I'm sitting in a parking lot late at night and don't know what to do

[Art Vandelay]

I've lived with her anger and extreme criticism most every day for the 13 years we've been married. Tonight, she blew up because I brought meatloaf home from the grocery store, and she had meatloaf yesterday at the restaurant where we ate.  "This marriage is not fun. It's so boring. You eat like a caveman." Those were just tonight's mean words.
My every moment and move is scrutinized. I get criticized,, laughed at, kicked under the table, yelled at, told off, publicly humiliated ... .Well, I'd guess you all know all of this. It's constant and for everything from the way I laugh too the way I stand.
I've airways just "taken it", at the cost of my relationships, family connection, self-expression, and peace. Tonight was just too hurtful and I said, "I have to leave for a while." I've been speed reading  Randi Kreger's books sitting here in the cooks rain in this parking lot. I've yet to get to a part about what to do now. I love her to pieces, but what the heck did I do to me? And the kids have had to tiptoe so much and stifle what they see out of love for their dad.
Oh man, tomorrow is her birthday. So many "special" days have been ruined with unopened presents left in a heap because something set her off.
It's 11:00. I'm tired and crying, and I don't know what to do.
There's a whole lot of me that fantasizes about just giving her everything and living in a trailer on my own, just to live out my life in peace, but we still have one at home and my wife really is the love of my life. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hi Art Vandelay

Just wanted to let you know someone's listening.

Sounds like a very tough situation you're in. A lot of issues here so lets do one at a time and see how it goes?

I've been speed reading  Randi Kreger's books sitting here in the cooks rain in this parking lot. I've yet to get to a part about what to do now

When I first got here I had the same feeling of "tell me what to do!". so now I do give advice upfront, just general stuff because you will have to post a few details to get a more tailored answer.

Right now I'll tell you something useful: feel the moment.

Its odd right, to tell you to be sad for a while. So for context on why I recommend this, I used to have anxiety attacks, landed on the ER a few times thinking my heart was about to explode.

It was just anxiety, nothing physically wrong with me. I got prescribed meds, I didn't want to take them, so whenever I had another episode I'd just be like "you know what, if my heart explodes right now I'm ready for it, I won't be held back by this anymore".

At first the panic didn't go away, but I just let myself be in the moment and experience it. I knew what was going on, just had to let it run its course and not make it worse by worrying about the fact that I was worried (I know right).

So just take a moment, we'll have a look at the future once the present is stable.

There's a whole lot of me that fantasizes about just giving her everything and living in a trailer on my own, just to live out my life in peace

Being in charge of your situation is the constructive approach, taking steps to make it better. we can help, but we can't do it for you; even if we tell you exactly what to do, you would still have to push through with it yourself. Not trying to be rough or anything, just something to consider.

Tonight was just too hurtful and I said, "I have to leave for a while.

I'm tired and crying, and I don't know what to do.

And the kids have had to tiptoe so much and stifle what they see out of love for their dad.

For now just take care of yourself, make sure the kids are ok and taken care of. I'm not an expert on family dynamics so hopefully someone else knows how to handle that side and can give some advice.

Just letting you know people here are willing to listen and help. Like I said, posting some details about what happened help us so we can give you more "targeted" advice to your situation.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Art Vandelay,



I'm glad you found us. It can be exhausting feeling that we're living with constant scrutiny and criticism. Try to make time for self-care.

You're getting some excellent input from itsmesnap. We can help a lot with providing guidance on what to do to improve daily interactions and handle specific issues.

Just letting you know people here are willing to listen and help. Like I said, posting some details about what happened help us so we can give you more "targeted" advice to your situation.

Absolutely. So... .You bought meatloaf home from the store. Your wife said hurtful things about this, saying the marriage was boring and not fun and that you eat like a caveman. You said you had to leave. Is that right?

Was leaving your first response or did you verbally respond to her comments in any way before that? (Just trying to get a clear picture of what happened).

[Ozzie101]

[Hi, Art Vandelay (I LOVE your name, by the way)!

I'm so, so sorry for what you're experiencing. I've only been married to my uBPDh for two years and he's only been seriously dysregulating for about 6 months so I can't even imagine 13 years.

From the sounds of things, my situation hasn't been as extreme as yours, but much of what you say rings true.

For instance, the scrutiny. H frequently complains that we're "boring" or I'm "boring." I'm pretty easy to please. I like going out to eat and doing stuff with friends, but I'm also perfectly happy spending the evening on the couch watching TV. That bugs him. I can eat the same thing two days in a row (if it's something I like). Drives him nuts. When he's in a mood, he'll make lots of passive-aggressive comments about it. Yet he can't come up with any ideas or solutions himself. For a long time, I would scramble around, trying to figure something out. Now, I just stay neutral but sympathetic and let him deal with it.

I've been criticized for not being adventurous enough sexually, for not being involved enough as a stepmother, for trying to be TOO involved as a stepmother, for choosing the wrong mac-and-cheese recipe for dinner, for "making" him buy the house we live in now (even though when we were looking, this one was the best/only option). The list goes on. When he's moody, I can't do anything right and I find myself agonizing over every decision I make, trying to think it through and whether it will set him off.

It's exhausting.

I pretty much just take the criticism. For a while, I argued back — not losing my temper, but just rationally explaining my side. I've mostly stopped doing that because it just gets him more worked up. I just stay calm and just nod or shrug or say something non-committal.

He's tried to separate me from my family but that is one thing I won't let happen.

As for your fantasy, I've found myself doing the same thing — imagining being single again. But I wouldn't let him get everything. Anyway, in my case, H is verbally, emotionally and possibly financially abusive. I've been meeting with a counselor and have an escape plan in place. I've made copies of all important documents and locked them up in my desk at work. My parents and a couple of friends are aware of what's going on. I've thought through what I would want and need in case of a divorce or separation. Having those plans and thinking them through has really boosted my confidence and my resolve.

Not saying that's what you need to do. Only you can decide that. But sometimes thinking through the "what if" and working out a plan can make a situation less dire.