to agree to trusting him and agreeing to the relationship (we live in different states).  It was a huge mistake. Within two months of agreeing to commit to him, the relationship collapsed completely with lots of chaos and drama within the two months we were most recently actually "back together." I am not any stronger or less susceptible now to the horrible pains and repetitive nature of this situation.  
I also feel I have just wasted yet another year of my life on this.  

It is easier said than done to leave.  I understand all of the reasons why.  However, if my own self-esteem had been higher and I had not been so soft and forgiving (these are good traits, but not with BPDs) then I do believe I would've never answered that first text a year after the breakup in 2012.  I would've had his number blocked.  I would've said no to his text.  So, I am now nine years later coming out of another majorly traumatic situation with this individual, and am finally facing and accepting that there is something wrong with me to have continued to stay, let the patterns repeat, get into horrible fights, become a person that I am not saying mean things, making threats, trying to force ultimatums, digging up old pains and instances to justify, prove, try to rationalize or be logical with an individual who simply is not capable of such and has patterned behavior and revisionist history.  

Quite honestly, I have been suffering major anxiety for the past two weeks since this ended, and I am certain that he is fine, probably drinking and playing video games and not sweating any of this. Ignoring texts and calls of mine begging to have closure or resolution as adults (we are in our 40s).  He is giving me "intermittent reinforcement" (either knowingly or unknowingly) by responding to every of my 50 texts with something somewhat positive (e.g. "I have no problem seeing you next time you're in town if that's what you want, I have no hard feelings about what happened" or "I'm still open to a physical relationship."  These intermittent spurts of reinforcement only keep me on the tender hooks wondering if he is really saying he regrets what happened, he feels guilty, he misses me, he does want to see me... .in other words... .is there still hope for this?  Red flag, right?  Right.

I have no doubt he would try to have the relationship again with me in 3 months, 6 months, a year (or some version of a quasi-dating, physical relationship).  That has been the pattern for 9 years.  I feel I am at Square 1, and need to take a long hard look at why I cannot let this relationship go despite the anxiety, abandonment, anger, worry, etc that has absolutely been destroying my life... .year after year after year. And also preventing me from finding a healthy person to be with.  Long story short, if you spend enough time with a BPD, you will start to feel that you are BPD.  It is time for me to let go and enforce NC forever.  I of course feel weak, as though I need to keep the line of communication open because I am curious if he will miss me, apologize, etc.  Regardless, I need to not care.  I need to not need him to apologize, express regret, discuss with me his impulsive choice to end the relationship (he dumped me three times within the two months we were "back together.")  It doesn't matter what he says.  It doesn't matter why he felt he needed to impulsively end the relationship.  What matters is that I understand that this will only continue to happen... .over and over and over again.  I once read a great article on Psychology Today's website, I believe, that said, "sure, stay in the relationship with a BPD if you are happy knowing that you will never get anything out of it."  And that's about as real as it gets.  The benefits (being on the pedestal and center of his attention, feeling like the woman he has always loved the most when he tells me these things) no longer outweigh the pain, suffering, and sadness I have been subjected to by being disposed of by this person over and over and over again... .and also called names, accused of things, cut off in communication, etc.    

Thanks for reading and I am glad to be back in a supportive group.  My therapist has suggested I treat getting out of this relationship like an addiction: so I am finding support from others, replacement behaviors instead of texting him, a different routine at night when I would most likely be talking on the phone with him, etc.  The intermittent reinforcement from him keeps triggering me, just like a mouse trying to get more food, to get more from him.  It must stop.  It already feels better to write about it since many people I know in my daily life have no idea what it is like to go through this, and this group is a supportive and understanding safe place to air my experiences and hurts.  Future forward!        

[Mustbeabetterway]

Dear Future Forward,

Hello,  I am so sorry to hear of all you have been through.  I’m glad you have reached out and understand what a supportive community we have with the BPD family.

I certainly understand how difficult it can be to get out of an addictive relationship.

Perhaps you can share what replacement behaviors you are trying instead of contacting your ex.

It has helped me to take good care of myself - eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, exercising, etc. 

Keep posting about your situation, we are listening,  it can also be helpful to join in on other member’s posts, too.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[once removed]

am finally facing and accepting that there is something wrong with me

i dont think its that there is something wrong with you (not that there arent lessons here to learn). theres a saying about dysfunctional relationships: "too good to go, too bad to stay". in that regard, NC is no cure for this. detaching is about emotionally letting go.

i do want to add that if you are going to be in contact, or if theres even a 5% chance of you reconciling the relationship, that youll do some work on the Bettering board, where you can learn tools, get real support and feedback, and do things very differently. recycling a relationship is more the norm than the exception... .but multiple make up/breakup cycles damage a relationship over time.

in any event, dont go underwater from your support group. we can walk with you and support you in whichever direction you decide to go.

the relationship collapsed completely with lots of chaos and drama within the two months we were most recently actually "back together."

what happened? who broke up with whom?

[Turkish]

What was this last majorly traumatic situation?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FF, Welcome back, though I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that caused you to return.  We are here to help.  BPD casts a long shadow so you are not alone, believe me.  As hard as things are for you now, I get the sense that you are learning and growing from your experiences, which is the gift of BPD.  I've been through the crucible, too, and am here to confirm that it's possible to find greater happiness on the other side.

LuckyJim

[futureforward]

i dont think its that there is something wrong with you (not that there arent lessons here to learn). theres a saying about dysfunctional relationships: "too good to go, too bad to stay". in that regard, NC is no cure for this. detaching is about emotionally letting go.

i do want to add that if you are going to be in contact, or if theres even a 5% chance of you reconciling the relationship, that youll do some work on the Bettering board, where you can learn tools, get real support and feedback, and do things very differently. recycling a relationship is more the norm than the exception... .but multiple make up/breakup cycles damage a relationship over time.

in any event, dont go underwater from your support group. we can walk with you and support you in whichever direction you decide to go.

what happened? who broke up with whom?

[futureforward]

First of all, thanks everyone for the responses and support.  After 8 months of talking and texting, I went to visit him and we had a great 4-5 days together.  We saw each other once more after that, when he invited me to his family reunion.  Because we live in different states, we continued to talk and text.  He was told to move out of a house he was paying rent at with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend (with whom he did not get along).  That should've been a red flag.  He asked me to sign a lease with him on an apartment since we had decided we were going to try the relationship again.  He promised me the moon, that he would never forget how much I was there for him when his other friends were not, etc.  I felt uneasy about it, but I was trusting that things would be different this time, and a lease signaled more commitment on his part than I have seen since we originally broke up in 2011.  I trusted that things would work out, perhaps not perfectly smoothly, but that we were committed to the relationship and I would spend my holiday breaks there with him at the apartment, parts of summer, etc until I could find a job there and move there permanently. 

Long story short, about a month ago, I went to visit him, got the apartment all set up, we had a great 4-5 days together and the night before I left he lost his temper with me on my suggestion that he take some leftover soup I had made to work to give to his coworker/friend.  He doesn't eat leftovers.  But I hated to waste the soup that I made (his favorite kind of course) and he said we would dump it down the garbage disposal.  I had an annoyed tone with him and said "it was a lot of work to make the soup" and from there, he began calling me names that I will not repeat here and told me to get all of my things and get out, that I could go stay at a hotel, that he wanted me to move out.   He didn't talk to me and drove me to the airport in silence the next morning, and after that would not respond to calls or texts.  It took about 10 days for him to somewhat try to make up, but he never apologized. 

About a week after that was "resolved" I asked him to do something he had promised to do when we signed the lease, and he texted me that he wouldn't, and that there were some things I'd just have to learn to live with.  When I said that wasn't good enough, he texted me back to "get lost forever then." He wouldn't call or text me for two days.  I finally just bought a plane ticket, flew there, rented a car, shipped all of my things home and carried it all out and donated the rest of the things/furniture I had purchased for the apartment to Goodwill.  He of course did not help with any of this, and called me names and was angry the entire time I was there.  He would call his dad and air his grievances with me on the phone right in front of me as I was trying to pack it all up and leave.  I just could not take the constant abandonment/his ending the relationship every two weeks over minutia... .and especially felt taken for granted after all I did to sign the lease with him and also get the apartment set up.

My anxiety level just skyrocketed, so I moved everything out.  I contacted the apartment complex and they said it was no problem if I wanted to be removed from the lease if he would sign an addendum.  I signed my portion and sent it in over 2 weeks ago and he still has not signed it.  He has had me talk to his father on email about paying me back for some the of expenses I incurred in getting the apartment set up.  He had nothing to do with the finances of it, and his dad has sent me a check for half of everything, which I appreciate.  But again, we are in our 40s.  It should not be like this - but it is. I am just drained, exhausted, tired of the same drama (he used to move out every 2-3 weeks when he was living at my house back in 2011).  Nothing has changed with the on/off pattern.           

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, FF, It sounds like you are moving in a healthier direction.  If I could make a suggestion, it would be to treat yourself with kindness and compassion after going through that ordeal.  Those w/BPD will generally blame the Non for any breakup, so be careful about taking on all the responsibility for the breakdown in your r/s.  In other words, don't beat yourself up!  You are doing what's right for you, which is what it's all about.

LJ