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Author Topic: Am I the pwBPD now?  (Read 396 times)
Will2Power

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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« on: December 26, 2018, 12:31:19 PM »

It'll be one year of no contact on Feb 11, 2019.

Somehow I feel that my healing has gone into reverse. Like I had absolutely no boundaries before, and now, I am this hypervigilant maniac. I sometimes feel like I say and do things my ex pwBPD did. My new boyfriend says I often "negatively project" and that I don't trust him. I feel like he is safe, and I think I do trust him, but apparently, I don't actually give off this vibe. Sometimes, he is probably correct in that.

Maybe someone here can relate: I never ever want to feel like the victim again.

I never want to be as humiliated as when I was with my expwBPD, so I get triggered by innocent things now... .

I often feel extremely guilty afterward for "lashing out" when someone was saying something well intended. I get on them about it. "What did you mean by that? Why are you doing this to me?" etc. etc... .(I am trying to protect myself subconsciously I assume.)

I never acted this way before. In fact, I let everything go and let everyone step on me and take advantage of me.

Am I ruining all of my new healthy relationships in the process of keeping a safeguard up so that this does not happen again? Sometimes, my new partner sarcastically says "Oh! You caught me now! Mwahaha!" when I accuse something neutral or positive that he said actually meaning something negative. His sense of humor about it brings me back to a functional state.

He knows about my past and is supportive, but it is still a barrier to our happiness and I am afraid. I tell him all the time that I am afraid he will lose his patience with me eventually. He tells me that he won't and that it isn't my fault. He is great, and we've come a long way. For example, I used to flinch sometimes thinking he would hit me, and I no longer flinch now. Like ever. It made him feel really bad when I would do that because he hasn't given me a reason to feel scared or anything. And then the guilt kicks in and I feel like I want to punish myself for misreading the situation.

Any advice or support is deeply appreciated. This man is the man I want to marry, and my pwBPD is HAUNTING me. I feel so out of control and angry at myself for not letting these walls down faster. It makes me want to hurt myself because I feel so crazy and out of control.
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JNChell
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« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2018, 01:02:05 PM »

No. You’re not the pwBPD now. Do you think that you may have suffered trauma? Unprocessed traumas can cause us to feel like you’ve described. Especially when we’ve spent a fair amount of time in these situations.

The healing process isn’t linear. We will make discoveries in certain stages, and also need to take steps back to further process. It’s normal. You’re not a borderline.

You’re walking a fine line with your SO. Don’t wear him thin. If you want to succeed with him, you need to focus on healing. He will support this. How can you be open with him and trust him at the same time? A man needs a woman that can be open with him. Nothing  can be a secret, within reason. Secrets are different from keeping reasonable thoughts to ourselves.

What are your thoughts here?
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Will2Power

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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2018, 01:26:03 PM »

Nothing  can be a secret, within reason. Secrets are different from keeping reasonable thoughts to ourselves.
What are your thoughts here?

By keeping reasonable thoughts to myself, do you mean about questioning his intentions so much? If you mean that, I would agree that I need to stop and chillax. There has to be a balance of being transparent but also being vulnerable and open. I feel like I fail to achieve this.

My thoughts are, I want to stop my toxic projection ASAP. I don't understand why I am behaving this way. I am trying to heal. I am in therapy once a week.

Is the trick to just take a gamble and trust him until things truly blow up?
Is it that I need to be alone instead of being in a relationship?
Do I shut up and just enjoy the moment and realize that he means well?

It is so hard. It feels like one of my senses is gone. You know? Like I need to take the time to think soo hard about one encounter before I can decide if things are safe or not.

The truth is that I don't want to give him up, but I would if he was fed up. I never want to be the toxic person in someone's life. He insists that I am not and that sometimes it just makes him sad and frustrated. He says it feels like I don't appreciate the good because I fixate on what could go wrong, or human mistakes he makes. If I run away, he chases me down to remind me we are "in it together" and that he isn't giving up. I hate myself for feeling like this broken charity case sometimes. I get distant or angry or sad when he sometimes he says "the wrong thing" but that is subjective, and I am self aware enough to know it. We've been together for about 8 months now, and we've progressed.

I feel like I don't deserve this. I wish I could have met him before my situation with my expwBPD, because then things wouldn't be this way. I am stuck there, and I need to accept my reality. I also feel so much guilt and I want the guilt to go away. It is like I am a crazy person I swear. I have to write things down and overthink every interaction when I feel like there could possibly be trouble or lies ahead.
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JNChell
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Relationship status: Dissolved
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« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2018, 08:10:47 PM »

By keeping reasonable thoughts to myself, do you mean about questioning his intentions so much?

If you have questions about his intentions you need to share them with him. You will both be in the dark if you don’t. That’s not constructive. Do you agree? I can walk in your shoes with your closing statement to this. I’m that guy. I’m learning that transperancy and vulnerability are actually keys to being successful in romantic relationships. Couples need to be able to see each other. They also need to be allowed to.

I don't understand why I am behaving this way.

My behaviors are quite often out of line. I view them in that way, anyway. I do a lot of work with this on the PSI (parent, sibling, in law) board.

I understand how things can become embarrassing. Are you highly reactive to things that looking back upon you wished that you had reacted differently to?

Projecting. You want to stop this. Just do it. Do your best to recognize it. You know, I’ve been here for just over a year. I’ve learned a lot about myself in that amount of time. I was afraid of being a borderline. I’m not. I have my own stuff to process,  but I’m not a borderline personality. I know who I am. What have you been projecting onto your SO?

Is it that I need to be alone instead of being in a relationship?

This question runs deep and can only be answered  by you.

It is so hard. It feels like one of my senses is gone. You know? Like I need to take the time to think soo hard about one encounter before I can decide if things are safe or not.

I think I do know. Where do you think that comes from?

I get wating to stay. I’m currently seeking advise on theses boards on how to find a way back to my son’s mom.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2018, 09:41:27 PM »

In your current r/s, do you feel that your feelings don't matter, followed by "therefore I don't matter and am unworthy of love?"

Do you feel that you are worthy of being loved by someone who won't abuse you?
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Will2Power

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Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2018, 10:41:01 AM »


I think I do know. Where do you think that comes from?



It comes from years of abuse from Mom, as well as my borderline ex. 100%. The thing is, I JUST learned that my Mom was a huge part of the problem in therapy. My family manipulating me most of my life and me not seeing it until recently really makes me angry. I guess it isn't normal for your mom to tackle you to the ground and hit you with a broom? (one example I can vividly recall.) Throw hot coffee in your face? Make fun of how you use "big words" and tell me how I will end up alone because I once expressed a passion for philosophy, and "no one will know what the heck you are talking about. You'll end up all alone trying to be into that weird sh**." Before I was into books and philosophy, before I decided to become a doctoral candidate, she used to make fun of me for how "all I cared about was how long my eyelashes are" and "how big my breasts are." I was frequently sexually harassed at school by boys so I started to ugly up and take an interest in becoming "an intellectual". The groping from them, and the reinforcement from her that I was "asking for it" made me ashamed of myself. Except sometimes she was the most supportive person I had to lean on... .it was ultra confusing. HOW I didn't realize that this was not right until recently is mind blogging. I think it is denial mixed with brainwashing. I am not sure. I don't want to be someone that falls for manipulation ever again. I don't want to be a broken person with an abnormal definition of love. "Yes, I did hit you, and I am sorry about that. You are extremely difficult to deal with and I hope you realize I do this because I love you." Then I had my Dad, who did not abuse me, but reinforced that my mother's behavior was permissible and that "she does really love you more than anyone ever will." Okay, so this is love? Cue my borderline relationship. His death threats, physical abuse, blaming me for other men hitting on me, and put-downs were all love, according to what I learned about love growing up. Also, his reaction when I was excited about something was the same as my mom. And I was dumb enough to believe that my passions were truly odd, or not interesting. Or that again, when catcalled on the street, I was doing something to "ask for it". The first time I was raped my mom told me that I wasn't raped, and that I will have to remember for the rest of my life, that I allowed a dirty *racial slur* take my virginity. I believed for so long that I was an obnoxious freak that doesn't belong in society, too stupid, yet too pretentious. That is how they made me feel at least. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about philosophy and being excited about a hobby... .Rape isn't anyone's fault but the rapist... .but then again, I sort of still feel like it is my fault. Hard to explain. On the surface, I know it isn't, but those accusations cut so deep and stay with me today, in my later 20's. Current boyfriend is INSISTING that I am awesome and shouldn't be ashamed of my sexy look. Current boyfriend does not laugh at my interests, says he loves when I am passionate. Current boyfriend cried when I told him all this with a straight face and I am the desensitized one. Current boyfriend shows me what real love is. The more he shows me real love, the more I get angry at my abusers. Mostly my Mom, since my expwBPD is out of the picture now. But the anger I get to show to her is anger I would want to put on my expwBPD.

 Bottom line: I don't want to be abused ever again. I associate it that with this old me, who walked around in a fog and was unaware. It was scary when I realized all the abuse for the first time. I was in a zombie like state for three days after. It was terrifying. Therefore, I will do anything to protect myself from that. Even if that means being the angry one back to her. Now, Mom starts the abuse but stops when I "stand up for myself" but it makes me feel bad after to do this. I do things like scream at her to stop. I tell her I will NOT be the scapegoat when I hear "YOU are the reason Dad and I will end up divorced." Blah blah blah. I am not accountable for your marriage. "I wish I never had you or aborted you." Well, you should have thought about that when you had unprotected sex, Mom. Too late now. I tell her that her behaviors are abusive, hurtful, unacceptable... .and she acts like she feels so bad after. I think it is BS. Sorry- I KNOW it is BS... .but only now am I really aware that I do NOT deserve this.

BTW, I even feel guilty and full of myself typing out and posting "I do NOT deserve this", so a big part of me is still lying to myself, and believes I am a giant freak that does actually deserve it. I am conflicted. Boyfriend keeps telling me I don't, I am trying to fully believe him. I am jealous of his family. I love being around them though. It is always so happy. I cried on Christmas Eve when they had me over and all got me a gift. I couldn't help it. Everything was so beautiful. Like out of a movie. Kind of embarrassing that I cried but boyfriends Mom also cried after and hugged me so... .guess we good . Their home is so warm and fuzzy and happy. All of his confidence, his Mom, his family, their nice things, highlight what a joke of a life I had growing up and my skewed definition of love. So slowly... .I am learning that I am not someone that deserves it- that no one does. So... .that is little progress. The part I want to change is the part where I look and behave like a crazy person now when there is even a slight threat to me. I am sorry for this long novel, but it helps to type it out. Thank you for the concern also. It means a lot.
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Will2Power

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 31



« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2018, 10:53:27 AM »

In your current r/s, do you feel that your feelings don't matter, followed by "therefore I don't matter and am unworthy of love?"

Do you feel that you are worthy of being loved by someone who won't abuse you?

Exactly. I question it often if I deserve this. I feel like I do not. I feel like I am a charity case. Sometimes I don't believe that it is real. If I do something "wrong" I feel I should be punished for it and do whatever it takes until I make up for it. I am shocked each and every time he says "no worries bb" about things that would normally be catastrophic according to my expwBPD. Like, jaw drops each and every time. It isn't a bad thing, but it takes some getting used to. And believing I do deserve it will also take some healing and work... .ironically.
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« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2018, 12:40:38 PM »

i dont say this to minimize what youre describing, just to offer some perspective:

we all project. the way we see the world is a projection. the way we see others is full of projection(s). projection, in general, is not really something one can stop.

what we can do is recognize our projections, see them for what they are, challenge them.

My new boyfriend says I often "negatively project" and that I don't trust him. I feel like he is safe, and I think I do trust him, but apparently, I don't actually give off this vibe. Sometimes, he is probably correct in that.

Maybe someone here can relate: I never ever want to feel like the victim again.

at the risk of projecting myself   im wondering to what extent do you not trust yourself?
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JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2018, 03:07:08 PM »

Hi again, Will2Power. I’m very sorry that your mother abused you and that your father didn’t protect you from it.  I’m sorry that your mother didn’t protect you by teaching you proper life lessons that would’ve allowed you to avoid dangerous people and to protect yourself from toxic people. Many of the members within this support group experienced severe abuse as children. The good news is that we survived it just like you did. Unfortunately, not unscathed.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You’re self aware and asking the right questions. You were conditioned as a child to have these feelings. I was too. I can also testify that things can improve with work. Are you with us? You have a lot to process and a good source of support is necessary to accomplish this. It sounds like you have that with your boyfriend and his family. It was nice to read about your experience with them on Christmas. It sounds like you had a bonding moment with his mom. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to spend a little more time with her when you can and grow the relationship.

I think that your interests sound wonderful and that you should hold onto your interests. They’re part of your identity and they mean something to you. It sounds like your mom may have not been able to handle that because she has a lack or very diminished sense of who she is. People with personality disorders also have a tendency to view their children as extensions of themselves and have a hard time coping when the child starts to form their own identity and later begin to distance themselves when forming their independence.

It’s likely that you’re having trouble accepting the positives that your boyfriend presents with because your core is familiar with the abuse that you experienced as a child, and are still experiencing by your mom and dad. You can begin to remedy this if you feel ready to. We want to help.

I’ve been spending a fair amount of time on the PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw) board. There are very useful tools and some great support there. I think that you’ll find comfort and help there. You will find ways to become less reactive to your mother and to actually take control of the situation so that she’s unable to control your emotions in the ways that she has for so long.

I understand your anger and it’s justified. Your mother will never make this right, but you can make it right for you and what you want out of life. One of those things being to make the craziness die down. You can do it.

BTW, I like your avatar. It reminds me of a way I like to have eggs.
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