30 day silence

[juju2]

Hi friends,

Havent posted for a while.
In the process of removing his things, asked him for the key of one of his vehicles, so it can be towed, its basically dead.  Thru talking about the key:

  we agreed to 30 days, if we would have no contact, etc.  Just to see what would come forward.  He is mixed up.  So i wont be moving anything for 30 days... .
Finances are killing him, he says he needs that person he is living w, she helps w the bills... .((... i am like, thats no reason to be in a r/s... .)

Anyway, am going to see what happens.

I finally could see, he has me here as a crutch or some kind of support... .whenever it looks like i am withdrawing, he wants to make a plan... .

I feel like his behaviour is a combination of addictive thinking/behaviour and BPD... .

So in this upcoming 30 days, my work will be on myself, getting clear... .
My sponsor wants me to look at what has me wanting him back?... .i want to get clear on that... .

I guess part of it is, he does seem to want to be in my life, he does reach out, we can share from the closeness we had in those now eleven years... .and really, i have issues, how else can i explain being where i am at.?

Blessings and gratitude,

j

[Cromwell]

Hi JuJu2

Is there any exceptions to the rule for contacting or visiting for Christmas or New Year?

[Mutt]

I guess part of it is, he does seem to want to be in my life, he does reach out, we can share from the closeness we had in those now eleven years.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of self reflection and self work. That's admirable of you that you're considering having your pwBPD in your life after the break-up.

I think that the problem with that is if a pwBPD are not addressing their own issues can still make you feel a lot of anxiety because of their dependency and being split black and the projections still continue. I want my distance from that so that it doesn't bleed over into my life I want to have healthier r/s's with healthier individuals.

[juju2]

there is no exception for Christmas or New year's.

Thank you for asking... .

Mutt, he has been saying that he is leaving the person he lives w.  He says he doesnt love her, its a financial thing.  He told me he needs the money.  I believe him.  For instance, he doesnt have money to register our vehicle he drives... .

I do know he is terrified of being alone, and of being homeless... .

I am not considereing having him in my life, i am trying to detach.  I think these 30 days will help.  I am still mixed up.  I understand him.

Am wanting to be positive.  There is no solution in the problem... .my sponsor always says.

[juju2]

Mutt, how did you get healthy.

How long did it take.?

Appreciate your assistance,

With gratitude,

j

[Panda39]

Hi juju,

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw, but have my own history of being married to an alcoholic for 20 years.  So the codependence was strong with me.  I will also say that the emotional connection with my husband had long been dead by the time I was looking to detach so that was no longer part of the equation in my case.  When looking at my dysfunctional marriage there were 2 things I took a look at... .why did I stay (what did I get by staying) and why didn't I leave (what was keeping me there)?

I found it helpful to look at my codependence... .what was I getting by staying in my marriage... .financial stability so my son had the "things" he needed was at the top of my reasons to stay. (I failed to see the other things my son was getting by me staying... .things like anxiety) But what what was I getting out of this relationship? 

I was getting a self-esteem boost. (Having a very critical mother did a number on my self-esteem... .I was never good enough in the eyes of my mother)

But in my marriage, I was the good parent, the sober parent, the responsible person, I had my stuff together, I controlled everything and managed everything. What was I really doing?  I was stepping on my husband and his alcoholism to lift myself up... .I was better than someone, I was superior, I was good enough.

What kept me from leaving?  Fear.  Fear of different things... .from being able to support my son and myself (couldn't rely on my husband for support... .which turned out to be a legitimate fear) to pumping my own gas (my husband always did this) and many things in between.

There was a book that I felt helpful in looking at my codependence in case you're interested... .

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

In my case, I came to realize that my mother's opinion is just that, her opinion and that I am loveable just as I am... .that I am good enough.  I also spent a year pushing through all of the fears that kept me stuck.  I left my marriage.

My leaving was a catalyst... .

I was happier, healthier, independent (pumping my own gas  ... .

My ex, had his 3rd DUI, lost his license, spent his retirement plan on attorneys, went to work smelling like alcohol, and lost his job... .he hit rock bottom.  He finally acknowledged he's an alcoholic, got help and has been sober the last 6 years.

My son no longer lived in a house with drunk dad, and fighting parents.  He also saw that people can learn, change, and grow.

Panda39

[juju2]

Hi Panda,

I have read that book.  And a few of her other ones... .

Thank you for the suggestion, i could benefit fm reading it again.

j

[Cromwell]

there is no exception for Christmas or New year's.

Hi Juju2

just wondering who came up with the idea in the first place, the seemingly arbitrary 30 days?

Because I know you said "we agreed" but it just stands out a bit coincidental that it bypasses the holiday season, new year and a week into 2019.
 

[juju2]

Am not sure... .
it was a bit tense conversation, he was supposed to call at xx:30, and didnt call or text, till well past xy:15, by that time 45 min late, i just texted, am busy, we could chat another time... .then he called, said he was on a conversation w his landlady, he is a month behind on the rent, she is giving him a list of work on his property... .etc... .he could have texted me,
his call would be late... .so, by the time he did call, i was a bit p/o... .its an old pattern of making me wait, telling me xzy is "more important " by his actions... .

Sorry, you got a lot of detail.

[Clearmind]

its an old pattern of making me wait, telling me xzy is "more important " by his actions... .

Sorry, you got a lot of detail.

JuJu, patterns have a habit of repeating themselves we need to listen to that. No one can make us wait - thats putting  a lot of power in his hands - we have an option to decide if we are ok with that pattern. I am pretty sure its not the only pattern.

Maybe have a think about why you have  been OK in the past to wait - its pretty telling that your needs are not being met. Good first step is to write down what your needs are and whether he can come to the party.

[Clearmind]

I finally could see, he has me here as a crutch or some kind of support... .whenever it looks like i am withdrawing, he wants to make a plan... .

We can also do the same. We attach too - I certainly put the feelers out with my ex just to get a reaction/reply or comment back - I didn't care if it was positive or negative as long as he was on the other end of the message. I was holding onto a remnant of hope and would accept being treated in positively abusive if it meant I still heard something.

That push and pull is something we both play - maybe think about your role in that dynamic.