New relationship - Am I overly cautious

[Darkblaez]

Everyone I am back on a new adventure and need some advice. I gave myself time to heal and have  been very selective in my dating. I have been seeing this Brazilian Psychiatrist for a couple months. While I understand her culture is very liberated sexually and overtly, I want to see try to separate what is culture and possibly something else. I will give you sort of the run down in list form of the behaviors I am seeing. I thought maybe Histrionics or some Narcissism, but to be honest I’m too close to the fire to see the trees and have tried to step back and evaluate.

Within the first three weeks we had seen quite a lot of one another and were on the phone quite a bit. And when not on the phone video calls. It seemed when I let up on the gas a bit she would tighten up the slack. After 3 weeks she told me she loved me. In my mind I was thinking she does not even know me enough to love me. However, I cannot discount what she feels or decisions she makes. I see love as a decision in a relationship as a commitment, loyalty, intentions beyond the casual, etc. So I do not throw this word around loosely. Again, I cannot fault her as I do not know her point of reference.

There have been a number of things which have come up. She has gone off on me 3 times over her sexual needs not being met. Mind you this is a very healthy area for us. My mere mention of anything sexual immediately puts her mind in gear and if I do not pick up on things she goes on a rant. It’s like a child who sees a toy and wants it. But because mom and dad did not realize this and buy it for junior he throws a fit and then tries to penalize them. This is pretty much what has happened a number of times. I tend to pacify it for a short bit but then she turns it around and says you do not care about my needs and the usual guilting me in to admission that somehow I have neglected her. Only when I tell her I am getting a bit annoyed with the manner in which she is expressing this does she try to defuse things. Mind you she does not apologize, she simply states her approach was wrong but her insatiable need will aways be there. Essentially I get the feeling she knows she hit below the belt literally  and then when I get annoyed is worried I will walk away. This feels like just a tantrum in association with a heighten sense of emotions or feelings for her. I do not want to rationalize this since she owns it not me.

Aside from this, she takes a load of selfies and videos, sending me throughout the day. Her selfies look like she is a pro model. The videos as well. Everything seems played up, playing to the camera. She has created some sexual videos and those look straight out of an awarding winning porn video. When we have video calls at times when we are not out on a date she wants to turn them sexual. As a guy I’m not objecting to the notion but if I were to drive my car that often and that hard I’d wear out the tires. Humor aside, if the video calls that turn sexual she is like a raging porn star. There is no way I am that good through video to induce such a reaction within mere minutes. I like to think I am skilled but my mojo is not that magical. So to me this seems more like acting for her.

There are times when she does not get what she wants, referring to her rants above, she will start with the fake tears. I have even received videos after the date with these fake tears, exclaiming her love and how she apologizes for her actions or in some instances how I neglected her…exhausting.

There are times when she tries to get a reaction. Go out with her girlfriends, tell me she is going to a bar. Try to get a rise out of me and then hours later say they are just going to have dinner. Then send me photos from the bar. Yet I were to tell her I am going out with the guys to have a few drinks I get the cold shoulder. If I tell her I cancelled (did this to test her) she is euphoric, sends me lots of text, emojis like it’s Christmas, and is very happy.

Lastly, there have been very small lies, subtile things but many of them. I have not called her out on them to see how far she will take things.

Bottom line is, I get the feeling this will turn toxic and I am most likely going to exit. However, surely she as a Psychiatrist can understand her own behaviors I would think. Anyway, as always I wish to solicit everyones thoughts. I have not let myself get to sucked in emotionally. I think having been burned all those years by my ex-wife that I am much more observant and analytical in situations such as this. I value everyones opinions and advice to make sure I am not overly sensitive to some things.

DB

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[once removed]

so it sounds like the two of you have sex drives that are out of balance, right?

it happens. it was a big source of tension in my relationship, and i was in a similar position as you.

have the two of you discussed the differences and ways to meet in the middle, in times of calm?

[Darkblaez]

The post was not so much about the sex drive. Our drives are matched fairly good. It's the traits taken holistically that raises the concern.

DB

[once removed]

thanks for clarifying.

It's the traits taken holistically that raises the concern.

the thing about the traits is that whether she has BPD or not, or traits of it, the tools here can help improve any relationship. they arent a guarantee, of course, but if you have a feeling the relationship will turn toxic, its a good idea to consider investing in tools that can move the relationship to healthier territory.

what do you think?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Darkblaez

You seem very relaxed about the whole thing, even if it seems like the whole situation is causing issues, you're handling of it is quite interesting to say the least 

She has gone off on me 3 times over her sexual needs not being met. Mind you this is a very healthy area for us. My mere mention of anything sexual immediately puts her mind in gear and if I do not pick up on things she goes on a rant

I experienced something similar with my gf, what I did was to turn it into a "game": you can't have it now, but if you are good we'll have a fantastic time at home. And then we would.

By keeping it positive and not invalidating her needs I managed to frame it as a reward instead of a "punishment" or "rejection", which I knew she would react poorly to.

Keep in mind this is something of a "power move" and can be considered manipulative and downright abusive if you don't deliver. I read this post on emotional blackmail [https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog] talking about "controlling types", it fits the tantalizer type, so yeah.

I'm not sure if I handled it correctly, maybe someone else can double check, but it worked wonders for me.

It’s like a child who sees a toy and wants it. But because mom and dad did not realize this and buy it for junior he throws a fit and then tries to penalize them.

Yes its awkward, but it can be managed.

When we have video calls at times when we are not out on a date she wants to turn them sexual. As a guy I’m not objecting to the notion but if I were to drive my car that often and that hard I’d wear out the tires

Texting or banter if you're more into video calls is a great alternative to the actual thing. My guess is she wants to feel desired to feel good about herself, so make her feel that way. words and attitude go a long way here, much more so than "raw performance ability".

There is no way I am that good through video to induce such a reaction within mere minutes

Apparently she's reacting very positively to your skills, so try believing in yourself 

I like to think I am skilled but my mojo is not that magical. So to me this seems more like acting for her.

Maybe that's exactly what she needs, no need to be selfish  . Ok so on a serious note this is something of a give and take, try to find a balance but do consider she has high needs in that regard and come up with ways you can more efficiently manage your "mojo" around her.

There are times when she tries to get a reaction. Go out with her girlfriends, tell me she is going to a bar. Try to get a rise out of me and then hours later say they are just going to have dinner. Then send me photos from the bar. Yet I were to tell her I am going out with the guys to have a few drinks I get the cold shoulder.

Well there you go, you are aware she's just doing it to get a reaction from you. Try looking just a bit prior to these "episodes" and try to see why she would feel left out. Even if its something minor at least you'll know and be ready to defuse her.

If I tell her I cancelled (did this to test her) she is euphoric, sends me lots of text, emojis like it’s Christmas, and is very happy.

Science has provided many great insights and advancements for humankind, though it's not without its dark moments. Taking her anxiety and insecurities into account to develop a coping strategy is a good move, just try not to use the power you got from that knowledge to trigger her into "unhealthy relationship patterns".

Lastly, there have been very small lies, subtile things but many of them. I have not called her out on them to see how far she will take things.

I suggest you nip it in the bud, they can escalate and instead of a little annoyance you could wind up with a big ol' fight about it. Keep it constructive.

Bottom line is, I get the feeling this will turn toxic and I am most likely going to exit.

That's your choice and much respect for taking a stance on a difficult issue. Make sure you're comfortable with it and willing to follow through, it could get intense.

I have not let myself get to sucked in emotionally. I think having been burned all those years by my ex-wife that I am much more observant and analytical in situations such as this.

I was recently told in my own thread that leaving out our own emotions is kind of like eating cake without frosting, you might be missing something good there. Or maybe its cheese frosting and you're lactose intolerant, everyone is different so yeah, I get your point. getting "sucked in" is not the same as "being emotionally connected", and its not wrong to feel that way in a relationship, even if it doesn't last forever.

Good thing is, now you recognize the signs and are willing to stand by your own values.

Hope things get better for you in the future!

[Zakade]

I would say that a good "test" would be to set some firm but appropriate boundaries and see how she acts.  If she bulldozes over them then maybe you're not being overly cautious.  This really shouldn't be a test because setting appropriate boundaries is important in any relationship.  

However, surely she as a Psychiatrist can understand her own behaviors I would think.

Don't be so sure of that.  There are plenty of divorced marriage counselor, and overweight nutritionist.  Just because you are schooled in something doesn't mean you take your own advice.

Zakade