Can it get better?

[crappyjazz]

Hello,

I'm new to the world of BPD although I've heard of it before. Recently learned in an ER visit that BPD is on my wife's chart. I immediately started surfing the web for more information. Currently reading the eggshells book and through that, found this website.

Left my wife two months ago. Feeling incredible guilt over it and fighting the feeling that I should go back. Getting lots of "here's what you should do" advice from friends and co-workers and also trying to figure things out with my gut. I have recently been diagnosed with depression after a couple of suicide attempts this past year. I know it was because I felt trapped.

I love my wife dearly but she is more often than not unrecognizable to me. Leaving her was an act of self-preservation. I was hoping it would be a temporary situation but am wondering now since she may have BPD if we can ever have a normal relationship.

My guilt is due to the fact that she is alone, can't work and her family won't help. Luckily I am able to financially support her and am willing to do so for as long as she needs it.

My main question is wondering how people in relationships with a BPD person are able to stay in that relationship. I'm hoping ours is not a lost cause.

Thanks,
CJ

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry to hear of your painful situation, but are glad you've found us.  Things can indeed get better.  Having the support of people in similar situations is a start.  You can learn coping tools here that can help you be less reactive to her behaviors and less hurt by them, as well as less likely to press her buttons and better at supporting her.  Every relationship is unique; the ultimate outcome depends on the severity of the BPD and many other factors including your personal needs (which many of us lose sight of while trying to manage these relationships).  The most important piece of advice to you as a newcomer is to stay here and make this board a regular part of your support system.  Steady exposure to the right kind of support is critical for getting to a healthier place.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  Does your wife want to reunite?  Is she receiving any kind of therapy?  What about her behavior or your situation has been the most painful to you?

RC

[crappyjazz]

Hi Radcliff and thanks for your response.

The eggshell book has been enlightening for me. I'm learning about her but also much about my own issues which have led me to see myself as a "rescuer" and I have indeed lost myself over our 16 year relationship.

She absolutely wants to reunite and has gone to extremes to let me know how devastated she is including texting or calling me 70+ times a day. Last weekend she drank so much she was in some strange state where she was talking like a child witnessing her abuse all over again. That day I had not responded to her calls (hard for me to do this) and she ended up calling someone from her support group who then called me. I did go over and seeing her in this state I called 911. She was in ER all day and then they sent her to detox. I spoke to the doctor in the ER who referred to BPD and when I asked what she was talking about she told me that BPD was on her chart. She then apologized and said that maybe she wasn't supposed to tell me that.

What causes me the most pain is her rages which were occurring every few days while I was with her. I could usually discount most of what she said, but some things hurt. Also she was sometimes physical which scared me even though she is little. She would threaten to burn our home down or smash and break all of our belongings. She would throw things and actually break a few things.

I'm just starting the part in the eggshell book about setting limits. I need to strengthen myself to deal with all this and I thankfully have good friends who support me, especially when I waiver and think I should go back to her to "help" her or keep the peace.

She is not in therapy yet, but we are looking into that. She is resistant she says because of the cost. There is a counsellor at the detox centre that she can access who apparently has expertise in the area of sexual abuse so that may help a bit. We are seeing her psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and we will ask about BPD then to see what he thinks.

Since leaving detox she has seemed pretty steady but I did spend a few days with her which makes her happy. Not sure how long the calmness will last though.

I will finish the book and keep reading here for support. Thank you again.

[once removed]

hi crappyjazz, i want to join Radcliff and say

it sounds like the outside pressure of friends and coworkers is pretty draining. we wont tell you "stay or go" but can help you get to steady ground and support you in the path you choose.

whats the living arrangement like for the two of you since the split? any children together?

when you mention that BPD was on her chart, do you mean shes been diagnosed? if so, is she aware?

[Radcliff]

Thank you for the details.  I am not an expert, but I feel that it is a very good thing that you are separated now and that you have the means to sustain that for a while.  It is tremendously difficult for a member living with an extreme partner to heal and develop the skills necessary to have safe boundaries when they don't currently have any safety.  You are right, boundaries are going to be crucial.

Resistance to therapy is common among pwBPD.  Have you heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?

Do you have a therapist who you see regularly?

RC

[Jbombjas]

Reading your posts and wanted to let you know I understand. I am sober 6 years now and just want to add in my insight on that experience alone. I know that people with BPD are often referred to as burn victims, who are so highly sensitive to emotions, it is difficult to handle them.

That said, when someone gets sober, all of their emotions they have been diluting & hiding & drowning come to the surface. For me it took 2 years just to find a zest with life and also not to overreact with drama with every little feeling I had. I was raw and did not know how to deal with life on life’s terms.

I amepathize with your experience and just want you to know what your wife is going through on top of her BPD. I imagine she will become more volatile as a result of sobriety but can also assure you, with work and time, things get much easier. Just wanted to reach out and explain why I see that things have gotten more difficult for you as a result of her sobriety. The good news is she’s sober and doing the work. Things will only get better for her with her willingness.

Wish you the best and am here.  

[crappyjazz]

hi everyone and thanks for your responses ... .I will respond to you all here

once removed: our living arrangement is separated in two locations but I've agreed to see her once a week. I've asked her to not text me as much but she still struggles with that and I struggle with not responding but I am getting firmer. I haven't decided what to do long-term, my main goal is to just get better and then see. By "on her chart" I asked her about it and she said she has never heard of it and no doctor has ever told her she has that so I don't know. The doctor immediately realized that this was news to me and apologized for telling me. I did tell my wife about it which I'm reading here is not a good idea but nothing I can do about that now. I will say though that she seems a bit relieved that she may have a disorder and that she's not just a bitch

Radcliff: she is actually eager to start therapy which makes me happy. She is also going to AA everyday and hasn't drank (at least I don't think she has) since she was put in detox on December 23. I think the drinking is half the battle as she already seems calmer and hasn't had a rage episode since. There is a therapist available that does DBT so we are planning to connect with them. I have a counselor through the EAP at work but I haen't talked to her yet about BPD as it happened over the holidays ... .she's going to hear about it though for sure

Jbombjas: thank you for your story; I'm keeping self-care a top priority

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  DBT is a powerful program, and hopefully that combined with sobriety will help her turn things around.  Please keep us posted.

She is going to need a lot of support and validation as she works on the changes ahead.  Have you seen our page on validation?

RC