2019 and I'm hitting a wall. His behaviors have escalated and I'm burnt out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

misuniadziubek, I know what you are going through.  I know it so well!

My uBPD H projects the hate he feels toward his uNPD X W onto me, as well as his own uNPD F and FOO.  He has broken objects, punched holes in the walls, upended furniture, called me the C-word and the B-word on a regular basis, and frequently makes divorce threats--which he has never carried through.

I, too, find my empathy and patience wearing.  Add to this he favors his adult children over me as he splits them white and me black. They can never do anything wrong even though one is addicted to alcohol and drugs, one is likely NPD and the other likely BPD.  They treat him like a cash cow and abuse him emotionally, often blackmailing him to give them money or buy expensive gifts.  It's humiliating to see him cower in front of them and capitulate.    I can have an "off" day, such as illness or being depressed, and H will explode on me as "a lazy, worthless b*tch."  

I know the feeling of built up resentment, as the repeated assaults to my dignity and safety take their toll.

You are only thirty-one and I am near sixty.  Don't let your life end up like mine.  I was depressed for many years due to the treatment from my H.  I was frozen and indecisive not to mention procrastinating over making up my mind on what to do.

Now I am moving toward either dealing with my H in a way that won't hurt my sanity or health, or calling it quits and taking him up on the divorce.  

You deserve a pat on the back for your therapy to handle your issues, which you recognize (hoarding) and are moving forward.  I am also in therapy due to my own FOO issues and the trauma of being married to a uBPD person.  Be calm in the knowledge you don't deserve this and you did not cause this.   

I like the "puppy/rabid dog" metaphor.  What a perfect way of putting it.

[AskingWhy]

misuniadziubek, I know what you are going through.  I know it so well!

My uBPD H projects the hate he feels toward his uNPD X W onto me, as well as his own uNPD F and FOO.  He has broken objects, punched holes in the walls, upended furniture, called me the C-word and the B-word on a regular basis, and frequently makes divorce threats--which he has never carried through.

I, too, find my empathy and patience wearing.  Add to this he favors his adult children over me as he splits them white and me black. They can never do anything wrong even though one is addicted to alcohol and drugs, one is likely NPD and the other likely BPD.  They treat him like a cash cow and abuse him emotionally, often blackmailing him to give them money or buy expensive gifts.  It's humiliating to see him cower in front of them and capitulate.    I can have an "off" day, such as illness or being depressed, and H will explode on me as "a lazy, worthless b*tch."  

I know the feeling of built up resentment, as the repeated assaults to my dignity and safety take their toll.

You are only thirty-one and I am near sixty.  Don't let your life end up like mine.  I was depressed for many years due to the treatment from my H.  I was frozen and indecisive not to mention procrastinating over making up my mind on what to do.

Now I am moving toward either dealing with my H in a way that won't hurt my sanity or health, or calling it quits and taking him up on the divorce.  

You deserve a pat on the back for your therapy to handle your issues, which you recognize (hoarding) and are moving forward.  I am also in therapy due to my own FOO issues and the trauma of being married to a uBPD person.  Be calm in the knowledge you don't deserve this and you did not cause this.   

I like the "puppy/rabid dog" metaphor.  What a perfect way of putting it.

[Notwendy]

I'm probably going to want to give in because I don't like seeing him in so much pain.

Whose pain is it? It's him- making something more out of this than it really is. You didn't cause this for him. You didn't do anything to him. You simply took action to do something you truly wanted to do, which was to give your parents a ride to the airport. Now, he's acting as if you did something horribly hurtful to him on purpose.

A marriage T for us called this making up a story -making meaning of something- but the story isn't true- and then reacting to it. But when we do this, it tends to be our own issue seeking "evidence" in events that have nothing to do with what we are making up.

In my marriage this has been crazy making. My H will interpret something I did as a rejection of him, then react to it. I can tell when it happens, he's sulky, quiet. and can even rage. For me, these incidents felt like they came out of the blue as whatever he is reacting to isn't something I did intentionally- he made meaning out of them.

I have to admit that I have lost patience with this. It is more irritating than upsetting to me. I too used to feel responsible for him being in so much pain. I didn't want to hurt him and I still don't want to. But I have no control over what he thinks and if he's making meaning out of something that I didn't intend, I can't fix that. If I truly did something hurtful I can apologize, but many times it is just from me just going about my business but I didn't meet his needs somehow.

You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause the pain your BF is in. It's hard to see someone you care about feeling badly, but I've had to accept that if I didn't do anything wrong to apologize for, I'm not responsible for it.

[formflier]

Notwendy,

Did your MC talk about your role in your hubby's "story making"? 

If you "bought into" the story were your helping your husband?

FF

[Notwendy]

I totally bought into it. This was a "normal" for me. I was co-dependent, and also sensitive and empathetic- it bothers me to see people I care about hurting, and even more when they think I caused it. I don't try to do hurtful things to people and so when accused of that, I tried to fix that. Having poor boundaries added to my own discomfort when people are upset with me. It took some work to see that just because someone says something about me doesn't mean it is true.

Yes, I enabled the disordered thinking when I bought into it and this wasn't helping him.

When I heard "accusations" I had to filter them through my own idea of who I am. Then, if the accusation is true, I apologize , but if it isn't true, then I don't buy into it.

I recall the time it began to work. I had just arranged for a present for my H's mother. He later accused me of being rude to his family over something that had nothing to do with him or his family. The two events at the same time- I bought mother a present and I'm rude to her were too different to buy into.

[formflier]

A similar thing happened to me yesterday.  The "reality" was just too different.

My wife texted me to ask if I minded have S10 pulled from school to attend a family event.

I said it was fine and gave her a heads up that I would want to talk to my son with my wife later, to make sure he had a clear understanding of why we did this.

So... .my wife started claiming I had a problem with her and obviously hated her parents because I never do things for them and go along with things.

(in my mind) Uhh... .hmm... .you asked... I said yes... .so I wasn't sure what else I could have done to be supportive.

My response was a bit interesting as I reflect on it.  I asked her to reflect on the wisdom of accusing me of hating her parents... especially given that I said yes.

She asked my forgiveness and then shared her "opinion" that I hated her parents (you can't make this stuff up)

I gave her the option of being thankful for me saying yes or sending S10 to school.

She choose sending S10 to school.

I went on about my business. 

She seemed normal in the evening.  Weird.

FF

[Ozzie101]

I totally bought into it. This was a "normal" for me. I was co-dependent, and also sensitive and empathetic- it bothers me to see people I care about hurting, and even more when they think I caused it. I don't try to do hurtful things to people and so when accused of that, I tried to fix that. Having poor boundaries added to my own discomfort when people are upset with me. It took some work to see that just because someone says something about me doesn't mean it is true.

Yes, I enabled the disordered thinking when I bought into it and this wasn't helping him.

When I heard "accusations" I had to filter them through my own idea of who I am. Then, if the accusation is true, I apologize , but if it isn't true, then I don't buy into it.

I recall the time it began to work. I had just arranged for a present for my H's mother. He later accused me of being rude to his family over something that had nothing to do with him or his family. The two events at the same time- I bought mother a present and I'm rude to her were too different to buy into.

This is exactly where I've been recently. I hate to see people hurting and hate even more the idea that I might have caused it. For a long time, before I realized what was going on, I bought into all his accusations and twisted myself in knots trying to fix the problems. Even though I knew that his "stories" weren't true, I felt panicked to try to correct it.

He's an expert at "story-making" too. He does it to me, my family, various other people -- basically anyone who doesn't read his mind or do exactly what he thinks they should do/feel the way he thinks they should feel.

It's only since I started learning about BPD and started seeing the verbal abuse at work that I started to get a clearer view. While there may be grains of truth in some of what H says, that does not mean it's ALL true.

There have been many recent examples of him twisting logic around and making contradictory statements and declarations within a span of minutes.

Once, he was stressed about his biological family (this happens a lot lately as it's all new) and said he was thinking he would cut things off with them by writing a letter. I thought it was a bad idea since he has these temporary "down" times regarding them but, otherwise, really enjoys them and has bonded tightly with them in just a few months. He asked what I thought. I told him I didn't really think that was the right approach but I also thought he should do whatever he felt was best and I would support him whatever he decided. He accepted that.

Later that evening, he had an episode and angrily accused me of pushing him to cut things off with his family. Huh?

And I really feel for you, misuniadziubek. My wanting to spend time with my family is a big trigger for my H. It's a painful position to be in.

[Notwendy]

My H once asked me about a teen crush I had when looking at an old yearbook. I honestly couldn't remember much about it. Then, he accused me of lying about it and acted as if I had cheated on him. He was so upset that I actually felt shame for having feelings for anyone else besides him.

The reality: it was a teen age crush. I never dated him and didn't even hardly talk to him.  And it was years before I ever met my H. Yet somehow I felt responsible for "cheating" on my H? I don't know what's crazier, his reaction or me feeling responsible for it but I so badly wanted a good marriage and bought into this kind of thinking when my H was upset with me.

[misuniadziubek]

I mean, it's a feeling. I'm not actually giving in. I see him maybe tonight n
Or tomorrow morning. I've been sending him positive messages and texts but he refuses to have a phone conversation.

It will be a normal conversation then jump into him being depressed again.

I've just never seen it go on for so long.

And yes notwendy. He assigned meaning to this himself. I should keep that in mind.

Like damn it I let the fog take over again.

[formflier]

I've been sending him positive messages and texts but he refuses to have a phone conversation.
 

This may be a mistake.  If he is "down" and you are sending positive it may be invalidating.

If you goal is improvement... .much better to "match" him where he is and listen.  Or... do the push pull rules when says if he goes negative 5 (on 1 to 10 scale) then you send him a negative 2 message. 

You "position" yourself between him and neutral (which is zero)

   

FF

[Cat Familiar]

It will be a normal conversation then jump into him being depressed again.

I have a rather silly anecdote from last night that falls into this category, but I had a different response than previously, when I'd feel bad that he was upset and try to make him feel better, and in doing so, make the whole episode bigger and he'd become further dysregulated.

We were eating dinner and my husband finished eating first, then blew his nose, at the table  , using a paper napkin, and then placed the napkin on his rattan place mat.

This isn't a new topic, BTW. Years ago, I repeatedly mentioned how unsanitary it was when he'd do this in restaurants and then leave the napkin on his plate for the server to dispose of. Also it just plain flat out disgusts me while I'm eating, but I've never said it so directly.

In the past, I've asked him to leave the table when he blows his nose, but whatever... .

So, the comment I made, while finishing my dinner was, "Remind me not to sit in your place."

He asked me what that meant and I said sometimes I'll sit where he sits and have lunch or a snack.

He asked for further clarification and I used the word "snot rag" which to my snarky, adolescent sense of humor is funny.

Of course he immediately got offended. I'm laughing as I type this because in so many ways, he's such a formal guy, so very proper in so many ways that my laid-back California style can displease him, but   who doesn't know by the age of 10 that blowing your nose at the dining table is just   gross?

He told me that there are much nicer ways to communicate my message, so I asked him to tell me how he'd like to hear it. He was very reluctant to say anything but what he finally said was something like, "Honey, will you please not leave your napkin on the table?"

I thanked him for telling me a better way for me to communicate this and apologized for the way I said it because he felt it was hurtful, and promised I'd do better the next time. I briefly JADED a bit, saying I've always been around people who tease and say things in a rather rough manner, but it's all good natured ribbing, and I'll try not to do that with you.

He then admitted that he might be just a bit too sensitive.

Ya think?  

[Notwendy]

We have a similar situation in reverse. My H's family likes to tease with verbal jabs and I'm the one who doesn't like it when my H does that to me. Yet, it's not a two way street- he gets offended if I give it back.

I admit to not being as understanding when I hear the faulty thinking and get accused of something due to making up something about me. I've accidentally blurted out "that's insane" on occasion but now that I am able to hold on to my own reality, some of it does sound way off to me. I also went for years trying to fix things, feeling so hurt when he said these things and trying to prove to him that I love him- ( while he didn't make the effort in return )all for something that was twisted from the real reason that I don't have much patience for this.

[Notwendy]

Trying to change plans with my H when he has an expectation in his head is difficult- even if it includes me being with him. If we make plans to do something and to leave at a certain time- those plans can not change. If they do, it sets him off.

I know this happens with people with autism- they don't like a change in routine but he doesn't have autism.

Sometimes he makes a plan in his head to do something and doesn't tell anyone. If we change plans, then his own internal plan is changed and it's a big deal but we don't know the plan that has changed in his mind. There have been several blow ups over plan changes that I assumed were not a big deal but to him, once he has a plan in his mind, you can not change it.

We planned to go somewhere for a day and agreed to leave early. Then we decided to stay overnight. My week changed- I had some longer days at work and hoped to not have to rush. I brought up the idea of leaving a little later ( there wasn't a deadline to get there) and I could see him start to get upset at the suggestion,  and then the argument started giving me all the reasons we had to leave at the agreed earlier time. " you can get up early for work, why can't you get up early for this!". " Now you are changing the plan! " ( it's a leisure car trip- not something with a deadline ) Well, I can get up,  I was just hoping to sleep in a bit on a day I don't have to. But I didn't say this. I just asked him for the time he wanted to leave. The original early time. Explaining would have been futile. Changing plans causes a dysregulation that I didn't want to deal with on the trip.

I wonder, Mis, if it isn't just the change to drive your parents, but any change in general that upsets your BF. I feel that when I do have plans with my H- I have to go along with what he wants precisely, or there are issues. Once I got a last minute call from a friend to meet us for lunch. I wanted to go and we did go but there was a big dysregulation over it. If I really want to do something ( like you taking your parents to the airport) I will push to do it, but know that it is likely to cause a reaction. Other times, if it isn't a big deal, I will just go along with his plans as rocking the boat isn't worth it.

[Cat Familiar]

misuniadziubek,
Now that we've hijacked your thread with similar stories about inadvertently hurting our partner's feelings, I'm wondering how you and your boyfriend are doing.

I suppose this is the weekend you are planning on driving your parents to the airport. I hope you have a very enjoyable trip taking them there and I'm sure they appreciate you for spending your free time with them. That's a very thoughtful thing for a daughter to do. 

Cat