Communication tools for a BPD with alcohol issues.

[Supertrouper]

Hi ive had a great day. Been to the cinema with my sister and went for ice cream. Got ready to go out with my partner for the evening for new year. We had a nice time, met some nice people and friends, although one lady who id never met before asked me why i was with my partner, can honestly say that was a bit odd coming from a stranger, but she has obviously seen him acting up around town before. We carried on to a private party which was good. Partner then got to the drink limit where he becomes someone else, became rude and loud about people around us. So he decided at 10.30 to call a taxi home to celebrate the new year at home. I didnt really want to go home but i did.

So we get home and he goes full BPD on me. Asking no win questions, raging, circular arguments, all the BPD stuff. So as i wasnt as bad as him alcohol wise, i used SET tools to calm down the conversation. They worked for a second, then he just raged. I decided to leave but before i left i jaded big time and told him that the alcohol changed him into someone different and i didnt like that person and i wouldnt be speaking to thst person anymore. I have missed a lot of the conversation out but he did at least see and say his alcohol consumption is a problem but he blamed me for his drinking because he said if he had a supportive relationship to come home to he wouldn’t drink. Its like he wants me to support him to stop drinking but not actually stop physically drinking. Thats when i said that I wouldn’t talk to the alcoholic person anymore and i wont. Im fed up of it, and our relationship stops going forward when the alcoholic is around, so i have to change the situation myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Supertrouper]

Well as I expected i got the moody partner and the how dare you call me out on my behaviour, behaviour, you know the one when they are trying to make you feel guilty. Saying ‘dont be moody’ sternly just snapped him out of it, briefly anyway.  We then had a pleasant morning.

I took him into town, and i went to my parents to wish them happy new year. Not sure what he is doing, his usual drinking establishments are closed today, which will stress him out more. Im expecting some silent treatment today, thats his usual stance, when his behaviour is questioned. I have to hope he has a moment of self reflection on what was said yesterday, because my stance is not changing on the alcohol front. Im not saying completely give up, just saying have a bit of self control with it, he knows he is a d%#$ when he passes that line between merrily drunk to aggressive drunk. Ive got to change my actions when he passes that line, ive obviously enabled it, but no more.

[2020]

Sorry to hear of your current situation. The BPD is enough to try and contend with, without the alcoholism thrown into the mix. My partner drinks. She drinks to cope with her anxiety and other symptoms. She has alway drunk a lot and it only takes a beer ot two to get her to the point where she can't stop. When she gets drunk she becomes risky. She gets violent, drives cars and gets arrested, causes other public nuisance which gets her locked up or banned from bars. She has ended up on crutches from accidents. I have been out with her years ago and she has gone of with other men. She has gone out by herself and come home at 3am with a man on each arm. It is completely unacceptable. I have known my partner for 10 years now. After three years of this sort of nonsense, enough was enough. I stopped drinking. She made it so ugly to be around. I refused to drink again, full stop. She now knows this. I am not her drinking buddy. I will not get alcohol for her nor give it to her. Alcohol is poison for her. It has caused her much pain, and I!

My advice is to maybe stop drinking yourself. And tell your partner that if they drink, you will not be around it. I lock the doors and windows if I suspect drinking is happening. My partner is not around me this week. She has run off somewhere and communication is at a real low. If you want to see how bad alcohol can be, watch Rain in my Heart, an alcohol documentary on Youtube. It is a tragedy.

Good luck with your situation. Writing all of this has made me feel good. I am not missing her now!

[Supertrouper]

Hi 2020, it does feel good to get things out doesnt it. Thank you for your advice. Im going in to dry January now, where i dont touch alcohol for at least January, its more of a detox for me from the xmas festivities really.

Me not drinking does not stop my partner drinking. I drink at the weekends if at all and he drinks all week, when he is home. I know my limit and its not much, i dont like the day after effects tbh, so i am careful. There has to be boundaries definitely but im not sure what boundaries. The only one ive got at the moment, is that he doesnt come back to mine beyond his merrily drunk limit. I think expecting him to come back to mine sober is unrealistic and he will not do that, i cant really judge him as i like a drink as well, but i can control my intake. So the only way i see is to give the boundary of ‘less’ drunk at the moment, to see if he can control himself a bit. I know it sounds like im still enabling his drinking, but it is a 30 year habit to him, he is not just going to stop because ive put a boundary in place.

I will have a look at what uou suggested. Will keep you updated.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, partner just called and hed found somewhere to go, unfortunately there was a pub open. He just asked if he could come round or should he go to a hotel as i was obviously fed up of him. I did say that it wasnt him that i was fed up of, it was his drinking. He still dont get it, does he, that its the drink that is the problem. He blamed me again, as i was fed up of him. I know addicts blame everyone but themselves, but it cant be that they dont know at all, that the behaviour causes a problem. Obviously actions are going to have to speak louder than words. Also, hes not too keen on my dry January, but thats for me.

[zachira]

Have you ever heard of motivational interviewing? For many years now, the techniques of motivational interviewing are considered to be the most successful way to work with those with have challenges with alcohol and/or drugs. The techniques are simple to learn, and put the responsibility for change on the person with the alcohol and/or drug problems. 

[Supertrouper]

Hi thank you zachira, that looks very helpful. I will find some more information.

[Tsultan]

Supertrouper,

IF he is a true alcoholic he will not be able to control his drinking period.  Only he can decide if he is one or not.

His drinking is 100% his responsibility. 

The things you can control are your boundaries.  Whatever that may be for you at that moment.  When my ex-husband drank I would do something to take care of myself whatever that meant at the time.  Maybe that meant for me to go to an Al-Anon meeting, or call a friend from the Al-Anon meetings that gave me their number, go for a walk, ___________.  These are the things you can control. 

My exBPDbf is a recovering Alcoholic who had been in AA for 35 years.  He has a dual diagnosis.  BPD and Alcoholism.  I have been in Al-Anon for 35 years myself.  My father was an Alcoholic and so was my mom.  So, I go to Al-Anon because I have been affected by their drinking.  I have found it very supportive.  Only the people in those rooms understand what it's like because they have been there too.  Just like the people on this board understand BPD because we have been there.  It's so important to have a support system for our own well being. 

It's been said that even if only one family member attends Al-Anon the entire family benefits.  I can say this is 100% true for me.  My relationships with my family members have improved greatly since I started attending the meetings and applying the 12 step program to my life.  Much of the drinking continues but the only thing that has really changed is me and how I cope with it.  I have serenity and even happiness in my life now. 

I met my ex-BPDbf the rooms of Al-Anon and that is how I ended up here on this board.  We have been apart 8 mos. now.  Unfortunately, he has not been able to manage his BPD symptoms enough to sustain a healthy relationship.  That is why we are no longer together sadly. 

The drinking is complicating an already complicated situation.  Maybe try an Al-Anon meeting.

First things first... .

Take care,
Tsultan

[Supertrouper]

Hi Tsultan, thank you for your reply. This is my dilemma really, im not sure if he is an alcoholic as such or just a heavy drinker. He has to control his drinking habit at work because if they found any drink he would be dismissed. So he has two weeks of no drinking. But that is not him controlling it, it is the situation he is in. He can also control his drinking when he knows he has to drive. When he doesnt have to work or drive, he goes to the pub and drinks, most of the day. He does not fill his days with other things, so he goes to the pub. Now when he is stressed or anxious, he drinks more and that is when he goes over that limit and becomes ‘the other person’. I think when he is not working or driving, i dont believe he could make the choice to drink no alcohol all day.

Anyway, he came round yesterday, not drunk, apparently he was fed up drinking. I have my doubts to that, as i said his usual drinking establishments were shut. So i cooked him some food and he did finish off the small amount of wine that was left ftom yesterday. We had a good night and it was pleasant. However, there is no more wine in my house, no alcohol at all, as for me it is dry January, when i drink no alcohol for january. Partner knows this and knows he cant drink with me and that i wont buy any. So this morning, we have all the excuses that he is giving me space for a bit and i must be fed up of his stuff being around. You all know, that the stuff being around hasnt bothered me. So as he is not able to be blotto round mine or have any drink for january and because his house is cold because the boiler doesn’t work, ( i know, his drinking is more important than getting essential house maintenance done, and he has been around mine mainly) he is staying in a hotel, which he can crawl to from his normal drinking place. So he is respecting my boundaries i suppose but also choosing to not change his behaviour but adapting his situation to accommodate it. I dont believe he is willing to change his behaviour, he just expects the situations, people, etc, around him to change to accommodate his behaviour. I will continue to use the communication tools snd see what happens. I understand i cant enable him but he will try his normal manipulative techniques to control the whole thing, so i have to be strong.

[Tsultan]

Hello again Supertrouper,   

I wouldn't get hung up on whether or not he is an Alcoholic or a problem drinker.  His drinking is affecting you so it's a problem for you.  It's easy in these situations to focus on the Alcoholic and not take care of ourselves. 

It is tough sticking to our boundaries. The important thing is to take care of you right now.

One of my boundaries was to not discuss anything of importance as long as my ex was under the influence.  Chances are they won't remember anyway.  I also learned to detach from the situation with love.

Hang in there!
Tsultan

[Supertrouper]

Hi, yes it is true they cant remember any conversations while under the influence of alcohol, which would explain why we havent progressed very far in our relationship, he forgets most of what we talk about. Not talking seriously when he has been drinking is a boundary of mine that ive had for a while. My boundary now is that he doesnt come to mine absolutely drunk because he becomes loud, aggressive, ie bellowing, disagreeable, more argumentative than usual, angry, and it just escalates. Not nice and I certainly dont want my boys to hear that.

We shall see. Ive had pangs of loneliness  this evening but i will be ok. Ive gots lots of stuff to keep me busy.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, had a quiet evening. I called partner to say goodnight and surprise surprise he was still in the pub. Anyway, he was pleasant and started talking in his philosophical tone, yes he has one, so i know im in for a long conversation, mainly him talking about how life is hard and how we all have to try and fit around each other and its sometimes difficult. I just listened and validated, even though i didnt agree with everything he was saying.  Apparently he stayed away because he thought he was getting on my nerves, actually he wasnt, apart from the alcohol, but he did say that i had mentioned something! It was just about the drinking. So i should say i had got on his nerves about saying something about his alcohol intake and how it affected him. I did say that HE hadn’t actually got on my nerves at all, it was just the drinking. He never said anything else. I should say he doesnt like the boundary but it will stay in place and i know he is taking some space away because of what i have said.

[Supertrouper]

He called me this morning to see how i was. I was fine i said. Not sure he was. He had to tidy his house before the boiler man came, apparently as i found out later, he hasnt done any housework for months. This is one reason why i dont go round his and why we doesn’t permanently live with me. Yes, he is a hoarder and messy. As well as tidying up he had washing and drying to do and go and fetch his new car. Just a busy day to some people but a stressful one for him, so he calmed down later with a beer.

He started his we all have to try hard at life and ALL follow rules if life is going to be easier. Apparently i cause him stress, he couldnt tell me how, apart from that i was unstable and bonkers. I personally dont think i am either of those and his only argument when i asked him how he thought i was those things, he just said because i try to live in a positive way in an unrealistic world. I think his unstable and bonkers was possibly a projection of himself.

He is coming round tomorrow for indian food. So i think i need to brush up on my communication skills, as i get the feeling he wants to talk about stuff. Not sure whether he will mention his drinking, i think it will be more a barrage of what me and boys are doing wrong, in his eyes.

[Vincenta]

Hi ST,

Am sorry to hear about your situation, must be hard   

My BPDbf of 5 years has also a serious issue with alcohol ( or perhaps he is indeed an alcoholic) but he somehow manages  to take care ( and even to excel it) of his job during the week. On the weekend nights then often the drinking gets completely out of control and am all too familiar with all the sudden drunk rages etc. Very scary sometimes - double lack of impulse control so to say ( BPD + heavy alcohol consumption = inevitably big trouble).

Does your boyfriend work?

Can you make a list of positive things your boyfriend brings to your and/ or your boys life?

[ortac77]

Hi Supertrouper

It's a tough one, sadly BPD and alcohol abuse often go together. My pwBPD has had this issue for a long time, although he can go long periods without drinking he will as a result of stress (or perceived stress) relapse and 'self medicate' which of course triggers all sorts of negative stuff and unacceptable behaviour towards me and others.I say perceived stress because it is generally self induced chaos/self sabotage rather than an external stressor that triggers it.

Once drunk he becomes the 'victim' and all of his woes and angst are either poured out in a fit of self -pity or he becomes angry and usually blames me for, well everything really, but its usually incoherent and random, drunks rarely make any sense! Nor once sober do they remember what they said.

I used to react very badly to this either defending myself or engaging in pointless arguments. In Al-Anon and on these boards I learnt that there really is nothing I can do about another drinking only that my only focus should be on myself - it's a bit like the safety briefing on an aircraft "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others'. I have spent time and effort helping him obtain therapy and most of the time he is aware of his condition but when he relapses I am treated as the cause, I ruined his life, I am evil etc, etc and he seeks to trigger a reaction from me, if he can get me angry then I guess he feels that he has won! It takes a lot of effort on my part because nobody likes to be berated or accused but I have learnt that "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it'.

Over the years the drunken behaviour has generally got better but despite his attending DBT for a couple of years when something triggers for him the therapy gets forgotten and the alcohol becomes his answer.

We recently moved house (a genuine stressor) so perhaps I am not surprised that he has awoken me at 4am, banging and crashing about the kitchen mumbling incoherently. Of course I am angry about this, and got the gist that 'its all my fault, ruined his life, forced him to move away from his friends (he doesn't have any). My reaction -zero, walked away and starting typing here. I shall try and catch up with a bit of sleep now, he will doubtless 'crash' for 24/48 hours and I will proceed to enjoy a quiet weekend.

The other thing a wise member once told me was when they are drunk no longer 'see' the person, instead visualise that its a bottle of booze doing the talking, it does help to separate the disease from the person.

ATB

Ortac

[ortac77]

I am going to add a rider to the above, whilst I do not take his accusations or rants to heart, I do sense that I am all out of 'forgiveness' at the moment. I know in about 48 hours I will get some sort of apology albeit unlikely that he will remember the cruelty of his words and will be looking for me to say its OK I understand.

Well maybe I do understand, he is simply trying to project all of his negativity on me and the alcohol 'allows' him to do it - but just for today I am not taking it, nor do I feel any compassion, think it is a form of compassion burnout.

Probably the answer is for me to walk away for a little while, I need to crystallise the nagging but persistent thought that I really get very little out of this relationship other than prolonging co-dependency on my part and having  'been there/done that' its not a path I intend to tread again.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, thanks for the replies. I am just reading on the train after taking son back to uni, so read them quickly, but csn see that alcohol and BPD seem associated.

To be fair boyfriend has been pretty well behaved. He came round on Friday, not drunk, although he still bought his own wine bottle, and he actually made sense with what he was saying. It was about how we react differently and how sometimes how i behave towards him and how it seems to him, and vice versa nd for the first time in five years, he actually communicated well so i understood him. He may have said it before, but i may not have listened intently because he was probably ranting and all over the place with his words. Anyway, he said we all need rules and guidelines, including him, ie. he cant go to the pub everyday (his words) so that we get along better. Now, the sceptic in me unfortunately has heard this before and it is usually only a matter of time before partner goes back to his bad behaviour and will blame everything on me. Therefore, i will have to see what these guidelines are, see if they are possible and then put them in place snd keep them in place. His main guideline for me was to let him help me a little, offer an opinion as such, ie with my children. His main one was to lessen his alcohol intake.

Anyway yesterday he offered to take me to dinner as a thank you for putting up with him while his boiler was getting fixed. It was nice, and he was on soft drinks as he was driving, then he went to town to catch with a few pints with his friends.

We shall see how long his good behaviour lasts.

[Supertrouper]

Hi,ive had a good couple of weeks while partner has been away working.

We have this guideline, my boundary, that i call him every sunday just to chat. It was my guideline as when i did call more than once a week, i got slated for it, and when i only called once a week, i got slated for it as well. So as i coulndt win either way, so i said i would call on sundays. However, stupid me called on saturday, for no other reason than that i was relaxed and he popped into my head, so I thought i will text him. This triggered him, he got anxious because he thought there was something wrong. There was nothing wrong, i just felt like calling him at that particular moment. Then i just got  ranted at that it was my rule i called on sundays, and that he ‘wasnt’ allowed rules. I let him rant, tried to validate but he wasn’t listening, so i changed the subject. Needless to say i wont be calling any other day now APART from a sunday, regardless of how i feel.

Anyway, he flew home today. I never received any message he had got home safely and we had agreed he would as he normally does. I texted him when i got home, no reply for 3 hours. Fair enough when he did manage to call, he had been asleep as hed had a long day. But he had managed when he got home to go food shopping, go out for a few pints with his friend and go for a drive in his car. Not once did he text me. The conversation we had when he could be bothered to call was well im just off to the pub again, its cold, told me what hed done today, and then just about asked me if i was ok.

Insignificant was how i felt. However, being considerate about his long day travelling and how tired he was, i did not complain about his lack of communication, although i wanted too. His rules are obviously just to be considerate to himself and stuff anyone else.

Im trying not to take it personally but the fact that he gave me no thought at all just smarts a tad. I personally think it is his rule breaking of not ringing me because i broke my boundary of calling on a different day. However, mine wasnt done deliberately.

[Supertrouper]

Well after that last post, i just let him call me and he did, every day, i think ive called him possibly twice in the last two weeks he has been home, he has mostly called me. Not deliberate on my part, he has just got there first.

Anyway, update on the drinking boundary, my boundary of him not coming to mine completely drunk. Well, he did well. He came to mine, not having any alcohol during the day, sometimes we had tea and sometimes we had a small glass of wine. He noticed not drinking during the day, allowed him to do so much stuff. Anyway, we had a lot of chats and laughs.

However, MOST of the time, i did notice that when he wanted to get drunk, he used to come to see me early, without telling me he was coming round, we would have a quick chat and coffee, then he would go and get completely blotto in the pub. So, yes fair enough, he wasnt coming round drunk, but then he wasnt staying for quality time either. So maybe a little step.

BUT he tested the boundary last night. He phoned to say coukd he come round, and said he hadnt drunk too much, he sounded ok, so yes, i told him to come over. Lo and behold, he came through the door and i could see straightaway that he had had much more than he had admitted. He was trying so hard and you could see him trying so hard not to appear drunk, but he couldnt. A bit disappointed i was. Anyway, i only offered him hot chocolate, so he was probably not happy with that. As he was drunk, i then got the twisted conversation, how everything was my fault and that i was the one with issues. I just kept quiet.

So today, he is getting ready to go back away to work. He bought soup round for me, that he had made, early, so that he could then go and get drunk.

If he wants a ‘normal’ homelife with me, which is what he says that he wants, then the alcohol has to be limited, so that he can function slightly more normally with his BPD traits thsn with alcohol. I just think we have a long way to go.

[Tsultan]

Supertrouper,    How are you feeling about him crossing your boundary?

Tsultan.

[Supertrouper]

Hi Tsultan, disappointed in him, because he can do it, but also because he dared to push the boundary. My feelings for myself are that i need to reinforce my boundary. The only way i can see doing it is to not let him come round at all when he may have been drinking. The only way to know that he hasnt been drining for sure is if he drives round. Apart from that, im really not sure what to do.

[Supertrouper]

Miserable and grumpy, my BPD partner is. He is working away in a remote quite isolated area and there is to be fair not much for him to do, and i would probably feel the same.

I call him on the sundays when he is away. I called last sunday and he talked, just about, but was very snidy with his comments, but i ignored them. Today i called him and we didnt even get to snidy. He was offish and obviously bored and miserable. He was moaning how we talked sundays and we didnt have much to say. I know that to be rubbish as we normally dont have any bother chatting, so i ignored that. So i asked him what he would like to talk about, and he said ‘nothing’.

So i said ok, i will leave you to watch your film (a film he was watching that he had seen many times) and i will talk to you later, then i put the phone down.

Most people who were bored and fed up would welcome a chat from anyone whod bothered to call them and most conversations normally roll on at some length usually. But not with BPD, his mood is all consuming, probably my fault and probably my fault we didnt have anything to say. I had plenty to talk about but he wasn’t interested in listening to what i had to say, it was all about him.

Anyway i will get on with what i have to and organise my time and i will leave him to get in contact, if he can be bothered.

[Supertrouper]

Well he couldnt be bothered to contact me. He came home yesterday from away, he went to eat and had a couple of beers then went home to fall asleep as he was tired, he told me this later.

I texted him to ask if he had got back ok. I got a phone call that lasted about a minute, telling me what hed done during the day, how exhausted hed been at work (i believe this was an explanation of his of why he was grumpy and didnt want to talk) and that he was going back to bed soon as he had to be up for a course tomorrow and that he would call tomorrow.

I get the tiredness, i get how he needs space to relax, I believe he knows he was rude to me last sunday but i still am feeling pushed away. I am trying to contain my anger about his behaviour but i also know that his behaviour will not get adressed, because it never does, because he is good at manipulating the conversation away from it, however much i try to steer it back in to conversation.

What do i do? We all get grumpy when we are tired, and sometimes we dont want to talk very much but there is no need to be so rude and disrespectful. Why not just say im tired can we talk another time, why be non communicative and rude? He does this a lot. What can i do? I get on with my life as i usually do, going out with some friends tonight, but how can i address this issue when i dont get chance to use the tools.

[Supertrouper]

Im done.

He still didnt call me so i texted him, he called back which i missed. So then i called him and i just said what was wrong and he twisted everything, how i didnt listen, how calling once a week wasnt a relationship making thing, if you remember i got told off for calling more than once a week. And then came the xmas thing, apparently i cancelled it. Again if you remember he did that, not me. When i tried to explain, yes jading i know, that it was his decision, he put the phone down and said goodbye. I tried to call back but he wouldnt answer.

Im fed up of the cycles and splitting now so i was angry and i cant do it anymore, so i texted him and said, ‘Have all the space you want, you f<%€^~g borderline, the cycles stop now, have a nice life. X’

Put me on the detached board please.

[Tsultan]

Hi Supertrouper,  Sorry you are going through the painful on again off again cycles that can be typical of a high conflict r/s.  It sounds like you are getting a good understanding of what is acceptable to you and what is not.

In your best interest, be careful about holding onto resentment.  It's like a poison that is meant for the person we are angry at but we end up drinking it ourselves. 

For me, detaching with love was a healthier option for me to keep my side of the street clean.  It was helpful for me to talk to at least three people before I talked to my bf.  That helped to diffuse the anger.

Those types of conversations sound exactly like the ones I would have with my exBPDbf.  They are blaming, circular and serve no resolution to solving conflicts.  There was no possible end to resolve any conflict.  It was not even clear to me what the conflict was about at times.  I don't know if they are even aware.  They are seeking a way to soothe their pain so stirring up conflict is a way for them to do that.  It's the disorder's way of thriving. 

It helps me if I separate the disorder from the person.  It helps me detach in a peaceful way.

 ,
Tsultan

[Supertrouper]

Hi Tsultan, thanks. As you can imagine ive not slept much trying to figure out where this latest trigger came from. I have absolutely no idea, i dont even think it was from me, because we were fine, well seemed fine before he went away and then i texted two days into his trip to see hed got there safely. I have no jdea. But the ‘slap in the face lies and twisted logic’ about the xmas thing was more than my anger could take. My anger has been worse than that before i understood about BPD enough but admittedly not the best thing to have said.

Im actually mixed emotions at the moment and i am not sure how i feel but i know that i have to detach from him for my own sanity.

[Supertrouper]

I cant get over the twisted reality, his reality, about the xmas thing. Would he have set this up, does anyone know? He tried to mention the same twisted reality at new year to people in the pub, but i called him up on that. So maybe this ‘pain’ has been there a while, but he set it up, he said we wont buy presents for each other. I know that he will use this to devalue me to others and i will never get to tell the truth. I just cant help feeling that he has set this up, are people with BPD able to do this or am i overthinking his behaviour to find reasons.

[Supertrouper]

I sent a text of apology to him: I dont want a response. I am sorry that i wasnt calmer yesterday and that our relationship ended angrily. Im also sorry that you still felt unheard after all this time, I would have felt upset and hurt too. You are a good person and i wish you well. ‘

He read it. Now i will get on and heal myself.

[Tsultan]

Hi Supertrouoer, I couldn’t begin to understand my exBPDbf reality. He did the exact types of behavior as you are describing. He would say time and time again that we need to let go of each other and I would say “so are you breaking up with me?” and then he would deny that he said it. Crazy making. He was not able to take responsibility for his behavior which is classic BPD. I can’t expect him to meet me at my level. He’s at a totally different level. If I do expect him to meet me at my level I will have an unrealistic expectation. An unrealistic expectation leads to resentment.

One year we exchanged Christmas gifts and he got upset about something and broke up. He then said he was going to take my Christmas gift back. So he gave me his to take back too. So I did. Then after he threw that in my face about taking his gift back when it was his idea. It was crazy making stuff. Luckily because I have a pretty good sense of self I didn’t take most of his stuff personally. What I couldn’t bear was his leaving me all the time because that’s an emotional wound I have from my childhood because I was abandoned in many ways. It cuts deep for me. The positive outcome of all this is that I am working on my abandonment fears at an even deeper level.

Hang in there. You’ve got the right idea about focusing on yourself now and begin to heal and recover. Keep posting! You don’t have to do this alone.

Tsultan

[Supertrouper]

Hi Tsultan, thank you. I do feel alone and upset at the moment but i also know that i need to be away from him to feel better.

I do have a strong sense of self although it wavers sometimes due to whats happening, i did sometimes second check myself with what my BPD said but then i thought nah thats not me. I fought back most of the time but unconsciously i got tired of the obviously constant put downs, so i then said nothing.

They are crazy making people but in a weird way what they ate saying and doing makes perfect sense to them, in their world.

I dont know how my BPD will react over this break up, he will no doubt self medicate on alcohol like normal. I also had abandonment issues brought on ten years ago when my exhusband just up and left for his incidental lady, leaving me with the children, no money, i had my own money, but he ptovided nothing for the children and that is hard to deal with. I also had my boys emotions to deal with as well. I cried every night for two years. My BPD partner knows this but he also knows that every time he left, it hurt me, but he felt shame about it more than anything else, as he didnt want to hurt me. But each time, it hurt. My BPD partner also knew that i would try and keep contact because i hated the distance.

So this time it will be different, im the one doing the leaving, so im not sure how my feelings will be. At the moment, im sad and i was lonely last night, as both boys went out to friends. One day at a time.