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Author Topic: Stuck on the divorce treadmill with soon to be ex with BPD  (Read 937 times)
Annieface

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« on: January 01, 2019, 10:28:13 PM »

Hi. I am going through a divorce with my BPD husband. He has been manipulating and very hard to deal with. After a 4 hour separation agreement meeting where we almost finalized the main issues,  he has changed his mind repeatedly. Every time reducing what we had agreed to. I am only asking for what the legal guidelines are and even negotiated down from there but I will not go any lower. At this point now we will have to let the court decide. If anyone has any ideas or has experienced this type of behavior I would love to have some insight. I just want this finished!  In addition he now has a new girlfriend and has been manipulating my adult children to pick sides. He insisted they go for Christmas Eve dinner at the girlfriends house. My daughter refused but my son went for a little while and came home visably upset. It’s all classic behavior for him but it’s becoming so tiresome and I am so over it I just can’t wait to get out.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2019, 11:32:51 PM »

Sounds like you can certainly use some tips and practical strategies.  We can help.  We've been there, done that.

Understand that being reasonable and accommodating is not the best approach.  Being reasonable and with firm boundaries is better.  Some would add that being a Mama Bear with huge teeth and claws would be best.

Courts usually order mediation as the next step after issuing temp orders.  Understand that mediation attempts may be ordered but success is very iffy with high conflict cases.  It's okay, really, that your mediation failed.  Few succeed in our sorts of cases.  The other spouse is simply too entitled, controlling, demanding or obstructive this early in the case.  It came as a surprise to me that later in a divorce a settlement can sometimes be reached once the entitlement is knocked down a few notches.  My mediation failed miserably and I was sure my nearly two year case was going to trial.  Well, on Trial Day I arrived at court and was greeted with the news she was ready to settle.  My lawyer had spent 3 days preparing, you can guess I wasn't happy having spent so much time and money for a trial that didn't happen after so many delays.  (Lawyer bills are just about the most expensive part of a divorce.)

Frankly, if you have to head to court to get the divorce done, then I believe your lawyer (I presume you have one?) ought to inform his lawyer (he has one?) that your prior concessions have expired or been withdrawn and you're resetting your position to the legal guidelines.  Yes, you have the ability, as long as any agreements in mediation thus far weren't binding for court.

Yes, he is the irresistible force... .but you can be and have to be the immovable wall, for yourself, for the kids.  So what if he demands, postures and insists?  It's perfectly okay not to bend or bow to his ever-changing demands.  (Some have called it "moving goalposts".  Imagine what a competitive game would be like if the other team always moved the goalposts away anytime your team got close.)  In general, all you have to do is outlast his posturing and pontificating, present your documentation to court of what is right and appropriate, and let the court default to its guidelines or standard outcomes.  Not quite as simple as that but that's what typically works.

Overall, the message here is that you don't have to Gift him overmuch.  Sure, you can let him claim a few unimportant "wins" here and there but you hold firm on the important matters that you and the kids will need in your lives going forward.

"When there is no skillful direction, the people fall, But there is success through many advisers." — Proverbs 11:14
"Plans fail when there is no consultation, But there is accomplishment through many advisers." — Proverbs 15:22

More will add their thoughts shortly.

Edit:  One final thought.  Why is it you didn't ask us for support and strategies before you headed into negotiations?  We could have warned you of his likely behaviors and prepared you better on how to handle various scenarios.  Please, ask us our thoughts and perspectives in advance rather than afterward, okay?
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Annieface

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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 07:58:32 AM »

Thank you Foreverdad. Your advice is more or less about where we are right now. Yes, we both have lawyers, and my lawyer was very surprised by my husbands actions. I assumed (my mistake) since he was very highly recommended and is strictly a matrimonial lawyer, has seen it all and would be prepared for this type of situation. Where it stands now is for a frank discussion between lawyers and to then start the court actions. My lawyers fear is that since my husband is 66 and could potentially decide to “retire” before we come to an agreement it would significantly reduce my maintenance amount. He is a very high earner so there is a large salary discrepancy between us as I am a musician and a lot of my income is cash etc. We are in NY so the guidelines are somewhat new and have yet to be tested thoroughly in court so even though they are guidelines that’s exactly what they are and can be changed. I have to take the risk that the court will side with me and not him and that scares me because his manipulative powers are way more advanced than mine.

As far as not reaching out for help?  As usual I was completely surprised by his actions. I naively thought it was as simple as following they guidelines and drawing up an agreement. He continually surprises me even though I have decided that I need to be prepare to be surprised. Expect the unexpected. I’m still learning.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2019, 12:15:10 AM »

I recall a case published from CA where a doctor quit and started work flipping burgers.  It was obvious he was doing it to reduce child support claims.  The court ruled that his child support would be based on imputed income, what he could reasonably be expected to earn based on his qualifications and work potential.

It may be different in your case.  Rather than child support you may be dealing with spousal support, alimony, the splitting of marital assets, whether there was a prenup or postnup, etc.  I guess he could choose to retire but if he hasn't made prior statements about retiring then would court see him deciding to retire during the divorce as basis to consider he's posturing to reduce his post marital outcomes?  What if he retires, gets a final divorce decree specifying a reduced support or package deal and then a year later decides to work again?

This is a 30+ year marriage.  That ought to weigh in your favor overall.  How much?  Hard to guestimate since we're remote and not lawyers.  At the very least when you reach retirement age you'll be able to claim Social Security based on his income history and the government won't even inform him.  It's totally independent of the divorce case, it's standard once a person has been married over 10 years.  An experienced financial planner ought to be able how to advise the strategy of using your or his work history and when.  (Best not to even mention this to him so it doesn't trigger him to snub your interests more during the divorce.)

Be prepared that he may attempt to spend down the marital assets or even hide them.  Some members here have had to ask the court to order a Special Master, an expert financial accountant, to track down assets and disappeared monies.  This is where interrogatories may be needed, to require full disclosure of financial matters.  Anything major omitted should be a red flag for the court's attention or a factor in settlement talks.

Surprisingly, many of our intractable cases do settle.  It just takes time before cracks appear in the entitlement.
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Annieface

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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2019, 01:03:06 PM »

Thanks again for your insights ForeverDad. It really helps. The issues that have become nonnegotiable are the value of the house and the maintenance.in addition It is made complicated because he is an addictive spender and has spent thousands of dollars on antique clocks, train sets, pocket watches... .the list goes on. I discovered our credit card debt was over $100k so the whole situation is starting to get me down. Initially he was going to buy me out of my half of the house and also a payout because all of these items were purchased against my will nor do I have any interest in keeping them. Then he changed his mind and said we could choose what items we want (what am I going to do with 50 pocket watches or Invicta watches. He’s been trying to sell the trains for over a year and no one wants them. He knows I just want to walk away from this stuff so he’s making it very difficult. I know I have to stay strong and I have told my lawyer we have to be an immovable wall. The next step is to take it to court which just takes so much time. I just want to get out. I am keeping busy by controlling what I can. I am packing and cleaning and organizing and donating and throwing things away to make my move more streamlined when the time comes. I found a dream apartment that I am eligible for affordable housing but it looks like I will lose it without a separation agreement in sight which makes me very upset. Thanks for listening.
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david
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« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2019, 03:32:46 PM »

I found a good strategy that sometime worked for me was to ask for much more than I really wanted/expected and to settle for what I thought was best. This way my ex "won" too.
During equitable distribution ex claimed I emptied our house of everything and put a valuation of 1.2 million dollars. It didn't come close to $30,000. I told my lawyer I would write my reply instead of him. He questioned me but agreed provided I gave him a copy of it at least a week before the conference.
My ex had hand written four pages of things in her petition and put valuations on them. Fortunately for me, my ex actually emptied out house and put lots of pictures on facebook of her new apartment. Around 80 5 of all the things she claimed I had I could show were in her residence. I agreed with her valuation and simply asked for my half in cash. My attorney liked my petition and used it without any modifications. When ex's attorney saw the pictures we settled in about 20 minutes. Ex's attorney did not want to get in front of a judge.
Court is a game with rules. Learn the rules and play the game to win. Truth is, honestly, irrelevant in court. It is nice when the truth wins but from my experience playing the game is more important.
My ex filed three protection orders against me. I never did anything against her. I was having an issue when I picked our boys up. Ex would not let them take their school bags with them even though they were overnight with me. Instead of defending myself in court I made a suggestion that I pick our boys up at school instead of her place. This way I was nowhere near her so she would not be afraid of me. The judge loved the idea. Ex did not but had no choice but to agree.
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Annieface

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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2019, 11:12:02 PM »

I am tired of the whole routine. I got this text early this morning. The way I see it it’s just another manipulation to #1 get my hopes up for a settlement instead of court and #2 to try and confuse me. He was the one who after a four hour four way where we agreed on all major terms changed his mind. He was the one who kept “negotiating “ to lower and lower terms after I already turned down his offer of 5 years maintenance when the legal guidelines for my situation are 11 to 16 years. So now he sends me this text and on the same day my lawyer emails me and says he and his lawyer want to have another 4 way meeting?’

“Good morning Anne ... .I wanted to ask you that I think it is time for us to have a talk about our futures and for us to speak to each other about what to do moving forward before the lawyers again get to us ... .working through them is bleeding us of of dollars that should be in our pockets. As you are aware of your latest invoice and to add mine as of late Friday we just spent another $5,300 hundred dollars and with cash funds we have and the markets the way they are trending our net worth is reseeding also. Let me know you’re thoughts. I will be home Wednesday evening . Thank you.
Regards Ben”

How do I go forward from here? I believe this is just another manipulation. I want to say that if we just agree to the original terms which were fair and even in his favor but I fear even opening the door to more one sided negotiations will end up costing more legal fees and delaying the inevitable fact that this may have to go to court. Help!  An uneducated person with no experience with BPD would see this text as an offering of peace. I see it as a manipulative tool to just keep stringing me along dancing to his dance like a little puppet. I’m not going to do it!  Btw his misspelling of receding mad me laugh. I do still have a sense of humor. It would be great if our assets were re-seeding instead of receding.
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Annieface

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« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2019, 11:31:10 PM »

P.s. David thank you for your insights. They are very helpful. The most helpful though is to know you got through and came to a resolution. I look forward to that day. It will happen.
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david
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« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2019, 04:39:24 AM »

My ex used to frustrate me a lot like that too.
I eventually learned to emotionally distance myself and move forward. Yes, my ex was and probably still is very good at making things take longer then they need. It used to be said on this site a lot, "negative engagement is still engagement". That sunk into my head and I realized the more it bothered me and the more I reacted the more my ex kept giving me the same bs. It was working for her to keep us engaged. I only communicate through email. I learned to respond to emails that I needed to respond to. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month and only responded to 10 or 20. I learned to respond to less and less with no negative consequences.
My ex filed for divorce in 2007 and it took until 2012 for the divorce to finalize. All because of her legal delays. During that time I slowly gathered evidence to have for court. Never went to court because we had to go through equitable distribution first. Once her attorney saw a small sample of the evidence things settled in about 20 minutes. Her attorney had no desire to get in front of a judge and there was no way to delay things anymore. We settled for 95 % of what I proposed. Both parties have to "win" something.
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Annieface

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« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2019, 02:53:08 PM »

Hi David. If you don’t mind me asking what was the evidence you were gathering for court?  I have two issues. One, he is a collector and has spent thousands on these collections. I want nothing to do with them but since they are marital property they have to be divided. Best case scenario he pays me for half the value. It’s easy and quick and he gets to keep his stuff. But there have been threats to sell the stuff and also to divide the items. I have no interest in owning Invicta Watches, train collections, gun collections, Antique clock collections... .the list goes on.

The second issue is the maintenance. I live in New York and there are guidelines to calculate what the maintenance is. He has consistently tried to negotiate a lower payment, according to the guidelines I’m entitled to 11 to 16 years. His last offer was 5 years with the threat that he will retire before that so the guidelines become a little loopholed. Anyway, the end result as of now is that my lawyer is filing a request for judicial intervention since our negotiations have broken down. I have placed a calm unmovable wall as recommended by ForeverDad. I pray that things move along and prepare myself if they don’t. Wish me luck!
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2019, 08:40:30 PM »

The second issue is the maintenance. I live in New York and there are guidelines to calculate what the maintenance is. He has consistently tried to negotiate a lower payment, according to the guidelines I’m entitled to 11 to 16 years. His last offer was 5 years with the threat that he will retire before that so the guidelines become a little loopholed.

Generally speaking, a judicial decision is usually "less unfair" than what an ex will offer or demand.  That's why I asked whether your initial negotiations were binding or not.  If he had agreed then backed out, it appears it wasn't binding.  That's why I felt you needed to state your tentative concession was withdrawn, expired or essentially moot.  In any case you should not sell yourself short "just to get it over with".  Guidelines are there for a reason, they define a typical range of outcome.  Years from now you may look back and regret Gifting him so much negotiating power just for a quick fix.
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david
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« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2019, 09:40:56 PM »

He can threaten whatever he wants but that might not be something the courts will go along with. Your attorney should know what the law says he is capable3 and allowed to do. If you have his threat in an email or something in writing then save that. It shows his intention and that may be something that could be used in court. I decided early on to only communicate through email. Ex tried to get around it many times but I stood firm with my boundary. My boundary was really for me because ex was very good at discombobulating me when we spoke. Email took that away. I later realized she was giving me lots of evidence as to her true behavior. Most of that was not useful in court by itself but it was helpful to show the courts her pattern of behavior.
I filed for more time with our boys. My petition spelled out the reason and that was the fact that ex had majority of time during the school yet the boys did the majority of their school work with me. I copied every homework for the three years it took to get to court. It was a large pile. I made a single sheet of paper with all the stats, total number of hw, how many were done with me (they were all signed and dated/ex even started signing the few when with her as a response to her seeing me sign the ones when with me). The fact that she never changed her behavior during those three years was a big deal to my attorney since it showed ex really wasn't helping our boys and courts do consider education important for children.
I already mentioned the pictures of the items she had and her valuations.
My attorney told me what he needed to accomplish what I wanted and I provided him with most of the things he needed. However, this all started in 2007 and it took until around 2010 before I had learned enough about how the court system worked so I knew what my attorney needed or could use. Every county has their way of doing things so you do need to figure out what your county deems important.
The fact that ex dragged things out so long was actually helpful for me in court because it gave me more things to gather. I also pointed out why it was taking so long. My attorney had everything and told me what he thought was most important, what might be helpful, and what he thought wouldn't help at all.
Originally I wanted to keep the house but ex wanted way too much money to let me have it. My offer was actually a little better than what she received at the end but she refused to agree. A house is just a building so it wasn't that big of a deal for me.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2019, 08:50:20 AM »

Excerpt
His last offer was 5 years maintenance with the threat that he will retire before that so the guidelines become a little loopholed.

David made some good points.  We've concluded that in most cases the court's decisions, if it goes that far, are "less bad" than the ex's offers or demands.  Yes, there is expense going to court but you can decide whether the outcome is worth the cost.

Do you have documentation of his pressure/threat that he may retire to spite you?  Court may frown on that, they don't like spouses who try to weasel out of their marital obligations.  However, there's a saying around here, "The person who behaves badly seldom gets consequences and the person who behaves well seldom gets credit."  Ponder that.

Don't worry overmuch about the failed mediation.  They usually fail for we who are dealing with an entitled or controlling soon-to-be-ex (stbBx).  I and many others did get settlements eventually but further along in the divorce process.  My settlement (which included custody issues) was on Trial Day, some two years into my separation/divorce.

As for his collections, if he will put a decent price on them (purchase price?) then you can include that in the financial division of assets, he can keep them and you get other financial or material assets.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  One major point is that you need to have an experienced proactive lawyer, you need much more than a form filer and hand holder.  While you may end up with a settlement, it won't be easy to get there, you may have some big hearings and even trial which require a better than average legal strategy.
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Annieface

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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2019, 11:44:05 PM »

So my lawyer has started the court proceedings and notified my stbex’s lawyer on Friday. He’s hasn’t been home and I’m dreading a confrontation but I will stay calm even though I’m not. I thank you all for your incredible support. All advice has been spot on and has helped me and will help as we move on. The legal expenses are horrible but it will hopefully get me to where I need to be. Prayers for the apartment lottery I applied for, for affordable housing. If that doesn’t work out my daughter and I have several other apartments that would work. My lawyer is going to file for temporary maintenance so I don’t have to live under the same roof. Even though he’s at his girlfriends most of the time it’s very stressful because I never know when he’s going to show up. And that’s just another tactic to keep me off balance and uncomfortable. I’ve been spending my time sorting, throwing away and packing so when the time comes I’ll be ready. I’m am very worried the the proverbial “___ hits the fan” will be tomorrow. I will stay calm and businesslike.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2019, 10:53:17 AM »

If he is gone most of the time then you could seek residential possession of the residence.  Sure, he would need to come to remove his personal possessions, but once that was done he shouldn't come by without advance arrangement.

My point is that it doesn't have to be you and the kids who move out, but him.  Would that work for your specific situation?  Some courts are willing to keep the separated spouses apart (with a default protection order specifying possession, etc) to minimize incidents.  Your lawyer should know your local policies and procedures.  We agree, living together with a person who can be high management/conflict is more than just a pain.

A thought about lawyers... .Lawyers - and courts too - prefer settlements.  For us, getting there is the problem.  Mediation often fails at the start because the entitled or controlling spouse is too entitled to agree to a reasonable outcome.  Later in the case a settlement might work, especially with a looming hearing or trial.

Most of us needed more than a form filing and hand holding lawyer.  That sort of lawyer can may accept a lousy settlement just to get it done and do you a disservice.  Do you have one experienced with tough cases, trial expertise?  Is your lawyer proactive with a variety of successful strategies?  Is your lawyer the sort described in Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
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Annieface

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« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2019, 03:31:54 PM »

Thanks. The plan is for him to buy me out of the house. He’s a buyer/collector/hoarder so I don’t want anything to do with this mess. My lawyer has done many trial cases so I feel confident that he will do what’s best. While he was conservative and cautious about taking this to court he would not even consider the “settlement” that my stbex was proposing. We had an initial 4 way meeting and we agreed on the terms, then stbex decided to start negotiating with himself and things went downhill from there. The waiting is hard. And I keep myself busy.
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david
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« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2019, 07:08:36 PM »

I had a lawyer in the beginning and I finally figured out that all the attorney was doing was accumulating billable hours. In court I realized it was just winging it and really no real preparation. I started talking to other attorneys and found one that I thought was good. I also had learned the rules of the game so I knew more of what my attorney needed to succeed.
It was tougher in the beginning because I didn't even know what questions to ask.  My second attorney was better prepared and I was able to ask the right questions. I had several sit downs with him where I explained what I was trying to accomplish and he told me whether I could accomplish it and what he needed from me. A lot of back and forth. Several times he told me it wouldn't work in court. Some things I let go and other things I was adamant and explained my reasoning. Most of those he would agree once I explained better. A few things he had a difficult time understanding. After he met my ex a few times he better understood.
Not to discourage you but I stopped counting at $72,000. Around 2/3 of that was with my first attorney.
It is very difficult for any attorney to read your mind and get all the nuances. My second attorney couldn't believe some of the things I told him. My ex is a nurse and couldn't do elementary school math to help our youngest. I had copies of all his homework. There was one, in particular, that made my attorney shake his head in disbelief. Our son had all the correct answers but his mom made him change them. He made a separate copy, with all his original correct answers,  because he knew I made him do corrections. It was third grade.
It took a while but once many of the people in court got to interact with my ex they all began to realize where the problem was.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2019, 06:56:17 AM »

My lawyer was proactive, to an extent.  My problem with him was that he wasn't willing to go beyond the normal court processes.  He'd say, "You can't get that."  One issue was that ex had started taking our preschooler to a quasi-agency that did child counseling.  Naturally, she was using it to find negative advocates and they enabled her by refusing to talk with me, one claim was that she had temp custody and had to provide permission.  They advised me to seek his records and so I did but they refused, replying in a form letter stating I was likely to be a danger to the child or others.  Yet I had unsupervised 'standard' alternate weekend time with my son.  Go figure.

Back to my story about counseling.  The children's counselors refused to provide records.  (Unknown to me ex had made repeated allegations against me.)  In the periodic divorce hearings I would ask about this.  First time the magistrate said, ask again since you have statutory rights to his records.  Didn't work.  Next time magistrate asked ex, and she agreed, to sign any paperwork necessary for me to get records.  Zip.  Third time, a year later, my lawyer filed for the court to order the records released.  (My lawyer laughed about this since it was the court's responsibility to protect the agency.)  I got the order and in less than two days had over 200 pages filled with all sorts of allegations.  She had started him in counseling soon after we separated in November.  I found out in February.  Fourteen months later in April of the next year I got the records.  That was halfway through the court's two-year temp order.

Another time was when she finally, two years into the separation and divorce process, agreed to settle.  That was on Trial Day.  We knew the Custody Evaluator recommended to start with Shared Parenting.  So I held out for our state's "Residential Parent for School Purposes".  She begged, she cried.  Both lawyers, mine too, insisted it didn't mean anything at all.  I said, "It's that or we start the trial."  She caved.  I was in charge of school.  Since it was March, I asked the school to permit him to remain in his kindergarten class to complete the school year.  They agreed, or so I thought.  During the next month she created scenes at school and one day in late April they notified me I had one day to enroll him in my own school in the neighboring district.  Imagine, if she had been Residential Parent, they would have been stuck with her.  But once they determined she continued to be a problem, they washed their hands of us with one day's notice.  That is why I sought school responsibility, something the lawyers pooh-poohed.  Oh, and she moved a few times, once out of the county, so have school responsibility saved son from some school changes and me from following her residence choices.

Over time I discerned patients at the counseling agency were generally kids with disabilities or behavioral issues.  As soon as the divorce was final they tried to close our case but her continued conflict kept it going until after I got legal custody a few years later.
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Annieface

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« Reply #18 on: January 25, 2019, 12:05:23 AM »

I just finished reading Splitting. I was very helpful but also very concerning to read about all the things that could happen. I will still try and take things one day at a time. I had a frank discussion with my lawyer about what his experiences have been with BPD and he’s quite familiar with people with BPD in that he’s not only worked against them but has had them as clients. As it stands now we have been assigned a judge but haven’t received a date for a preliminary hearing yet. Meanwhile my stbex withdrew a large sum of money from our joint investment account. It was agreed that that money would be used to pay off remaining credit card debt. However he want to use the rest of it to pay the taxes on the house and the legal fees that are mounting. I informed my lawyer and he said the withdrawal was in violation of the status quo arrangement. I k ow my stbex is just trying to spend that money so I can’t have it. In our initial settlement agreement that money was to be used to pay outstanding credit card debt and the remainder was to go to me as prepaid maintenance. Again, another way to try and manipulate me. So the status now is I’m waiting for a court date, I’m still in the same house since I can’t move until I at least get temporary maintenance and I can’t get that until we have a court date.  Hopefully that will be soon. Thank you for listening.
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #19 on: January 25, 2019, 10:09:54 AM »

Once a case has been filed then such "takings" of funds should stop legally.  Was it written in stone how things would go or was it just what the court would consider to be an informal agreement?  That he then used it for another purpose but perhaps still for marital expenses indicates contesting it might not get much traction in court?

Just to get a sense of the impact... .The investment account is marital funds?  The residential taxes and legal fees are marital obligations?  The credit card debt is a marital obligation?  While he may claim it's a wash, he may be getting an advantage out of it.  Was his lawyer demanding more money?  Did he use it to pay an equivalent amount to your lawyer?  If more of the card debt was his, will the court view it all as marital debt or require him to assume responsibility for his portion that exceeds your portion?

That's the problem we have, we try to protect ourselves from all the predictable and not so predictable sabotages and we still get sabotaged, just in other ways we hadn't quite anticipated.

Because he upset the status quo agreement, you can feel free to exit any related conditions or sense of obligation that would hold you back from adjusting other terms of the marriage's unwinding.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2019, 10:15:59 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

Annieface

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« Reply #20 on: February 13, 2019, 10:07:01 PM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)  I just completely lost it and I honestly don’t know how I can continue this way. I am so angry. And now I’m angry at myself for letting him see he got to me. It’s such an incidious  thing the way he can find ways to make my life so miserable. I think you guys understand, but when you explain this to someone who doesn’t get it it sounds so trivial. Here’s what happened:  my brother took me out and bought tickets to a concert that I really wanted to go to. When I came home I went outside to close the chicken coop (yes I have chickens) and I hold the coop door shut with a heavy brick. Well in the winter the ground thaws during the day and freezes at night so when I came home from the concert the brick had frozen into the mud. Now because this happens often I keep an old sledgehammer next to the door of the coop and all it takes is  one pop of the sledgehammer and the brick is released and I can close the coop so the raccoon does eat my chickens. Well the brick was frozen in the mud and the sledgehammer was missing. I’m looking all over the place for it and finally realize he’s taken It. So I ask him where it is and he says in the garage. Now I’m really pissed because I’m still in my concert clothes and a 2 second chore is now reliant upon where he’s put the sledgehammer. I can’t find it in the garage so I say to him come and find it. He says stop yelling at me and looked like he was going to punch me and I said something else I don’t remember what now and so he said well then I’m not going to get you the sledgehammer. Now I’m really really angry and lose it and start slamming doors and whatever because now I can’t accomplish an easy task because of him. My daughter (22) hears all of this and says I’m leaving. So I put something else in from of the door to the coop. Idk if it will be safe so my chickens might be raccoon food tonight, my daughter is mad at me for making a scene I’m embarrassed for making that scene and am so fed up. There’s a preliminary conference scheduled for next Thursday. My lawyer wants me to hold out until then. Deep breaths.
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