Finally cried

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

When I broke up with my gf wBPD, there was a lot of crying with her. But once we were officially broken up, her attitude completely changed, and I was now seen as the most evil person in the entire world. Her behavior then on was abusive.

She officially moved out on Saturday. And since I’ve felt like I’ve had to cry but couldn’t.

This morning, after reading the forums about marrying someone with BPD, I finally was able to let it all out. I love her so much, but I can’t help her and being unable to help her makes me feel guilty and sad.

Even though I’m the one who broke up with her, I’m morning the relationship too. It’s not all “yay I broke up everything’s better now” This was totally unexpected.

I miss her. I miss texting her stupid things about what’s going on during the day. I’ve given up so much, but I also gave up so much when we were together. I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything that’s happened. Loving someone with BPD was at times the best I’ve ever felt in my life, and the worst I’ve ever felt... .And the good times were so good.

Unfortunately she’s not not herself when she’s down, or is herself when she’s up. I just miss her.

I was thinking about writing a letter to her of everything I’d want to say, and then not send it. There’s an order of protection and she’s not allowed to talk to me. I feel like a letter would break down her defense and shed no longer hate me. I hate that she says she now hates me. I pulled the rug from under her so I understand.

I just miss her. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t everythinf have been good? I did nothing but love her. I don’t understand why can’t the bad just go away and we could have been happily ever after! I don’t understand!

I feel like I’m mourning someone I love and deeply care about, even though she’s still alive.

[SherlockTheDog]

Hi all,

When I broke up with my gf wBPD, there was a lot of crying with her. But once we were officially broken up, her attitude completely changed, and I was now seen as the most evil person in the entire world. Her behavior then on was abusive.

She officially moved out on Saturday. And since I’ve felt like I’ve had to cry but couldn’t.

This morning, after reading the forums about marrying someone with BPD, I finally was able to let it all out. I love her so much, but I can’t help her and being unable to help her makes me feel guilty and sad.

Even though I’m the one who broke up with her, I’m morning the relationship too. It’s not all “yay I broke up everything’s better now” This was totally unexpected.

I miss her. I miss texting her stupid things about what’s going on during the day. I’ve given up so much, but I also gave up so much when we were together. I’m just trying to wrap my head around everything that’s happened. Loving someone with BPD was at times the best I’ve ever felt in my life, and the worst I’ve ever felt... .And the good times were so good.

Unfortunately she’s not not herself when she’s down, or is herself when she’s up. I just miss her.

I was thinking about writing a letter to her of everything I’d want to say, and then not send it. There’s an order of protection and she’s not allowed to talk to me. I feel like a letter would break down her defense and shed no longer hate me. I hate that she says she now hates me. I pulled the rug from under her so I understand.

I just miss her. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t everythinf have been good? I did nothing but love her. I don’t understand why can’t the bad just go away and we could have been happily ever after! I don’t understand!

I feel like I’m mourning someone I love and deeply care about, even though she’s still alive.

[Mutt]

being unable to help her makes me feel guilty and sad.

There's probably a good reason why you broke up with her? It would also probably be easier if an ex were less dramatic and healhier in general then there would be more civility from the other end. I would find that easier but if someone splits you black and is being emotionally abusive it's a lot more difficult.

I was thinking about writing a letter to her of everything I’d want to say, and then not send it. There’s an order of protection and she’s not allowed to talk to me.

Don't do it if there is an order of protection you did the right thing by writing what you feel here if you want to write your letter and share it here on the boards with us.

I just miss her. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t everythinf have been good? I did nothing but love her. I don’t understand why can’t the bad just go away and we could have been happily ever after! I don’t understand!

You're experiencing loss mourning and feeling grief is normal many people here on the boards loved their pwBPD and when things got more chaotic they would try to display more love and things would get even more chaotic. Our love is not above the disorder, it's not going to magically cure our exes, BPD is a serious mental illness that requires therapy to overcome and it has to come from the pwBPD they have to be determined to help themselves in order to become better nobody else can do that for them love can't what I would suggest is redirect that love that you have for her I'm not saying to be indifferent to her go through the process of grieving what I am saying is show yourself self compassion during a difficult period like this.

[once removed]

grief is hard, Sherlock.

it can help to cry... .to acknowledge our grief and our mourning. its important not to fight these feelings, or run from them.

It’s not all “yay I broke up everything’s better now”

no... .it rarely is, even when we have grieved the relationship on some level already.

I miss her. I miss texting her stupid things about what’s going on during the day. I’ve given up so much, but I also gave up so much when we were together.

it will help to surround yourself with as much love as possible, from friends and family, and your support group here. it will also help, as you are ready, to return to those things you gave up, as well as to find new things to pour into... .new skills, hobbies, etc. but inevitably, you are going to miss your friend and loved one.

I was thinking about writing a letter to her of everything I’d want to say, and then not send it.

this can be a helpful exercise. a lot led up to the breakup, and after the domestic violence, to move to hard and fast no contact is really jarring. im sure theres a lot on your mind, and it will helpful to get it out. we would certainly appreciate reading it if you want to share.

I just miss her. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t everythinf have been good? I did nothing but love her. I don’t understand why can’t the bad just go away and we could have been happily ever after! I don’t understand!

its hard, man  . i feel your pain. things do get better.

[SherlockTheDog]

Thank you for the encouragement. This is so difficult. Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Hi Elly,

I'm not sure how we got to where we're at right now. I'm confused and hurt. The past two-three weeks have gone in such a wild direction. I'm hurt, and sad, and I wish things could have ended differently. I know how hurt you must be, and how you feel like the rug was pulled from under you. I wish this would have been easier.

I know you hate me now, but I want you to know that these past two years have been the absolute best I've ever had. You fulfilled a side of me I always thought would stay empty. I loved you with all of my heart, and every cell in my body. I especially loved when you would sleep talk and I'd say I love you and you would mumble back that you loved me too. I'll never forget the good times we've had together- And we had a ton! And I still love you and miss you soo much, and only want the best for you. I only wish for you to have the happiest most fulfilled life you could possibly live. You deserve to be happy, and have everything you want in life (including Mini Elly, who I know will be fabulous!)

Im still in the apartment we got together. I remember when we got a drink next door to celebrate. Haven't found anyone yet to take the lease. Every where I look a flashback appears in my mind, as if you're here and I'm back in that moment. The good times are what stick out to me the most. Your presence from this apartment is gone, and I never imagined this would happen. It's sad here. I wish I could hold you again. I wish things could be different. I wish I could feel the way I felt before we looked at engagement rings. Everything I did I did with the intention of following through. Only after ring shopping did the whole relationship come into focus - And I tried and did everything I possibly could for you, and I thought I could heal you, but I failed... .

I want you to know that I'm sorry I'm not the strong person you need me to be. That you feel like I gave up on you, or that you feel like I threw you our like trash. But it's not how I feel. When you told me you had BPD, the first thing I did was research it. I wanted to know as much about it as possible so that I could better understand you, and could help you as much as I could. Having a better understanding of it, I thought, would give me the leg up and we could get through it together. And it is not your fault, I know you feel like you didn't do anything wrong, and there wasn't any single thing you did that you could be like "That was what the issue was." It was slow and I brushed everything under the rug - so that you could be happy, or feel sad instead, even when I was feeling sad. I put your feelings above mine every time because I loved you. And I only wish my love could have gone further.

I've been so worn out these past coupe months. I think somewhere during that time the ups and downs really took it's tole on me, and I fell out of being in-love. I put up with everything you threw my way because I loved you - and I hope you can one day look back and see all the positive I brought to your life.

When you hit me in the face, and scratched my neck - I was in shock. I couldn't believe you had done that. Someone I love and deeply care about physically hitting me - my brain couldn't process it. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted you to leave. When the police came, they asked me what I wanted to do, and I asked if for the night they would be able to tell you to go somewhere else. Because you're on the lease they couldn't. I never wanted you to get arrested, and I couldn't stop thinking about what you must've been going through. And I felt guilty that that happened. As soon as it was official that we were broken up, you quickly seemed to change. You went from this sweet, goofy and loving girl, to being sarcastic and saying as mean of things as possible to me. I felt like suddenly I was in the movie mean girls. I know you were trying to hurt me bc of how much I hurt you. And how you felt like the rug was pulled from under your feet... .And you succeeded. Every day I came home my self esteem would take hit after hit. I would try to brush it off, but some of them hit me really hard. And every day I felt worse and worse. And then it got to the point that it got to.

I'm always going to carry you with me. The good and goofy times, and when you needed to cry on my shoulder. I don't blame you for the things you did. I feel incredibly sad for being the one to hurt you so badly. And I wish we could have just been happily ever after, like we planned.

Im not sure what else to say to you... .I feel like this will be my only chance to ever say anything to you again... .I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, and I'll never forget how much you loved me.

I want you to be well, to have a great career, to have great friends. I love you, and miss you so much. You deserve to be loved as much as you've loved me.

Love,
Sherlock

[once removed]

that hit me like a ton of bricks sherlock. a lot of love there, and a lot of pain. its a beautiful, and heartfelt letter.

there will come a time one day, when those good memories wont hurt to think about.

[SherlockTheDog]

that hit me like a ton of bricks sherlock. a lot of love there, and a lot of pain. its a beautiful, and heartfelt letter.

there will come a time one day, when those good memories wont hurt to think about.

Thank you for listening

[Mutt]

Hi SherlockTheDog,

That was a deep letter, I can really relate to your words and experience. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

As soon as it was official that we were broken up, you quickly seemed to change. You went from this sweet, goofy and loving girl, to being sarcastic and saying as mean of things as possible to me. I felt like suddenly I was in the movie mean girls. I know you were trying to hurt me bc of how much I hurt you

This is really tough, like I said I can relate with what you went through and I recall a moment like this with exuBPDw it's like as if a light switch went off and the person that I knew disappeared and was replaced with someone always mad at me for things that I hadn't done I didn't know what she was talking about it felt like a deep sadness. The anger that was directed at you was misdirected anger you're not responsible for the disorder. I've said some things that I regretted too, keep in mind that a pwBPD know how to push your buttons and they'll push all of them, cut yourself some slack if you feel guilty about that.

[SherlockTheDog]

Hi SherlockTheDog,

That was a deep letter, I can really relate to your words and experience. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

This is really tough, like I said I can relate with what you went through and I recall a moment like this with exuBPDw it's like as if a light switch went off and the person that I knew disappeared and was replaced with someone always mad at me for things that I hadn't done I didn't know what she was talking about it felt like a deep sadness. The anger that was directed at you was misdirected anger you're not responsible for the disorder. I've said some things that I regretted too, keep in mind that a pwBPD know how to push your buttons and they'll push all of them, cut yourself some slack if you feel guilty about that.

Thank you Mutt for your insight. I felt the same way, saying things I shouldn’t have. But she pushed buttons no one ever pushed and it felt immature but I said things I shouldn’t have.

I think what’s stuck with me was “Where did the person I love disappear to so suddenly?” I like to think she became a different person, but it’s much harder for me to understand that all of this is really her.

[Red5]

I think what’s stuck with me was “Where did the person I love disappear to so suddenly?” I like to think she became a different person, but it’s much harder for me to understand that all of this is really her.

Me2 Sherlock... .my pw/BPD, uBPD wife of almost eight years now, she moved out yesterday was a week ago.

So here I sit, in an empty house, as she took all the furniture... .oh' well, it was all her stuff anyways... .

I too have been struggling with all of this for several weeks now, after we had our big fight, (long story), and I told her either you leave, or me and my son will leave... so she left... .

Who am I missing, did she ever really exist, .more and more, I realize that no, she was only an illusion... .what I have come to understand about BPD... is that I was in love with a mirage.

Tough stuff, hope you are doing alright today... .keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sherlock, I think it's healthy to let one's feelings out, by crying or otherwise, so keep processing your emotions.  You could also: write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, meet with a T, take a walk in the woods, practice mindfulness, etc.  A lot of pressure can build up in a BPD r/s, so letting off steam is a good thing, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Hopefulgirl]

Sherlockthe Dog, crying is lethargic. I used to do that a lot until I got to the point where I was crying everywhere, the gym the grocery store cocktail party ... .And I'm not even " a crier" !

I don't know if you can relate to this or any but he else in this board but here's a story.
Some time ago I was with a bunch of close friends at a dinner party at someone's house. After some wine  we started having this deep conversation about what was the happiest times of Our Lives. So we started go around the table and everybody was to say what the happiest time of their life was.We exempted wedding day and birth of baby LOL. So the first thing that pops in my head was the time I spent with my ex love before it all went to bits. So that's what I blurted out even though big part of me felt embarrassed to say it almost ashamed. I looked at my friends faces and all I could see really was pity. Most of them know what I went through, and they do not think very much of him. And one of my close friends said to me-

" the person who can bring us the most joy and happiness also has the power to bring us the most pain and sadness"

When my ex transitioned from telling me how I meant the world to him to the coldest meanest things I've ever heard from a man it just broke my heart. Even knowing he had a personality disorder that he really couldn't help. I used to say to people, I don't mean to sound over-dramatic here but what happened not only affected my heart it really affected my soul, it affected the core of me. That's what they have the power to do and it just doesn't seem fair sometimes that they seem to go on with their life like nothing happened. And then you are painted as the bad person, the crazy one.

[SherlockTheDog]

Me2 Sherlock ... .my pw/BPD, uBPD wife of almost eight years now, she moved out yesterday was a week ago.

So here I sit, in an empty house, as she took all the furniture ... .oh' well, it was all her stuff anyways ... .

I too have been struggling with all of this for several weeks now, after we had our big fight, (long story), and I told her either you leave, or me and my son will leave ... so she left ... .

Who am I missing, did she ever really exist, ... .more and more, I realize that no, she was only an illusion ... .what I have come to understand about BPD ... is that I was in love with a mirage.

Tough stuff, hope you are doing alright today ... .keep posting!

Kind Regards, Red5

That's exactly how I felt. I came upstairs to the apartment, and it was empty except for the bed and my table. Everything else was gone. It was a really difficult thing to feel. We planned the rest of our lives together. And I decided to break us apart. It was the most difficult thing I had to do for myself.

What happened in your big fight? Love to hear more about it.

Hey Sherlock, I think it's healthy to let one's feelings out, by crying or otherwise, so keep processing your emotions.  You could also: write in a journal, talk to a close friend or family member, meet with a T, take a walk in the woods, practice mindfulness, etc.  A lot of pressure can build up in a BPD r/s, so letting off steam is a good thing, in my view.

LuckyJim

Thank you LuckyJim! I'm lucky to have built such a great group of friends and a big family that's helped me so much through this. I was telling my sister how I missed the good side of Elly, and she quickly reminded me of the reasons I ended it, and cited very specific examples and it snapped me out of thinking about only the good times. When I then focused on the times that weren't good and why I decided to end it, I actually felt better.

My gym sessions are longer (don't have someone NEEDing me to be home as soon as possible) which has been good. Have a lot more time for my projects as well so I'm really excited about what the future holds for those!

And I think for anyone, including myself, you're right a good T is almost invaluable. I've learned so much and it really helps me cope.

Sherlockthe Dog, crying is lethargic. I used to do that a lot until I got to the point where I was crying everywhere, the gym the grocery store cocktail party ... .And I'm not even " a crier" !

I don't know if you can relate to this or any but he else in this board but here's a story.
Some time ago I was with a bunch of close friends at a dinner party at someone's house. After some wine  we started having this deep conversation about what was the happiest times of Our Lives. So we started go around the table and everybody was to say what the happiest time of their life was.We exempted wedding day and birth of baby LOL. So the first thing that pops in my head was the time I spent with my ex love before it all went to bits. So that's what I blurted out even though big part of me felt embarrassed to say it almost ashamed. I looked at my friends faces and all I could see really was pity. Most of them know what I went through, and they do not think very much of him. And one of my close friends said to me-

" the person who can bring us the most joy and happiness also has the power to bring us the most pain and sadness"

When my ex transitioned from telling me how I meant the world to him to the coldest meanest things I've ever heard from a man it just broke my heart. Even knowing he had a personality disorder that he really couldn't help. I used to say to people, I don't mean to sound over-dramatic here but what happened not only affected my heart it really affected my soul, it affected the core of me. That's what they have the power to do and it just doesn't seem fair sometimes that they seem to go on with their life like nothing happened. And then you are painted as the bad person, the crazy one.

That story really does speak to me. She brought me up higher than I've ever felt, and similarly did the opposite.

What an unusual feeling to suddenly be painted black right? I've never experienced that before. And I think the gaslighting is certainly a side effect that many of us are facing. The last week we were in the same apartment, my self esteem was damaged and even now, only a couple weeks later, I can tell im not the happy Sherlock I was before. Im a little detached.

How are you feeling?

[Lucky Jim]

My gym sessions are longer (don't have someone NEEDing me to be home as soon as possible) which has been good. Have a lot more time for my projects as well so I'm really excited about what the future holds for those!

Great to hear, Sherlock.  Physical exercise is a good way to process feelings, and pursuing one's passions/projects is a healthy sign, too.  Keep up the good work!

Recovery doesn't follow a straight trajectory, so be prepared for some backsliding, which is all part of the process.  My suggestion: welcome any setbacks as reminders of what you need to work more on.

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Crying is good.

Mine was a long-term marriage, and I cried in the first few weeks after he left, then nothing for months. I was just so frozen and stuck. Then heaving sobs here-and-there when we prepared to move, moved, and when I had to go back to the empty house alone to clean it and do the yardwork. Then the tears dried up again.

It's been over a year, and I'm a little teary here-and-there, but just a little.

And it's OK. These things are very sad.

[JNChell]

Hi again, SherlockTheDog. Along with the others, I want to tell you that you’re doing well with processing things. Letting the emotions out is very important. Crying is a good outlet for the emotions that you’re feeling. Your body and mind are purging things that are painful for you. Let it flow.

Sometimes we have to process the initial hurt and shock of what we’ve just been through to be able to move on to the next steps. It took me quite a while to have a really good cry. Keep posting, SherlockTheDog.