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Author Topic: One step forward, two steps back  (Read 398 times)
Jillery
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« on: January 14, 2019, 06:16:09 AM »

6 weeks post breakup and I am so much better than I was when I first came here.  No more knots in my stomach, sleepless nights or heart palpitations.  I feel like I've been through most, if not all, of the stages of grief.  But dammit I miss him.  Hard.  Even if what I miss was an illusion, it doesn't make me miss it any less.  I find myself daydreaming of the good times, aching to see him, hear his voice, feel his touch, hear his laugh.  The person I thought he was, was my best friend.  And I am missing him a lot today.
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Brave heart. Braver brain.


« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 07:27:56 AM »

3 months here, still missing her terribly.

You are most certainly not alone  despite how the relationship turned out, or "what it really was", you experienced very positive moments and emotions. It's natural and human to miss that.

6 weeks will soon become 7, then 8, and so on and so forth.

 
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Red5
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« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 09:33:13 AM »

#Me2!

Today is forty-five days.

I miss her, even after all the lousy k-r-a-p she did... .and even though I myself emotionally withdrew about a year ago ; (

Strange  this human emotion, cognitive... .rearranging the memory... .kind of like window-10  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)... .

Its been peaceful and quite around the house... .since she moved out... .

I've read a lot about this addiction we all seem to have... .we long for the next "hit" of "intermittent positive reward"... . 

She made me miserable when she was here, .I remember hoping she would leave, .so when it really happened, now I miss her... .and add that she was physically abusive to my son ; (

Crazy!

hang in there, you're not alone,

Red5

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« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 09:44:15 AM »

Thank you, Beneck and Red5.  It helps to know that I'm not alone. 
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« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2019, 01:12:53 PM »

6 months for me. Still think about her and miss her even though relationship was toxic and know I am better off in the long run. Looking forward to the day when she does not even cross my mind. Hope it is sooner than later.
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« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2019, 02:36:58 PM »

i started to rephrase the thought and it did begin and continue for a long time "I miss her"

until I realised that there is a lot of stuff that I dont miss about her at all

There is a lot of good qualities and memories but it helped me to see them as part of the bigger whole - not to think of the pluses and think i miss 'her'. When I weigh it all up, the reason im not with her is for no other reason that these negatives outweighed.

If we havent moved on there is more likelihood of missing company, missing sex and thinking back to where these needs were last fulfilled.

to move forward and replace these needs made the missing the good elements of the r/s less vivid

For me to entertain the thought of missing her, regardless of how many good memories - with the abuse that followed tells me personally that there is something seriously wrong/disordered with my thoughts. Good times = miss and can enjoy the nostalgia.
her as a person = dont miss, dislike, dont want

i feel it helped me a lot to branch out on this.
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Red5
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« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2019, 02:51:54 PM »

Excerpt
Cromwell wrote... .until I realized that there is a lot of stuff that I don't miss about her at all

... .I wish I could understand, get grips on... ."why" I all of a sudden... .I seem to have cognitively dismissed, pushed down, filed away... .all the myriad of "bad" stuff... .I mean daily stuff, non-stop stuff,

Even when I walk around the house, and interact with my Son, there is almost a trigger every other step... .towards the end, her negative demeanor was more and more pronounced... .she was downright mean and nasty most all of the time... .

So why have I seemingly "pushed it all down now"... .who is the "ghost" that I am missing?

Last night, my Son and I were making his lunch for his day program he goes to everyday... .and he was filling his little plastic container with his peanuts (unsalted planters)... .and he says, ."can I have some dad"... .I said "sure dude, have a hand full, they're good for you"   : )

Then I remembered (trigger), "she" would slip her rail when he did that in front of her... .she would make a huge deal (mean and nasty) about him eating a little handful of them damn peanuts... .and I was like "why?"... .but just one example.

She was doing these types of things all the time... .always negative, mean, nasty... .ugh,

... .but I "miss" her ; (

Red5

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Jillery
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« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2019, 06:20:54 PM »

Thank you all.  Your kind words got me through today.  Much appreciated.
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Tsultan
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« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2019, 08:03:00 PM »

Hi Jillery,

Thank you for sharing.  "I find myself daydreaming of the good times, aching to see him, hear his voice, feel his touch, hear his laugh."

For me, during the initial early stages of grief I really really missed those same things.  Eventually, I didn't miss those as much either. 

Wherever I drive, there is a "trigger" of some drama that played out between us.  Each and every canal path I live near that we walked on together he left me high and dry in the relationship by breaking up with me.  The first few times he broke up with me were emotionally devastating.  After awhile I expected it.  He screamed at my neighbor once for parking in my driveway (she won't talk to me now - whatever), he almost ran my other neighbor (12 year old boy) over for playing in the road.  He swears he didn't see him in the road. (not sure about that story - it seemed fishy). 

Drama when we went on vacation together.  He seemed to thrive on drama.  Like someone explained it was soothing for him to cause drama.  After learning about what is was I was able to detach from the drama and see it for what it was and not take it personally but I do not miss that.  Vacations are supposed to be relaxing.

Today I was thinking I felt sorry for him and I think I was getting love and pity mixed up.  I knew he struggled with something and I would cut him slack. I would be the one who loved him enough so he would want to get help.

I think he has a better chance at getting healthier without me. 

I still think about him every day.  A few times a day.  My new normal is starting to take shape.  I know it's best.  My life is more peaceful,  and I am not as tired. 

I am taking care of myself by connecting with girlfriends, and family and going to meetings.  So I am not lonely.  The first initial time period I was afraid to have down time because I was afraid I was going to be lonely but I have found my groove.  My horse (love him), my maine coone cat (who is such a good buddy), my grandkids, my son and daughter. 

Everything is going to be alright Jillery. 

Tsultan


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Jillery
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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2019, 09:20:59 AM »

Thank you, Tsultan
Excerpt
Everything is going to be alright Jillery.
  I am holding on to this. 
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Jillery
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« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2019, 07:25:03 AM »

Snowed in and way too much time with my thoughts.  I’m actually fighting the urge to contact him, for the first time in a long time.  Just when I think I’m moving on slowly, I suck myself back in.
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Tsultan
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« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2019, 08:27:41 AM »

I hear you Jillery.  

I am snowed in too.  That is making wish we were together hanging out, playing games, talking.  What I am doing instead is calling my girlfriends and family members to keep me connected.  

Friday's seem to be a weak area for me.  I gave in and texted him Thursday evening (it was my birthday) and Friday I called him (didn't leave a message).  I think he blocked me. Another thing that made me want to contact him was I saw that the Al-anon meeting that he goes to changed their name after many many years and I wanted to tell him I liked the new name.  These are the things I liked to share with him in regards to recovery.  We had a recovery connection as we are both active in service work in our recovery community.  That was a STRONG connection for me.  Sometimes I wonder if he picked up on that and played that on me.  That along with praying together.  I did say once when we prayed together that made me feel especially close because I always wanted a partner to do that with.  And he always lead the prayer and did it so naturally as if he was talking to God for the both of us.  "sigh".

Maybe not in this life but another I will connect with him again.  It's just not possible at this time and I can not go back to the way things were.  It was too painful for me and it is not fair to me to put myself through that again.

I don't feel I am a good example of how "not to contact" but I do believe that if he were to contact me again I would be strong enough to set boundaries with him in regards to the terms of our relationship.  I cannot drag my heart through the mud again.  I have come far in the grieving process and I don't want to do this all over again so I will be guarding my heart.  

Hang in there Jillery.

Tsultan

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« Reply #12 on: January 20, 2019, 08:46:48 AM »

Snowed in and way too much time with my thoughts.  I’m actually fighting the urge to contact him, for the first time in a long time.  Just when I think I’m moving on slowly, I suck myself back in.
It seems you're struggling a little here Jillery.

Some practical steps that might help you guys through this is to plan in advance something fun you can enjoy when you feel the urge. For example, watching your favourite series, or running on the treadmill to your favourite music. I enjoy Big Bang Theory and thank God there's so many seasons. For cold weather, if you wanted to get physical (one of the best things to seek in these situations), then plan a place that's safe for you to use; like a home gym (best) or a gym nearby. If you can enlist some friends to join you on this it may help you too.

You may have to force yourself to do it at first but over time you might find that it'll get easier. I highly encourage it because that's a less painful alternative than trying to be alone with your thoughts and finding yourself mulling over it. In some ways, it's the more self-compassionate path because you don't subject yourself to the sometimes agonising battle with your thoughts over your ex.


Friday's seem to be a weak area for me.
I'm with you on this Tsultan. In situations like this, I had the expectation that I'd spend time having fun or with my date (or ex). In some ways, this was the 'reward' for me from getting through 5 days of work or school.


Enjoy your peace.  
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Red5
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« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2019, 11:48:48 AM »

Me2 Jillery,

And it’s a long weekend to boot, the weather is forcasting temperatures down into the twenties tonight here in the “fisherman’s paradise”... .

I have backslid on several occasions over the time since she moved out... .

She is very very angry... .lots of projection.

Me and the boy are sitting here at the local Olive Garden having lunch after Church... .salad and soup... .yum : )

Hang in there Jillery!

We are right here alongside you on this old worn out path 

Red5   
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« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2019, 01:03:01 PM »

I’m actually fighting the urge to contact him

what would you wanta say?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Jillery
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« Reply #15 on: January 20, 2019, 05:50:31 PM »

Thank you all for your kind words. 

Red5, by “backslid” do you mean attempted contact?

Gotbushels and Tsultan - yes the weekends, especially Fridays are the hardest for me too.  Getting outside to shovel snow today has helped quiet my mind a bit.

What would I say if I contacted?  Good question once removed.  Probably just “I miss you.”  I would want to say so much more but I am 99.9% sure I wouldn’t get a response. I am so torn between thinking he’s stuck at home struggling with emotions too and thinking he’s already in a new relationship, happy to be moving on. I blocked him on social media weeks ago which has saved my sanity but also makes me wonder if he thinks I blocked his phone as well.  Then the other voice kicks in to say “Jillery, if he wanted to contact you, he would find a way.  He has moved on and you’re a fool to have any hope.”

Honestly, I thought you all would tell me to continue NC all the way.  I am humbled by your honesty with your own experiences and your patient and non-judgmental words.  I appreciate you all so much.
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« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2019, 06:49:06 PM »

Honestly, I thought you all would tell me to continue NC all the way.  

if you seriously want to contact him, i would post on the Bettering/Reversing board and get some feedback. you blocked him, so he might simply take that at face value. but youd want to be clear about intentions and what you wanted to say. its challenging to respond to "i miss you", especially if he didnt want to reconcile the relationship.

if its just an urge (i had them myself), it will pass.
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« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2019, 06:54:45 PM »

Excerpt
Red5, by “backslid” do you mean attempted contact?

Yes Jillery, I’ve txt her several times and spoken to her on the phone one time.

It’s bad each time, she is very very angry... .and it’s all my fault.

She sounds quite done with the marraige... .and projects an endless stream of anger at me.

I told her I loved her and that I want us to seek therapy together... .in order to try and save the marraige... .but I was met with further anger... .

So I am at an empase now, I spill it all out in “T’s” office each Thursday at three... .

He has given me the “run” signal, as he tells me, that she is too far gone... .he specialize in borderlines and the practice is a DBT provider... .which is a reason I chose them.

To try and understand more about “why”.

Tough stuff ; (

Hang in there Jillery... .and I would caution against reaching out, as all it seemed to do was to confirm my worst fears... .

Stay warm now wherever you are !

Red5  
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« Reply #18 on: January 21, 2019, 01:13:58 AM »

I've read a lot about this addiction we all seem to have ... .we long for the next "hit" of "intermittent positive reward" ... . 

and if it is not there anymore, the recall of it as a close substitute.

none of us would have stuck around if it was 24/7, 365 days of constant misery.

 I find myself daydreaming of the good times, aching to see him, hear his voice, feel his touch, hear his laugh.  The person I thought he was, was my best friend.

I can relate a bit here Jillery - except I see it more as daydreaming about the times I was daydreaming. i cant splice away abusive behavior and betrayal - after the start of those things it was daydreaming my way through - i ended up falling in love with the idea of falling in love as a sticky plaster substitute for what I had wanted originally.

Looking back, its all been quite surreal but weaning off from the love-drug was possible. I hear you feel you have been through all the stages of grieving now in 6 weeks and these thoughts feel 1 step forward 2 back - all I can say is that there were days I felt the same only to then have days which felt I was back to square one. I kind of very much underestimated the emotional gravity of just exactly what I had been through though.

Just keep on course, I hope it helps to reach out here and keep up the good work.
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Jillery
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« Reply #19 on: January 21, 2019, 06:20:58 AM »

if you seriously want to contact him, i would post on the Bettering/Reversing board and get some feedback. you blocked him, so he might simply take that at face value. but youd want to be clear about intentions and what you wanted to say. its challenging to respond to "i miss you", especially if he didnt want to reconcile the relationship.

if its just an urge (i had them myself), it will pass.

Thank you OR, for this helpful and practical advice.  I will take it.  I’m not clear at all what I want to say or what my intentions are other than the feeling of “please come back to me! I love you!” Obviously that would be a disaster so I will hold tight for now.

Cromwell, thank you.  Flopping through the different stages is tough as you don’t know what to expect from one day (or hour) to the next.

Red5, thank you.  I have my weekly T appointment today.  I have this weird feeling that she and I are running out of things to talk about.  I’m sure she would disagree, but the feeling is there.  Am I afraid to really let go because that would truly mean the end of him for me? Does staying with the sadness keep him with me somehow?
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« Reply #20 on: January 21, 2019, 07:57:52 AM »

Near three months here, still think about her daily, dreamt about her last night. I've written three times in that time. One was a prosaic 'hello, I have been busy, how about you' type letter, to which she replied in equally prosaic terms. One was a merry christmas, no reply, the other a more heartfelt I wish you were here, sent while I was away camping, no reply.

The thing with no contact is that it is their way of control, in a situation where they were not in control. For all I know she has now blocked my email, but I was not going to let her control my natural urge to communicate, be genuine. I would not let her control me in the relationship, so I won't start now.

Meanwhile, I have written maybe 20 letters which I have not sent. It is good to read back over these and see how they have changed, some were pleading, some were angry. All the things she didn't give me the chance to say by cutting me off. All the things she would not want to hear.

This is an emotionally undeveloped, self focused, slippery fish of a person. Nothing I say will have the slightest effect unless she wants something from me. I guess that is why I have told her I still care for her, and am here if she needs, and left it at that. I doubt I'll hear from her, she will be well ensconced in the next relationship or two.

I get exactly why you would like to reach out Jillery, I feel it too, but the one we still dream about is not there.
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« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2019, 10:18:15 AM »

Then the other voice kicks in to say “Jillery, if he wanted to contact you, he would find a way.  He has moved on and you’re a fool to have any hope.”

in my experience, it never really worked or went anywhere when i tried to reach out when they ended it.  especially at the end, but even during any little on/off spats, the only time it ever got to the point of re-connecting was when it was her idea.  i could try and attempt but it rarely did much. 

i agree its hard to know what to expect from yourself on a daily and even hourly basis.  i think i will be in a good spot having a decent day and then something triggers and an overwhelming sense of grief just wont let go.  sometimes it passes with distraction or having to carry on with the day, sometimes it lingers for the rest of it.  its tough because there is no formula and no one is the same and none of our situations are the same.  and although each passing day helps to move on in the long run, when you have a step back type of day it just makes the healing seem more daunting.
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« Reply #22 on: January 21, 2019, 02:57:58 PM »

Jillery,  Great insight:  "Does staying with the sadness keep him with me somehow?"

I wonder the same thing myself.   I listen to music so I can connect with him on some level,  I walked in the same areas we used to walk together so I could connect with him, I even went to Al-anon meetings secretly hoping he would show until I put an end to that thinking.  I am in recovery for myself.  Not for any relationship.  That attitude needed to stop for me.

I realize in some ways, I need to give myself permission to do some of these things and get them out of my system.  It will pass.  It's a process.  Trust in the process.

I like what gotbushels says about having a plan in times like these.  A little self care goes a long way.  It's a good habit to get into this self care.

hugs!

Tsultan.
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« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2019, 05:38:04 PM »

Excerpt
Tsultan wrote... .It is good to know that we are not in this alone isn't it?

Nope : )

We are all right here together !

Me2, lots of ruminations today for me.

Our new furniture was delivered today, so tonight, I will sleep in my brand new bed, I’ve been sleeping on that old leather couch in the “office” since November the 16th.

They brought us our brand new leather couch and loveseat for the living room too... .so I put the patio chairs back out on the patio... .that’s what we’ve been sitting on in the bare living room, me and my autisic Son... .lawn chairs : )

Want to know what I was thinking, all the while the two nice fellas were bringing the furniture into our home... .

Well, I thought... .“what if she comes back, and sees I bought myslef new furniture... .to replace what she took, boy oh’ boy will she be mad!... .at me for spending almost 5k on a new bed, and new living room furniture... .(I continued)... .I guess if she makes me get rid of it all, when she comes back home one of these daze... .  I could give it to my Son “L”, or my daughter “A” and her boyfriend, I’m sure they would love to have this stuff”... .

Then I caught myself... .and asked myself to step outside, and feel the cold air, and to to have a talk with myslef, .

I miss her, I love her, but I burn ever bridge I come across now... .metaphorically... .as in, I make decisions... .and commit to action... .that I know, when she finds out, through whatever frequency... .as she has blocked my phone number, .that she is going to be “mad” for whatever it was I have done... .like I am going to paint, hang waistcoat... .and stain it dark cheery... .and she will hate it I know... .like she is ever, going to darken the door frame of this address ever again... .but this is an insight to my “thinking process’s”... .wow,

Crazyyyyy ! 

Red5

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« Reply #24 on: January 23, 2019, 09:19:39 PM »

Red 5,

like she is ever, going to darken the door frame of this address ever again...

I am glad that you brought the focus back onto your needs.

Enjoy that leather couch!    That will be my next couch.  Brown leather. Oh yes!


Tsultan
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