I think I am a fixer and thats my downfall

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

Not posted on here for a while but still read avidly.

I think I am a fixer/have a saviour mentality.  And possibly empathic.  This I believe is my downfall.  When I was younger and my brother gave my mum a really hard time (going AWOL from the Army, writing his car off when she was a guarantor with no spare money), I was always trying to make life better for her; kind of stepped in to an adult role at 15-16 years of age.  Went overboard at Christmas as she had been a single parent all my life and when I started earning I wanted to shower her with gifts she hadn't been able to afford herself.  When I started getting in to relationships I always helped my other half get better jobs, re-wrote their CV's etc, only for the relationship to fail and they were off living a grand life whilst I was back to square one.

I think what really has hit home lately with regards to my fixer/saviour mentality is the scale of kids beating the living daylights out of other kids and sharing the video on snapchat.  I can't watch these videos as it breaks my heart and it makes me feel sick to my stomach (I was bullied as a kid and can't imagine how awful it must be for everyone to laugh at it online).  I get so angry and just wish I could make things better for them.  I literally can ruminate about something I've read or seen for days or weeks on end just feeling sorrow and wishing I could mend it.  I've thought about campaigning to get videos of kids beating up others and uploaded on to snapchat and other social media a hate crime but have no idea where I would start with that.  A mother and daughter (close to my own daughters age) in our city were brutually murdered by the husband and step-father back in May.  Took me weeks to stop ruminating over that and followed the story intensely.  I felt immense sorrow, even though I didn't personally know them and when their funeral cortege passed by my work (highly publicised as was held in our huge cathedral) it was so so sad and I ended up blarting like an idiot.

I guess that's why I fell for my friends woe's over and over again and kept accepting his apology.  I wanted to help him and show him that people cared and loved him.   I have been in no contact with him for the past 4 months now (he's kept no contact for 10 months) and I am sure if he made contact I would stick to no contact; but god damn this fixer/saviour mentality of mine.  

Anybody else struggle with having a fixer/saviour mentality?

[Stjarna]

Oh yes, I can definitely identify.  I am a classic "fixer." 

What I ultimately have learned is a measure of humility - that I am just "little old me."  I do not possess any professional training to help those around me who flail through life in their dysfunction.  And what I had labeled as "loving support" ultimately turned out to be enabling behaviors that allowed them to stay in their dysfunction and not attempt to grow.  I was like the crutch that kept them limping along on their "bad leg" rather than get definitive treatment so they could walk again without a limp, under their own power - to use a crude analogy.  I had to learn to be responsible for myself and my own actions only.  I had to learn that you can be loving and separate that from the "fixing" actions.  Before a lot of therapy and practice, these two things were one and the same to me. 

There are a lot of resources on this board about boundaries.  This is one of the things I was able to put into practice, in baby steps, even though at times it felt foreign, and this is what is changing my own life now for the better.  And... .who'da thunk it, but the dysfunctional people in my life are doing better also.  It's not perfect, and those feelings of wanting to step in and ease others' pain still haunt me from time to time, but this is getting to be less and less as time goes on.  I have turned some of that caring energy towards myself, which was also foreign, but in the end, a strong "me" is the best I can offer my kids and people I truly care about. 

I think you are on the right path!  Asking questions and getting your thoughts out can help you sort it all out. 

[Clearmind]

Having compassion for someone else at the expense of your own happiness can create a lot of stress. Caring so much about another can cause a lot of denial about how much it actually affects us - we become fatigued and can resent the other person if our helping/compassion is not fixing the issue.

Boundaries are certainly important - boundaries on how you deserve to be treated. Learning resilience and learning to manage sadness and emotional pain.

Often we help others, at the expense of ourselves due to low self-worth or our childhood dictated that the welfare of others is more important than our own.

Do check out how to build resilience and also seek out some info on boundary setting. 

[Lucky Jim]

Often we help others, at the expense of ourselves due to low self-worth or our childhood dictated that the welfare of others is more important than our own.

Agree, Clearmind.  Compassion is one thing; care-taking is another.  Often care-taking is a way to avoid facing one's own issues.  On the surface, it seems "noble" to help someone, yet in my view creates an unhealthy dynamic for the both the care giver and the recipient.

Hey insideoutside, I don't think "fixing" is necessarily your downfall, because you have self-awareness about it, which to me means you can change it and/or elect to decline to fix in certain situations.  Mindfulness makes the difference, in my view.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

Yes, an empath and a people-pleaser. I endured anything with the hope that he would one day accept me.

I remember once asking him to say something nice about me here-and-there because that's what loving spouses do, and he said that he didn't believe in flattery.  Early in our relationship, he was really good at that. Not over-the-top, but I knew he was glad we were together. Later, nope.

Boundaries are key, and strengthening who you are and how you expect to be treated, even at work and by friends.

[Insom]

Hey, insideoutside, thanks for checking back in.  Our stories are similar enough that I'm always interested in what you have to say. 

I think I am a fixer/have a saviour mentality.  And possibly empathic.  This I believe is my downfall.

How is this a downfall?  In what ways has it gotten you into trouble?

[MeandThee29]

How is this a downfall?  In what ways has it gotten you into trouble?

FWIW, I'm learning that being an empath isn't bad. What is bad, is an empath with few boundaries.

I'm not there yet, but getting there.

[Insom]

I'm learning that being an empath isn't bad. What is bad, is an empath with few boundaries. I'm not there yet, but getting there.

Nice observation, MeandThee29.  Would you like to say more about what getting there with boundaries looks like for you?  Are you able to feel your edges more now?  Or were they always there and you just ignored them? 

Has anyone read The Empath's Survival Guide by Judith Orloff?  A friend recommended it recently and I found parts of it very interesting. 

[insideoutside]

Hey, insideoutside, thanks for checking back in.  Our stories are similar enough that I'm always interested in what you have to say.  

How is this a downfall?  In what ways has it gotten you into trouble?

I put people first at times; ,make sure their wishes and wants are first and foremost before my own.  I also get frustrated that things aren't reciprocated at times.  You know when you put yourself out or buy something you can ill afford to do and its just taken for granted and not reciprocated? You expect somebody to treat you the same as you do them and when they don't, it makes me realise my boundaries are weak or I'm a soft touch/people pleaser.  For example; when I met my friend in January, I paid for the hotel room.  He stayed 3 hours (after badgering me to get a room so we had plenty of time to chat), didn't buy one drink or offer to meet me half way with the cost of the room when I could had stayed at my sisters house and not cost me any money.  He made some quip a couple of days later about something so I called him out on him not buying a drink and only staying 3 hours therefore the hotel room was pointless and he got annoyed with me and I ended up apologising.  Same thing with my mum; she's a nightmare at times and really doesn't think before she opens her mouth and when I get upset with her she goes in to silent mode so I end up apologising.  Saying that though, I've stood my ground and haven't contacted her since April after her telling me I had nothing to be depressed about as I have a husband (who cheated on me and fathered a child in that affair), a job (which I absolutely despise at times due to a certain manager having a power trip) and a roof over my head (which is rented and I pay a fortune for and is about as secure as a chocolate fireguard).  I also haven't contacted my friend since August either.  Wished him a happy 50th birthday in May as I know he was dreading it and not got much family around.  Did receive a thank you from him but he made no attempt at trying to put things right between us after calling me staggeringly arrogant when I called him out on him using people.  In August I noticed he was following a page on Facebook that I go to so I asked him not to (as in my mind that's keeping tabs on me without actually wanting me in his life) and was met with the usual retort.  And here I am hoping that the email waiting to be opened will be from him, apologising and wishing me a happy Christmas, which of course it isn't. FML.

[zachira]

Being a fixer, may actually be what you were taught to do while growing up, because you were expected to take care of your parents' needs first. It can also be a natural part of who you are. Some people are natural empaths, and get their joy in life out of helping others. What is true, is nobody likes to be taken advantage of or unappreciated. Our best characteristics can be taken advantage of at times. Your challenges may be to recognize who you can help, and not to be a rescuer, which maybe is what you are partly referring to when you call yourselves a fixer. Many people who post here, are natural caretakers, and came to a point where they got tired of the lack of reciprocity in their relationships, and start working on better boundaries with those who take advantage of them. I like to think that our role in life is to be the best person we can be while bringing out the best in others, which includes not enforcing the bad behaviors of others.

[Lucky Jim]

he got annoyed with me and I ended up apologising.  Same thing with my mum; she's a nightmare at times and really doesn't think before she opens her mouth and when I get upset with her she goes in to silent mode so I end up apologising.

Hey I/O, I did a lot of apologizing, too, in my marriage to my BPDxW, yet now I view it as an unhealthy dynamic.  Why should you apologize when you haven't done anything wrong?  It's OK to let people deal with their own issues.

LJ

[Insom]

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of sadness right now, insideoutside, not just your own, but other people's, too.  Would it be fair to say you had high hopes that reconnecting with your ex might relieve some of those sad feelings? 

I can relate to how frustrating it can feel to love someone with BPD . . . for me there was a promise of love that didn't unfold the way I'd hoped.  And then crushing disappointment and anger when it dawned on me how much he actually demanded from me.

I'm with zachira, no on likes being taken advantage of or feeling unappreciated.  Have you thought at all about what your own emotional needs are?  Do you have a baseline need for care and support?  Is it being met within your current circle of relationships?

Nice observation, too, by LJ.

[insideoutside]

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of sadness right now, insideoutside, not just your own, but other people's, too.  Would it be fair to say you had high hopes that reconnecting with your ex might relieve some of those sad feelings?  

I can relate to how frustrating it can feel to love someone with BPD . . . for me there was a promise of love that didn't unfold the way I'd hoped.  And then crushing disappointment and anger when it dawned on me how much he actually demanded from me.

I'm with zachira, no on likes being taken advantage of or feeling unappreciated.  Have you thought at all about what your own emotional needs are?  Do you have a baseline need for care and support?  Is it being met within your current circle of relationships?

Nice observation, too, by LJ.

Yeah feeling sadness; guess Christmas brings that out doesn’t it?  This year not talking to my friend and my mum is kinda sad.  Actually I hate Christmas.  Each year it’s filled with the same old disappointments.  My husband can’t be bothered to use his brain to think of a surprise gift EVER,  I always try to get him surprises and make a huge fuss of my daughter but again, it’s never damn well reciprocated and I’m done with it.  I’ve just lost my sh.it at the both of them over dinner and now I feel bad as I’ve made her cry and probably made he feel like sh.it.  But I feel done.  And now I’m upset. 

[once removed]

My husband can’t be bothered to use his brain to think of a surprise gift EVER,  I always try to get him surprises and make a huge fuss of my daughter but again, it’s never damn well reciprocated and I’m done with it.  I’ve just lost my sh.it at the both of them over dinner and now I feel bad as I’ve made her cry and probably made he feel like sh.it.  But I feel done.  And now I’m upset. 

okay. you like surprises, and thoughtful gifts.

often times, we try to teach others how to best love us. others tend to love us in the ways they know, and do best. and sometimes theres frustration with that in between, on both sides.

its not always the best method of getting our needs met.

to what extent have you communicated all of this with your husband? what have you heard from him when you did?

[insideoutside]

It’s not that I like surprises or thoughtful gifts per se; I just never get them.  It always feels like an after thought; like I’m an after thought.  When I’ve asked my husband to get me a surprise he bought a bottle of southern comfort.  I already had half a bottle open that I bought myself. He said he has no idea what to buy me and just get myself something and he will give me the money.  What’s the point of that?  Truth be told he can’t be bothered to try.  Just like our marriage when he walked out and had an affair.

I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment.  Part of me thinks reaching out and putting things right with my friend would help but part of me 1. Can’t face any rejection and 2. I don’t think it’s on me to apologise.  I know come Christmas Day I will feel sad deep down whilst trying to put a happy face on.

[Insom]

Part of me thinks reaching out and putting things right with my friend would help but part of me 1. Can’t face any rejection and 2. I don’t think it’s on me to apologise.

I can relate to feeling like reaching out might help.  Am I correct in remembering your last interaction with your ex/friend was an unpleasant one (an argument with threats) and that he asked you not to contact him again?  If so, you're probably right to anticipate rejection and hostility from him.

It always feels like an after thought; like I’m an after thought.  When I’ve asked my husband to get me a surprise he bought a bottle of southern comfort.  I already had half a bottle open that I bought myself. He said he has no idea what to buy me and just get myself something and he will give me the money.  What’s the point of that?  Truth be told he can’t be bothered to try.  Just like our marriage when he walked out and had an affair.

It sounds like you want to feel special and cherished in a way you currently don't feel in your marriage.  Do you recall feeling cherished by your husband in the past?  Or have you always felt like an afterthought?

[once removed]

He said he has no idea what to buy me

it may be that hes not a thoughtful gift giver.

its probably also to some extent that you dont communicate these things, insideout. people cant read our minds, and a surprise gift can mean anything.

ive expected people close to me to know what i want or need, and been frustrated or disappointed when they didnt deliver. weve all been there. sometimes we have to communicate these things. sometimes we have to tell others how they can best support us, show they love us, what we want or need from them.

to some extent, we also have to model it, to do those things for others. it builds understanding. it builds good will. and it often comes back ten fold.

make sense?

[insideoutside]

I can relate to feeling like reaching out might help.  Am I correct in remembering your last interaction with your ex/friend was an unpleasant one (an argument with threats) and that he asked you not to contact him again?  If so, you're probably right to anticipate rejection and hostility from him.

It sounds like you want to feel special and cherished in a way you currently don't feel in your marriage.  Do you recall feeling cherished by your husband in the past?  Or have you always felt like an afterthought?

Hi Insom

It all fell apart in February as I felt he had used me.  I vocalised this and he went in to silent mode.  I reached out a couple of times; one time trying to be jovial and calling him stubborn but I would still be his friend when he was ready and we should be stop being too good at walking away as something obviously keeps bringing us back together again.  The response I got from him was vitriol.  He said I was staggeringly arrogant, full of bulls**t and excuses and he would never read or respond to one of my texts ever again.  He said if I cared to call him and apologise then he MIGHT answer the phone.  Stupidly I tried to call to put things right but it kept going to voicemail.  I was so upset and angry that I left him a voicemail in retaliation saying if I ever heard from him again I would contact his agent to say that they had a sexual predator on their books (he's a small time actor so is well aware of metoo) as I knew he would never jeopardise his career as he thinks he's the bees knees in that area of his life.  He then left me several voicemails following that saying that what I had said was below the belt and that he knew that wasn't me and I would end up regretting what I said for my peace of mind.  I did try to apologise again 4 weeks later as yes it did play on my mind but received no response.  I wished him happy birthday 2 months later and got a thank you and haven't heard from him since 10th May.  I do keep getting odd phone calls; withheld numbers, spoofed numbers (look like a mobile number but with one extra digit that can't be called back and fake international numbers).  Never get these when we are in contact.  I don't answer them as I don't know for sure who or what they are.  I do wonder if his sole purpose when he reconnected with me last December was to use me and discard me following the horrible argument we had had earlier last year.  A punishment per se.

I have never felt cherished in my life; well I say that but I was a bit of a granddad's girl and I know he loved me.  And I know my daughter loves me with no limits, like I do her.  But I have never felt cherished by my mum or any romantic partner. 

[insideoutside]

it may be that hes not a thoughtful gift giver.

its probably also to some extent that you dont communicate these things, insideout. people cant read our minds, and a surprise gift can mean anything.

ive expected people close to me to know what i want or need, and been frustrated or disappointed when they didnt deliver. weve all been there. sometimes we have to communicate these things. sometimes we have to tell others how they can best support us, show they love us, what we want or need from them.

to some extent, we also have to model it, to do those things for others. it builds understanding. it builds good will. and it often comes back ten fold.

make sense?

Hi Once Removed

I do feel I communicate it but I am also the type to say 'oh don't waste your money on me' and 'I don't need anything' and then of course I am massively disappointed when they take my words literally.  On my 40th birthday (6 years ago now) my husband nor daughter wished me a happy birthday and didn't make the day special at all; so I left my presents untouched and unopened for nearly a week.  I was so hurt and so angry and went to work in tears.  I looked at all my friends who were turning 40 and their partners threw them parties, put banners and balloons up and some went on holidays of a lifetime.  I didn't even get a happy birthday.  I refused to speak to my mum a couple of days prior to my 40th due to something I had found out that upset me and she said to my partner 'what's up with her, depressed she's getting old' rather than looking at herself and identifying why I might be upset with her.  I have also not received a gift from her in 7 years.  My mum has also ruined birthdays in the past.  When I was little I was due to go see my favourite pop star.  Something happened that annoyed my mum and she refused to take me to the show and my grandparents had to step in.  I was about 8 or 9.  On my 18th birthday she got the hump over something and didn't wish me a happy birthday and left my present on the kitchen table.  18th is supposed to be a special birthday is it not; no not for me it wasn't.  It was just another day like the day before.

Sorry, I will pull myself out of this slump.

[once removed]

I do feel I communicate it but I am also the type to say 'oh don't waste your money on me' and 'I don't need anything' and then of course I am massively disappointed when they take my words literally. 

insideout, unrealistic expectations set us up for pain and disappointment.

if someone asks you what they can do for your birthday, and you tell them "nothing", theyre going to take you at your word.

dont expect people to automatically intuit your needs or desires. to a reasonable extent, we have to communicate these things.