Introduction, 18 yo BPD son

[WrenJD]

Good morning, i am a mother of 3, one 18 yo son with BPD “unofficial” diagnosis and 15 yo boy/girl twins (non-BPD). I am divorced from their dad and remarried. My BPD son lives with me full time and my 15 yo twins live with me half time. Our entire lives and family dynamic has been affected by managing my older sons condition. Of course, I love him desperately, but I am ready to take back my life!

My son is 3 weeks away from going away to college, and while I am excited and happy for him I am worried about his prospects for success. He has been especially volatile in the past few weeks, and I understand he is prepping for leaving and must reject me before he can go. It is not really about me. But he sure makes it hard not to take it personally. I am a “terrible mother who caused this condition with my poor parenting”. He is going to move away and never come back or ever talk to me. I am the cause of his anxiety and depression. I control him and think I know what is best but I know nothing. (All according to him).

My 15 year olds have started “voting with their feet” and choose to go stay at their dads house more and more to avoid the volatility of our household. I don’t blame them! Sometimes I wish I could go too!

My BPD son is in good times merely dismissive and at worst emotionally abusive and mean to my husband (his stepfather), who loves him and helps him and supports him. He spent 4 years in full rejection of his own father, never seeing him or speaking to him.

In addition to BPD, my son has depression and anxiety that are at times debilitating. While exceedingly smart, he cannot apply himself on a sustained basis, and had roller coaster grades as a result. Getting him through high school was a full time job-i’d Often have to drop everything and run and pick him up when a day was too much for him to take. He did graduate, on time, but it was by the skin of his teeth. He is frequently suicidal, up to even rehearsing behavior. I worry very much about him moving 2 hours away to go to school in a new living environment without me, his regular therapist (who is amazing) or other familiar supports. As soon as he turned 18 he exercised his independence so I cannot coordinate with his therapist or doctors anymore.

I guess that’s a start at an introduction... .I have no idea what else to say, since that’s just a drop in the bucket but I suspect you all know the score!

Wren

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Wren,

Welcome to BPD Family.

I'm short on time at the moment, headed out to spend the morning with my 4-year-old grandson (GS4), but wanted to welcome you here, let you know I've read what you've written, and tell you that you are not alone. Lots of parents will relate to what you've been going through.

I'll catch up with you later in the day.

~ OH

[Panda39]

Hi Wren,

I come at BPD from different angle, I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife.  I just wanted to stop in and welcome you to the BPD Family.

I'm curious if your family and/or son is receiving therapy at all?

Going off to college is stressful for the best of us, it's new, it can be scary, it's a step towards adulthood.  It isn't surprising to me that your son is acting out more than usual as the big day approaches.  Folks with BPD have poor executive control... .have a hard time controlling their emotions.  What are butterflies for most of us likely feel like butterflies with army boots to your son at the moment.

You might try validating your son's feelings. (don't validate the invalid - things like I'm stupid I'll never make it a college)

It's normal to be nervous about going to college so validate that... .ask a validating question... .son, it sounds you're nervous about college (validating his feelings) what is worrying you most? (a question shows that you want to listen and encourages him to talk about it) If he doesn't talk about it maybe bring in a memory of your own when you first went to college.  When I went to college I was worried I wouldn't be able to find my classes, what really helped was taking a tour of the campus before classes began.  What is making you nervous?  How do you think you could make that situation work better?(encourage him to problem solve) I have a couple of ideas, what do you think?

I've pulled information on validation from various locations on the site, I hope you find something helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm (as a parent of BPD Child)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0 (General)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0 (validation examples)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.0 (from the co-parenting board)

Panda39