this is such a shock to me that I'm having panic attacks, and I'm feeling hurt

[clvrnn]

@onceremoved

Ideally, of course after a relationship there would be space. However, I recognise that these types of people and the way they operate trigger intense anxiety within me - suddenly going from intimate and loving to cold and blunt does not allow me the space to act as I may normally act. The ups and downs within a relationship of this sort makes me overwhelmingly anxious.

I've been deprived of many emotional connections within this relationship. Regardless of whether she provided them to me at the end, throughout she was deeply inconsistent and lacking in emotional compassion. The relationship was centred around her needs, and this was the one time I forced the issue about MINE. I really get your point, but what I'm trying not to do here is blame myself for her behaviour. I think it is reasonable to want a form of closure or reasoning for why this person is 'discarding' us so suddenly. I don't think blocking me everywhere was appropriate, and I think it was disproportionate to the situation.

She may have messaged me to check up on me, but that was almost two days after she ignored a message I'd sent her. Let's not forget that she blew up at me over a message I didn't respond to for three hours, and I was accused of all sorts of things. Because of that. There was a high amount of double standards, and I think I'm not willing to feel apologetic or remorseful over the one time I actually wanted emotional compassion from her.

[Insom]

I hear how painful this feels and can relate to feeling deprived.

It sounds like you're craving closure in the form of absolution.  What if she's unable to grant this to you?

Can you find a way to absolve yourself/stop blaming yourself for her behavior?

[clvrnn]

I recognise that she is unable to give this to me, now.

I feel so much hurt and confusion and fear and anxiety. Is this just how it is going to be forever, this silence? It is torture.

I don't know how to absolve myself. I believe it is my fault. If I hadn't told her that I thought she was selfish and insensitive, she wouldn't have blocked me. So, it is my fault. I should have just said nothing, and this wouldn't have happened.

I don't think she will ever speak to me again. I am filled with dread over returning to university, I am so anxious I can't stop thinking about it, and am unable to relax and enjoy the actual time away from university.

[Insom]

I feel so much hurt and confusion and fear and anxiety. Is this just how it is going to be forever, this silence? It is torture.

Oh, clvrnn, I hear how intense this all feels right now.  Short answer, no.  You're in the acute phase of feeling rejected by someone with whom you were in an emotionally intense relationship.  It's not unusual for these types of breakups to trigger deeply held shame.  They can also serve as an invitation to look inward at family patterns that helped make the relationship attractive to you in the first place.  I know it's intense. It will ease with time.  How are you doing today?

I don't know how to absolve myself. I believe it is my fault. If I hadn't told her that I thought she was selfish and insensitive, she wouldn't have blocked me. So, it is my fault. I should have just said nothing, and this wouldn't have happened.

What kind of a relationship do you have  if you can't express the truth of how you feel without risking total abandonment?  Healthy relationships are resilient.  You can express how you feel without being perfect and the relationship should be able withstand that even if your feelings are negative ones.

I don't think she will ever speak to me again. I am filled with dread over returning to university, I am so anxious I can't stop thinking about it, and am unable to relax and enjoy the actual time away from university.

Give this some time.  What are your plans for the next few days?

[once removed]

these types of people and the way they operate trigger intense anxiety within me
... .
The ups and downs within a relationship of this sort makes me overwhelmingly anxious.
... .
what I'm trying not to do here is blame myself for her behaviour.

blame wont help here... .either blaming yourself for her behavior, or blaming her for your behavior. you are both doing some of the latter.

if you want to repair the relationship (in any form) it will require understanding her perspective (right or wrong), an openness to consider your own, some outside perspective, and some ownership in terms of approaching this with a "stop the bleeding" mentality.

do you want to do that?

[clvrnn]

Thank you for replying, Insom.

Today I am feeling slightly less anxious, although I am still feeling low and lonely. I won't be seeing any family this year, so I am finding the solitude a bit difficult to deal with. I recognise that my family and the dynamics within it have caused these tendencies within me, and that's something I don't know what to do with.

"What kind of a relationship do you have  if you can't express the truth of how you feel without risking total abandonment?  Healthy relationships are resilient.  You can express how you feel without being perfect and the relationship should be able withstand that even if your feelings are negative ones."

I agree. I felt that at the time, she was acting unfairly, so I expressed it. I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone, but, say with friends or other people when there is a disagreement I can say these things and they're addressed, and we move forward. I didn't feel totally 100% comfortable saying that to her but I did.

My plans for the next few days really are nothing. I will be spending a lot of time on my own and I'm not looking forward to it. I really had wanted to spend time with her, but I recognise that's not going to happen, now.

[clvrnn]

I spoke to her today, I decided to email her and try and sort the awkwardness out before we returned to uni. She responded quite harshly, told me that I was harassing her and that she didn't want contact anymore. As it's been five or so days since our last contact, I felt that it might have been OK to try and reach out.

Anyway. Because she responded angrily, I took my time in crafting a reply that let her know why I told her I felt she was acting selfish/immature, why I felt as if I'd been discarded, I spoke a little bit about how anxious I had been, and that I feel very disappointed in how she'd treated me at the end.

She became quite condescending, and told me that she'd warned me who she was before we got involved, and that she cannot accept responsibility for hurting me, and that I 'bombarded' her with messages and that she was not sure why I kept contacting her when she'd already told me what she wanted. (I only contacted her during the conversation in which she broke up with me, not any other time).

I then just repeated the stuff I'd said, as well as saying that I think it's not really worth the risk of my mental and emotional health to be trying to fix her, and that all I ever did for her was care about her, help her with things, be there for her, and that I didn't understand why she had turned me into this awful person.

She backed down slightly, and told me that she didn't understand how things had got to this level, and that she is confused over this whole situation.

I told her I wanted to be friends, and that I hated all of this, and that's why I reached out.

She then said that she wasn't sure she wanted to be friends after I'd said hurtful things about her (I hadn't been rude, I'd been honest about the things I'd felt she'd done, and how they'd affected me - in a bid to relay how hurt I had been feeling)

I told her that I didn't think she was a bad person, but that in this situation we both had issues that prevented it from becoming successful, and I apologised for contacting her when she'd broken up with me.

I asked her if she could unblock me so that we could tlak on the phone, and she said she needed time, that she doesn't want to unblock me at the moment, and that we will sort out the uni situation when we need to. She wished me happy holidays and told me she wouldn't be replying again, "for now". I didn't respond to that, and intend to just take some space.

I realise now that I still care about her, and want to be with her, and I don't know what to do.I didn't want things to get to this level at all.

[Harri]

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